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AIBU?

To want to know if they're coming for Christmas?

20 replies

TheOnlySevenSleighbells · 06/12/2013 19:14

We're having Christmas at home this year and my parents are coming. I was talking about it to my mum in front of my sister around six weeks ago, she was saying how the rest of her DPs family are going to his sisters for Christmas but they hadn't been invited so I invited them to ours too. They've since had an invite to his sisters house after all, she told my mum that he wants to go there but she'd rather they (her, DP and 3yo DN) come to ours and they can't decide what to do. I've assumed they're not coming because he usually gets his own way, but obviously I want to know if they're coming or not.

I sent her a text a couple of weeks ago asking if they know what they're doing yet but didn't get a reply. I don't want to look like I'm being pushy but shouldn't they have really let me know by now?

OP posts:

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KeatsiePie · 06/12/2013 19:39

YANBU. Sounds like it will be a difficult conversation for her to have with him, but they need to have it. Unless there's something else going on with her that has caused logistical problems? E.g., I haven't told my own sister whether DH and I are coming to hers, but that's b/c DH's work still has not responded to anyone's vacation requests. We probably won't be able to go now due to insane flight costs and I am . And my family is acting a little bit like we are being flaky and that's making me irritable -- I really cannot buy tickets until I know whether we can actually go.

Anyway. Why not call her and see what's up? For me, getting a text can feel very pressuring if it's about an issue that's already stressful for me to deal with.

Financeprincess · 07/12/2013 06:33

No, YANBU. What do they expect you to do? Shove some fish fingers under the grill for them when they turn up on Christmas Day? Things like this have to be planned, and it's putting all the stress on you.

SatinSandals · 07/12/2013 06:54

Give them an ultimatum, say 'I have to order a turkey ( or whatever) by Wednesday, so let me know by then and if I don't hear I will assume that you are not coming'.

QueenofLouisiana · 07/12/2013 06:54

YADefNBU. By now I'd have sent a text telling them I was assuming that they aren't coming. If I am doing Christmas I need to know by the start of December.

I love they idea that you could just pop on some fish fingers if they turn up without telling you

gimcrack · 07/12/2013 07:10

Ring her and ask.

redcaryellowcar · 07/12/2013 07:17

waitrose order deadline for turkey etc is 15th Dec, that is the date (or rather the 14th) by which i will not change our Christmas day guest list because the more people who come the more i will delegate to wai

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/12/2013 07:38

She's your sister. I really don't think she'd consider it pushy if you were to ring her (don't text - speak to her!) and say that you need to know how many you are feeding, is she coming to yours or not.

Although their not being invited to his sister's initially, and your comment that "he usually gets his own way" implies there is a bit of a back story, neither of these things will make you look pushy. Are you concerned that he will use your asking for confirmation against your sister, as another reason to go to his sister's instead?

mamapants · 07/12/2013 07:45

Can't you just order a turkey big enough for everyone and just make extra curry if they don't come.
That is what I've done about the 2 people who may be coming to mine. And I didn't even invite them. Guests of mine have invited them if they aren't going to be with other people - blended family stuff. But its hardly a logistical nightnare yet. even though I don't have enough chairs or a big enough table

WinterWinds · 07/12/2013 08:21

YANBU. We are still waiting to hear whether BIL, his DP and baby are coming or not.
Its not just the turkey issue its the seating issue. Our dining room isn't huge so need to do a bit of juggling to get everyone in.

Last year they turned up unexpectedly at 9am (we got up at 8.30am)
They showed no signs of leaving. I asked where they were going for dinner and said they were going to her mums but not due there until 5pm. They Kept dropping hints on how hungry they were. I served the food about 2pm (buffet for a change so not a problem) and they tucked into that.They were still here at 6pm and eventually DH offered to drop them off at her mums.
It was only when DH was speaking to BIL recently, BIL had invited himself to ours for dinner this year as he was gutted that we didn't do the full on turkey last year!!!

I then realised, they thought that they were getting their dinner here and just popping up to visit her mum later on, only they didn't tell us their plans for the day.
If we had done dinner this would have been an issue.

So I said I need to know for definite if they are coming or not, but as of yet no word, Grrrr!!!!

Pollywallywinkles · 07/12/2013 08:24

Not at all unreasonable. Pick up the phone and speak to her!

WinterWinds · 07/12/2013 08:28

Ps, Also pissed off that BIL assumed that we were having a dinner this year and that I wasn't doing a buffet again, (as wasn't sure up until recently)
Exact words were, " I'm coming to yours for dinner, I was gutted last year when you didn't have turkey!!!"

I felt like telling him you'll get what you are bloody well given!!!!

(can you tell that i'm annoyed????? )

TheOnlySevenSleighbells · 07/12/2013 11:59

Bloody hell winds that is beyond rude!

mama why should I order a turkey bigger than I need if they can't let me know if they're coming or not? It's not just the turkey though is it, it's extra everything. They drink a lot so just the extra wine is a big expense.

OP posts:

girlywhirly · 07/12/2013 15:33

It wouldn't need to be much bigger for two adults and a child, Sleighbells. As for the drink, tough. I would expect them to bring some with them, whether they let you know they're coming or not. You can serve more potatoes and veg with the meal to pad it out which aren't expensive.

Are they staying over and expecting supper and breakfast as well? In which case you are more than justified in getting a definite yes or no, because this is more difficult than just an extra three dinners.

Texts are easily forgotten, I think you should talk to your Dsis and give a time limit to confirm, say if you hear nothing you will not expect them and they may not get fed.

Have you noticed that it's the people who have never done a Christmas dinner, or hosted who are the most thoughtless, because they really don't have a clue how much planning or expense or sheer hard work goes into it?

Winter, I can't believe you are letting BIL come this year! Although you could put the wind up him and state that you are all coming round to theirs, "oh, we thought we were taking it in turns!"

RedHelenB · 07/12/2013 16:26

I wouldn't push it if you feel it would play into your BIL's hands & so they didn't come. Three extra for one meal really isn't that big a deal surely?

raisah · 07/12/2013 21:50

You could say to your sister that as you are assuming that she will have lunch at her SILs, you will expect to see her for Xmas day tea/Boxing Day lunch etc and this should prompt her to give you a definite answer.

Catering for an extra 3 people is no big deal, just have extra trimmings and the normal amount of drink that you usually have. You cant be expected to cater to their drinking habits if they dont respond, they can drink less alcohol and more juice!

mamapants · 08/12/2013 08:18

I was trying to suggest something that would make it less stressful. If you get a bigger turkey none of it will go to waste anyway. And everything else is surely bought just a couple of days beforehand by which time you should know their plans.
I would definitely be telling them to bring some alcohol though.
I've just found out I now have 3 possible extras for xmas I just think the more the merrier!
But don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to know for sure but I don't want to put pressure on anyone to make a decision especially when it might cause arguments for them

WinterWinds · 09/12/2013 19:59

Winter, I can't believe you are letting BIL come this year! Although you could put the wind up him and state that you are all coming round to theirs, "oh, we thought we were taking it in turns!"

Haha, I might just do this. I asked Dh to just give him a quick text to let us know, as I want to lay down a few ground rules I.E no turning up half an hour after we just got out of bed. Midday is plenty early enough!!!

Found out Dh popped up to see him over the weekend but didn't ask him, so still none the wiser!

BIL is the baby of the family and mil died when he was 15, FIL got put into a care home when he was 17 (alzheimers) so we all kind of look out for him as he has pretty much had to fend for himself since. So would never refuse him

But as with a lot of 22 year old lads he doesn't think any further than his arse!!!

TheOnlySevenSleighbells · 09/12/2013 23:10

I phoned her, they're not coming . At least I know and can order the turkey and do food order now though.

OP posts:

RedHelenB · 10/12/2013 07:25

That's a shame.

girlywhirly · 10/12/2013 09:33

Well at least you know, Sleighbells. It's a shame, especially as it could have been a unilateral decision by Dsis' DP getting his own way again.

Winter, with young blokes it's best to spell it out exactly what time you want them to come, what to bring, what sort of meal it is etc. He doesn't sound as if he will take offence at this.

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