To ask a bunch of stranger to help me with a horrible decision

(183 Posts)
BeenVeryStupid Fri 06-Dec-13 20:14:01

I've been a complete idiot. I have a 14 month old daughter, am a single parent with very little help from ex.
I had my first night out since having DD 4 weeks ago, and got very drunk and had a one night stand. We used a condom but I'm not on any other contraception as I've been single since having DD and wasn't expecting anything to happen. I am still breastfeeding and irregular periods but I did a test today as I've just not been feeling right and it's positive.

I feel like a complete idiot, DD wasn't planned, and I have managed to do the same thing again. I am completely against abortions, I know I will regret it for the rest of my life and will feel like I have killed my own child.
But I know I have to have one, I can't bring up 2 children, on my own. I can't go through with the pregnancy knowing I will be a single parent again. At least with DD I was in a relationship with her dad during most of the pregnancy.

I'm terrified of having an abortion and dealing with the feelings after.
I don't know how I'm going to be able to look at newborn babies ever again without thinking about the abortion.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 06-Dec-13 20:16:59

Go and have an abortion. I say that as someone who has had one.

Your primary responsibility is to your DD - keep that in the forefront of your mind.

It will be hard, you will be upset, but you will get over it. I felt very odd when I was pregnant with DS1 and I did get upset. But I made the decision I made for good reasons and I would make the same decision again were I back at that point in my life with the benefit of hindsight.

Good luck x

KeatsiePie Fri 06-Dec-13 20:21:04

Oh no. I am so sorry.

I feel very unequipped to advise you but I believe there are people on here who've been in similar positions. Just wanted to keep you company until they get here.

The only thing I have to offer is -- are you religious at all? I don't ask that to start up a debate about abortion. I ask b/c if it were me I would pray a lot. For help, for assurance that I could and would make the best decision (again, I am not saying that there is a morally right or wrong decision here), for comfort. If it would help you at all to go to a service nearby or spend a little time in prayer then I think you should. Even if you haven't done it in a long long time it can be a tremendous comfort. And if this isn't useful for you to hear then I'm sorry thanks

Solasum Fri 06-Dec-13 20:21:49

You poor thing. It is very very early days though.

Try to think of it dispassionately - You are pregnant. That does not have to result in a baby at this very early stage. But it could.

So. Can you afford to have another child? Are you able to contact the father?

Expectans Fri 06-Dec-13 20:23:17

A termination this early would just involve a fee pills.

Coldlightofday Fri 06-Dec-13 20:23:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KissMyStardust Fri 06-Dec-13 20:24:56

My only advice would be to give yourself some time to make your decision. If you have just tested today then so many thoughts and conflicting emotions will be going on in your head. You have time to make a considered and calm decision.

It may help to speak to a councillor to talk through your feelings...I had the same decision to make in the past and know an impartial person to just listen would have helped.

Take care of yourself, this is a difficult decision to face.

Writerwannabe83 Fri 06-Dec-13 20:25:05

I have also had a termination - it was many years ago and in very different circumstances and although it wasn't an easy decision, it isn't one I regret. I won't lie, it did take me some time to 'get over it' but things got easier as time passed. I always thought I was 'anti abortion' until I found myself in the very difficult position of having to choose whether to have one. I was just under 8 weeks pregnant when I terminated. I'm currently pregnant and when I hit the 8 week stage it momentarily crossed my mind that I'd previously terminated a pregnancy at this stage but it didn't upset me like I thought it would. I can also honestly say I never got upset when I was around babies or newborns. I didn't 'kill a baby' - I just had some cells removed from my womb to prevent them from turning into a baby that I wasn't ready for - that's how I honestly saw it.

I will say though that you need to be 100%sure about your decision. It will be a lot easier for you to deal with afterwards if you know in your core that you made the right decision. You will still feel upset about the whole situation but hopefully it will be easier if you can accept that you did what was right for you and your daughter.

LST Fri 06-Dec-13 20:26:10

I have no advice and really wouldn't know what to do.

But here's a hand to hold op x

IdreamofFairies Fri 06-Dec-13 20:26:49

I would go and visit you GP as soon as you can you can have counselling before you decide whether or not you want to go ahead.
As you dont have to make a rush decision i would take full opportunity to talk it over with someone impartial who will be able to help you live with whatever you decide.

good luck

BeenVeryStupid Fri 06-Dec-13 20:27:24

I'm not religious, I could just about afford another child, but I don't think I could do it, DD is so young still, I was very unwell during her pregnancy.
I could contact him, but I'm reluctant to after how DD's dad changed once I was pregnant, especially as I barely know this man to begin with.
My head is a complete mess. I just can't get over the fact that the babies heart could be beating by now.

lolaisafuckertoo Fri 06-Dec-13 20:27:42

Consider the alternative. think long and hard about what another child will mean to not just you but your other daughter. as well as the man who has accidentally become involved in this. although you both used contraception it has failed. does the man wish to be involved with a child? No one is saying that abortion is an easy option. but at the same time, you may find it is a solution that includes all involved. if that makes an sense

Mim78 Fri 06-Dec-13 20:27:42

Are you able to see a professional counsellor rather than asking a lot of us MNers?

Or someone who really cares about you and knows you?

No one can decide apart from you, but I'm worried from your post that (especially without having any counselling) you would regret the decision too much. Not to say it's a "wrong" one but the tone of your post sounds like it's not really what you want.

It may be that this is the least helpful post ever, but I'm not sure MN is the best place to seek help with this.

LEMisafucker Fri 06-Dec-13 20:28:37

You need to get some counselling quickly - based on what you have said you should do this quickly as i think that the longer you leave it the harder the decision would be. Go to your GP on monday - FWIW i feel exactly the same way you do about abortion but in your position i would have to do the same.

lolaisafuckertoo Fri 06-Dec-13 20:29:02

Been sorry to sound like a hardened bitch, but do not even think about this right now, heart beats and all till you make a decision. that is not going to help at this moment it really really isn't

puntasticusername Fri 06-Dec-13 20:30:01

Wow. What a dreadful shock for you.

Take a little time to figure things out. As others have said, go and get some professional advice and support. And remember this isn't a situation that is likely to have a single, completely right answer - whatever decision you make, it's going to be difficult.

Finally, and sorry to bring this up as it's yet another thing you won't want to be thinking about right now, but do go and get yourself screened for STDs - if the condom failed, you're at risk.

God luck with whatever you decide to do. There is a lot of support here for you.

lolaisafuckertoo Fri 06-Dec-13 20:30:03

is the 4 weeks bit a typo? should it be something else?

tiredlady Fri 06-Dec-13 20:30:33

No one likes having a termination, but it's not true that all women feel guilty and traumatised about it for ever. I do feel that society isn't accepting of women who say that their termination didn't really have any lasting effect on them at all
Plenty of women have terminations,get on with their lives and don't necessarily feel haunted about it for ever more.
Good luck with your decision

BohemianGirl Fri 06-Dec-13 20:30:52

I wouldnt want to be in your shoes and have to make the decision you have to make.

But I don't think this is the place to seek advice or make decisions.

You need proper councelling, to be aware of the psychological consequences either way.

On an emotive subject like terminations, people will always have hidden agendas.

Expectans Fri 06-Dec-13 20:30:57

I am pretty sure it is currently just cells. A heartbeat is later.

You can look at newborns again, and love them and cherish them and realise how special they are. Abortion is hard - voice of experience here- but circumstances can make it the right decision. It isn't easy.
But, like Ali, I too would make that decision again at that point in my life- and that's with the hindsight of 2 children.
PM me if you need. And try not to judge yourself too harshly OP.

You haven't been very stupid, you've been very unlucky.

I know this is an incredibly difficult decision, but FWIW in your shoes I would have an abortion. Having two children under the age of two with little or no help from either of their fathers would be tough physically, financially and emotionally.

Do you have support in RL?

MummyofIsla Fri 06-Dec-13 20:32:20

This has to be your decision. I thought long and hard when I fell unexpectadly pregnant but I knew in my heart (after visiting abortion clinics etc.) that it wasn't something I would ever "get over" or forgive myself for. Just make sure that whatever you decide is right for you.

At the end of the day I certainly couldn't afford my DD but we make do as everyone does.

scundered Fri 06-Dec-13 20:34:09

My heart goes out to you. Having been in a similar situation I know it's awful. My advice is not to have a termination. This feels rough now because its probably so new. Let the news sink in. You have done it once you could do it again

peasandlove Fri 06-Dec-13 20:42:50

I have done it, I didnt get emotionally invested in it and treated it as a small problem that needed to be taken care of. I suspect it's too late for you to do that though.
best of luck with your decision, only you can decide. I would though.

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