To take it personally that this mum excluded dd from party as RSVP too late

(167 Posts)
Fakeblondie Sat 30-Nov-13 09:24:37

Ok I responded very late , the day before to a party invite to a play zone for dd aged 3 from a lo at her play school.
I'd lost the invite and asked my friend ( the teacher ) if she'd mind telling the mum dd could come to her ds party when she arrived to pick up her son that afternoon as I wouldn't see her and had no contact no
I then received a text from the mum saying at this short notice she could not add my dd to the party as numbers and food orders had already been done.
Now I have 4 dc and yes it's extremely irritating when people don't respond until the day before a party. Sometimes I've even had children turn up I wasn't expecting .
while I put my hands up to the lateness it was the day before and a simple phone call would have been all that was needed it was 4pm and I know if it was me I would have just called the play barn and added one more child .
Sometimes I have felt like sending such a text but I never would really .. it's my dd I felt sorry for. We had been shopping and chosen a present card and a nice bag together and she was really excited as it was her first proper invited party . I then had to tell her we couldn't go and I felt like the worst mum.
I've been working too many hours and won't let that happen again because I've missed appointments forgotten to send things into school and now this . If I wasn't working such silly hours with no help and 4 dc I wouldn't have lost the invite and would have got around to replying earlier .Do you honestly think I'm being unteasonable to think this mum was unreasonable for not adding dd . Or am I being un reasonable and should expect this if one doesn't RSVP earlier ? I have taken it personally and maybe others would do same and not add child . I know how irritating late replies can be but I honestly would never do that x

Wingdingdong Sat 30-Nov-13 09:35:05

YABU. The play barns near us ask for 48hrs notice of final numbers, so you can't "just call the play barn and add one more". If you had time to go shopping, you had time to text a reply.

Iknowitseemsabragbutitsnot Sat 30-Nov-13 09:35:20

When I've done soft play parties, the venue expected you to be specific about numbers so you couldn't have just added on.

I am afraid you are. People ask for a reply for a reason. She's sorted everything out now. I actually think everyone should do that and then perhaps you wouldn't get so many people thinking they don't need to reply and can just show up. Which, mind you, isn't as bad as those who say ok and then don't show up.

I understand that it feels unfair because it's your daughter who is losing out and you feel like you have a set of exceptional circumstances but you really don't. People often have wildly busy lives and we have to keep on top of it.

It's just one of those things. You were busy, you forgot until the last minute, you're not the devil incarnate grin but neither is she.

I think you should explain to your daughter that it was your fault. You don't want her to feel cross with the other girl or anything, do you? Say sorry daughter, I'm afraid I forgot to confirm in time, let's go do X (lovely thing) to make up for it.

justanuthermanicmumsday Sat 30-Nov-13 09:35:54

I think you are being unreasonable since it was so late. Yes the mum perhaps could have called up the activity centre I would but not everyone thinks like that. Maybe she was too busy like you? There could be many reasons let's think the best of the mum she's not given you reason to think otherwise.

You feel guilt hence you are projecting your feelings and making it appear like the other mum did wrong to you. In fact she didn't and there's no reason for you to feel guilty either!

There will be other parties I'm sure you are more upset than your daughter. Let you daughter learn a lesson from this giving presents for the sake of giving, she doesn't need to attend the party she hasn't missed out on anything.

tugamommy Sat 30-Nov-13 09:35:56

In this country, I should have added

LIZS Sat 30-Nov-13 09:37:55

If she could text you presumably your friend could give you her number or you could have left a note? yabu to leave it late and then not speak in person . Some play parties are per head but some are per head up to a specific number and then you have to pay more for another member of staff or larger party area assuming they are available. Your dd coming may have put her over the limit. Just because others have been inconsiderate to you doesn't give you the right to do so to others.

ThanSheSaid Sat 30-Nov-13 09:37:56

Really?

YA obviously B very U.

NorthernShores Sat 30-Nov-13 09:38:32

Depends on size of party. If you only invite 15 and 12 reply I'd buy bits and pieces for twelve.

Admittedly when we needed to give a party venue numbers we did call around the two who hadn't replied but that was as we knew them anyway. .
Wouldn't be as easy without a contact no.

Leaving it to the day before and expecting to come is unbelievably rude.

lljkk Sat 30-Nov-13 09:38:35

I'm on the fence, sounds like it would have been quite easy to add one more. But if the party-mum feels messed around in past or is on a tight budget then I can understand her perspective.

Live and learn!

RhondaJean Sat 30-Nov-13 09:39:11

YABU every single year with dd2s birthday party certain children don't respond til the day before or just turn up and expect me to accommodate them and I WISH I had the guts to do this as it is the same people every single time.

Over the years ( she's 9 now) I've got a good idea who will and won't come so I just confirm accordingly with venues and I am usually pretty spot on.

DeepThought Sat 30-Nov-13 09:39:17

Yes ofc yabu

The venue will have wanted numbers in advance

Your child is not excluded, ridiculous inflated language

bundaberg Sat 30-Nov-13 09:40:33

yabu

everything is arranged and food sorted. end of story.

bundaberg Sat 30-Nov-13 09:41:33

i also think that she may well have had a limit on numbers either due to the playzone rules, or because of budget.

after not hearing from you she might have filled that place with another child, so to add yours would leave her out of pocket.

i can understand your disappointment, but really this is your fault not hers

Yabu. And presumptious. (And petty) I dont see how you could find the time to chose present and card, but not rsvp?

You say I know how irritating late replies can be but I honestly would never do that

And this is why you were careless with the invite did not bother rsvping, you thought it did not matter, they would let your dd come anyway. They would not want to disappoint a child. Newsflash: You disappointed your child, not the other mum.

bundaberg Sat 30-Nov-13 09:42:54

also you could have asked the teacher to put a written confirmation note in the child's book bag. that would have been a fine way to RSVP... lack of contact number is no excuse

WooWooOwl Sat 30-Nov-13 09:47:41

Of course YABU!

fuckwittery Sat 30-Nov-13 09:48:03

What if the other mum is also working and v busy with DC and does not have time to call the soft play nor to make extra party bag, or has budgeted carefully, and now would have one extra as she has filled your dd's space with another child when you did not reply. Soft plays do ask for confirmation in advance, in my experience it is actually easy to add a child one (as opposed to a child not turning up which you still have to pay for) but the other mum might not know this.

I can understand why you might have a fleeting thought of, oh she only needs to make a phone call but yabvu to let those thoughts linger and bear any resentment.

You were being v unreasonable to tell your daughter she was going and get her hopes up when you knew fine well you'd not rsvp-d til the last minute. How can you have time to shop for present but not rsvp!

WhoNickedMyName Sat 30-Nov-13 09:48:28

YABU, and incredibly rude to pass a message on through the teacher.

A phonecall to the girls mum so you could explain why you had not yet rsvp'd might have gone down better.

it's your fault your DD is upset and missing out.

Fakeblondie Sat 30-Nov-13 09:49:11

Ok thanks everyone.
I really appreciate mumsnet honesty and think if the majority of you say I am the one being unreasonable I must be .

Yes I'll give the present to the mum and I will try and RSVP sooner next time lesson learnt and back to normal part time hours now so can spend some quality time with my lovely dc x

KeepingUpWithTheJonses Sat 30-Nov-13 09:50:06

Yanbu

Most soft play places are very flexible.

They generally churn out sausage and chips for numerous kids - adding one more isn't exactly difficult. They're not preparing a gourmet banquet confused

I think the mum has been mean, taken exception to the fact that you missed her RSVP date and refused to add your dd on. Unless it is a very specialised venue or activity, I have NEVER either arranged or attended a party for numerous adults/children that did not fully expect last minute changes to numbers. It's in the nature of the business.

brettgirl2 Sat 30-Nov-13 09:51:18

yabu that said I would have let her come. There's always someone who is ill or something on the day and if not just pay for one extra.

KeepingUpWithTheJonses Sat 30-Nov-13 09:51:37

OK OP NOW you're bu.

Would I buggery give the gift! If a card is written already, by all means give that...keep the present for the next invite you get.

YABU, but I think you already knew that before you even posted this thread.

You said "We had been shopping and chosen a present card and a nice bag together and she was really excited as it was her first proper invited party ." How far in advance of the party did you do this? Because the party was in your mind then, couldn't you have passed a written reply to your teacher friend then to put in the boy's schoolbag for you? If your DD was excited, wasn't she going on about it, reminding you?

"I have taken it personally"
"I've been working too many hours and won't let that happen again because I've missed appointments forgotten to send things into school and now this"
I'm guessing this particular incident is the straw that broke the camel's back, pointing out to you just how the 'too many hours' is impacting on your life. Rather than take it personally, have a think about how to reconcile your working hours and your non-working life, because it sounds as if it's got very out-of-kilter. You mentioned you have no help with your 4 DC, is this a recent change of circumstances that you're struggling to adjust to?

kungfupannda Sat 30-Nov-13 09:52:32

YABU

The mum will have confirmed numbers and probably arranged party bags. She may have bought things in packs of, say 10, and adding another child at short notice might mean traipsing out to buy another pack of party bag items, as well as trying to persuade the venue to add another child who would have to be paid for.

She's not being excluded. She's just not being added as an extra to an event which you could reasonably have been assumed to have declined on her behalf, by your non-reply.

Ladymuck Sat 30-Nov-13 09:53:38

Certainly it is a shame that you had been shopping for a gift before RSVPing.

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