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AIBU?

to be in utter shock

27 replies

wontletmesignin · 08/12/2013 10:19

7am my neighbour knocked asking me to go over. I did!
She has bi polar disorder and was very irrational.
I left when the police came. She knocked a while later and ended up starting on m so i shut the door on her. Then she was cuffed.

She has now been arrested, there is a riot van and everything. I feel awful, i was trying to help but obviously didnt!
She tried getting me to help get her partner arressted. He was in bed. She tried telling the police i know what he is like, but i dont. I barely know any of them. She is the one i can hear shouting, i hear him trying to calm her down

I dont know how im going to look at her again when she gets out of hospital.

OP posts:

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GodRestTEEMerryGenTEEmen · 08/12/2013 10:22

You're going to look her straight in the eye because you've done nothing wrong.

And neither has she if she's Bi Polar. She'll get the help she needs.

Clobbered · 08/12/2013 10:22

Chances are she may not remember a lot of what happened today. Yes, it's shocking when someone goes a bit doolally, but can you just accept that she is ill and now in the right place getting treatment? What's your problem with looking at her again? Are you embarrassed somehow?

wontletmesignin · 08/12/2013 10:27

Oooh no not in the slightest! I wish i could help nore than anything else.
I will constantly wonder if she meant what she said.

I understand completely that this is an illness.
I dont fully understand bi polar. Hopefully that is thr case then, that she wont remember.

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LittleprincessinGOLDrocks · 08/12/2013 10:28

The police and hospital are better equipped to give her the help she needs. Once stabilised on medication and treatments I doubt she will hate you.
I know my friend had her best friend sectioned to save him from harming himself, and he told her he hated her etc. Then once well he was allowed home and he said he understood why she did it, and he wasn't angry with her for doing what was best for him at the time.

You just have to think that what happened was done to protect her and her partner from worse harm.
I am not surprised you are shocked, but you have no reason to feel bad.

wontletmesignin · 08/12/2013 10:37

Thats what i wss trying to tell her. But she says they dont treat you well in there. They have beat her up, and made her lick the windows she said.
I didnt phone the police. She done that herself, trying to get her partner arressted. I tried helping her see that she was being irrational (without saying that), but there was no reasoning with her.

I know i did nothing wrong. Even when she started on me, i just closed my door. I had my kids there!
I just feel so bad for her. I felt so helpless! Now i feel sorry for her partner sitting next door wondering what on earth is going on

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formerbabe · 08/12/2013 10:46

I would keep right out of it to be honest.

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks · 08/12/2013 10:48

Do you know him well enough to invite him for a cuppa, be there for him through this?
Sounds like she was saying those things to get you to stop them taking her in, but it is where she needs to be.
You were absolutely right to close your door, your safety and that of your children is paramount, and she was being cared for by people who are trained to deal with people who need that sort of help.

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks · 08/12/2013 10:48

Yeah, maybe formerbabe is right... hmm tough situation.

wontletmesignin · 08/12/2013 10:59

No i dont know him well enough to do that.
I am going to keep out of it.
I am expecting her daughter to come at some point. She was shouting down the phone at her, sayig that i agreed with her. When i wasnt. She put her dd on handsfree and the daughter told me to go home. But i didnt know how. Thatd why when police came i was up and gone.
She reminded me so much of my ex.
I have just seeb somebody go in next door, so at least he is not alone anymore now.

They are both getting help. I need to try and shut it out of my mind now, and stop feeling bad about it.

Thank you for saying im nbu

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byanymeans · 08/12/2013 11:12

My nan is Bi polar, i tried but I had to do the right thing for my family so have not had contact with her for 4/5 years now. The rest of the family try, she makes there lifes hell some days. They wont get her the help she needs because ' she is a family elder and we should all respect her wishs not to involve help'. I cant be party to that thinking while my grandads at risk. So I did was I could and walked away.

Please dont feel bad, you did the right thing. X

WorraLiberty · 08/12/2013 11:38

I left when the police came. She knocked a while later and ended up starting on m so i shut the door on her. Then she was cuffed.

How/why did the police allow her to knock on your door while they were there?

I'd be angry about that.

XmasLogAndHollyOn · 08/12/2013 11:45

It sounds like she's pretty poorly at the moment and you did the right thing in trying to help, but as other posters have said, she'll be looked after now.

I wouldn't worry about what she'll think after as she may not remember today and if she does, it will be with the eyes of someone who is now well.

FWIW, I didn't remember half of the people I saw or spoke to the last time I was really unwell.

revivingshower · 08/12/2013 11:46

A mental hospital is not that nice but they do not beat you etc it is just like a normal hospital ppl do not like going in even when ill. Also they may soon let her home with visiting nurse once she is stabilized on her meds.

worsestershiresauce · 08/12/2013 11:46

Someone I know well suffers from something similar. It has been very distressing for everyone, but to be the honest the protocol for taking someone in under a section is fairly extreme. She also was taken away in a police van in hand cuffs despite being of no danger to anyone. It was awful, humiliating and I am sure the neighbours were all agog like you. Try not to be. My friend now on meds is as well as any of the rest of us, but very introverted as she feels people judge her, and think her mad.

It is an illness. If someone had a physical illness you would react differently. Her partner is probably exhausted, stressed and very worried, but holding it together. If you see him, tell him he has your support should he need it. He will appreciate the gesture.

XmasLogAndHollyOn · 08/12/2013 11:48

I wouldn't be angry, Worra. The police aren't going to rugby tackle someone to the ground and they cuffed her as soon as they could. Most times when they are coming to someone who is having a MH breakdown will try their best to reason with the person and get them to come without taking the step of cuffing them.

These situations are difficult for everyone involved. As someone who's been cuffed and put into the back of a police van, it was because I was at more risk of harming myself than anyone else, but still it was pretty horrible.

Mental illness is the one illness where you get treated the same as you would if you were a criminal. The police do their best.

Birdsgottafly · 08/12/2013 11:51

"I will constantly wonder if she meant what she said"

If she is I'll enough to be sectioned, then she has had an "episode", this involves irrational or delusional thinking, so whilst having this "episode", she isn't responsible or means what she says/ how she behaves.

"Now i feel sorry for her partner sitting next door wondering what on earth is going on"

Why do you assume that? He may have a good understanding if her condition and has been through this before.

Her daughter was right to tell you to go home.

I wouldn't go into her house again, just in her request, that will protect you and her, in the future, if she is behaving as though things aren't going well.

Did you not see the recent adverts that put people in everyday situations, work, social etc, after being sectioned or treated and how relieved they were that those around them behaved normally and asked how they were?

That us what you would do after a neighbour had suffered a fit or heart attack infront if you and you saw them again.

Drop a card through the door, for her DD or DP to take in when she is feeling better. A thinking if you card, or a small gift, if that's what you would if done if a neighbour was hospitalised after being knocked down I front if you.

This is what removes the stigma and makes MH as any other medical problem.

XmasLogAndHollyOn · 08/12/2013 11:51

Also, it doesn't sound like her neighbour was going to be violent or attack her. Being ill doesn't mean likely to be violent. Its rare for it to be like that. The won't have cuffed her as she was dangerous, they will have done it so they could remove her from the situation as quickly as possible.

XmasLogAndHollyOn · 08/12/2013 11:55

Drop a card through the door, for her DD or DP to take in when she is feeling better. A thinking if you card, or a small gift, if that's what you would if done if a neighbour was hospitalised after being knocked down I front if you.

Yes, and this too.

LookingThroughTheFog · 08/12/2013 11:57

You helped her. She might not be able to see it right now, but you did. If she was in a manic state and out of control, you got her to somewhere where people could take care of her.

Say you'd done it differently, and invited her into your living room. What precisely might you have done to manage her condition? I'm guessing not a lot. You got her to people who could help her. That is responsible.

Birdsgottafly · 08/12/2013 11:57

Just to add, YANBU to be in "utter shock", if MI hasn't been in your life before, then it is a new distressing incident to process.

My eldest DD is Manager of a MH unit, she worked her way from a Care Assitant in Dementia Care and even she still has to deal with incidents that stay with her and touch her for quite a while.

We all undervalue having good Mental Health.

MoveYourArmsLikeHenry · 08/12/2013 11:58

You poor thing :( I found it hard reading your op and can't bring myself to read all the replies because it touches a nerve with me.

Just wanted to say that my mother was bi polar and I often experienced episodes like the one you described. Of course I was just a child at the time but I remember her becoming very distressed and behaving inappropriately. My siblings were all grown up and my mum and dad had split up so there was just me and mum living in the house. I remember having to ring up my brothers, utterly terrified of why my mum wasn't making sense, to come and deal with the situations that she had go herself into and often she was carted off to hospital.

This happened many a time and to this day it still upsets me. Please, please try not to feel like you have done something wrong. The woman is not well and you did what you could to help her. The reaction of her dd was probably done out of fear and worry, she most likely didn't mean it.

I hope you're ok

sooperdooper · 08/12/2013 12:02

My mum and my aunty both have bipolar and it is really upsetting seeing someone have an episode, it definitely sounds like that's what's happened.

She probably won't remember much of what was said or what happened, she'll get looked after in hospital. The wards I've visited have always been good places.

I'd pop and see her partner and just say hope you're ok and just say you're around if they need anything, nobody's done anything wrong, if someone's ill it can't be helped but she'll get assessed and looked after now

wontletmesignin · 08/12/2013 12:55

Thank you all for sharing your experiences!
I feel sorry for her partner sitting there wondering what on earth is going on - he was woken up by the police walking into his bedroom to question him.
He is aware of her bi polar, and from what im aware - understanding. But no matter what the circumstances - it cant be nice to be woken up like that.

Popping a card through the door is a good idea.
I will do just that. Just so they know im not ignoring it all, and i am there for support if they need anything.

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Dawndonnaagain · 08/12/2013 13:11

I too have experienced this and agree that she won't remember much. Can you put together a little present, soap, shower gel etc. She will appreciate a bit of kindness. She may also, if she does remember, be scared and embarrassed about coming home, so a big smile and a welcome home card wouldn't go amiss.
I understand that you are shocked, it can be scary, cup of tea and some company for you. Hope you (and she) are feeling better soon.
(Mental Health Units are pretty good these days and they do try to look after you).

wontletmesignin · 08/12/2013 13:32

Thank you. Yes i can do that. That sounds good. Im sure she would like it too.
That way, if she does remember, she will know there are no hard feelings.

I really hope she is feeling better very soon, and hopefully back home for christmas!

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