To not take my daughter to see her biological father?

(189 Posts)
violet1982 Sat 30-Nov-13 18:41:39

Sorry, this may be a bit long!

I met my ex partner whilst on holiday abroad. We started a holiday romance and eventually I moved over to his country to be with him, I really did love him as I didn't know what he is really like. When I used to visit him for a holiday he was wonderful, really kind and considerate and acted as though he was a lovely guy. After moving over there to be with him, when he realised I had no money he turned into a complete monster. I found out that he is actually a compulsive liar, he cheated on me, plus he took steroids and smoked cannabis permanently - I only found all of this out when I was pregnant. When I was pregnant the abuse got worse, mind games, physical abuse .... at one point he tried to strangle me, my life was a living nightmare. It was only when our baby was born that I realised that I had to move back to the UK as I didn't want our child living in those conditions. When I moved back to the UK I still used to take our baby over to see him on a regular basis. After a few years I met another man, we are now married and I am pregnant again and my first child is now 6 and calls my husband 'Dad' ... she knows he is not her real father and made her own choice to call him Dad but they really do both worship each other, my husband is the perfect father. Her real Dad is a lousy father, he has never paid a penny towards her upbringing and he has no parenting skills at all ... I will always remember when she first learnt to count, she was showing off to him and he said well I can count ... he started to show off and counted to 10 in his own language - he is a prat!
Now I am married and have another baby on the way I do not have the time to take my eldest to see her biological father, I work full time and my husband and I want to take her on family holidays, not to see her biological father every single year. Is this unreasonable? It's not cheap to go over there but the biological father is constantly pestering me to go over there, he turns abusive when I say I can't get time off work ( which is true) . When we go and see him he uses our daughter as a trophy, he shows her off but he always has a hidden agenda for asking us to go there - it's usually to try and get money off me. He is constantly asking me for money all of the time, sometimes I do send him some as I feel sorry as he lives in a poor country, but the more I send him the more he wants, he will say things like he 'only' needs £5K!!. He never phones, just texts and never asks to see a photo of his daughter. At the moment we go over there once a year but I would love just to change my number and email address and never speak to him again. All he ever wants is money, I feel as though I have a black cloud over my marriage as I get constant abuse via text from this man. My daughter hates it when she goes to visit her biological father, she hates the country and doesn't even like to speak to her biological father or his family when we are there, they are all very childish around her and find it funny to say things like she is ugly.... we had one family adult member bite her face because they were jealous. The biological father constantly does things to annoy her thinking he is being funny and joking. I have never bad mouthed him to our daughter but I am at my wits end now. What would you do?

I got to the end and it became totally clear. Yanbu. She doesn't want to go, she doesn't have a relationship with him, she's at risk of abuse when she goes there. No question that you should stop taking her.

Poppy67 Sat 30-Nov-13 18:47:58

Cut off contact. Simple. Why on earth put your daughter through this?

I would stop giving him money and I woud tell him that if he wanted to see his child he needs to come and see her. Or go to court.

and can I say again - STOP GIVING HIM MONEY!

And be careful. If he can no longer get money off you, don't take the child to his country.

greenfolder Sat 30-Nov-13 18:49:53

Honestly? Really? I would chuck my mobile away,write to him saying that he is welcome to visit anytime with 14 days notice and just forget about him tbh

Pobblewhohasnotoes Sat 30-Nov-13 18:50:58

Change your contact details and just leave it.

HedgehogsRevenge Sat 30-Nov-13 18:51:45

Change your number and move on. He is no father.

veee123 Sat 30-Nov-13 18:54:23

Why give him money. Id stop taking her and say if he wants to see her he can come to you.
He's a user , cruel and shes at risk.

violet1982 Sat 30-Nov-13 18:57:12

Thank you so much for the comments. This way of life has almost become normal to me now so it's nice to read the comments and it has hit home that it's not normal. I do dread taking her there, she is a trophy to them and I worry about kidnap. When she was born they wanted her ears pierced ... both him and his family don't have a clue when it comes to parenting.

violet1982 Sat 30-Nov-13 19:00:06

He cant come here. 1 he doesn't have any money and 2 he would never get a visa. I send him money because he has none, I suppose I feel more sorry for his family and I know he will buy some food with it for his family ( although the majority he will spend on himself). Plus his country rely on tourists and all planes have been stopped there until recently so he has no way of making money.

You are right to worry!

Honestly the best thing to do - given how your daughter feels and the - frankly - abusive way they treat her, it would be best to drop out of their lives. Stop contacting him. Stop sending money. Stop taking her. Make him make the effort.

If he actually cares about his child, he will. I suspect he will be furious and attempt to manipulate you but if he realises there is no more money coming his way ever - he will drop out of her life.

she has a father who loves her. She doesn't need this sack of shit.

You feel sorry for his family?

The people who are childish, who mock and laugh and call her ugly? The adult who bit her?

That family?

They are not your problem. They are not your responsibility.

They see you as a cash cow. A mug.

ccsays Sat 30-Nov-13 19:03:45

If you worry about kidnap then absolutely stop taking her there. Seek legal advice. Tell him he can come here if he wants to see her, that'll probably be enough to put him off, selfish dick. DO NOT send him money ever again. Do what's best for you and your daughter, she has a loving Dad where she is.

flaire Sat 30-Nov-13 19:05:16

He isn't your problem, violet. He's a grown man. Your first concern should be your DD, your unborn child and your husband. You should have more concern for your neighbour's cat than for this man. He hurt you and he is still exploiting you.

Write to him. Explain that you are pregnant and married, and that you have no intention of visiting him again. Then, at some future time, your DD wishes to have contact, then that is her decision.

If he doesn't like it - tell him to see you in court.

BohemianGirl Sat 30-Nov-13 19:05:26

I have to be brutally honest. I wouldn't take my child to a foreign country - especially one which (I am sorry if I offend) sounds somewhat third world and quite probably would not have laws to protect me and my child should a kidnap/snatching occur.

That is the bare bones of it. My child and wellbeing would be paramount. The Ex is not a father by any sense of the word. Although I do agree your child should have some sense of the other half of her identity and culture - that is an entirely different thread though

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 30-Nov-13 19:09:13

Its easy just pretend he does not exist

ivykaty44 Sat 30-Nov-13 19:10:29

At the moment we go over there once a year but I would love just to change my number and email address and never speak to him again

do it as he is a cad he will no doubt not bother to find your new contact numbers

BohemianGirl Sat 30-Nov-13 19:11:39

I hate to ask, but I can so I will - you daughter - is she 'saleable' or 'marriageable' in your Ex's culture?

I really just wouldnt be going anywhere with her.

Nanny0gg Sat 30-Nov-13 19:13:24

I don't know why you're even asking!

Read this again:
My daughter hates it when she goes to visit her biological father, she hates the country and doesn't even like to speak to her biological father or his family when we are there, they are all very childish around her and find it funny to say things like she is ugly.... we had one family adult member bite her face because they were jealous. The biological father constantly does things to annoy her thinking he is being funny and joking.

There's your answer.

puntasticusername Sat 30-Nov-13 19:15:48

It's not often I support cutting off contact between children and parents, but in this case I agree YANBU. Your daughter has no relationship with her natural father, doesn't like visiting and gets abused when she's there. And it doesn't sound as if he really cares much for her, or for anything being beyond what financial help he manages to weasel out of you.

You've been more than generous to him for a long time from the sound of it. I think I'd move on now if I were you.

violet1982 Sat 30-Nov-13 19:18:04

BohemianGirl - at 15 she will be marriage material over there.

My god, I should have come on here years ago. Thank you so much for your honest opinions, I feel like a fool ...and yes, they probably think that I am one. I must sound really gullible but these people are the masters at mind games. I agree that If I cut contact he will probably try and pester for a while ( he has contact details for some of my family) but he will soon give up when the money dries up.

SuperScrimper Sat 30-Nov-13 19:18:54

I think it's really sad when a woman can unilaterally cut off contact with her child's Father like some posters want her to.

I also find it depressing how many times a new 'Dad' comes on the scene and the child's real parent gets dropped.

He's clearly not perfect but why does he need to be cut out? Why not stop sending money and start doing weekly Skype?

violet1982 Sat 30-Nov-13 19:20:32

Nanny0gg you are right. I think that this has just become 'normal' to me now and I have almost been conditioned by him and his family. But reading comments on here has made me realise what has been at the back of my mind for years - this isn't normal.

whois Sat 30-Nov-13 19:22:15

Change you phone and email. Stop sending money. Forget about him. You and your daughter are better off withot him.

SuperScrimper Sat 30-Nov-13 19:23:59

Ok I'm clearly reading a totally different thread. You don't have time to see him...once a year. He likes to 'show her off', wow crime if the century for a man to show off the DD he sees once a year.

You took his child to another country he can't visit. His family don't sound great, but now you will basically stop them ever seeng her again. She's 6, she won't be keen on talking to people she harly knows but that won't improve by cutting them out completely!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now