Fiancee's ex-wife is jealous of my relationship with her son

(584 Posts)
Beth9009 Fri 06-Dec-13 16:50:59

Hi, wasn't sure if this was the right section as I'm new to the forum but here goes.

My fiancee was married to his ex-wife for 10 years and they had one son together, who is now 15. I met him (my now fiancee) a year after his divorce and recently we became engaged. I had met his son before the engagement but since I moved in to a new house with my fiance, I see his son all the time because he visits regularly.

I made an effort from the start to get to know him and right away we got on really well. I'm 11 years younger than my fiancee (he's 36 and I'm 25) so I'm actually closer in age to his son and we have lots on common. The trouble is, his ex-wife hates me and I know she doesn't like me spending too much time with his son. My fiancee once mentioned to her that I will be her son's step-mum after we get married so she should at least be civil with me, and she went berzerk (lol don't know how to spell that word). Obviously she hates the idea of me being a mum of any sort to her son.

Anyway, last week my fiancee was away with work and I arranged for his son and I to go to watch the rugby as we are both fans. I thought it was a nice gesture and my fiance agreed. The trouble is, his son didn't tell his mum that his dad wasn't going to be there and she assumed he was staying at his dad's over the weekend as usual. Later that night after we got back from the rugby, we were watching TV and suddenly his mum turned up at the house, banging on the door because she found out that my fiancee was away with work, and because of this she 'didn't see why her son was staying over' with just me. She basically dragged him out of the house!!

Where do I go from here? Whether she likes it or not I am marrying her son's dad and we are going to have a close relationship, even if she doesn't like the thought of it. We get on so well together and I don't understand why she would want to ruin that, apart from she is jealous Any advice?

RedHelenB Fri 06-Dec-13 16:54:29

You are not going to be any sort of a mother to him but you can be a friend. He is 15 so old enough to make his own decisions re his Mum & Dad so tbh I would back off & stop the one upmanship & pointscoring.

Quoteunquote Fri 06-Dec-13 16:54:39

Have you asked her how she would like it handled?

Invite her for a coffee and cake (cake is good) compliment her on raising such a nice lad, and ask for her advice.

SantanaLopez Fri 06-Dec-13 16:57:41

Your last paragraph sounds very aggressive, I would tone it down if I were you.

Think of her as a mother, not your fiancee's ex-wife.

SantanaLopez Fri 06-Dec-13 16:58:32

Fiance, not cee!

imalama Fri 06-Dec-13 17:06:32

I wouldn't say what you said in your last paragraph to the ex for starters! It sounds like you have been doing everything right so far, so keep up the good relationship with the step-son. Maybe give her a call and say to her you think she has done an amazing job raising her son and what would she feel comfortable with in regards to the future. Get her on side and say you would never dream of trying to be his Mum, but you would like the opportunity to develop a friendship with him. Stay on the high ground, whatever you do! And open dialogue with her feeling in control is probably the best bet though.

Beth9009 Fri 06-Dec-13 17:18:35

Okay I will take all of your advice, but I'm not sure I agree that I can never going to be a mother figure to him. I am not just one of his dad's girlfriend's, I am soon to be his dad's wife. That in my book makes me a step-mum figure.

The trouble is, his mum wants to do everything to ruin this. For example, when he is not staying with us, I used to see him almost daily because I would give him lifts to school and to sports practice when his mother was at work, but she put a stop to this because we were 'seeing too much of each other'. It's like she is trying to sabotage our relationship, which I see as developing naturally. Or at least it was until his mum started putting her oar in. Soon I fear she won't let me spend any time alone with him at all when his dad isn't in the same room, or do anything nice for him. I was going to buy him a signed rugby shirt of his favorite team for Christmas because it's something we both love, but my fiancee advised me not to because his mum will get jealous. I feel like I'm in a straight jacket!

LadyBeagleEyes Fri 06-Dec-13 17:23:41

You're trying way too hard here to get him onside. Slow down a bit, his mum is probably scared she's losing him to you because you're giving him all these things.
It's like you're trying to buy his love and respect and you have to earn that.
You will be his step mother in name but you'll never be his mum.
You do seem to be going into this like a bull in a china shop.

17leftfeet Fri 06-Dec-13 17:25:43

He's 15 and therefore old enough to decide for himself

His mum is odd

mrsjay Fri 06-Dec-13 17:27:59

you can never be a moher figure you are 10 years younger than him you are going to be his dads new wife you can be another supportive adult in his life but dont see yourself as a mother figure this is a young man not a little child, anyway I think you need to ask your fiance why his mum didnt like it and tbh she doesn't know you from Adam I dont think i would like my dc staying over when a dad wasn't there just back off and let it go

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange Fri 06-Dec-13 17:28:45

I suppose you don't have children because you seem oblivious to how she must feel. Yes, in name you will be the young man's step-mother but he is 15, not a little child and you are only 10 years older than him. Stop with the mother comments (both you and DH) and try to see how his mother feels. Supplanted, useless, unloved, surplus to requirements? Stop competing and start cooperating.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Fri 06-Dec-13 17:31:26

Agree. I have a stepson (older than yours) and would never presume to put myself in a mother-type role. Just be yourself with him, don't try and assert a special position because you're marrying his dad!

Do stop the one-upmanship and easy scoring.

Sorry but you sound a bit lacking in empathy.

mrsjay Fri 06-Dec-13 17:33:15

10 years older obviously

LadyBeagleEyes Fri 06-Dec-13 17:36:42

I've been seperated/divorced since ds was about 10 and my ex has had two long term relationships, he's married the second one.
I've never met either an it is really hard handing your child over to a stranger, but both of them respected boundaries.
Yes he really likes his new stepmum but she has never tried to be his bestest friend or compete with me.
You sound very young OP.

justtoomessy Fri 06-Dec-13 17:38:15

I'm sorry but no way would I like my son, when he is 15, hanging out with a 25 woman unless it was a close relative. I would have done the same tbh and I am quite a relaxed parent.

You are not his step mum, he is too old for you to ever really have that role and you sound very pushy.

Maybe when you grow up a bit, have a child of your own you may see when your fiance's ex is coming.

I'd back off if I with you sound as if you are trying to force a parent/son relationship here.

BruthasTortoise Fri 06-Dec-13 17:38:23

Doesn't matter what you do you'll never get positive responses on this forum. Try the stepparent forum.

TheAwfulDaughter Fri 06-Dec-13 17:38:57

You're not much older than me and I'm quite weirded out with all your 'mother figure' comments confused

You're a mere ten years older than him, and he's a young man. If we were talking little 'uns- a stepmother relationship would probably develop.

Stop trying to force things, chill out, don't rise to HIS MOTHER's behaviour. You can be a friend and a responsible adult, but please get over this please- he will never see you as a mother figure, and seeing as you're more of a big sister's age to him I'm quite sure he doesn't want to see you as such.

That is not a snipe at you are your partners age gap. It's fine, nothing uncommon, just a number and all that- but I would have a bit of consideration for his soon to be adult son.

mrsjay Fri 06-Dec-13 17:40:44

That is not a snipe at you are your partners age gap. It's fine, nothing uncommon, just a number and all that- but I would have a bit of consideration for his soon to be adult son.

^ ^ and make sure his mum is ok with what he is doing or at least knows

BruthasTortoise Fri 06-Dec-13 17:42:42

Surely if the child's father is happy with what he's doing then that's enough? Particularly if the child is not being in anyway abused, neglected or mistreated?

snooter Fri 06-Dec-13 17:43:21

Is his mum worried you might fancy him or something? Did she leave his dad for a younger bloke?

mrsjay Fri 06-Dec-13 17:44:42

actually I agree with that but his mum really needs to know arrangements he is meant to be with his dad not the op.

ADishBestEatenCold Fri 06-Dec-13 17:45:52

"My fiancee was married to his ex-wife for 10 years and they had one son together, who is now 15. I met him (my now fiancee) a year after his divorce and recently we became engaged. I had met his son before the engagement"

Does the above mean that you have been in a relationship with your (now) fiancé for 4 years and met his son quite some time ago?

Your post doesn't make the timescales very clear (or is it just me that's not getting it!?!). How long have you been in a relationship with your fiancé? How long ago did you meet his son?

ApocalypseThen Fri 06-Dec-13 17:46:17

I'd say this kid!a mum thinks the whole set up us weird, and I don't blame her. You're marrying a man ten years older and palling around with a boy ten years younger, even having him overnight when his dad isn't there?

I think that's odd. I'd be very surprised if his mum didnt think it was too. And that his dad's a silly old goat.

perlona Fri 06-Dec-13 17:47:10

He doesn't need you as a mother figure, he already has one of those so stop trying to take over as one. You are not and never will be his mother. Be more of a friend or a favourite auntie type instead and don't overstep other peoples boundaries.

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