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AIBU?

To continue an unplanned pregnancy as a line parent?

42 replies

Jamwidge · 22/11/2013 23:12

I am 10 weeks pregnant, completely unplanned. I have 2 dcs already and my relationship with DP has been dreadful for a long time.

He is angry that I have not had a termination already. I am struggling to come to a decision but I am aware time is running out.

In my heart I want to keep this baby, I'm aware it will not be easy but I'm certain I could cope as a lone parent.

DP is furious that he gets no say in this decision, he was raging that they wouldn't let him in the room for my termination consultation, as he says it affects his life too so he should get to decide too.

I have made it clear that there is no way forward for us after this, whatever I decide to do.

He is laying it on thick that I am unreasonable, selfish to continue this pregnancy. That I should consider our other dcs and put them first. Also I am not respecting his wishes as he does not want another child.

I am trying to convince myself to get the termination, it appears the most sensible option, we can then split and I can concentrate on my dcs.

I feel guilty for wanting to keep this baby, when it's going to put extra pressure and stress on the family at an already tough time. DP says I am only thinking about myself and not considering anyone else and I am starting to believe him.

I am so stressed, please don't be unkind, I am just hoping for some advice.

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WestieMamma · 22/11/2013 23:16

In my heart I want to keep this baby

That is the only relevant part of your post. Be strong, don't let him bully you and protect your baby.

Ouchmyhead · 22/11/2013 23:18

You're obviously going through a rough time. I don't think my opinion will be the most popular here, and obviously it is your body and your decision.

However, you say there is no way forward for your relationship, so you would be bringing an innocent child into the middle of a breakup, to a father that doesn't want or, with 2 DC's who will need a lot of care and support if their parents are splitting up. Factor in practical things like changes in income, living arrangements and solicitors and, personally, I wouldn't want to bring a baby into that situation.

I hope I don't come across as harsh, this is just an outsiders perspective. You are the one that's pregnant and will have to live with your decision. Either way I can't see the road being easy. I wish you all the best.

FudgefaceMcZ · 22/11/2013 23:18

YANBU. Please do what you choose and not listen to bullying and pressure from this childish, rude man. If he'd wanted no more children, he could have had a vasectomy before it got to this point. As it is, you are the one who is pregnant, you are the one who would give birth, you are the one who would deal with abortion- it's your choice, not his, and his only role should be to support you and the children who are both of yours regardless of whether he 'wanted' them ffs after choosing to have unprotected sex, it's not like they get to choose to have a father who is not a wanker so why should he get all the choices.

pasanda · 22/11/2013 23:18

It is your body. He should have thought of those things when you had sex with the potential risk of pregnancy.

I can kind of see where he is coming from, in that he has no say and must feel totally helpless, but please don't let him pressure you in to something that you might regret later.

Follow your heart.

FudgefaceMcZ · 22/11/2013 23:19

PS I have continued an unplanned pregnancy as a lone parent and I have not regretted it for a minute.

onlyfortonight · 22/11/2013 23:20

Your body...your choice. He made his choice when he decided to have sex. Even with contraception there is always a small risk you will fall pregnant...and as an adult he knows that.

Congratulations, I wish you all the best

UrethraFranklin · 22/11/2013 23:21

Do what you want to do.
It was the best decision of my life anyway

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 22/11/2013 23:24

I feel guilty for wanting to keep this baby, when it's going to put extra pressure and stress on the family at an already tough time. DP says I am only thinking about myself and not considering anyone else and I am starting to believe him.

Dont feel guilty for that at all, and no your not just thinking about yourself, your thinking about a tiny life, that no matter what you choose, its not gonna be easy on you, dont do something you think you will regret.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 22/11/2013 23:26

Also, if you do abort, he can forget about it and move on, it wont be as easy for you, because its your body, its gonna happen to you.

Tbh, hes being a bully.

Solasum · 22/11/2013 23:26

You have children already, so your ideas of what they involve are realistic. You have already decided that you do not want to be with him for the rest of your life. But you have to be with Yourself. It is not something trivial you can pretend does not really matter. You say deep down you want this baby, and you are already thinking of him or her as a baby, not a pregnancy. I think that makes all the difference. It may have been unplanned, but you were both aware that sex, even protected, always carries some possibility of pregnancy.

You will make it work. Many congratulations!

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 22/11/2013 23:27

It's your choice jamwidge and you should shouldn't feel pressured either way by anyone. Think through the practicalities carefully and try to be as unemotional as you can (easy for me to say) and then decide what you would rather do.

fifi669 · 22/11/2013 23:28

Yes it's his baby, but it's yours too. You want the baby, you keep the baby.

eatriskier · 22/11/2013 23:32

I've never been a person who has decided where they are owned abortion. It's an odd thing to say because I've had one. So I will say this:

If you don't want to get rid of it then don't. Yes it will be hard. Yes your ex will be a twat. But let's face it, he's being a twat anyway. Your dcs are going to go through upheavals. I love you know whether the prospect of a sibling will help that or not.

My xh pressured me into an abortion. I still regret it every day. It's only lessened by the two glorious faces I have created with dh. I never and still can't forgive my dh for is actions, and this is someone you will have to have some sort of relationship with in the end.

So sod him, think about what you really want. Weigh it up in the perspective of you and your kids and how you know your kids, not some bullshit she sprouts. Then decide.

freckledleopard · 22/11/2013 23:32

I'd keep the baby. You say you want to have the child and can cope, so please don't let yourself be bullied. I'm a lone parent and having my DD is the best thing I've ever done.

xCupidStuntx · 22/11/2013 23:34

Oh God I feel as if I was supposed to see this thread tonight. This time last year I found out I was pregnant, let me just say now that I was extremely pro choice and have been on marches and protests in my country (where it is illegal) to make it legal.

Anyway, I was in a long term relationship with a very young child. My partner was totally supportive but I knew he'd prefer me to have an abortion (though he wasn't HALF as vile as yours has been, he'd have supported me fully if I had kept the baby)

This is the first time I've ever written or talked in any capacity about my feelings because I'm so afraid that the pro life crew will use this as an opportunity to point out how wrong it is and how you'll be left regretting it for the rest of your life (I don't believe this at all and I'm venomously pro choice) however, I had the abortion out of laziness, stupidity, bad morning sickness, slightly veered because I knew DP (who is now ex DP) was more leaning towards not having it.
I regret it to be honest and I'm ONLY writing this because I think from what you've written too. If you were in different circumstances and had described things differently then I'd be giving you practical advice on where to go etc but I just feel you'll end up feeling worse than I do in a years time.

eatriskier · 22/11/2013 23:35

Bloody tablet

I know, not I love

I can't forgive xh, not dh. Poor dh he's done nothing wrong (in my case)

mumToOne33 · 22/11/2013 23:35

Yanbu. Don't let him bully you, you will live with your choice for the rest of your life. Follow your heart, if you want to keep your baby you should. A loving mother is all he/she needs. I say that as a happy lone parent :-) good luck xx

Bettercallsaul1 · 22/11/2013 23:37

The biology of the situation means that it's always going to be the woman who makes the final choice in this situation as it is her body that is concerned, not the man's. The fact that it's your body means that you are the one influenced by hormones, which, at the moment, are urging you to keep and protect the baby inside you. Likewise, it will be you who will be left with the regrets if you allow yourself to be bullied into a decision that you don't want.

There are obviously practical difficulties ahead if you decide to continue with the pregnancy, and, I agree the situation is not ideal, but if, in the end it is what you want to do, don't feel guilty about following your feelings.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 22/11/2013 23:38

Im also a lone parent, who consider an abortion even though i was with the dad at the time. My DD is the best thing ever and i would never change my mind if i could.

xCupidStuntx · 22/11/2013 23:39

That was supposed to say I am extremely pro choice, not was.

Tikkamasala · 22/11/2013 23:39

If in your heart you want your baby, then have it.

I say that as someone who has had an abortion in a situation where I thought I "had" to as it was the sensible option considering I would have been a lone parent and had very little money or support. I regret it every single day.

You sound like your mind is made up and I think YANBU at all, you can do it. It is your decision alone, do not let yourself be bullied.

Isabeller · 22/11/2013 23:39

I am not against abortion Jam but I want to encourage you to follow your heart, continue your pregnancy and I hope you find a way to emotionally distance yourself from (sounds like STBX)DP.

Who am I to say I feel sure you will cope? I just have faith in you and your ability to make a good life for yourself and your children.

How old are your DCs? Have you got a good RL support network?

for the sake of honesty I should confess I am selfishly pregnant

Kyrptonite · 22/11/2013 23:45

I was in this position. DP threatened me and everything. I stuck to my guns and DS2 is now 11 weeks old.

It was rough. We stayed together despite everyone on here telling me to ltb. We have worked it out, he adores DS2 it was the feeling of helplessness that got him. He couldn't participate in a decision that would impact on his entire life and he couldn't handle that.

Go with your gut. You know whether you can cope or not, you know whether it will be a positive thing for your DCs and you know what you want to do.

Best of luck with everything.

FreudiansSlipper · 22/11/2013 23:48

you want this baby that is not going to change, things around you may change but you will be fine, your children will be fineit's hard being a single parent and hard going through a pregnancy on your own but will that matter in the future you will be fine

I don't think the argument about being pro life/choice really matters when you are pregnant and not wanting to carry on that pregnancy or when you do want to both feelings can be overwhelmingly strong and can not be ignored

please do not let anyone bully you into having a termination, I feel you know what you want to do it will be ok

TheBigJessie · 23/11/2013 00:31

I am pro-choice. Choice is the operative word, there. Termination is supposed to be an option, not yet another duty laid on womenkind. I didn't and don't fight for reporoduction coercion in any form.

If you don't want an abortion, then you shouldn't have one. Good luck with everything, sweetheart.

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