I am being unreasonable to support my friends husband over her?(45 Posts)
I have a serous moral dileima and I dont know if this is the right place for it but here goes.
At the moment my former "best" friend is currently being taken to court for GBH and domestic violence crimes against her husband and children. Her lawyer has requested I come as a charater witness in support of my friend but I myself have witnessed her attacking her husband and in good faith I wont lie for her as I have known for awhile that she beat her husband and was gradually distancing myself from her I didnt shop her to the police at this point because the husband asked me not to as in his words "it wasnt so bad".
But thankfully he stepped up to the plate and finally reportered her to the police after she started beating the children. She in confidence told me she did beat them but only because they were pushing her boundries etc and the normal script an abuser sprouts, she is now saying that her husband is the abuser and its the husband that caused the injuries to the children.
I am unreasonable to make the descion of not only not supporting her but to go the step futher and provide the prosicution with evidence that completely contradics her entire deffence (I have the skype conversation saved and video evidence of her hitting her husband with a frying pan) (the video was being taken at a joint birthday party for our children) this was the incedent why I was distancing myself from her.
I have only asked a couple of friends as alot of my friends are joint friends so would orquid and the friends who I asked basically say stay out of it etc but I need more opinions as I dont know what to do. I am leaning towards the option of supplying the evidence to the prosicution but I would like some outside views before I do so.
I am sorry for the bad english as I am dyslectic and english isnt my first langauge.
Well done OP for being brave and doing the right thing.
Sorry I missed your update eventhough I thought I had read the full thread. Well done for handing in the evidence, whatever happens atleast your consience is clear. Out of curiousity, is the husband the father of the new baby or somebody else? If she is pregnant, then social services will get involved and it wont mean that she will avoid prison. She got pregnant to avoid a jail term?
Would you still be holding onto the video if it was of her beating her children? Dont hesitate because if the court believes her story and then she is handed FULL custody of the kids what do you think will happen to them if they piss her off?
Aren't you witholding evidence by not handing it into the police? You may get into trouble for not helping the husband rather than for giving evidence against your 'friend'.
Turn the situation around, if you were in the husbands position and somebody had filmed your partner beating you & the children. Wouldnt you want them to hand it into the police to save you & the kids from further abuse?
Also I dont think you should be posting specific detsils about a court case on an internet forum.
sorry didn't notice the date you originally posted
I too would support the husband especially if she is trying to blame him as she could get the kids and carrying on hurting them. I think you know you are doing the right thing by siding with the husband and protecting the kids
Just an update
I gave the video to authoritors and I dont know if it has / was used but she has been found guility of the offences. I dont know about family court procedings as they were on hold due to the criminal procedings. I dont know what sentance she will recive as all the judge has send is that their is a possibilty she will a custodian sentance (or words around that effect) but the sentaning isnt until the new year. (but apprently shes pregneant again and been telling people this means she wont be going to jail but I dont know the law around this so she might be lying
In contrast the CPS (sp?) dropped all charges/ no case to answer am not sure on the spefics around this though, on the husband.
But hopefully the family judge wont rule in favour of the 'mother' application for sole custody of the children due to the fact shes been found guilty of domestic violence reletated crimes (not sure of terminology of the crimes) agaisnt both the husband and the children.
Thank you everyone for making me see that their was no dilema and I have totally dropped her and the mutail friends we had that think she has been hard done to since she has been found guilty. (they harrased me for awhile when she rang me for sympothy and I bluntly told her I wanted no thing else to do with her). They still think its all a set up by her husband even though some of them were there at the party inserdent.
(sorry again for poor spelling and grammer english isnt my first langauge and am dyslexic)
"My only concern is that there is some truth in the claim that her DH is beating the children. It wouldn't be unheard of for both parents to be abusers. If she gets sent down and the husband gets custody do you think the children are safe? Having said that, except for the word of a known abuser, you have no proof for that and they may well be much better off with just their father."
Would you feel the same way if the OP had posted with genders reversed?
Its no surprise that men in this situation get a rough deal.
Good for you, take this disgusting bitch down. Protect those babies and give them at least a chance of a normal life away from her.
Let us know how you get on.
good on you op. right thing to do.
This isn't about you and your friend. This is about the welfare of the kids.
Do whats right for them.
sorry I didnt make myself clear I was not considering assiting / standing by her but rather do I go one step futher and shop her and show her as the total lier she is and I have come to conclusion what I was thinking of doing I jsut wanted futher opinion after what some friends said.
Thanks again for the advice first thing monday mornign CPS is getting all the evidnece I have and I will let them know I am willing to be a witness for them.
I've known my best friend 25 years, and if she was an abuser, too damn right i'd shop her and she bloody knows i would too.
Not helping the prosecution, will just put those poor children at the mercy of their horrific mother and away from a man who is trying to protect them.
YANBU. You'd be doing nobody else any favours by standing by her.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
superscrimper it wasnt the child she hit but her partner I dont have any video evidence of her hitting the children if I had I wouldnt even consider not handing it in. But it is less of a dilemia if i look at it from the propestive of victim / abuser and I am kicking myself for not thinking like that
No dilemma. Protect the children.
What type of person has a video of a grown adult hitting a child with a frying pan and can't decide whether to hand it to the police?!
Sort yourself out OP. Seriously. It's ridiculous you need to ask the question.
I havent seen any evidence of him hitting or abusing her or the children in all the time I have known them both I have never even seen him raise his voice to the children or to her not once but I cant garentee what goes on behind closed doors. But I dont think i can stand by and watch his children dinied access to him but I know for a fact she is an abuser.
I can I sadly confirm its real and I feel for the children they are some of the kindest children I know and I feel stupidly bad for not reporting sooner. Thank you everyone for confirming what I thought was the right decision
you need to change your friends if some of them think it's perfectly ok to support a violent child abuser.
am not often shocked here but your considering not supporting her dh and protecting her children. and you have 'friends' who tell you not to interfere is disgusting.
There isn't a dilemma here. The most important thing is for her children to be protected. Hand in the evidence. It's your moral obligation and not a dilemma.
Losing her as a fiend isn't a big loss.
Try not to think of it as supporting him over your friend.
Think of it as supporting the victim not the abuser.
When put like that it doesn't seem like a dilemma at all. Please do support him. It is difficult for victims of domestic violence to come forward and they need all the help they can get, whether they're a woman or a man.
This isn't a 'he said, she said' in a custody dispute... This is a violent and abusive individual and you have a moral duty to pass on any evidence you have to the police and testify truthfully if asked by the CPS.
Protect the children.
There is no dilemma. If you do not support her husband, those children will carry on being beaten. You have to do the right thing here, which is to protect them. You have evidence which, if withheld, could land you in the courts for perjury or perverting the course of justice, not sure which.
Please go to the police with the truth.
So sorry that you are having to deal with this.
Remember lying under oath is an offence too - she is asking you to commit an offence too. Remind her lawyer that if she asks for your assistance again.
She really is selfish isn't she. Beating both her husband and children in front of you and then asking you to lie for her. She deserves everything she gets - please give that evidence to the CPS to support their case against her.
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