I am being unreasonable to support my friends husband over her?

(45 Posts)
worridmum Sat 30-Nov-13 17:53:11

I have a serous moral dileima and I dont know if this is the right place for it but here goes.

At the moment my former "best" friend is currently being taken to court for GBH and domestic violence crimes against her husband and children. Her lawyer has requested I come as a charater witness in support of my friend but I myself have witnessed her attacking her husband and in good faith I wont lie for her as I have known for awhile that she beat her husband and was gradually distancing myself from her I didnt shop her to the police at this point because the husband asked me not to as in his words "it wasnt so bad".

But thankfully he stepped up to the plate and finally reportered her to the police after she started beating the children. She in confidence told me she did beat them but only because they were pushing her boundries etc and the normal script an abuser sprouts, she is now saying that her husband is the abuser and its the husband that caused the injuries to the children.

I am unreasonable to make the descion of not only not supporting her but to go the step futher and provide the prosicution with evidence that completely contradics her entire deffence (I have the skype conversation saved and video evidence of her hitting her husband with a frying pan) (the video was being taken at a joint birthday party for our children) this was the incedent why I was distancing myself from her.

I have only asked a couple of friends as alot of my friends are joint friends so would orquid and the friends who I asked basically say stay out of it etc but I need more opinions as I dont know what to do. I am leaning towards the option of supplying the evidence to the prosicution but I would like some outside views before I do so.

I am sorry for the bad english as I am dyslectic and english isnt my first langauge.

harriet247 Sat 30-Nov-13 17:56:02

I would probably hand in your video to the police and everything and wait to see if you are asked for assistance. Yanbu

FlipFlippingFlippers Sat 30-Nov-13 17:56:04

Supply the evidence and protect the children. This isn't a dilemma at all imo. You know what you should do. Is she someone you want to protect and lie for? Do you really want to help an abuser stay with her children?

YouTheCat Sat 30-Nov-13 17:56:56

Go with the truth - which will mean supporting the husband. The truth is very important in deciding whether she will get unsupervised access or not and I really think she should only have supervised access because of the abuse.

WhoNickedMyName Sat 30-Nov-13 17:57:05

She is trying to say it is him who has caused injury to the children? When it was her?

I would absolutely support the husband in this case.

thebody Sat 30-Nov-13 17:57:28

but thankfully he stepped up to the plate

wow op. you should bloody well have stepped up to the plate to help him and the kids as soon as you witnessed the violence.

tell her lawyer to fuck off and go to the police with any evidence you have against this vile bitch.

MrsReacher85 Sat 30-Nov-13 17:57:38

I think you know you're not being unreasonable, and should do everything you can to protect the children. If that means helping the prosecution then so be it.

Ask yourself, if it was a man beating his wife and children, would you even be hesitating?

Snog Sat 30-Nov-13 17:59:23

Is she still your best friend or your ex friend?

MilkyBarButtons Sat 30-Nov-13 18:00:17

Hand over the video and give evidence for the prosecution. You owe no loyalty to an abuser whatever their gender and the children must be protected.

ButEmilylovedhim Sat 30-Nov-13 18:00:24

I would give the evidence to the prosecution. What if she is believed without it and keeps the children and her husband loses residency? Those poor children and poor husband. It would be the only thing I could do. She's not the person you thought she was and therefore you owe her no loyalty.

You absolutely must tell the truth. You should not attempt to protect a violent person from the consequences of their violence.

If you lie for her, and she is given custody of her children because you say she's not violent, and she beats them again, how will you feel?

Madmammy83 Sat 30-Nov-13 18:02:28

Hand in the evidence.

3bunnies Sat 30-Nov-13 18:02:57

I would definitely tell the lawyer that you can't act as a character witness. I personally would also offer the evidence to the police/husband's lawyer.

tinyturtletim Sat 30-Nov-13 18:03:15

I think you owe them children the security of knowing their father is the good guy here

There is no dilemma you tell the truth and stop an innocent man going through hell.

kali110 Sat 30-Nov-13 18:03:33

I know it must be hard for you as shes your friend but you need to do the right thing and show what evidence you have. That poor mans been through enough, and those kids.

Finola1step Sat 30-Nov-13 18:04:37

If it is true that you have evidence which is pertinent to a criminal case then you really need to pass that evidence over to the police or prosecutor. If you do not and you get found out, you could potentially be charged with perverting the cause of justice (if you are in the UK) because you know what the evidence is, what it means and you have deliberately withheld it.

So, is this woman worth risking a criminal conviction for? If you are in possession of evidence which proves that she has assaulted her husband and her children then you have no choice but to hand over what you have. You have a moral responsibility as an adult to hand it over to protect those children. No question.

That is assuming that this thread is real ...

It must be a very difficult position to be in but hand your evidence to the police and let the courts decide.

My only concern is that there is some truth in the claim that her DH is beating the children. It wouldn't be unheard of for both parents to be abusers. If she gets sent down and the husband gets custody do you think the children are safe? Having said that, except for the word of a known abuser, you have no proof for that and they may well be much better off with just their father.

Even with the concern, I still say let the courts and the police sort this out. You are not at all unreasonable to provide evidence for the prosecution. She doesn't deserve your support.

Abrahamlincolnsghost Sat 30-Nov-13 18:04:42

OP you are aware of your friend physically abusing her children. Not only does she need help but her children need to be protected from her.

It is my opinion that if you don't give your evidence the children will be at risk in future contact with her. Not only that but they may be denied access to their father.

Sometimes you can walk away and not get involved, sometimes you need to step up and do the right thing.

worridmum Sat 30-Nov-13 18:06:21

She is not what I consider a friend anymore after the party incerdent but I was resloved to hand in the evidence but my friends were saying that I shouldnt do that as she was a friend etc from some sort of friendship loyality but thanks guys I really needed an outside prepective so first thing tomorrow or monday morning I will hand the evidence in and I feel so bad not reporting her to the police before as he basically pleaded me not to and he assured me she wasnt abusing the children I know now I should of ignored his pleading and reported her anyway thanks for your perspeitive

SuperStrength Sat 30-Nov-13 18:06:39

Please give evidence for the prosecution You have no idea idea how far she can go. Without your help she may end up killing the kids & you will have their blood on your hands bedcause you knew the truth & did nothing...how can you even entertain that?
The kids will know what's going on & may know that you can help them whilst they are young & vunerable. They will NOT forgive you if you fail to do the right thing.

PigsInParis Sat 30-Nov-13 18:07:59

Remember lying under oath is an offence too - she is asking you to commit an offence too. Remind her lawyer that if she asks for your assistance again.

She really is selfish isn't she. Beating both her husband and children in front of you and then asking you to lie for her. She deserves everything she gets - please give that evidence to the CPS to support their case against her.

PuntCuffin Sat 30-Nov-13 18:08:11

There is no dilemma. If you do not support her husband, those children will carry on being beaten. You have to do the right thing here, which is to protect them. You have evidence which, if withheld, could land you in the courts for perjury or perverting the course of justice, not sure which.

Please go to the police with the truth.

So sorry that you are having to deal with this.

Protect the children.

LadyMedea Sat 30-Nov-13 18:09:33

This isn't a 'he said, she said' in a custody dispute... This is a violent and abusive individual and you have a moral duty to pass on any evidence you have to the police and testify truthfully if asked by the CPS.

Alisvolatpropiis Sat 30-Nov-13 18:10:41

Try not to think of it as supporting him over your friend.

Think of it as supporting the victim not the abuser.

When put like that it doesn't seem like a dilemma at all. Please do support him. It is difficult for victims of domestic violence to come forward and they need all the help they can get, whether they're a woman or a man.

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