To put on my knight's outfit and attack my DM with a sword because she said 4 is old enough to wipe my own bottom?

(59 Posts)
BoffinMum Sun 01-Dec-13 11:45:15

I have a good arrangement with my DM, DF, DSis, DBs and indeed any other random people in the locality. I do a poo, they wipe me very nicely while I do a perfectly executed downward dog yoga position in the bathroom as my helpful contribution to the process. So far this has worked well as a hygiene strategy.

Only today things changed.

My DM offered instruction in how to rip off loo paper, how to fold loo paper, and how to reach my arm behind so I can wipe my own bottom. Then she told me to get on with it.

I was disgusted.

Poo is smelly and stinky, I told her, so this should be her job. My arms are too short.

She just laughed and told me to get on with it again.

I was not having that, so I put my entire foam knight's outfit on, got on my hobbyhorse and went into the sitting room armed with my foam sword to teach her a lesson. I was very cross. I rubbed my sword on her neck quite hard.

She just laughed and told me my bottom slaves were not going to do this for me any more. Sword or no sword.

Any amount of crying and protesting failed to work. I am concerned this neglect will continue. WWYD? WIBU?

BoffinMum Mon 09-Dec-13 22:46:12

I did announce at one stage I hated them all, EVEN Daddy.

BoffinMum Mon 09-Dec-13 22:45:06

Three stickers now and counting.
Seven more to my comic.
I am a knight that says 'OK then'

BoffinMum Wed 04-Dec-13 18:16:51

Well I have worked out that SOME people in this family will do the decent thing and wipe me, but MUMMY is the mean one who makes me do it all by my own now my arms are long enough. Although getting poo all down my legs and stuck to my ankles just before setting off for school has hopefully provided a disincentive to future wiping exhortations.

I have only got one sticker since Sunday.

AnyFuckersfrogslegs35 Sun 01-Dec-13 20:19:08

You think that you guys have problems - Sheesh!! At least you have hands wink

I'm not human, I'm a little hairy furball of a persian but I've got a few tricks for you all smile

My human mummy MUST wipe my bottom on occasions as I can't complete the task myself but sometimes a nasty lady comes and uses a noisy device in my bum area to remove my hair sad

Anyway,to get my revenge here's what I do to annoy mummy-
When your bum's not fully clean, go naked from the waist down and sit on the floor, open your legs and place your hands in front of you then proceed to drag your little arse across the floor/carpet, do it quickly and cover as much space as you can for maximum effect.

Rubbing naked bum on the side of the sofa or on mum's leg will guarantee a reaction too.

Good luck my little human friends, I hope you win your battles smile

phantomnamechanger Sun 01-Dec-13 20:14:37

1) poo in the toy box
2) look bemused while parents hunt for source of stench
3) deny all knowledge and blame burglars/mice/ghosts when the poop is found.
4) RESULT - they will escort you to and from the loo and clean your botty forevermore

HTH grin juniorphantom

TheNaughtySausage Sun 01-Dec-13 19:58:56

Oooooh you are all giving me lots of ideas! I still have to wear nappies but I do like to roll over the second mummy takes my nappy off so that I can make nice pooey smears on my changing mat. I've also discovered a lovely table covered in all sorts of interesting things just within reaching distance and one day I will squirm and wriggle all the way there while mummy is trying to keep me out of the pooey smears, bwa hahahahaaaaa!
From BabySausage aged 10 months

Tanith Sun 01-Dec-13 19:36:40

There's no pleasing these mummies sometimes! When I learned to wipe my own bottom, I told my Mummy that I didn't need her any more and it was lucky because she'd be dead, soon, anyway.

She got a bit upset. You'd have thought she'd be proud that I could cope on my own at 4, but no! confused

ItsAWonderfulCervix Sun 01-Dec-13 19:12:52

I simply cannot believe all you lot. you really need to pull yourselves together and grow up.

I have been wiping my own bottom since I was about 2. It really isn't that hard.

Although I may have been much more advanced than you lot due to my Dear M's commitment to Elimination Communication. I have been continent since I was 3 weeks old.

Independence is a wonderful thing.


londonrach Sun 01-Dec-13 18:13:27

Lol. Holly here aged 5 londonrach is my aunt. she seemed shocked when i needed my bottom wiped and havent repeated the experience. Need to talk to my uncle about this as need some cousins... Little boffin why would you want to ruin your nice pretty pants and not wipe. I was so pleased to leave nappies behind to get to choose my pants every morning. I have a special drawer and even have some peppa pigs ones. They go nicely under my different princesses clothes. Why a knight outfit when you can be spider or a snowman or a princesses. Outfit changes every half a hour with christmas day or friend visiting ever 10 minutes.... Dm fails to understand why id rather put something else one instead of playing but my friend not see new outfit. Pink and red so go together and fail to see why londonrach said it didnt. Who said they keep something on for a week.....why..theres so much to try on....

BoffinMum Sun 01-Dec-13 17:51:05

<arf> at privy of the stool! grin

OneMoreThenNoMore Sun 01-Dec-13 17:36:43

MiniOneMore here; this is neglect, surely?

My tip is to start doing it in your pants, then they'll be grateful when you make it onto the potty in time for half an hour, whilst playing with your toys All thoughts of teaching you to get yourself upstairs to the toilet will quickly disappear.

They know that I manage to do it all by myself at nursery but they can't figure out why I keep having accidents at home wink


SuffolkNWhat Sun 01-Dec-13 17:34:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

capercaillie Sun 01-Dec-13 17:15:13

Can I join in? I'm 4 too. My mum says she is going to take the potties away. I am too small to get on the toilet and I fall in it. Besides, I can't sit for an hour on the toilet playing with the octonauts. If we gang up together, we can write a book and tell them they are wrong wrong wrong.

Little miss capercaillie.

Ps mummy was laughing so much that I managed to get phone. Weird.

JennyOnAPlate Sun 01-Dec-13 17:13:33

The trick is to make such an awful mess of it that your mummy never lets you near your own bum again. I'm talking poo under the fingernails messy, and a blocked toilet to boot.

Littleplate age 3.10

Rufustherednosedreindeer Sun 01-Dec-13 17:02:51

You need to work harder, my daddy was still wiping my poo bum when I was well over 9

Even though my mummy kept telling him not do it and that I should be doing it myself...I showed her!!!!!

Rufus number 2 (that is not a pun I am child number 2 grin)

Mamagiraffe Sun 01-Dec-13 15:28:16

babygiraffe here... 2 words- ghost poo, keep her guessing and surprise attack when she least expects ;-) hth

BoffinMum Sun 01-Dec-13 15:10:39

grin Silver

Gilbert and George must have started off their careers doing that. grin

I have been told I can choose a comic if I get a lot of stickers on my chart. Damn the woman! I now like the idea. She does this every time!

SilverApples Sun 01-Dec-13 13:03:24

I once spent ages and ages in the loo, and when my mummy came to find out what I was doing, I gave her a mouse, carefully sculpted with ears and a tail and everything.
I was very, very cross and upset when she flushed it, I was going to call her Mousey and she would have been my pet.

The following convoconvo just worked for me:

'Muuuuuum, wipe my bumbum' (mum is downstairs in the sofa hungoverpoorly.

No sshe says, do it yourself.

'But you always tell me not to touch my bottom when I'm scratching it on the sofa. I'm just doing as I'm told.'

She came and wiped it and said I was too clever for my own good. Result.



Best to do it in your pants and squish it about a bit, then she will be grateful she only has to wipe your bum and not your whole bottom half.

leonardofquirm Sun 01-Dec-13 12:57:29

Hand washing.

Stupid Mummy's phone.

Lonecatwithkitten Sun 01-Dec-13 12:55:25

The kitten here, take a leaf from my book no one has been near my bottom since I was three, it is private I did not want some adult wiping round there - they tried on occasions saying I had not done it properly.
The getting dressed thing if you do it yourself you can wear what you like the adults are just sooooo delighted you are wear clothes. I once wore a Snow White costume for an entire week.
What gets me is do they not understand I am big enough to do everything.

Salmotrutta Sun 01-Dec-13 12:54:52

TruttaGrandChild here - apparently I'm supposed to learn how to use a potty hmm

Please help.

leonardofquirm Sun 01-Dec-13 12:54:25

I like to say that I don't want a mummy anymore, that seems to get her.

I pretend to be interested in poo wiping lessons, but don't ever try really.

I'm too busy trying to get them to hold my willy for me in an attempt to avoid hand .

Mini ofquirm

NotAQueef Sun 01-Dec-13 12:53:42

You fools, stay in nappies like me!
I turned 3 on Friday and like to mock my Mummy by demanding the potty, sotting on it for an hour (producing nothing) then doing a great big poo/wee in a nice clean fresh nappy. I see no reason to rock the boat at this stage. She doesn't know that I sometimes wee in the potty at nursery.


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