To think DH is starting to take the piss now?

(165 Posts)
BionicEmu Thu 28-Nov-13 12:46:31

DH is now in 2 bands. This means he's off at band prac 2-4 times a week. One of the bands he comes home from work, wolfs down dinner, then goes straight back out. He eventually gets home about midnight.

The other band he goes to practice straight from work, and usually gets home about 9:30pm.

Last night he was at practice with band 2 - he went straight from work, told me he'd be back about 9:30pm. Well, at 10pm he still wasn't back. I call his mobile, no answer. At 10:30pm I tried again, but no answer. Sent him text, no reply. Was starting to get worried as was expecting him home an hour previously, & his journey home involves dark, twisty lanes.

I finally got through to him at 11:30pm - 2 hours after I was expecting him home; 2.5 hours after he should have finished practice. He said "yeah, sorry, we decided to do some recording while we were here, we're just packing up now."

Well why the hell didn't he just ring me to tell me that, or even just drop me a quick text?! We had a bit of an argument & apparently it was just one of those things that I know can happen, & I need to chill out & be more supportive. I said that I thought i was being supportive, but he takes the piss! I did back-track & ended up saying" fine, ok, just let me know in future." I hate confrontation & DH sulks for days.

I think I am bloody supportive though! He works full-time in a demanding job, I get that one of the things that keeps him sane is playing with the band. We have 2 DCs, 3yo DS & 10mo DD. Both are a nightmare at bed-time, when I'm by myself with them I'm lucky if they're both asleep by 9pm. DS has some medical issues too (although is ok most of the time). Despite this, I am happy for him to go play with his bands as I know it makes him happy.

My psychiatrist has even spoken to him before, saying that having both kids by myself for so long is something I really struggle with - sometimes the evenings are that awful me & the kids end up all sat on the sofa, all crying. At that time he was only in one band, & cut back to just 1 practice a week. That lasted for 3 weeks, then he joined another bloody band as well as increasing practices. (I have been struggling badly with post-natal depression - I was admitted into the mother & baby unit for 6 weeks when DD was a few months old, & I'm still struggling now. In fact, I'm really, really struggling. Having confusing thoughts.)

So AIBU to think he should have just bloody told me he'd be back late last night?

I know it's a tiny thing, but it's annoyed me lots. I don't know if I overreacted a bit to just a little thing?

BionicEmu Thu 28-Nov-13 12:47:24

Oh Lordy, that was a bit longer than I'd intended blush

StUmbrageinSkelt Thu 28-Nov-13 12:50:50

I'd be incandescent with rage. Communication is a perfectly reasonable thing to expect especially when they are taking the piss like this at the expense of the family.

Your dh is a man child. Lots of people have demanding jobs and don't shake off their family because they don't fit with their idea of down-time.

No idea how you might turn this around, no doubt someone else will, but YANBU.

whatsthatcomingoverthehill Thu 28-Nov-13 12:52:38

YANBU. You say he works full time in a demanding job. Well so do you (I'm assuming you're a SAHM). Except he gets to go off and have a break from it. What about you - do you get a break? Does he let you lie in at the weekends as compensation? What would he think if you went out 3 times a week for a hobby leaving him to do the kids alone?

HandragsNGladbags Thu 28-Nov-13 12:53:16

DH is in a band, doing a masters and has a very full on job.

We have 3 DC.

Band practice was the first thing to go. And I have kids who go down easily.

Do they actually gig and therefore is he bringing money in? Or are they arsing around in a studio?

He's a shit. Is this how you want to live?

So sorry op. Hugs. I know how being at home with kids feels and bedtimes. Sympathy and hugs x

JeanSeberg Thu 28-Nov-13 12:53:25

This means he's off at band prac 2-4 times a week

Make sure you get the equivalent child-free time in the evenings/weekends.

Does this happen?

frustratedashell Thu 28-Nov-13 12:53:51

His place is at home. End of

BionicEmu Thu 28-Nov-13 12:57:37

Thanks for your replies - I think I'm struggling to look at this situation objectively.

I'm still on maternity leave at the moment, I'll be going back to work 3 days a week from mid-January.

I sometimes get a lie-in on a Saturday if we're not doing much, I need it because I'm usually up at least once in the night for at least one of the kids! Doesn't end up being much of a lie-in though because by the time I've managed to get him up I'm normally fairly awake anyway.

JinglingRexManningDay Thu 28-Nov-13 12:58:14

Do you get free time too OP? He gets two evening consuming hobbies and what do you get? He's being selfish and self centered.

Please talk to your gp too.

Dillydollydaydream Thu 28-Nov-13 12:58:55

YANBU.
2-4 nights a week every week is excessive. He's definitely out of order not letting you know he was going to be so late too. Your dh is lucky he's married to you!

AngelaDaviesHair Thu 28-Nov-13 12:59:11

He's in the wrong. DH and I had this issue about letting one another know what was happening. We rowed, but we've sorted it. You just have to let your partner know what is going on and where you are, just as I imagine your DH would let his bandmates know if he were running 2 hours late to meet them. It is basic. Just because you're spouses doesn't mean that courtesy becomes optional.

But the real issue is that he is out of the house too much, especially give you are struggling. OK, it 'keeps him sane'. What keeps you sane? Did he consult you before he joined the 2nd band? Big concern if not.

Do you think this is really about avoiding the hard things, like bedtime, bath time and those frankly often rather boring evenings at home when you have small children?

If anything you may be underreacting. In your shoes I would be having a very serious discussion about how your family life is structured at the moment and what needs to change.

BionicEmu Thu 28-Nov-13 13:02:24

I'm lucky in that DS goes to nursery 2 days a week, & DD has just started going 1 day a week. My in-laws often take them both one day a week too. It gives me time to sort housework out & plough on with DIY stuff. God only knows what I'm going to do when I go back to work though.

I don't really get evenings. If DH is here then he'll put DD to bed & I'll put DS to bed. If DS goes to bed ok, then I'm usually back downstairs at about 8:15/8:30pm. Then I may cook dinner (depending on day, some days we eat all together), then do dishes, laundry, cleaning & tidying...Then I pretty much go to bed.

DoJo Thu 28-Nov-13 13:02:49

What are the bands actually practising for? Because my husband is a full time bill-paying musician and he doesn't practise that much with his band unless they are rehearsing up songs for recording. And even then he wouldn't do it at the expense of our family life. This sounds like there is a group of them just jamming together in the evenings, which is neither necessary nor particularly productive if he has other responsibilities which he is failing to meet.

hermioneweasley Thu 28-Nov-13 13:03:11

You should both get equal leisure time.

BTW, work full time in a demanding job and spending time with my family and supporting my wife is a joy to me because I love them.

Whoknowswhocares Thu 28-Nov-13 13:04:10

What do you mean 'starting' to take the piss?
He's been taking it for ages. Free time should be equally distributed between the two of you.
I'd be willing to bet that his behaviour, selfishness and lack of support are a VERY big part of your PND.
He is an arse. A selfish, pathetic, man-child of an arse!

kitsmummy Thu 28-Nov-13 13:04:21

Your DH is a selfish cunt. He doesn't do this to "keep him sane", he does this because he wants to, and knowing that it is to the detriment of your sanity.

YouTheCat Thu 28-Nov-13 13:05:08

He needs to drop one of the bands at the very least and give you some bloody support.

His selfishness is undoubtedly adding to your distress.

I would agree that you need to have a serious discussion about everything going on. He sounds very selfish to me.

He thinks you should be more supportive? When *you are the one in need of support that you simply don't appear to be getting.

He should not be swanning off out when you and your DCs are ending up spending time on the sofa crying. He needs to grow up. A lot.

JeanSeberg Thu 28-Nov-13 13:05:58

Then I may cook dinner (depending on day, some days we eat all together), then do dishes, laundry, cleaning & tidying

What does he do to contribute to the running of the house?

BionicEmu Thu 28-Nov-13 13:08:25

He is selfish. I accidentally said that to him once & he stormed off and didn't speak to me for 2 days.

DD still doesn't have a bedroom because he's still not finished the building work. We're creating a spare bedroom too, which he is calling his man-cave, it will apparently have all his music stuff & games in it. hmm

I was studying a degree with the OU. Started my next module this Feb, but had to defer it for a year due to the PND. Not helped by the fact I never had time to do it.

AmberLeaf Thu 28-Nov-13 13:11:45

He is being incredibly selfish.

BionicEmu Thu 28-Nov-13 13:12:21

He does nothing to do with running the house. We've argued about that before, I'm fed up of never getting 10 mins just to sit in the evening. He said he'd help, so he started doing some bits (dishes, laundry etc) while I was getting DS to bed. Great, it meant I actually got to just sit & relax for a bit. But that gradually stopped. If I ask him to help then sometimes he does, sometimes he says yeah, he'll do it in a bit, stop nagging, & sometimes he will just flat-out say "No."

BionicEmu Thu 28-Nov-13 13:13:47

One band is gigging just a couple of times a month, the other they're still writing material for at the moment. Both are purely hobbies.

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