To want my DD to be star of the week?

(75 Posts)
Mummasmurf Thu 28-Nov-13 21:16:51

Not because I think she's so brilliant that she should be chosen but because it's destroying her confidence every week she's not picked. She said she tries really hard and it makes her feel like her best isn't good enough and that she's rubbish.

It's heartbreaking so should I have a word with the teacher or just wait. I'm pretty sure they all get a turn, not necessarily that the person is particularly starfull that week. I was just going to talk in general terms, not "make my DD star of the week".

fromparistoberlin Fri 29-Nov-13 11:40:09

i know!!!! it sucks and its a shit idea to be honest. My DS is the same, patience I guess and tell her they give it to the low performers to incentivise them??? thats a shit idea maybe !!!

I think it only works when managed very tightly

MadeOfStarDust Fri 29-Nov-13 11:54:15

We need, as parents, to prepare our kids for all aspects of life - no it is not "fair" sometimes, my dds often did fantastic work or helped out other kids who needed a friend etc, but often went "unrewarded".. stuff happens... but when my eldest had a bit of a paddy about it in the first year at school we had a chat....

I told her that she is a good child, she behaves well, she does some fantastic work and that with all the love and support she has at home, she is at an advantage... and she always will be..

that some kids don't have that love and support, that some kids struggle - whether with their temper, their work or their life outside school in general - THOSE are the children that NEED star of the week - the ones who maybe do try harder this week to not hit, to turn up on time, just to be good in class sometimes...

that she doesn't need star of the week to KNOW she is good, because she is told often, that her attitude and hard work are valued by us and her teachers. We reward her good efforts with love, with "well done", with trips out and meals out with family - some kids don't have that advantage and need star of the week to show them that someone has noticed and they are cared about.

So to be honest, beyond that day, "star of the week" never mattered one jot to us..

Dancergirl Fri 29-Nov-13 12:01:27

Excellent post madeof

sebsmummy1 Fri 29-Nov-13 12:40:06

Agreed. Lovely post xx

Mim78 Fri 29-Nov-13 13:21:35

I think the problem is that teachers just can't know everything that happens all the time so it becomes v arbitary. Then they don't seem to keep any records so you get this doubling up business,.

I think awards that are v immediate (i.e. on the same day) as whatever they did that was good and not limited in number are probably best, in the infants at least.

My dd never seems to know what she has done well either the time she got star of the week or when she gets stickers for being good (quite a lot - they all seem to get quite a lot!)

ILoveRacnoss Fri 29-Nov-13 13:31:44

My school is very strict on staff keeping a record of who gets which awards and when, both on paper and on the electronic systems.

We have a merit mark system for work & effort, for which they earn certificates as the points tally up. OP's DD would be doing well on this.

We have a separate 'star of the week' equivalent for which everyone WILL get a turn during the year... but some will need to wait as there is only one each week. I try to mix up the "genuinely did something amazing" with the "been trying really hard --haven't thumped anyone for 2 minutes--" types.

Idocrazythings Fri 29-Nov-13 13:40:42

I agree with mellow. I don't care if I'm seen as "that mum" because I am my DC mum, I am their advocate. No one else is, nor will they be, as they will always have another agenda (well apart from their DF, but he's not as opinionated as me!). If I have to embarrass myself to stand up for my child then I will, and I don't care who to, or what they think of me. Well secretly I do, but I don't let it bother me.

That said I'm not constantly hassling the teacher or anything like that, just that if I feel it appropriate to say something, whether it's asking for a second opinion about something medical or telling the teacher my child hadn't been sotw for most of the year then I would. I think once in 4 years of schooling have I said my child is desperate to be SOTW, and is starting to come home very upset that she is not picked, but that was after weeks and much thought, not a whim 4 weeks into term. And I did once ask a consultant emergency paediatrician to look me in the eyes and tell me if it was her child would she be sending her home with a similar suspicious looking rash. Who knows what she thought of me! I don't care, I just knew that I had no regrets that night.

RobinSparkles Fri 29-Nov-13 14:09:02

They all get star of the week at some point but I think that teachers should do something similar to what DD1's teacher does.

Every week he does Star Of The Week but he also puts a little certificate in the bags of all of the children who have been well behaved/done good work etc. I like it because it shows the children that he has noticed that they have done well that week even though they didn't get Star. DD is always really pleased when she gets one.

fromparistoberlin Fri 29-Nov-13 15:54:33

my DS just got one!!!!!

however IMVHO it was coldly worded grin

thanks fuck, thats one thing off the worry list

Mummasmurf Fri 29-Nov-13 20:10:21

An update.

DH took DD in and had a quiet word with the teacher. He asked if she was doing OK and that she thinks she's rubbish because she hasn't been chosen for SOTW. The teacher said it's the worst part of her job having to pick one child but she's not doing anything wrong.

MadeOfStarDust Fri 29-Nov-13 20:23:17

and in the next week or 2 she will be given SOTW and you will feel a bit peeved because you will know it is only because he said something...

Maryz Fri 29-Nov-13 20:29:43

Tell her to behave really, really badly for a fortnight, and then behave well for three days. She will get it then.

According to my ds who successfully gained one on demand while following this system [bitter]

dd who was, quite frankly, my best behaved child by far, only got one after I complained.

anothermadamebutterfly Fri 29-Nov-13 21:25:16

My ADHD daughter has featured disproportionately regularly on star of the week over her six years at her current school. My hard-working, kind, gentle, long-suffering son has received it twice. I don't know how the system should work to keep everybody happy because no, it is often not fair, I have seen how my son sometimes has seemed sad that his chaotic sister gets it when he doesn't, and I have no doubts that there are many children out there like him. On the other hand, there is no doubt that she needs it more than him. I have often wished that it didn't exist.

AngiBolen Fri 29-Nov-13 22:01:49

I had a badly behaved DS1 (undiagnosed aspergers). He got star of the week for actually taking his sats in y6. He came out of school proudly holding the certificate out at arms length in front of him for all to see.

Everychild should get star of the week once in the year. The child who doesn't get it until May is the child the teacher doesn't like (looking at you, DS1)

ILoveRacnoss Sat 30-Nov-13 11:51:48

The child who doesn't get it until May is the child the teacher doesn't like

That is TOTALLY untrue and a dreadful accusation for any teacher! I am appalled that anyone would genuinely think that. I very much hope that you were joking.

AngiBolen Sat 30-Nov-13 15:28:01

ILoveRacnoss, You wouldn't have liked my DS much if you had to try to teach him.If a child is generally "off task, willfull and challenging" they are not going to be much liked by the teacher, or get star of the week IME.

If a child is kind, thoughtful and helpful, and always tries their best, they are much more likeable and more likely to get star of the week before Chrismas.

My comment was based on my experience of my own children and their teachers, I can't speak for millions of others up and down the country. grin

thebody Sat 30-Nov-13 17:37:43

at our school we keep a list so each child wins it. and let me add for some kids it's bloody hard to do that as some can't be good for one hour let alone a week.

we also do the 'always tries award' for the average kids who always generally try hard and behave so are often praised less than the pita kids.

I really like this award and always remember to praise these kids.

I honestly think that for some kids lack of confidence or the opposite has bugger all to do with praise and support.

out of my kids 2 are pretty confident and 1 ok while the other has absolutist none at all. drives me nuts as we praise them all equally.

hope she gets it soon op.

sandfrog Sat 30-Nov-13 17:46:43

The teacher should keep a list and make sure they all get a turn.

Piddlepuddle Sat 30-Nov-13 17:57:56

I have a very good (but quiet) DS who was in a similar position. I waited until June, when they were clearly onto round 2. We did the whole "some children need it more than you do" etc, but then it got v late in the year so I did check that they would all get it.

Anyway, a couple of weeks later, it all resolved itself when DS asked the headteacher what he needed to do to get star of the week (this was NOT prompted by me!) as he had never been it and some of his friends had been it twice. The next week it ended up being him. It is worth stressing we did not put him up to it - so it was probably done in quite a genuine and pathetic way!

Luckily we have moved well past all that now he is in year 2 - they still give them out but it is very clear he couldn't care less. And fortunately his younger sister, currently in reception, is not in any way interested either.

StinkyElfCheese Sat 30-Nov-13 18:11:00

dd never got ster of the week in the 3 years she was at primary.... she was gutted teachers always said how kind and helpfull and polite she was Sotw went often to the kids who were genrally naughty but behaved for a day or too

-- twins should be alright thensmile--

ILoveRacnoss Sat 30-Nov-13 18:12:49

AngiBolen I can assure you that my 'star of the week' is not chosen on whether I 'like' them or not.
Last week it was the one who tried their best in PE even though they find it very hard.
Next week it's one who wrote something in Literacy that was a huge leap forward for them. That child can be very challenging indeed much of the time.
The one for the following week has already been chosen because I have to give their parents plenty of notice so that they can attend the assembly. Reasons vary, but it's never to do with being 'liked'.

zipzap Sat 30-Nov-13 18:17:11

Ds2 was in reception last year and didn't get star of the week despite being a really well behaved little thing most of the time and trying really hard to get over some things he had problems with.

Our surname is near the end of the alphabet and as I knew they worked their way through the class so everyone got it I didn't really think about it as I figured he would be getting it near the end of the year as it worked approximately on that basis. By the time I realised he hadn't had it, it was too late to complain ask about it. But he did get it fairly early on in yr 1 - and he was so thrilled. I felt a bit bad that I hadn't chased up on it in yr R.

It didn't help that ds1 had had the same teacher and had got it in yr R so ds2 noticed that he hadn't got what his big brother had done. Luckily ds2 has had a couple of lunch stars of the week, which his brother never managed, so at least they have both managed something different!

MadeOfStarDust Sun 01-Dec-13 08:14:46

I find it most peculiar that some parents are putting so much value on to something which, in their school's case, is given to each child in turn..

Dayshiftdoris Sun 01-Dec-13 08:28:07

They don't all get a turn hmm

My son has one achievement certificate in 3yrs - Well Done for leaving our school confused

Yes he has challenging behaviour and ASD and yes his achievements are not the same as others but he does have achievements which, if not compared to his peer group, are massive...

Last week he showed empathy - he should have got a bloody medal never mind Star of The Week in addition to being moved up a group in swimming for breast stroke...

The message in his book wasn't even acknowledged hmm

And they wonder why I feel he should be in Special School hmmhmmhmmhmm

Morgause Sun 01-Dec-13 08:42:57

When I was teaching I used to dislike SOTW but it was school policy so I did it. I kept a list and made sure each child got it once before another got it twice, as far as I could, but sometimes a child would "blow it" at the last minute and wouldn't get it for a few more weeks.

I tried to make sure that the other children appreciated why the star was chosen and it always had to be for something that happened in school. I know some schools reward outside activities but that wasn't our way.

There could only be one a week but from Christmas onwards parents would "have a word" because their child had yet to receive it. I always reassured then that their child's day would come but felt pressure from some of them to make it soon, which made a fair decision difficult sometimes.

One parent even went to the HT about it who told her she wasn't going to intervene as she knew I was always fair to all the children. There are far more important things going on and I wish schools would drop it altogether or have a star of the day instead.

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