To hate DP staying out late at night

(48 Posts)
Turnedouttoes Sat 30-Nov-13 22:46:56

He goes out on average about once a week which I don't have a problem with at all. But I really struggle to sleep when he's not here and hate lying awake knowing I have to go to work in the morning.
Mainly it's due to worrying about what he might be up to. He's one of those people that are always in the wrong place at the wrong time and has a tendency to stay at friends houses and forget to send a text.
In the last six months I've been woken up by two phone calls on nights he's been out. Once when he was hit by a car after riding his bike drunk and once when he had been arrested (not his fault, we currently have a complaint against the police).
He says I'm being silly and there's no point in worrying.
Just once I'd like him to understand what it's like to not be able to sleep for hours, then get woken up at silly o'clock when he comes in then faffs around getting a drink of water, going to the toilet etc.

MinesAPintOfTea Sun 01-Dec-13 07:48:21

YABU to stay with someone who makes you so unhappy. He sounds like an immature tit ego isn't ready to grow up yet.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Sun 01-Dec-13 07:56:01

Seriously, LTB. You are ridiculous for not being able to sleep because he is out, but who wants to live with someone who gets that pissed regularly?

Read similar threads on here, they never end well. Imagine your scenario with a toddler and a new born thrown into the mix.

cantheyseeme Sun 01-Dec-13 08:02:09

Seriously? LTB because he goes out and op cant sleep hmm
My DP goes out and i tell him to stay at a mates rather than wake me and the kids, i can guarentee he is home by 9am. Just tell you OH how much it is getting to you and see if you can come to a compromise.

Jacobscracker1234 Sun 01-Dec-13 08:02:25

Yeah - it will only get worse.

MuffCakes Sun 01-Dec-13 08:16:27

If this was a man posting the same question, ie I hate my dp going out everyone would be outraged saying he was a controlling abuser...

Or someone saying my dp won't let me go out and throws a strip every time I do, whole different response.

And so what if he's throwing up in the toilet, least he's sleeping in the bathroom and not in your bed, (I would have a problem sleeping next to someone who might vom on me) you haven't got kids, just let it go.

I really can't see the problem with going out and having a few drinks. I went out last night and the only reason I didn't vom was because I ate enough while drinking. I would not put up with having a partner telling me I couldn't go out and have a few drinks with my friends.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Sun 01-Dec-13 08:20:03

But OP can't sleep when her DP is out, so him crashing with a friend will mean she is awake all night. Which is ridiculous in itself by hey-ho.

It's just a bit sad that we have normalised drinking so much that it's fine if we get hit by a car / arrested / vomiting and sleeping on dirty laundry. If he was off his head on drugs and doing the same there would be much more condemnation.

They aren't married, they have no children. Why shouldn't she find a mor peaceful life by herself or with someone who doesn't drink himself stupid every week?

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Sun 01-Dec-13 08:21:03

* but

*more

cantheyseeme Sun 01-Dec-13 08:23:49

He is an adult....if he wants to be an irresponsible drinker thats his lookout, theres nothing worse than a sulking gf because dp went out. You could buy a dog maybe for company?

peggyundercrackers Sun 01-Dec-13 08:46:29

if you cant sleep because hes out that's your issue - hes an adult and can look after himself - your not his mother and you are not there to worry about what hes been up to.

I think we all go through phases of drinking/going out but normally get over this once we get a little older and start to settle down.

having his head in the laundry basket made me laugh and made me remember my younger days - I slept in someones garden drunk, my brother slept in the bath drunk... its part of growing up but I would be mortified if I did it now.

Thants Sun 01-Dec-13 08:54:06

Does he go out week nights? Or do you have to work weekends?
He should keep in touch with you no matter how drunk he is. That's just selfish.
It sounds like he can't handle drinking anyway if he keeps doing stupid stuff when he is drunk. He should drink a lot less!

Thants Sun 01-Dec-13 08:56:46

Doth tell the op she is stupid for not being able to sleep. It's not a choice! She is worried and has reason to because he acts like an idiot.

JapaneseMargaret Sun 01-Dec-13 08:57:55

Presumably you're happy with the way your DP behave, cantheyseeme, since you're not on here whinging about him.

The OP is not happy. She doesn't have to accept this. Nor does the DP have to change, necessarily.

What they can both do is reassess, and figure out if they are, indeed, long-term compatible.

They don't have kids. On that basis, what on earth is wrong with suggesting LTB? It's actually not compulsory to have a boyfriend. Especially one who annoys you... hmm

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Sun 01-Dec-13 09:17:15

Oh, yes, I can see it now.

"My DP drinks himself stupid on a weekly basis. AIBU to get a dog purely to distract me from his vomit and criminal record?"

cantheyseeme Sun 01-Dec-13 09:22:58

Go to the gp about non sleeping then if she LTB She'll never sleep!!

brettgirl2 Sun 01-Dec-13 09:42:18

yanbu op. What other people think is irrelevant though really - you find it unacceptable. I would find it unacceptable. Why does he feel the need to get into that state?

If you have kids with him, goes out on Saturday, then too hungover to do anything Sunday. That's what your life will be like. I also say ltb and find someone who can stop drinking at a sensible point.

cantheyseeme Sun 01-Dec-13 09:47:10

Are you all serious about the LTBs??? Instead of addressing the issue, when the going gets tough LTB?! If women left their oh's for things that pissed them off there would be NO relationships! Im not saying accept his "behaviour" im saying talk and address it.
Or PACK YOUR BAGS RIGHT NOW AND LTB because a group of women on an internet forum have said so, not knowing anything else about your relationship.

grobagsforever Sun 01-Dec-13 09:52:31

OP I also have trouble sleeping when DP is out. And he is totally trustworthy, doesn't really drink. I am working really hard on recognising this is my problem not his. I try hard to sleep, usually fail, but there you go. Your DPs immature behaviour however is crap. Csn I ask hoe old you both are?

Preciousbane Sun 01-Dec-13 10:06:50

It's fine to go out and it is also ok to go out late, I spent over twenty years being a bit of a self serving hedonist. No one ever stopped me going out, not even my abusive ex.

It is not however not okay to get arrested nor ride your bike while drunk, nor vomit and pass out on the bathroom floor in a pile of dirty washing or piss everywhere.

I don't sleep as well when DH is away overnight and sometimes he goes away with work for a week. It is just because I'm used to his bulk laying there. I do just get on with it, I suppose he doesn't need to get pissed to the point of another disaster every week though. Many people like the odd amusing disasterous anecdote to retell about the great night they had but week after week no way.

How old is he? and can he afford it.

MinesAPintOfTea Sun 01-Dec-13 10:23:46

The reason for the LTBs is because every week there are threads about women who have been left holding the baby whilst the 'father' gets pissed then is fit for nothing the next day. The op has no children, why should she stay with someone who is making her unhappy?

When someone tells you who they are, believe them.

cantheyseeme Sun 01-Dec-13 10:29:12

So tar all fathers who go out with the same brush?
Also, people tend to grow up when they have children, op might not want kids at all so being left with the baby is so irrelevant its unreal! What is wrong with addressing this with him?

Upcycled Sun 01-Dec-13 10:44:13

Is he a teenager?

Listen OP, it's clear his behaviour makes you unhappy, and the chances of him changing are slim since this is part of his character/ personality. He might do it less frequently once you have kids but he still will do it sometimes because he obviously think this is acceptable.

The question is, will you be happy living long term with someone who behaves like this?

MinesAPintOfTea Sun 01-Dec-13 13:01:58

Canthey of course not. I encourage dh to go out. But I am confident that when he does he will not behave in a manner that the police will be involved or allow feeling hungover to affect family life other than coffee consumption.

The op's partner otoh seems to be incapable of acting like an adult and sees nothing wrong with this. If he's regularly causing the op distress due to how he chooses to behave then they aren't compatible. She night choose to accept this behaviour but if longer teen commitments or children are planned then I personally would advise against then with this guy. People don't change if they are happy with their behaviour.

JapaneseMargaret Sun 01-Dec-13 17:36:50

This has been going on for ages. As long as they've been together.

It has escalated n the last 6 months. The OP clearly does talk about it with her DP. His response is, and I quote:

He says I'm being silly and there's no point in worrying.

You put up with that, if you want to, canthey. The rest of us are just as entitled to tell the OP that actually, there are zillions more fish in the sea. Cut your losses now, before you're shackled to this man-child, with even more children to look after.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now