at friends inviting their adult (step)son to join our joint family holiday

(147 Posts)
Merguez Sat 07-Dec-13 10:20:02

Now I do not fully understand the dynamics of 'second families' so I may have got this wrong.

We have a tiny holiday house in the mountains, quite near some skiing. It sleeps 7 people.

Ages ago we invited friends to join us for a few days, they have dc same age as ours - there will be 4 adults and 4 kids aged 12 to 14. One child will be on mattress on floor.

The mum has just asked if they can bring her adult stepson too as he loves snowboarding - not sure how old he is but he's been at uni for a while so I would guess about 20. He will sleep at B&B down the road but will be with us the rest of the time.

It will already be a squeeze trying to fit 8 round the table in the evenings, with a 9th adult it will be virtually impossible. Oh, and I am doing all the shopping and cooking. I have said yes because I felt anything else would be rude. But inside I am seething.

LIZS Sat 07-Dec-13 10:26:07

Revisit the catering arrangements. I doubt their ss will want to stay in to eat with you tbh. Are there any takeaways or restaurants nearby or is it quite isolated ?

HarderToKidnap Sat 07-Dec-13 10:26:34

I don't understand the problem? The more the merrier. 20 year old boys will either be off all day snowboarding so you won't see him, or hopefully entertaining the older kids. You won't have to cope with him rolling in drunk. And he is possible eye candy.

domesticslattern Sat 07-Dec-13 10:27:32

If there are 4 adults, now 5, why are you doing all of the shopping and cooking?

TondelayoSchwarzkopf Sat 07-Dec-13 10:28:13

I think YABU - she asked you first. You said yes. She's not expecting you to put him up.

Also, why are you the one doing all the shopping and cooking when there will be eight people to help you? confused

Well they sound aware of the fact that it would be too cramped and have suggested a b&b. I don't think having one more person would be much of an issue.
It's nice to include people .

Minor Sat 07-Dec-13 10:29:58

IMO if he's at uni he's still a child as far as family dynamics are concerned and i wouldn't organise a family holiday without giving him the opportunity to come.

He can't be step son to both of them! But if anything the fact that he is a stepson makes it mire important that he's not left out.

They should have talked to you about the numbers though

diddlediddledumpling Sat 07-Dec-13 10:30:34

If its her stepson, is it not the father's son?
She was maybe being a bit cheeky, but she has at least arranged accommodation for him. It seems like done deal now, and in your position I would probably feel the same.
Can you look on it as potential babysitting once you know him a bit better? And I'd imagine at his age he won't really spend most if his time with you, maybe he'll meet others his own age?

thecatfromjapan Sat 07-Dec-13 10:31:03

I'm sorry but ... she used words and asked. That is all she can do, really. She wanted to know if it would be OK. She asked.

If you didn't feel comfortable with the added person in your house, you really should have said "no".

Now that you are in this situation, I would strongly advise changing your mind-set and truly being positive because if you carry on seething ("inside") it will show, and you will lose friends and ruin everyone's holiday.

The situation has absolutely nothing to do with extended family set-ups and everything to do with your ability to decide what you really want (to be ultra-generous, or limit the number of people on a holiday) and then communicate that. The boy is simply an older child you didn't initially bank on.

Really, you need to accept that people ask when they need an answer ie. they don't know and are asking for clarification/your views/decision. It is then up to you to communicate what you want. People may not like that, but generally, they will accept it, because they wanted/needed to know.

Most people have done what you have done. I have. I'm a "pleaser", I really hate saying "no". But I have learned that when I say "yes" it then becomes my choice and decision and up to me to make it work. That knowledge has helped me say "no" a bit more!! And also to distinguish between situations where I have been genuinely asked and been pressured (and the many times when it is a mix of the two!).

Have a lovely holiday. I really hope it works out and you all look back on a really great, friend-filled time.

thebody Sat 07-Dec-13 10:31:33

yabu to be doing all the shopping and cooking so why are you?

the 20 year old will be out all day and possibly all evening as well if they are like my lads. or he may well cook for himself/ all if you too. my 23 year old is a fabulous cook.

why are you seething? don't understand.

BlingBang Sat 07-Dec-13 10:32:06

Ok, you might prefer less as was planned but he is staying at a B+B. Just say no then and let him possibly spend Christmas Day on his own somewhere or hs family will have to cancel their plans.

Merguez Sat 07-Dec-13 10:32:10

He isn't eye candy, and they've done this before when everyone was much younger. The ss sat glued to his phone all the time ignoring the kids (who were much younger then, and we could have done with some help.)

We are the hosts, it is our house, dh will help a bit but doesn't cook and I am sure the others will as good guests so I will bear the brunt of the catering - and part of the pleasure of the holiday is everyone eating a nice big evening meal together around the table. Which we now won't all be able to fit around.

Merguez Sat 07-Dec-13 10:32:57

It isn't over Christmas - so not a question of hime being on his own. If it was it would be completely different, obviously.

Merguez Sat 07-Dec-13 10:33:38

The house is tiny - there isn't space for people to cook at different times.

IamInvisible Sat 07-Dec-13 10:33:52

YABU. She asked, you said yes.

The shopping and cooking are separate issues.

FredFredGeorge Sat 07-Dec-13 10:34:42

YABU, You invited the family, the family are coming and are making good plans to ensure there's still room for everyone.

Minor Sat 07-Dec-13 10:34:54

Oh they did talk to you about the numbers!

Actually as its only a few days id give him the sofa and tell them not to botherr with b&b

Squeezing people in is all part of the fun - as long as its not for too long!

thecatfromjapan Sat 07-Dec-13 10:35:16

By the way, I think Tondelay has a point. When we have gone off to various places, we have generally shared the household chores, sometimes formally (with a rota) and sometimes more informally.

My dh is a bit anti-social and tends to deal with the stresses of people by hiding in the kitchen.

Either approach is fine but it's possibly worth realising that no-one is going to think anything is strange if you hand over some of the more onerous duties of the host.

Bonsoir Sat 07-Dec-13 10:35:39

You should have said no if you weren't happy about it.

BlingBang Sat 07-Dec-13 10:36:04

You sound very miserable, sorry but am a little shocked at how mean you sound.

Merguez Sat 07-Dec-13 10:36:51

Thankyou thecatfromjapan I found your post really helpful.

DH and I discussed it, we both felt the same way, but that we could not say No. It is what it is now and I will try and make the best of it.

I am an inveterate 'seether' and really should try harder not to!

Bonsoir Sat 07-Dec-13 10:38:03

I completely understand that, as the hostess, the burden of the domestic arrangements will fall to you. Personally I cannot stand anyone "helping" in my kitchen so I can completely see where you are coming from.

SilverApples Sat 07-Dec-13 10:38:39

This sort of thing pisses me off, if you didn't want him there, you should have said no.
Instead of which you said OK and resent it intensely.
Martyrs are very hard to live with, or sympathise with.

HarderToKidnap Sat 07-Dec-13 10:39:10

Certainly the shopping will be shared. Unless they are psychopaths?

dramaqueen Sat 07-Dec-13 10:39:20

Poor lad. Presumably when this happened before he was a lot younger. I have step sons in their 20s and they are worth their weight in gold with our teenagers.

You should have said no if you're going to be this grumpy about it. He's had a lucky escape not staying with you.

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