to actually show that I'm upset the next time some idiot thinks I'm pregnant?

(23 Posts)
lessonsintightropes Fri 22-Nov-13 00:44:45

I am a quite cuddly but tall person and carry much of my weight around my middle. I exercise a lot and so have quite slim and sturdy limbs. So I appreciate the fact that people see a big tummy and wonder if I'm expecting...

However I've been TTC for a few months now and obviously to date have not been successful. In the past, when someone has been rude made a mistake and commented and asked me when I'm due, I've made light of it and said - not pregnant, just chubby! In order to make them feel less uncomfortable about having made a faux pas.

The last few months though I've been hurt by a couple of these comments and feeling less inclined to respond nicely. AIBU to say sharply that I'm not pregnant but thanks for bringing up a sensitive topic - or should I just suck it up? I would say that in a completely anonymous environment (i.e. public transport), where it's happened a few times, I'd never make a fuss, as I don't want someone who actually is pregnant to stop being offered a seat because I've embarrassed someone who's being chivalrous. But in a work or social environment I just think it's inexcuseable.

Would appreciate keeping fat-shaming to a minimum in responses, thanks in advance.

YoureBeingASillyBilly Fri 22-Nov-13 00:54:49

Why would anyone 'fat shame' you? Ive never heard that phrase before.

I would be honest with people and let them know it hurts you. Nothing wrong with that imo. I think most people nowadays should know that you dont assume someone is pregnant unless they tell you so it is rude to comment unpromted.

TiredFeet Fri 22-Nov-13 06:40:22

I carry any extra weight around my stomach too. And I remember how awful those comments were when we were ttc and it was taking a while. Yanbu to show you are upset, at least then people might think a bit more before making the same comments to someone else. I used to smile politely and then cry once I had escaped, but that probably means the thoughtless types go on to do it again.

SteamWisher Fri 22-Nov-13 06:43:57

Then just say sorry, but you've made a mistake. These people don't do it to embarrass you.

CoffeeTea103 Fri 22-Nov-13 06:45:43

Do you think that people who don't know you are doing this intentionally to hurt you? I would see this an innocent mistake.

OwlinaTree Fri 22-Nov-13 06:51:14

I feel your pain. Years of 'when are you and DH going to have a baby' while we'd been trying with no success. People are just thoughtless, they don't mean to be, they just say things to make conversation.

Nothing wrong with telling people'no I'm not and I don't want to talk about it/mind your own business/what's it to you/but we would like to be.' Just depends how much you want to reveal to your colleagues and friends really. I ended up telling one woman at work (who went on and on about how lovely it would be if me and DH had a baby, we should do it or we'd regret it etc) that wed been trying for 18 months so could she shut up about it. People who have never had a problem getting pg just don't see that it might not be a choice to not be pg iyswim.

Good luck, I hope you get good news soon.

Longdistance Fri 22-Nov-13 06:51:59

There's an ad in Oz where a guy mistakes the woman as being pg. she retorts 'no, I just like cake'. (It's a car ad confused )
People always think I'm pg too, as am tall, but with weight around my middle that won't shift.
I'm waiting for someone to ask me am I pg, cos I think I might say the above.
Good luck with ttc. It took us 7 months with both dd's btw.

I wouldn't say about your TTC troubles just a simple "no, I'm not pregnant" in an abrupt tone should be enough to make them think twice next time. I'm sorry you have to deal with people like this, it's so insensitive.

lessonsintightropes Sat 23-Nov-13 01:33:42

Thanks for the reality call Mnetters smile

drbonnieblossman Sat 23-Nov-13 02:00:26

Try "Did you mean to be so rude?".

Surely there is an unwritten rule about this - if in doubt, don't ask.

snowqu33n Sat 23-Nov-13 02:10:28

I've witnessed someone ask a very slim young woman when the baby is due at a party. Awkward! She was a friend's girlfriend and we have no idea why someone would ask that under the circumstances. We were all shock confused . Also, I know a nun who was visiting family and not wearing her usual clothes who was in a car accident and the policeman who attended it was convinced she was expecting and wanted to take her to hospital. Due to a medical issue she has a slightly indicative shape, but still!! She and her family laughed about it though. Just letting you know, it can happen to anyone. If people give you a seat on public transport, then I say take full advantage, unless someone more needy is nearby.

OldBagWantsNewBag Sat 23-Nov-13 02:14:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsHoratioNelson Sat 23-Nov-13 02:35:19

steam and coffee people may not be being intentionally hurtful, but they're being bloody thoughtless, rude and insensitive. Unless a woman is clearly having contractions on front of you, you wait to be told rather than asking when the baby's due!

OP, giving them an icy glare as you correct them ought to be enough.

SteamWisher Sat 23-Nov-13 07:04:09

Why is it bloody thoughtless, rude and insensitive?

ICameOnTheJitney Sat 23-Nov-13 07:13:18

YANBU! It's very rude to ask this of any woman...this pic tells it well!

meditrina Sat 23-Nov-13 07:16:52

People often do say crass and intrusive things.

As you say in OP, this has been happening to you long before TTC was on your agenda. You didn't point out the potential hurtfulness then, and I do not think it will actually help you as an individual to start now. Carry on with what you always though was appropriate. Don't add stress by taking a new line that does not come naturally to you, and certainly not when you are sensitive about it. You need the 'armour' of your earlier choice of response to defend you, not expose yourself in ways you never chose before exactly at the time it will upset you.

Vent here and to friends when you need to. I hope you do have the baby you hope for - in which case you will really need to get used to brushing off rude and personal comments as parents get them all the time.

mysteryfairy Sat 23-Nov-13 07:29:35

There are plenty of threads on here from pregnant women complaining that no one offers them seats on underground etc. Not sure the general public can win on this one!

Good luck with TTC. I hope it happens for you soon.

conkercon Sat 23-Nov-13 07:53:05

I can understand why you are so upset OP and hope it happens for you soon.

However I have to disagree that people are being delibrately rude. I did this once to a lovely lady at work. I did not see her very often as she was on a different floor in another department but we spoke quite regularly on the phone. I bumped into her one day and came out with "congratulations I did not know you were pregnant again" she wasn't and I wanted to die right there and then. This was about 12 years ago and despite this lady subsequently joining my department and us getting on very well I still feel awful when I think about it.

As someone else said I now wait to be told and even that has caused me problems because people think I should know because it's obvious and wonder why I am not congratulating them.

PicardyThird Sat 23-Nov-13 07:58:06

I am small and slim (size 10) with a very flat chest and a round tummy, which the births of my two dc didn't exactly improve. I also have slight scoliosis, which makes it even more pronounced. People are always assuming I'm pg, and the worst of it is I've had five mcs. The thing is, I can admit it's a reasonable assumption looking at the rest of me. So I always counter it with a big smile and say 'oh no, I just never got rid of my baby tummy' and more often than not they are mortified. But I figure they won't be so quick to make assumptions in future and might have learned the valuable lesson that, um, women have tummies.

Beastofburden Sat 23-Nov-13 08:16:56

The thing is, they are trying to be nice. Over familiar, but nice. It hits a nerve for you, sadly, especially right now, but that is not their fault.

If you react with anger they will learn nothing, as they can then write you off as rude and over reacting.

If you do want to share the situation, a rueful shake of the head and a "sadly not" would do the job. Otherwise, "I wish!" And move on, they will feel awful and not want t make that mistake again.

But TBH when we are TTC all kinds of things annoy us- people with kids they seem not to appreciate, mothers being tactful, husbands breathing... Be kind to yourself, it's a difficult time. Lots of people take a year, it isn't sinister.

OP, I feel your pain. I get this all the time, and I'm not even that tall grin Just carry almost all my weight around my middle.

It's usually little old ladies who ask me if I'm pregnant, so I give them the benefit of the doubt. I do think that more people should follow the unwritten rule of NEVER asking that question to any woman ever. I don't feel the need to ask people if they're expecting though, so I'm not sure I understand why people feel that urge.

AllDirections Sat 23-Nov-13 09:53:43

I get asked all the time but it doesn't offend me because I do look pregnant and I'm thick skinned It bothers them a lot more than it bothers me once I say that I'm not pregnant, I end up placating them!! grin

When I get asked weekly, rather than monthly, if I'm pregnant, then I have to resign myself to the fact that I need to diet. FWIW I have to be under the minimum recommended weight for my height before I don't look pregnant.

GrumpyRedhead Sat 23-Nov-13 09:56:46

I have always been prone to carrying weight around the middle, and three babies later have a huge belly (it's 40 inches, I weigh 13 stone, overweight for my height but really out of proportion!)

I have found that feeling conscious of my belly and trying to hide it can come across as 'pregnant woman cradling a bump'. Any chance you're doing the same thing?

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