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Watching stuff in bed

(50 Posts)
Doitnow Sun 01-Dec-13 07:21:41

Hello. First AIBU - not quite as light hearted as of like but happy to put this out there for honest reaction as I'm wondering if my "reasonable-meter" is off!

DH and it went to bed last night, about 10ish as we're pretty tired and have a cold. I was in bed first and going to sleep. DH gets into bed and turns his phone on to Match of The Day. Yes, it is on low but I can still hear it. So I huff and puff for a bit expecting him to grab some headphones but he doesn't. So I ask if he can get some. He says no. So I ask him to go down stairs to watch it on tv. He obviously says no too. And suggests that if it bothers me, I should go and get him some headphones! They were downstairs.

Unfortunately this descended into a massive row about how I nag etc.

As background, he knows I don't like football. Also he is pretty tired and stressed at mo due to very busy patch at work. And he goes like to watch motd but isn't massively into watching football all the time!

As an aside, when I was bf our little one, I wore headphones if I wanted to catch up on a bit of telly.

This morning he has repeated that if I was bothered, I should have sorted it!

Was I being unreasonable?

I rcognise that this is clearly just a snippet but I'd be grateful for some frank views!

Thank you!

VikingVagine Sun 01-Dec-13 08:46:30

YANBU, your "D"H is being a selfish, inconsiderate twat. I'd be fuming, although my DH would never do something like that to me (and vice versa) because he's a nice person and a loving husband.

merrymouse Sun 01-Dec-13 08:50:22

very odd behaviour on his part. Of course he should have used headphones.

KungFuBustle Sun 01-Dec-13 08:51:53

YANBU. He was very selfish. Headphones or not he should have watched downstairs to minimise his disturbing you. Hope you feel better soon.

I do think all men are selfish which is definitely highlighted when you have children as they get less attention. Unbelievable that they need to be treated like children - this is bullshit. My DH is not some attention seeking man child. You can comment on your own relationships but don't tar an entire gender because your DH is selfish.

peggyundercrackers Sun 01-Dec-13 08:52:59

HenD19 - I think your statement about all men being selfish is a bit sweeping and erm... blinkered.

Doitnow Sun 01-Dec-13 08:58:18

hen I did start doing very simple things like that but unfortunately just got told I was selfish. Hmmm, not sure DH is very good at reflecting on his behaviour.

kungfu. It made me feel really sad when you said about your DH (and very envious sad) Makes me think I've made a massive mistake. I've always thought that most men are selfish so you have to put up with a certain amount of crap.

Dontwanttobeyourmonkeywrench Sun 01-Dec-13 09:08:48

DH can't fall asleep without background noise and I need silence. I can fall asleep in a dimly lit room, he needs it to be pitch dark. Our compromise is he wears earphones if he wants to use the tablet and I use my paper white if I want to read.

We sometimes argue about it but usually when tired or ill.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Sun 01-Dec-13 09:11:10

Doitnow sad I'm not sure what the answer is, but yes, he was being selfish and a git - and by the sounds of it, is like this a lot... it is not normal and it is not nice.

JeanSeberg Sun 01-Dec-13 09:27:56

That makes me wonder about your childhood and previous relationships and where you've learned that men = selfish and relationships = putting up with crap?

When he tells you you're being selfish, tell him what's good for the goose is good for the gander. Or tell him "I am who I am and no one should have to change to make someone else happy" Cheeky git!

No YANBU, your DH was. If he had been in bed first, settled and warm, THEN you came to bed, then I would say you should have brought the headphones with you. As you were there first, there's no way he should have started playing something and stopping you from sleeping. Bloody selfish of him.

daisychain01 Italy Sun 01-Dec-13 09:35:11

Sadly these negative behavioural patterns often persist from childhood, even reinforced by their own parents sad.

hen choosing a dessert you like definitely isn't selfish, why is your choice any less valid than your DH's? Go for it, it gives a strong message "hello there? Yes I do exist!!" Hope it starts to really get a message of respect through smile

pictish Sun 01-Dec-13 09:39:24

I've always thought that most men are selfish so you have to put up with a certain amount of crap

I know a few people who subscribe to this way of thinking too, but I think it's untrue. Sure...they have experienced crap behaviour and become conditioned into accepting it as the norm. It's not my normal though, and it is not what I expect, or would tolerate. I don't have these problems as a selfish, self entitled man wouldn't be awarded a place in my bed. Far too shabby for me!

I think the tv issue is very telling here. Your dh obviously feels that his agenda supercedes yours, no discussion. What he wants is more important than what you want. Your role is to suck it up and not complain.
The very fact that he thinks that if you're bothered you must fetch him some headphones, is so revealing. He firmly sees it as your problem.
He does what he likes and if you have issue with that, it's you automatically at fault.
His attitude stinks.

KungFuBustle Sun 01-Dec-13 09:39:27

Sorry Doit thanks

Fwiw I don't think anyone should have to put up with a relationship where the other person has no regards for their feelings.

Everyone has selfish moments, or exercises bad judgement occasionally. No one's perfect. But those times should be in the minority. It should be an equal playing ground IMHO. Both partners should get some me-time or treat time.

Doitnow Sun 01-Dec-13 09:52:34

Hi. Thank you all very much for your thoughts. I know that I need to address this. I guess I'm putting it off because his response is always to point out the things I do or my personality traits that annoy him. I am certainly not perfect but I do try to listen to what he says and adapt my behaviour if I think he has a point. I suppose I feel that he doesn't do the same.

The thing that makes me sad is that so much of our relationship is good. We have 2 lovely children. The same financial views/priorities, and do get on well most of the time.

I guess the problems are the fact that he completely loses it out of the blue (not violent but shouting and swearing) and he can be quite selfish.

I don't want to break up, I want to fix it!

I'm sorry, didn't mean this thread to be a total out pouring!

pictish Sun 01-Dec-13 10:04:37

Yes...it's called deflection. It serves the purposes of turning the attention away from his bad behaviour, straight on to you, so you'll be blindsighted and drop the subject of his wrongdoing it can conveniently (for him) be swept to the side.

Also the rages out of the blue. Again designed to intimidate you into shutting up about whatever it is he can't be arsed to face/change/apologise for. It also serves as a warning for the next time you're thinking expressing any displeasure with anything he does.

I'm sure he's lovely so long as it's all going his own way and his needs and wants are priority though.

I'm not saying LTB, but his bullying (and yes, that's exactly what it is) has to stop. He is not more important than you, and it is not his God given right to rule the roost.

KungFuBustle Sun 01-Dec-13 10:05:21

If there are many positives then it's fixable! Doesn't have to be a break up situation.

Is it likely that you would be able to sits down and discuss together, with n agreement that there will be no swearing or shouting, how you can deal with things like this together and how it makes you feel?

Be prepared that there will also be things he wants to deal with, he shouldn't be deflecting or blaming you for his shortcomings but no relationship has a partner who is 100% perfect.

Ruffcat Sun 01-Dec-13 10:11:58

I wonder if he did it on purpose to force an arguement out of you so he could turn it around onto how much of a nag you are!

HawtChocolate Sun 01-Dec-13 10:15:17

YANBU

I like (and need) my kip. DH doesnt watch Tv or go on his ipad (the light disturbs my sleep) once I am ready for a rest, and goes downstairs in the morning if he wakes aearlier than me. I do the same.

Bedrooms are for sleeping.

Mia4 Sun 01-Dec-13 10:29:31

He's an arse. I hope you can make it work OP but it takes two, not just you banging away at trying- remember that and don't let him convince you that you need to do all the work in sorting. My DP always watched tv before sleeping, but it drives me to distraction so I always told him that after 15 minutes the tv would have to go off so i could sleep or I didn't stay over. It's about compromise, he can't sleep with the light on so i don't read in bed for long then 15 minutes, i'm on the sofa or turning out the light.

Nowadays he uses podcasts and i only occasionally ask him to turn them down because i can hear the chatter over the headphones. They do football podcasts, maybe that's a compromise? Or headphones- which he has to get, lazy mofo.

DoJo Sun 01-Dec-13 10:58:47

I'm not in any way defending him as I agree with everyone else that he was selfish and rude. However, this stuck out for me:

" So I huff and puff for a bit expecting him to grab some headphones but he doesn't. So I ask if he can get some. He says no. So I ask him to go down stairs to watch it on tv. He obviously says no too. And suggests that if it bothers me, I should go and get him some headphones! They were downstairs."

Why huff and puff? Why not just ask him straight out rather than hope that he will interpret your huffing in the correct way. Passive aggressive harrumphing would make me feel more nagged than just coming out and asking, so maybe you need to address the way you both communicate with one another.

HelloBoys Sun 01-Dec-13 11:28:51

I had an ex who was a bit like this only in his swanky pad he couldn't fall asleep without iPod playing music. Fine it was his flat but when I stayed over and subsequently moved in with him I turned it off and/or suggested earphones.

I don't think he was overly happy (I generally am noise and light sensitive at night) but we both needed a good nights sleep and it was open plan flat.

My current bf watches US football a lot but AFAIK and when I sleep over its off at night. We were in a hotel this weekend and the shower dripping annoyed him so I sort of think we need/like similar things. Also I'm getting used to him eg not being overly keen on sleeping right on top of me in bed but was used to that with ex and this is newish relationship so it's give and take.

I'd suggest if this doesn't get any better try Relate. Sometimes this behaviour is so ingrained and you putting up with it same that he needs an outsider to make him think twice and change his patterns. I say Relate as he does seem stubborn and you need support. [tea]

HelloBoys Sun 01-Dec-13 11:30:49

cake thought there was one for tea!

Doitnow Sun 01-Dec-13 11:54:33

Thank you again everyone.

I probably do also need to check my way of communicating too - thank you do jo. I guess I feel like I already do a lot of checking and adjusting of my behaviour when he doesn't. Well that's probably not fair as he does adjust some things, like taking the kids off more do I can get a bit of me time and arranging his parents to babysit do we can have time together. I guess it's the emotional things he's not really adjusting.

But in a surprising development he did come out and meet us this morning (he was having a lie in) and apologised for rowing. After a bit of discussion, he said that he feels like I don't listen to him unless he blows his top. I can kind of see where he is coming from as he does leave subtle hints that he doesn't agree with something (or whatever it is) but generally they're so subtle that I don't pick up on them until he's blown his top! Anyway, we agreed that we would have to discuss this a bit more (got a houseful about to descend on us) but that he really needed to be more open early on so that I can know what he's thinking. I do gave a tendency to push on with things my own way if no one is objecting.

It's so strange with important parenting stuff we seem to be able to have good discussions about - thinking about it, that's probably because it's really important to him so we do discuss things a lot. It's more the little things that he lets fester then can't contain.

Aggghhhh! I'm sure relationships aren't supposed to be this hard!

Thank you again and sorry for banging on. Don't really feel like I can talk about this in real life !

WinterWinds Sun 01-Dec-13 11:57:37

Dh used to do this, he always watches Tv in bed and will be playing about on his tablet/phone. I would come to bed and despite asking to turn off would carry on watching/playing regardless.
I need total silence and darkness to be able to sleep. He soon took the hump when I moved to the spare room indefinitely though.
As soon as I go bed now he knows everything must be switched off or he goes downstairs/ to spare room if he isn't ready for sleeping.

I also cant sleep if he is draped all over me he stays on his side I stay on mine.

I think you and he need to sit down for a long chat. Relationships are all about give and take and considering each others feelings. If he is not willing to compromise at all then that that tells you everything you need to know. Hope it works out for you though.

Doitnow Sun 01-Dec-13 11:57:44

Oh meant so say, thanks about the comment about relate. I have thought about that but really don't think he'd go for it. Will certainly think about it if things don't improve.

It's so frustrating when it's the little things that are driving us apart.......

WinterWinds Sun 01-Dec-13 12:00:39

Oops x posted there.

Its good that he has apologised OP, show's he does have some level of consideration. I'm sure you will work it out!

Good Luck!

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