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me chooseto ignore me when we go pregnant

(143 Posts)
aloneforsure Sun 01-Dec-13 07:46:49

he keeps on ignoring my msgs even when i have left day and weeks inbetween msgs and i kept the topic about the baby, was civil to him ans wished him well etc.

i even sent him a pic of me holding a postive test ( he implied i was lying first of all). and i invited him to any scans, plus offered DNA etc.

the only talk we has lasted 7 mins, when he lecured me on the morning after pill and said it would be best if we had NO contact.

AIBU to just want to know how he feels about the baby?

perfectstorm Mon 02-Dec-13 12:15:35

Go and see a Brook counsellor, it doesn't mean you're committing to an abortion and they can point you in the direction of organisations who can help if you decide to continue.

Agree. Also think you could contact the local authority and ask about your likely placement on housing priority lists, given your health situation, your vulnerability as a single parent and so on. Info is always helpful when making choices, and the chances you'll be housed vary so much by area.

perfectstorm Mon 02-Dec-13 12:13:37

Yes they are both responsible for the pregnancy, but only OP has the final decision on whether to become a parent or not.

I think that's a bit of a myth. Men can choose to opt out completely if they like, too. They just can't opt a chunk of their bank accounts out.

Caitlin17 Sun 01-Dec-13 18:51:47

Bohemiangirl that was a nasty, mean spirited comment. I always told my son that if has sex he gets a girl pregnant, he shares responsibility with her. Full stop.

To the OP, I feel very sorry for you. No one on here can make a decision for you but you must be clear you need the strength to cope on your own.

Go and see a Brook counsellor, it doesn't mean you're committing to an abortion and they can point you in the direction of organisations who can help if you decide to continue.

Do you live in a city which has any sort of drop in Well Women or Benefits advice centre? You need professional advice. Do you have any current health or social services contacts?

ilovesooty Sun 01-Dec-13 18:18:23

And she got her lecture didn't she sooty?

So she says. We don't know what was actually said.

Where was his?

We also don't know what she said to him.

I don't think I'm unreasonable in saying they have both behaved as irresponsibly as one another.

SuperStrength Sun 01-Dec-13 18:07:14

Talking about having a baby one day is very very different to actually agreeing to having a baby.

The OP needs to realise that whilst his extended family are supportive of their existing family members (grand children, nieces,nephews etc) it CANNOT be assumed that this support will be extended to her & her child should she wish to continue with the pregnancy against his wishes.

Yes they are both responsible for the pregnancy, but only OP has the final decision on whether to become a parent or not.

I hope my sons are able to CHOOSE when to become parents. His mum may feel the same as me.

ShinyBauble Sun 01-Dec-13 17:51:26

"Their actions were equally irresponsible. She didn't have to have sex without a condom did she?" And she got her lecture didn't she sooty? Where was his?

SilverApples Sun 01-Dec-13 17:42:49

Exactly what Ilovesooty said;

'But meanwhile, in cases like this a baby who was unplanned and seemingly unwanted is at risk of being born to a mother who doesn't have the financial, physical and emotional resources to cope. She has already said SS might be involved.
The biggest loser here is potentially the child.'

OP, there are very few resources out there to support you, and what is available is being cut back viciously. The father doesn't want to be involved, so anything you get is going to have to be dragged out unwillingly from him.
Please think about you, and the baby and if you do continue with the pregnancy, face it as a one-woman band.

perfectstorm Sun 01-Dec-13 17:25:09

Yeah, I made the mistake of reading the commentary and not rereading the OP - she clearly implies they talked about having kids together one day and states that it was a relationship, not a one-night-stand. And he mentioned the morning after pill when she told him she was pregnant, not when she could actually have taken it, I think. So people aren't actually being fair to her, me included. Sounds as if he broke up with her when she told him she was pregnant, after a relationship that involved her getting to know his friends and family. That's not a fling, and he's not looking very impressive for refusing to even talk to her, is he.

I suppose it comes down to what sort of inner resources you have, and only the OP can know the answer to that one. Personally I don't think I would cope well at all with being a single parent, but others thrive. It's an individual answer.

Horrendously tough choice, really.

LithaR Sun 01-Dec-13 16:52:34

Perfect storm my situation was almost identical. My ex always wanted kids and did nothing to prevent them with me. After the fact he pestered me for an abortion up till the 25th week and i said no. He then cut off contact altogether.

i had no family support and almost died giving birth but i don't regret having him. Even with my disabilities

fluffyraggies Sun 01-Dec-13 16:32:40

You're right sooty.

My own post ducked out of what the OP should actually do now, and was a gut reaction to the posts musing about responsibility.

Once the baby is a reality (and it already is) then the child must be the focus of course. Not who is at fault.

My advice to OP right now would be to look past the issue of what he wants or doesn't want. (I think it will all be negative from him anyway.)

As posters have said this is between you and the baby now. Take some time and think it through. Seek some support in RL.

flowers OP

whois Sun 01-Dec-13 16:15:46

The biggest loser here is potentially the child

^This.

I wish more people would think more about their responsibility to the unborn child than of their own right to have a baby.

This situation is not a good one. For anyone.

ilovesooty Sun 01-Dec-13 16:05:35

Yes, it's the woman's choice regading whether to go ahead.

Yes, the man is financially responsible.

But meanwhile, in cases like this a baby who was unplanned and seemingly unwanted is at risk of being born to a mother who doesn't have the financial, physical and emotional resources to cope. She has already said SS might be involved.

The biggest loser here is potentially the child.

fluffyraggies Sun 01-Dec-13 15:59:06

- Both parties are equally responsible for a pregnancy resulting from unprotected sex*.

- Once pregnant however, it's the woman's choice weather to go ahead and have the child.

- If the woman wants to go ahead then the father has financial responsibility towards that child for 18 years.

These ^ ^ three simple facts are things men/boys need to understand. They are what i would be drumming into my sons if i had any ... rather than all this ''evil, manipulative women'' stuff hmm

gobbynorthernbird Sun 01-Dec-13 15:55:13

This thread makes me terribly sad.

ilovesooty Sun 01-Dec-13 15:53:29

ive been sick in hospital, so we ahem made up for things when i felt well enough

It hasn't been made clear whether it was unprotected sex, I agree, but it sounds as though neither of them gave much thought to the consequences. The responsibility is a joint one.

ccsays Sun 01-Dec-13 15:48:18

For all those saying the OP had unprotected sex and was irresponsible, has she actually said that anywhere in the thread or is that just being presumed? Contraception can fail you know hmm

ilovesooty Sun 01-Dec-13 15:47:43

Really, he lectured you about the morning after pill? He should have lectured himself on the use of condoms, what a saddo

Their actions were equally irresponsible. She didn't have to have sex without a condom did she?

perfectstorm Sun 01-Dec-13 15:35:55

Litha, disability by itself isn't an issue. Disability in someone without any friends or family as support, who can't understand what a man who wants no contact at all with her wants for their future as co-parents because he said he wanted kids one day and here she is, pregnant... that isn't analogous to your past situation.

She has obviously got various emotional, physical and financial issues she very much needs and deserves support with, but while she is working on those issues, I don't honestly think she will have the resources needed for parenting. There's no money, no family or friendship network to offer support, emotional difficulties, boundary difficulties and physical disability. Focusing in on any one area while not treating them all as interconnected IMO does her a disservice. She's her, not any other poster, and her situation is the one being talked about. Clearly the choice must be hers, and she alone can make it, but pretending most issues don't exist because you identify with one and found it really manageable dealing with that one doesn't IMO help her.

OP, I hope you're doing okay. This must be hellish, please don't think we don't know that.

ShinyBauble Sun 01-Dec-13 15:34:53

Really, he lectured you about the morning after pill? He should have lectured himself on the use of condoms, what a saddo.

Stop listening to gossip. It will all be unpleasant. Don't allow his 'friends' spiteful gossip pressurise you into keeping the baby just to prove it's real. They'll start out with 'they only had unprotected sex, she can't be pregnant!' then move on to saying he's not the father, then if that get's proved there will be a lot of whinging about custody and support. We've all watched Jeremy Kyle and the likes, we know the drill! You will not get any heart-felt apologies from that type.

The fact is, it sounds like he is going to be thoroughly unpleasant whatever happens - so forget him. Report him to the CSA if you have the baby and hopefully he will be made to contribute financially if nothing else, but you really need to think about what YOU want. No what-ifs. You can't count on his family to step up. You need to look at reality as it is now. Do you think you could cope? That is the only thing you should be giving serious thought to right now.

Sallyingforth Sun 01-Dec-13 15:11:34

Yes sooty. The prime consideration here should be for the baby. It would be most unfair so it to suffer due to the irresponsible behaviour of both parents.

ilovesooty Sun 01-Dec-13 14:55:09

Any disability she has has sod all to do with it and I think the suggestion that it has is grossly offensive. I'm concerned that she's demonstrating total irresponsibility and an expectation that others will pick up the slack and that the baby is coming into a miserable life and is already being used as a pawn.

Litha, the difference is the OP is saying she defintiely can't cope on her own and has a response as to why any suggestion won't work. Which suggests to me she won't cope and she and the baby will have a miserable life. For people in general, whether disability or not, I wish them luck and if they think the baby will be loved and they will cope with being a parent then I believe their child will be one of the lucky ones.

LithaR Sun 01-Dec-13 14:44:28

What is it with people saying she should get rid because of the ops disabilities. I have disabilities and probably take better care of my son than some normal people.

My cousin with cerebral palsy is having a baby, i suppose some posters here would wish her to be sterilised. How barbaric that people think disabled people shouldn't breed.

The op needs support on moving on without her ex, not condemnation for being disabled. How cruel people have become.

flippinada Sun 01-Dec-13 14:17:54

The reason I mentioned the age gap is because I'm wondering if the op is a lot younger than the man involved - that's the impression I get from her posts - of course I may be wrong

HedgehogsRevenge Sun 01-Dec-13 14:12:48

A man does have a say though fifi. He can choose not to have unprotected sex in the first place. He will have been well aware that by choosing not to use protection that it is quite likely the result of that will be a baby. Of course he does'nt have a say after conception since we all have autonomy over our own bodies. That's just biology.

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