To think DH is starting to take the piss now?

(165 Posts)
BionicEmu Thu 28-Nov-13 12:46:31

DH is now in 2 bands. This means he's off at band prac 2-4 times a week. One of the bands he comes home from work, wolfs down dinner, then goes straight back out. He eventually gets home about midnight.

The other band he goes to practice straight from work, and usually gets home about 9:30pm.

Last night he was at practice with band 2 - he went straight from work, told me he'd be back about 9:30pm. Well, at 10pm he still wasn't back. I call his mobile, no answer. At 10:30pm I tried again, but no answer. Sent him text, no reply. Was starting to get worried as was expecting him home an hour previously, & his journey home involves dark, twisty lanes.

I finally got through to him at 11:30pm - 2 hours after I was expecting him home; 2.5 hours after he should have finished practice. He said "yeah, sorry, we decided to do some recording while we were here, we're just packing up now."

Well why the hell didn't he just ring me to tell me that, or even just drop me a quick text?! We had a bit of an argument & apparently it was just one of those things that I know can happen, & I need to chill out & be more supportive. I said that I thought i was being supportive, but he takes the piss! I did back-track & ended up saying" fine, ok, just let me know in future." I hate confrontation & DH sulks for days.

I think I am bloody supportive though! He works full-time in a demanding job, I get that one of the things that keeps him sane is playing with the band. We have 2 DCs, 3yo DS & 10mo DD. Both are a nightmare at bed-time, when I'm by myself with them I'm lucky if they're both asleep by 9pm. DS has some medical issues too (although is ok most of the time). Despite this, I am happy for him to go play with his bands as I know it makes him happy.

My psychiatrist has even spoken to him before, saying that having both kids by myself for so long is something I really struggle with - sometimes the evenings are that awful me & the kids end up all sat on the sofa, all crying. At that time he was only in one band, & cut back to just 1 practice a week. That lasted for 3 weeks, then he joined another bloody band as well as increasing practices. (I have been struggling badly with post-natal depression - I was admitted into the mother & baby unit for 6 weeks when DD was a few months old, & I'm still struggling now. In fact, I'm really, really struggling. Having confusing thoughts.)

So AIBU to think he should have just bloody told me he'd be back late last night?

I know it's a tiny thing, but it's annoyed me lots. I don't know if I overreacted a bit to just a little thing?

JeanSeberg Thu 28-Nov-13 13:14:51

I think you might find the depression would mysteriously lift if you got rid of this useless waste of space.

Whoknowswhocares Thu 28-Nov-13 13:14:59

He is selfish. I accidentally said that to him once & he stormed off and didn't speak to me for 2 days.

So if you challenge him, he bullies you into submission with passive aggressive shit then. He sounds like a bloody charmer OP.
To me, it would be ultimatum time. No way could I live with someone who put his fun and hobbies above my mental health sad

PuppyMonkey Thu 28-Nov-13 13:15:14

Well unless these bands he's playing in are One direction and Coldplay I'd say they're way down his list of priorities at the moment.

Actually, strike that, even if these bands are... Etc etc.

Big kid.

Hope you feel better soon op.

Dh plays in a church band and practices a couple of times a week. He can be an arse at times, but generally speaking, is very good with putting the kids to bed, for example. I would NOT put up with a hobby taking over to the point of stupidity as sounds the case with you Dh. Manchild is right. Fella needs a bit of a wake up call.

ElizabethBathory Thu 28-Nov-13 13:20:01

I'm sorry, but from everything you've said it sounds like you're married to a selfish, lazy waste of space who is not contributing family life, or even acting as if he has a family at all.

The not bothering to even text that he's going to be late would make me incredibly angry and upset in itself.

BionicEmu Thu 28-Nov-13 13:21:20

Sorry, forgot to mention, I have physical issues too - I have kyphosis, scoliosis & degenerative disc disease. Last MRI showed 3 herniated discs too. I'm just about managing with medicines & injections, although when I get a flare-up I'm pretty much stuck to just sitting in a chair - can't turn a door-handle, never mind pick up DD!

He pissed me off with that last week. I fell down the stairs and wrenched my back. My in-laws took the kids the next day. DH had a meeting in another city, I knew what train back he was booked on, he should've been back by 6pm. In-laws brought kids back at 6:15pm, DH wasn't home yet but I thought he'd be home any minute, so told in-laws thank you very much & they might as well go home as DH would be home any minute now.

DH didn't turn up until 8:30pm. Apparently he decided he may as well go for a beer with a friend who lives in that city.

That evening was hell. Trying to get both kids to bed when I can't lift them & could barely move without pain was just a nightmare tbh.

YouTheCat Thu 28-Nov-13 13:21:25

He's an abusive arsehole.

So what does he do to support you when he can be arsed to actually be there?
You have 3 kids here.
You don't have a responsibility to one of them at all so get rid.
He sounds awful. Seriously. Why are you putting up with this treatment?
And when you go back to work you will cope with everything because he will help you.
Do a rota now and go through it with him so he is well prepared come January, to do his fair share.
And do NOT describe it to him as 'helping' you out!
He has to do his fair share. It's what a relationship is. Sharing!
He seems to just take, take, take!
Seriously think about where you want to be in 2 or 5 or 10 years time?
Still putting up with this shit!?? I think not!

tinyturtletim Thu 28-Nov-13 13:22:16

Hang on... you're getting 3 days a week child free time.

This is plenty of time to get tidied up and then have a good chunk of time to yourself.

I do think your dh needs to be home earlier to help you with bedtime, but I think begrudging him free time of his own is quite unfair.

When you return to work then you will both have to reevaluate. Dh & I have a deal that when on maternity leave I am responsible for household and all children duties during the week. At the weekend he is equal to me, however I am no longer on maternity leave.

Most people don't even get a weekend off let alone 3 full days!

LittleBairn Thu 28-Nov-13 13:22:29

YANBU I tell him its time to grow the fuck up he isn't a rock star.

Fuck the measured response then, what a dick. You deserve better than this.

tinyturtletim Thu 28-Nov-13 13:24:05

I didn't read your post about your illnesses before I made my post above.

He definitely needs to be home to help you. I don't think he is abusive just selfish

I used to be in bands... I even kept one up in the first year of DDs life, but I think I attended a rehearsal fortnightly. Then I just couldn't keep it up anymore.

This week I could have gone out in the evening (not a rehearsal, but a hobby) but I decided not to because I could see how tired my DH was and I didn't want to give him the added pressure of putting both kids to bed on his own.

Usually the boot is on the other foot in this household - usually I go out more than DH. So occasionally I transgress in the "back later than expected and didn't warn you" department. The difference is, that when this happens I realise that I am in the wrong, and try to amend my behaviour in the future. The absolute opposite to your DH's reaction.

Infact the script would be the other way round: My DH (at home) - would tell me I need to be more supportive; would sulk. I can't imagine me (out and taking piss) telling DH he needed to be more supportive, or sulking.

Perhaps this is a fundamental difference in the way men and women communicate and feel they can ask for.

So yes: with young kids, and you struggling, he cannot be in two bands with this intensity of rehearsal schedule. And even one, he needs to realise, is a big impact on family life. He needs to hear you and take action. This is the bit its really hard to advise you on - because my character is such that I would hear my DH and take action.

All time of both spouses becomes very interlinked when you have children. I can't give my time to a voluntary activity without it impacting on DH - so he has to be fully signed up to me (us) doing that. We can't even both work without it being a partnership - an ongoing juggle of who picks up kids, looks after kids, and when we are available for work trips.

tinyturtletim Thu 28-Nov-13 13:24:31

I didn't read your post about your illnesses before I made my post above.

He definitely needs to be home to help you. I don't think he is abusive just selfishb

AngelaDaviesHair Thu 28-Nov-13 13:24:42

OK, after those updates I'd say he is intent on avoiding family life, certainly all chores and parenting. That's deeply unfair at the best of times, but especially with the medical issues you have.

If he is not going to address these issues, you've got a real problem on your hands. Not sure what to advise really, but I do feel for you.

Preciousbane Thu 28-Nov-13 13:25:41

He is selfish and the fact that you were poorly enough to be an in patient shows just how monumentally selfish he is.

He just wants the single life still but have you do all the drudge of running a home.

He will be contributing directly to the state of your MH and the fact he is not taking on board what your consultant said makes me think that you would actually be better off without him.

ElizabethBathory Thu 28-Nov-13 13:29:04

Lily Perhaps this is a fundamental difference in the way men and women communicate and feel they can ask for. I see what you're saying but I think you should replace 'men and women' with 'selfish, thoughtless people and unselfish, thoughtful people'.

BionicEmu Thu 28-Nov-13 13:30:09

Sorry, I'm a bit slow today!

I don't really have 3 child-free days though. DS is at nursery 2 days a week, DD has just started 1 day a week (literally, today is her first day!). My in-laws have them for a day about every other week, although they've only recently started having DD as well as DS.

ElizabethBathory Thu 28-Nov-13 13:31:19

That's not meant to sound sarky at all by the way - I just mean, there are plenty of men out there who are capable of thinking about their partners and how their behaviour will affect them. The OP's H does not sound like one of these men.

GobbySadcase Thu 28-Nov-13 13:31:41

Ditch the dead weight.

BionicEmu Thu 28-Nov-13 13:40:44

I just don't know how to make this better. I've given up trying to ask him for help as I just haven't got the energy for the confrontation.

Every now & then my CPN will call him & tell him I'm struggling. Then he gets angry that she's had to call him i.e. that I didn't tell him myself. Then he wants to know what I want him to do. Depending on how I'm feeling I either say help with housework (in which case he either says ok, he'll help - but then his help tails off after a week or so. Or he'll say he hasn't really got time, or once he said that since I'm home all day with the kids while he's at work I should really be doing it then. Not easy with these kids!) or I'll just say that I don't know what he can do to help. Then he goes off in a sulk again. But I honestly just don't know what he can do to help.

You are at home on maternity leave yet you 'cook dinner, do dishes, laundry, cleaning and tidying' after DS has gone to bed at 8:15?
Sorry but I think you need to be a lot kinder to yourself. Simple dinners that you all eat earlier, laundry and cleaning done during the day etc. 8:15 is sitting on sofa with a cup of tea time.

tinyturtletim Thu 28-Nov-13 13:43:51

This probably won't sound the way I would like it to.

Living with someone with severe pnd is no easy task, my dh was driven to breaking point by my crippling depression which also saw me in a unit (without my dd though)

Who looked after your ds whilst you were in hospital? How supportive was your dh when you were poorly?

Illnesses do not just effect the person who is ill, they have a huge impact on everyone in the household. I am not excusing your husbands behaviour however he may of gotten lost in his own emotions and being away fromhome means that he is away from the problems which arise from his families illnesses and stress.

How about you write him a letter? Tell him how much you love him and how you just want you all to be a family and explain how him leaving you so regular is causing your depression to worsen and your physical illnesses to cause you pain. Spell out to him exactly what you want him do for you.

Be reasonable though, he needs time off aswell.

He can presumably help by not putting himself and his hobbies before you and your family needs.

lottiegarbanzo Thu 28-Nov-13 13:45:42

He sounds like a teenager who thinks he's living with his Mum (and frankly taking the piss through lack of contribution to the running of the household even at that age).

In what way is he supportive of you? Why does he think it was ok to have kids then leave them to you to look after? Did he explain beforehand that he didn't really want to be a parent? Why doesn't he care about your health?

It reads as if any support he does offer (money, anything else? It's not obvious) could be provided remotely and, if he didn't live with you, you'd probably have less work to do overall, wouldn't you?

Could you pay a builder to finish the work on the house? Do you feel beholden to your H to get this and other practical jobs done?

Sorry but if the only benefits he offers to the family are practical, he's not really part of the family is he? Practicalities can be addressed in other ways.

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