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Aibu to stop ds from going to a birthday party tomorrow.

(45 Posts)
PrammyMammy Fri 22-Nov-13 18:41:54

Ds (5) had a hard time settling into school last year, we had lots of issues regarding another child, this year, p2, the boys have been separated and we have had a fab year so far.

Yesterday afternoon the school head teacher called me to say that another parent had called the school, extremely angry & threatening, because ds had hit her ds on the bus.
I collected ds from the bus stop & the driver hadn't mentioned it, so I told her I would go speak to him,
Head teacher warned that the other mum was demanding my details, she was wanting to come to my house or come to the school for me in the morning.(!!) she had asked the head to pass her number over to me because obviously the school wouldn't give my details.

Anyway.. I spoke to ds who said he didn't hit the boy. (which I later found out he did).
I called the mum who was seething with rage, she said her ds had bruised eyes, a bump on his nose, a swollen ear/face and was covered in scratches. Ds had used him as a human punch bag and she was calling the police.
I was mortified and said I would go speak to ds again, also that the head was going to speak to the boys in the morning.
I done the homework & left to get dh from work - explained the situation to him in the car (ds in the back listening to everything the other mum had said)
Ds immediately admitted hitting, straight away 'I did it daddy, I hit him and I'm really sorry'. He told his dad that there was a game with dinosaurs which he was losing so he hit boy on the face once but only once.

I immediately called other mum, said I was so sorry and ds had admitted hitting her ds, he will be punished and apologise in the morning.
The mum had calmed down and thanked me for calling.
I still wrote a letter to the head to say ds had lied and I'm not sure what actually happened on the bus and asked her to call me when she had spoken to them.
So last night. Ds was in huge trouble. I spoke to him about it being okay to lose in games, he couldn't always win, and it was wrong to hit anyone at all.
He was put to bed after dinner & homework.

When my phone went this morning I was expecting the worst. Instead the head teacher was totally honest and explained that the other boy had no marks on him at all (no bruises/scratches/cuts) and that ds had hit him once (not like a human punch bag), and ds was also hit on the arm- the boys mum had gone way overboard called the bus company and asked them to ban ds from their busses, being threatening etc. She assured me that it was a 1 off incident between two 5 year olds and there was no chance anyone was being banned from busses/arrested by the police/killed - (the mum had said she would kill her ds if he had hit anyone).
It was all blown out of proportion.

I have already told ds he isn't going to football tomorrow, he isn't having any tv or ds time for a week.
Just noticed it is his friends birthday tomorrow, they are having a party. Other mum won't be there because it's a small outing with only a few of the boys. The other boy is new to the school so isn't friends with birthday boy.

Dh has stated that there is no way he will be attending the party. I'm not even 100% sure ds knows it is tomorrow as he hasn't mentioned it.
I know the venue is expensive per child and have a strict capacity. So admittedly I'm also worried about upsetting another mum by not showing up.

So really my question is, am I going overboard by not letting him attend the party?
Is it a punishment if he doesn't remember the party or should I tell him that today is df's birthday and he can't go? Or should I let him attend but remind him it was arranged before the bus incident?

This is the first major punishment ds has had and I've no older children, I honestly don't know.

Sorry for long post, I didn't want to miss anything and please don't be to hard on me if it's blindingly obvious he shouldn't attend.

I personally think he's been punished enough, no football, no tv etc.

Oh, and the other mum is a loon!!

Shamoy Fri 22-Nov-13 18:46:33

Yes way over the top
He's 5. He hit another boy once as well as being hit by the other boy
He's been punished by losing several treats already as well as a big telling off
I'd drop it!

IslaValargeone Fri 22-Nov-13 18:47:01

He's missing out on football, tv and ds time.
Tbh I think that's enough for a 5 year old.

somersethouse Fri 22-Nov-13 18:47:21

I would let him go to the party.

It sounds like a storm in a teacup to me.
Don't worry OP. Also, stick up for your little boy, it sounds like this lady went over the top in her accusations.

Do you think DS is contrite? He has had a punishment. If he really understands and is sorry (and, frankly, was also hit and the Mum is weird) I would let him go. I would tell him that this is because the other boy is not being punished as well and that he made a commitment to go.

LovesBeingHereAgain Fri 22-Nov-13 18:48:41

I would let him go, especially as it wasn't spelled out as part of it

iwantavuvezela Fri 22-Nov-13 18:49:15

Let him go to the party.
You have dealt with the situation well
Your ds has been punished
Time to let this go!

Melonbreath Fri 22-Nov-13 18:49:22

Yabu. He's said he's sorry and learnt his lesson. If he hits again then come down like a ton of bricks

mrsscoob Fri 22-Nov-13 18:50:55

I agree with the other posters. I would say losing "screen time" is enough punishment.

mrsscoob Fri 22-Nov-13 18:51:31

I would let him go to football too for what its worth

Sounds to me as if it was 6 of one and half a dozen of the other.

Its never good when your child is involved in a fight, especially when one of them is hurt but I think the other mother has exagerated the incident and your boy has been punished enough. I would let him go.

cathpip Fri 22-Nov-13 18:51:45

I would let him attend the party but make it clear that this was organised before said incident and the only reason he is going is to not let down and upset the birthday boy. I think no football and no ds/tv for a week is substantial punishment for a 5 year old, ESP considering that he has been spoken to by the head already and in all reality not that I condone hitting the incident was clearly blown out of all proportion by the other mum.

TheWitTank Fri 22-Nov-13 18:52:13

Agree with other posters-you have taken enough steps as a punishment. No, he shouldn't of hit. He seems to understand this now, and at 5 I think you have done enough. The other mum was completely OTT. I would leave it now though, head is supporting you and the other mum seemed placated on the phone.

HeadfirstThroughTheTimeVortex Fri 22-Nov-13 18:53:30

He's 5, he's already been punished, it all sounds a bit over the top. Let him go to the party.

The other mother sounds vile. I know it's upsetting when your child gets hurt but she's gone way overboard.

PrammyMammy Fri 22-Nov-13 18:55:48

Really. Phew! I'm 36 weeks pregnant and could really do with the quiet couple of party hours to be honest.
I've never had to deal with anyone like the other mum, and totally didn't know what to do.

Thank you.

HeadfirstThroughTheTimeVortex Fri 22-Nov-13 18:56:10

I'd let him do football too. It will help him let off steam, plus exercise should be encouraged, not withheld as punishment.

17leftfeet Fri 22-Nov-13 18:56:29

I actually think you are going way over the top with punishment -at five it should be dealt with on the day, not dragged out over a week

Groovee Uruguay Fri 22-Nov-13 18:57:21

I think he's been punished enough. The other mother sounds vile too.

Killinascullion Fri 22-Nov-13 18:57:27

I agree that he should go to the party. He's only 5 and it does sound like the other mum is probably unhinged.

What punishment has her boy been given for hitting, I wonder?

ICameOnTheJitney Fri 22-Nov-13 18:58:40

Let him go to the party. 5 year olds make mistakes.

I'd let him go, it's not fair on the party boy for a start and he's been punished enough.

PrammyMammy Fri 22-Nov-13 18:59:43

The football/tv/ds ban was put into place last night when I had the mum on the phone saying her ds was bruised & bleeding. So you might be right because I did base it on a much worse situation than what it all turned out to be.

usualsuspect Fri 22-Nov-13 18:59:46

I'd let him go to the party and football.

It was a silly scuffle by the sounds of it.

The other mother sounds barking.

WooWooOwl Iran Fri 22-Nov-13 18:59:50

I think he's had more than enough punishment.

It would be very rude towards the party host family and their child to let them down at the last minute, especially when you know there's only a small group going and your ds's place has been paid for. It would be very unfair on the birthday child, as they would be effectively being punished too. I know at 5 my ds would be upset if one of his friends couldn't come to his special birthday treat when he'd been looking forward to it.

Even if your ds did deserve another punishment (which he very much doesn't) then you would just be sending the message that other people's feelings don't matter and it's ok to let them down. Your ds might not remember that it's tomorrow now, but you'd have to tell him otherwise the punishment is pointless anyway.

He's only 5!

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