To take it personally that this mum excluded dd from party as RSVP too late

(167 Posts)
Fakeblondie Sat 30-Nov-13 09:24:37

Ok I responded very late , the day before to a party invite to a play zone for dd aged 3 from a lo at her play school.
I'd lost the invite and asked my friend ( the teacher ) if she'd mind telling the mum dd could come to her ds party when she arrived to pick up her son that afternoon as I wouldn't see her and had no contact no
I then received a text from the mum saying at this short notice she could not add my dd to the party as numbers and food orders had already been done.
Now I have 4 dc and yes it's extremely irritating when people don't respond until the day before a party. Sometimes I've even had children turn up I wasn't expecting .
while I put my hands up to the lateness it was the day before and a simple phone call would have been all that was needed it was 4pm and I know if it was me I would have just called the play barn and added one more child .
Sometimes I have felt like sending such a text but I never would really .. it's my dd I felt sorry for. We had been shopping and chosen a present card and a nice bag together and she was really excited as it was her first proper invited party . I then had to tell her we couldn't go and I felt like the worst mum.
I've been working too many hours and won't let that happen again because I've missed appointments forgotten to send things into school and now this . If I wasn't working such silly hours with no help and 4 dc I wouldn't have lost the invite and would have got around to replying earlier .Do you honestly think I'm being unteasonable to think this mum was unreasonable for not adding dd . Or am I being un reasonable and should expect this if one doesn't RSVP earlier ? I have taken it personally and maybe others would do same and not add child . I know how irritating late replies can be but I honestly would never do that x

Grennie Sat 30-Nov-13 14:14:23

If children turned up at a pay per head party, where their parents hadn't replied, I would be very tempted to refuse to pay extra so they could go.

HowManyDaysUntilChristmas Sat 30-Nov-13 14:14:30

Good grief, if too many of my DC's friends' parents were like the OP and some of the response posters I'd not invite them and find a different way of celebrating their birthdays.

DazzleU Sat 30-Nov-13 14:17:54

I've tried chasing in the past - some parents can be very off/offensive about it - and I am always polite so asked nicely and only once.

So I don't bother chasing.

I've also found when the chased one do say yes - it often doesn't translate into actual attendance.

Though when people do get in touch to say oopse can we come - I try and be accommodating as possible but if you've hit venue numbers your stuck really or if your aren't in practice of having spare bags, something you quickly learn as numbers never right, extra running round last minute to accommodate last minute guest I could see being unappealing.

CaroBeaner Sat 30-Nov-13 14:18:00

How on earth can you know whether the party host is being a dick? You do not know anything about the arrangements between her and the venue, how much time she has (or not) to be calling the venue, how much money she now has to pay for extra kids if she filled the unreplied-to invitation, how she might have felt when instructed by a third party the afternoon before that a child would come....

I am astounded, really, that people are so rude and expect to carry on as they like and blame the other person, when it was their mistake in the first place. An understandable mistake, of course, but how ever it occurred the mistake was the OP's.

Sirzy Sat 30-Nov-13 14:23:04

I asked before and nobody answered -

those who think the party hosting parents were in the wrong. If you were invited to a wedding would you not bother to RSVP and then just turn up and expect to be catered for? Or let the bride know the night before and expect to be catered for?

DazzleU Sat 30-Nov-13 14:24:22

Round here it's not just DC turning up who have not rsvp, it's one who have who don't and then siblings sometime per-warned often not also coming along and then parents expecting those to be involved or paid to attend.

Makes whole thing very unnecessarily stressful to host a party.

Takes a few parties under your belt to understand this and work round such unpredictable numbers and it was a bit of a shock how rude other parents can be.

DazzleU Sat 30-Nov-13 14:27:00

My point being other parent DC is 3 - may be mother first party and last minute rsvping may not be something she has encountered before so may well be less accommodating - even if she could actually be though no guarantee of that.

waikikamookau Sat 30-Nov-13 14:29:00

you cannot compare a 3 year olds birthday party to a wedding. that is ott.

however i have a lot of experience of birthday parties <<see my grey hair!>>
and i cannot believe someone would just invite someone else in place of someone who had not RSVP'd. what happen if the op had just turned up! with her DD.

unless of course OP the host forgot they invited your dd and thought you were just trying to swing an invite?

i hope you gave your DD a lovely day and she will forget about the disaster tht was the failed party op.

HowManyDaysUntilChristmas Sat 30-Nov-13 14:32:51

Etiquette and manners have really changed. I must be old fashioned to expect it! But I suppose I shouldn't be surprised see the number of parents who expect everyone to change things to accommodate their child at the expense of others.

Sirzy Sat 30-Nov-13 14:32:59

You can in sense of the fact its rude to not tell someone you re going and then expect to just be catered for.

The op has accepted she was being unreasonable. It seems others are still looking to blame the person who was simply wanting to know who was going to attend the event she had arranged - what the event is doesnt matter its the fact she needed numbers to be able to arrange it and couldn't just assume attendance which is key

SirChenjin Sat 30-Nov-13 14:33:24

I hope that you explained the importance of RSVPing OP, and how, if you don't RSVP, people will quite rightly think that you are not coming. It's a valuable life lesson, and one that the parent should take full responsibility for until the child is old enough to accept invitations for themselves.

<<see my grey hair too>>

CaroBeaner Sat 30-Nov-13 14:54:34

Waikiki - we did a really expensive paintballing party. Asked for definite RSVPs by a certain date. Had one go at 'chasing'. Those who hadn't RSVP'd, we offered the place to other kids because the package price was for a certain number and places too expensive to waste. We had an exact number of places in the package, and an exact number of seats on the minibus. What if one of the non-repliers had turned up on the day, or informed us the night before that they intended to come?

Some parties it's simple to be flexible, others not. Party Bookings at Play Venues often not.

pigletmania Sat 30-Nov-13 15:51:47

Exactly caro, a home party fine, but one where you need exact numbers no. The op was rude not RSVP until the Day before and not offering to pay herself for her dd.

Madmammy83 Sat 30-Nov-13 16:23:30

I didn't read the full thread but I'm afraid you are being unreasonable to expect people to accommodate you at such short notice. You had the same opportunity to reply as everyone else did and maybe this is a terrible lesson in priorities.

DingbatsFur Sun 01-Dec-13 14:43:03

I am never going to chase RSVPs again.
Kid whose parents I chased for a response during the week proves to be a ball of a bit too much excitement.
New rule: parents who do not RSVP probably don't have kids who can behave at a small child's party.
Mean but true.

halfwildlingwoman Sun 01-Dec-13 16:15:08

I would never exclude a 3 year old or anyone actually from a party because the RSVP came late. The only time I might is a wedding, but even then I wouldn't throw that sort of a wedding. But I'm also too cool to chase RSVPs.

YABU. You bought the present before you said you were coming? A few kids invited to DD1's most recent party didn't bother to RSVP at all. Did I pay for them in case? Nope. One boy turned up after I had paid the balance (which was an hour into the party -the mum didn't even apologise which I was a bit annoyed at). Did I add him quickly? Absolutely: not his fault his mum got him there late.

Next year I am taking DD1, her sister and no more than four friends to the cinema. I am done with parties!

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