AIBU to feel pushed out by ExH new wife?

(80 Posts)
tintingirl Sat 23-Nov-13 12:09:12

I am 6 years divorced and have two children. We both live in the same town and no family are close to help out. We split the week more or less 50/50. As I work school hours and term time I have the children extra in holidays and after school etc to help out ExH (who works 50 miles away) and because I like the extra time with them. Since ExH remarried he has been getting his wife to do holiday childcare instead of letting me spend the time with them - it's roughly a day a week (in the 13 weeks of holidays) where I would previously have had them and no longer do. AIBU to be annoyed that I have 'lost' 13 days a year with my children? ExH thinks new wife is 'entitled to' some contact time on her own with our children.

Flisspaps Sat 23-Nov-13 12:22:49

How old are your children and what do they think?

SilverApples Sat 23-Nov-13 12:27:10

It sounds reasonable to me, unless there is other, relevant information that you haven't given us. A day a week will give your children the chance to come to terms with the expansion in their family circumstances, and to come to know their stepmother better. How do they feel about it?
Many parents would be glad of the extra free time, even if it's only 13/365 days.

FlipFlippingFlippers Sat 23-Nov-13 12:33:37

I'm split on this as I'm a stepmother and me and my dsd are so close, I take care of her probably more than her mum or dh do (they both work full time) it works well for us all and she has ended up with 4 parents who all love her dearly. However as a mum personally I'd want to spend every moment I could with my dc's. What do your children want? Could you not alternate the extra days in the school hols?

reelingintheyears Sat 23-Nov-13 12:46:10

Nah, i'd want my kids with me if their Dad couldn't have them is his time and I could.
The step Mum isn't entitled to her own time with your and your exs DC, if you can provide the child care and want to then you should do it.

clam Sat 23-Nov-13 12:47:33

Well, the "she's entitled" bit would really piss me off, that's for sure. I would be thinking that she's not "entitled" to anything much where my children were concerned.

However, IF it were to benefit my DCs and they preferred the arrangement to continue, that might make a difference.

reelingintheyears Sat 23-Nov-13 12:50:01

Entitled is such a loaded word and guaranteed to get my back up.
I'm sure most kids would rather be with their Mum unless there was a reason why not.

WorraLiberty Sat 23-Nov-13 12:50:22

Two very important bits of info missing from the OP

The kid's ages and what they think about this.

LittleBairn Sat 23-Nov-13 12:53:26

YANBU she is 'entitled' to nothing.

WTFlike Sat 23-Nov-13 12:54:43

Nonsense. She's entitled to nothing.

pianodoodle Sat 23-Nov-13 12:55:41

I wouldn't like the wording there either. She's not entitled to contact only your exh is surely? Obviously she'll see them and possibly on her own during his contact time but I don't see why there would be extra contact time arranged especially for her if it's a day you'd normally have them?

As others have said I guess it depends on how the children feel about that.

SilverApples Sat 23-Nov-13 13:00:17

So, the idea of building a blended family is out then? That the children could have two families that love them and care for them? confused
I'm assuming that the children are both over 6.

clam Sat 23-Nov-13 13:04:48

Sure they can build a 'blended' family (hate that term, mind!), but not on the OP's time and bandying around his new wife's "entitlements" is not helping to promote the idea. He needs to keep his ex on-side, surely, not alienate her further.

SilverApples Sat 23-Nov-13 13:06:13

You have two boys around 14 and 12? Ask them how they feel about it.
Listen to the answers and work out if they are speaking truthfully, or saying what one or the other of their parents wants to hear.

BillyBanter Sat 23-Nov-13 13:10:43

She's not entitled but the holiday arrangement was to help out and this arrangement is no longer needed. Its a fair split.

randomAXEofkindness Sat 23-Nov-13 13:18:53

No YANBU. If your dh isn't there and you are willing to take care of them, then they should be with you as long as they want to be.

I'm an exh wife btw, but my dss clearly prefers to stay with me and the other dc's, so dh makes that happen as much as possible (even though he works very long hours and isn't around much). It isn't to do with what I 'deserve' though (what nonsense); if dss didn't have such a strong preference, I would find it absurd (and have done in the past) to take care of him in place of his mother if she was willing to look after him and dh couldn't.

WooWooOwl Sat 23-Nov-13 13:19:51


New wife is not entitled to any time with your dc.

Which of you would the children prefer to be with on those 13 days, that's what matters.

Does she do as much of the organising as you do with this like shopping for school shoes?

If not, then those things that are parenting jobs that aren't particularly enjoyable should not have to come out of your time alone. It should be split, or if their things are going to continue to be your responsibility, then you and the father should have equal amounts of time to do what you choose. New wife is irrelevant.

ExcitedEmmy Sat 23-Nov-13 13:21:05

I wouldn't like it either but unfortunately there isn't much you can do about it. At the end of the day, it's better for your children if they feel welcomed and loved in both homes which this will make them feel. Their step mother sounds as though she cares about them and is making a big effort with them, which you should appreciate

Thumbwitch Sat 23-Nov-13 13:23:15

I'm with the majority here - YANBU but it depends on what the children think of this arrangement.

I also agree the new wife has no "entitlement" to time alone with your DC - does she even want it? Or has it been foisted upon her by your ex? And how well do you get on with him in general - is there any hint that he's doing this to hurt/spite you?

WorraLiberty Sat 23-Nov-13 13:24:38

If that's correct and your kids are 14 and 12, surely they get to decide?

And if they live in the same town, what's to stop them going to see you?

ExcitedEmmy Sat 23-Nov-13 13:25:02

I don't think the children should be asked what they prefer. Contact arrangements should be made between the adults. Making them choose isn't fair.

Itstartshere Sat 23-Nov-13 13:25:49

I think hard as it must be it's really important for them to build a relationship with her. As they grow older, I'd say lucky them - a mum who loves them, a stepmum who wants to spend time with them too. It benefits them. They'll have good support in place for whatever comes their way.

I do appreciate it can't feel easy though.

SilverApples Sat 23-Nov-13 13:26:39

Giving them a choice is fair, if it's done without pressure, they are old enough to decide.

WorraLiberty Sat 23-Nov-13 13:28:04

Excited I would agree if they kids were younger than 14 and 12 (if indeed that is their ages).

nkf Sat 23-Nov-13 13:30:33

As soon as I hear the word, "entitled" I think uh oh. Whenever I hear it with reference to children, I become really cranky. And the fact that men always seem to find a woman to look after their children. Not helpful really. Plan lots of things to do with the children maybe? Take a longer holiday. Get the days back via stealth.

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