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To NOT want my husband to have a makeover and dress as a woman?

(181 Posts)
Katie4u Thu 21-Nov-13 23:56:23

I have known about my husband's need to dress as a woman for almost 20 years. I came home unexpectedly one day to find him wearing my clothes. I was shocked and quite frightened. He explained that this was something he had been doing in secret since he was a little boy. Me being me, I felt sorry for him. We spoke about it for quite a while - I couldn't shut him up - I tried to understand him, but it became clear to me that this wasn't something that was going to go away. I told him that I didn't want to be part of it, that our children mustn't ever see him or know about it and he has been true to his word. There have been times when he has asked if he could dress and be with me and I must confess that, in bed, he was a lot more passionate making love to me dressed in my undies than he was when he was naked ... he's not gay! Now that our kids have flown the nest, he has had more opportunity and is taking more risks. He wants to know how good he would look with a professional makeover and he has found a place where he can go to do this. I have said no. I'm frightened where tis might lead? Am I being unreasonable?!

ocelot41 Sat 07-Dec-13 20:54:36

Wow Katie that's a hell of a bombshell. I can't imagine what you must be going through right now. Please, get some professional support for yourself, and talk to your DH about the same for him (individually or together). Trans people are at a very high risk of suicide, and it sounds like your end is far from peachy too. Please don't try and get through this alone - this is VERY big stuff indeed. HUG.

I'm a little late in reading this Post, but would like to take the opportunity of adding my thoughts, which are based on my experiences as a husband that enjoys cross-dressing.

Firstly Katie, it's very sad that you only found out about this side of her Husband after 20 years. No wonder you're worried and unsure of the future.

I've been cross-dressing from early childhood and can say with some certainty, that this is something that your Husband (nor any Doctor) can stop. It is the way that some of us are born and I look at it as being one of hundreds of shades of grey, between black and white, or between Arnie and Kylie. We cannot help how we were put together.

Over the years, I have met dozens of guys who like to crossdress, some of whom enjoy wearing a skirt around the house while others were actually trans-sexual and have gone on to have surgery. The vast majority are the former and simply enjoy the feel of feminine clothes. After all, they are much more comfortable and are made from much softer fabrics.

I myself enjoy dressing fully as a woman and going out to restaurants or quieter bars, as I am very fortunate in be able to "pass" and not attract unwelcome attention. Whether this is what your Husband eventually desires, I can't say. What I can say though, is that I chose to be totally honest with my wife before I asked her to marry me. She was shocked, confused and we both shed many tears. I thought I'd lost her. That was 20 years ago and gradually, over the years, we have both developed an understanding that has seen me go from a guy wearing a skirt in secret at home, to a well-balanced, loving and faithful Husband who is able to release his feminine side, openly and without feeling ashamed or frightened of losing his family.

I think all that I'm saying here, is that the only way forward is for both to talk to each other, openly and honestly. Try to agree compromises and to understand each others feelings. The Beaumont Society is indeed a great source of information and support for wives. No-one fully knows what the future holds, but I honestly suspect that your Husband is no different to the tens of thousands of other crossdressers in the country, who just want to be accepted as a guy that needs to express his feminine side. Trust me, every man has one, but it takes a real man to admit it.

Wishing you both the very best of luck.

paxtecum Sun 19-Jan-14 09:36:35

Rachel: I speak as someone who was married to a CD.
I whole heartedly disagee with your statement 'Trust me, every man has one, but it takes a real man to admit it.'

Are you really saying that everyman would like to wear women's clothes, but only some admit to it?

Oakmaiden Sun 19-Jan-14 09:55:40

Pax - but Rachel actually said every man has a feminine side. I would agree with that. Obviously not all men want to express it by wearing feminine clothing.

paxtecum Sun 19-Jan-14 10:05:27

Oak: Sorry, I think I read it differently, but after rereading it I think you are right.
I think I'm a bit too defensive on this subject!

Rachel: Please accept my apologies.

Absolutely no problem Paxtecum. Maybe I just worded it poorly and I'm glad Oakmaiden picked it up the way I meant it.

Obviously not all men would ever dream of wearing feminine clothes, but again, it comes back to the idea of varying shades of grey.

LibraryBook Thu 23-Jan-14 14:46:48

Rachel - It's not just the silkiness and sheerness of the drawers though, surely? Otherwise they would make men Calvin Klein boxers in knitted silk and peached silk, and that would satisfy the demand.

Most transexuals appear to dress as a sort of caricature of womanliness.

following Thu 23-Jan-14 14:55:53

i would find it disturbing if i came home and found my husband dressed in my clothes , he would be shown the door .

Supercosy Thu 23-Jan-14 15:02:56

It's a funny old thing though isn't it? I'm a gay woman. I like to dress in a very feminine way most of the time, dresses, make up, etc. My Dp is the opposite, she NEVER wears dresses, in fact the idea of her in a dress is a really strange one to her, she lives in jeans, chinos, smart shirts for work and fleeces etc for outside work. It's not a "costume" for her, it's what she feels comfortable wearing and I think she is beautiful.

People do sometimes mistake her for a man. It's a little bit embarrassing for her at times but she is not considered freakish and her preference for dressing like this isn't seen as something to be hidden. Isn't it funny that we have such double standards as a society? I'm not having a go at you OP at all. I can see how this could be difficult in a relationship for some people (maybe alot of people) but I do feel so sorry for men that they are not "allowed" to express that side of themselves without ridicule.

LibraryBook: No, it's not just the "silkiness and sheerness of the drawers". It's the whole feel of wearing a pretty dress or a nice skirt and blouse. By definition, a skirt or dress will feel so different to wearing trousers and the fact that the fabric and colours are also so different simply add to their overall "feel". It's very hard to explain, but I just feel so comfortable in such clothes.

Supercosy: Your point is very well made. Please don't take this the wrong way, but your point helps illustrate my view on the shades of grey between "absolute female" and "absolute male". I am a male the loves wearing feminine styles and your partner is a female that prefers a more male style. We are all different and cannot help the way we were made.

Supercosy Thu 23-Jan-14 15:32:33

Totally agree Rachel. I find it really annoying when people say about "butch" women "why do they feel the need to dress up like that?" I say "because those are the clothes/style that makes them feel happy and comfortable....they're not trying to be something anymore than you are". It befuddles me that it offends some people so hugely that others transgress those supposed gender barriers. Or maybe I am just someone to whom that ambiguity is attractive but to others it's not....I don't know!

I always thought that cross dressing was separate from wanting to be the other gender, but I am not so sure now.

It would certainly make sense if we could all wear whatever felt comfortable. As a man I've thought on really hot days why I couldn't wear something like a toga. That need not be feminine, just cooler. After all, Roman men wore them. I've also seen men in kilts and that doesn't look feminine at all.

So is the point about cross dressing, wearing bright, soft, loose clothes or is it always about looking like the 'other' gender?

What would happen if it became common for men to wear short pink togas and women long blue ones. Would some men want to wear a long blue one simply because that is what women were wearing?

LibraryBook Thu 23-Jan-14 15:49:41

Most women wear trousers. It doesn't turn them into a man and most don't wear them to embrace their inner bloke. grin In the same way a man dressing in a skirt doesn't turn into a woman.

BackOnlyBriefly: Crossdressing is definately not the same as wanting to become a woman (ie: surgery), but has different degrees. For some, men are happy to wear something feminine in private, for others, they want to look as feminine as possible and to enjoy shopping and evenings out. Whatever degree, the men are very rarely gay, but someone who enjoys wearing something in privet will often want more.

LibraryBook: Exactly right smile

So what is the attraction then? It's been suggested it's not the clothes as such, the colors and materials, so is it what they represent? In other words because they are women's clothes.

The ideal thing would be if we could lose all the 'rules' about what people wear. That would be convenient for us all. If any random mix of clothes were socially acceptable and no one took any notice then next time there's a heatwave I could just wear a really long t-shirt. Essentially a dress, though I wouldn't pick one in pink because it wouldn't be any kind of statement for me and I prefer blue or white.

If that happened and men & women walked around in all kinds of stuff, a tuxedo and a mini skirt, a sari and a bowler hat, then what might those people who are cross dressing choose to wear. Would it still be the same dresses and high heel shoes or would cross dressing become meaningless?

BackOnBriefly: I think the attraction varies from person to person. Personally I'm a very happily married man (yes, she knows) and leave a very healthy and active life as a man. I do however enjoy dressing as a woman and going out to "normal" places with girlfriends, just as a woman does. So for me, it's more than just the clothes, whereas others may be content with simply watching telly in a skirt. It's such a broad and varied spectrum.

Thanks rachelmonday. I should probably say that I have no problem with it. I don't believe anything should be taboo unless it harms others, and this couldn't be more harmless. It's amazing really that we became so fixed in our expectations of behaviour that it could be considered a problem at all.

Oblomov Thu 23-Jan-14 21:52:08

I don't think I could cope with it.
I suspect it won't go away and will only get worse.

MarianGregory Wed 14-May-14 13:37:27

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Jesse4pink Mon 30-Jun-14 15:58:45

I know this topic's old but I'm interested on the outcome?

I'm a straight guy and a crossdresser my self, have been since 6 years old lol hey I grew up in the 80s those girly men's fashion's stayed with me, I've always been fully open with it and my wife knew all about me before she took me on lol, I'm not one for dresses, panties, bras as it's not me i have no desire to want to look like an outright woman, I'm naturally a feminine kind of guy lol which is just as well considering my real name's "Jesse" haha jking aside that's me so I look for things to show that side of me, I'm more into woman jeans, tops, leggings, denim short shorts and other little feminine bits and bobs, that's about as far a I take it, I wear woman's clothing for one thing and one thing only because mens clothes are very boring the color choice is far better in the woman's section and there is a lot more to choose from in terms of style and more importantly womans clothes fit me better as I'm a tall skinny curvy guy.

What i find upsetting in this topic is the blatant disrespect the husband has for his wife, the fact that he's lording it over on everything is shameful and shows he couldn't give a toss what she thinks or at least that's how it comes across, the fact he's opened a facebook page parading as a woman and likes getting chatted up by guys speaks volumes, does he want to be be with guys? or is it fantasy, I fear the OP's marriage maybe heading for a rough time because he is clearly leading a different life and it would seem he doesn't need her.

DuchessofKirkcaldy Mon 30-Jun-14 17:10:51

OP I could almost have written your posts myself....except that I have only known for 2 years (we have been married 13).

I do my best to understand, help him with shopping, make up etc. He dresses well and I will even admit to borrowing the odd top or necklace from him.

However deep down it is killing me. I love him deeply and want him to be happy but every so often it all blows up and we have a huge row.
This mainly happens when he "moves the goalposts"
It went from something he did in private to something he felt he wanted me to know about.
I said "fine, I know but would prefer not to see"
To telling close friends, then going out in public (abroad)
Now he shaves his body hair, plucks his eyebrows and even his voice and mannerisms have changed. He drinks wine/cocktails when we go out although he was always a pint man.

I get occasional flashes of the man I once married and live for them.
We rarely have sex as he says he has no libido at the moment and washing his lacy knickers just doesn't do it for me!

He says he still loves me.

He has even said he will bury it all again as he has done for years to please me.

How can I force him to be miserable for my sake?

There really seems to be no answer sad

SarcyMare Mon 30-Jun-14 17:16:48

I honestly don't see why anyone feels the need to wear jeans, i have never been comfortable in a pair once in my life, but i don't call people sick who do like them.

DuchessofKirkcaldy Mon 30-Jun-14 18:15:22

Sorry to add
When he first told me this he said he identified as male.
Now he only ever refers to himself as trans/ cross gender.

His attitude has really changed too. Any one who struggles to understand eg his mum who he has recently told is closed minded and behind the times and in his eyes not worth talking to.

His DM's reaction was "ok, I still love you but I don't really need to know any more.Do you want to stay for your tea?" So could have been much worse.

redshifter Mon 30-Jun-14 20:21:51

Life's not worth a damn, until I can shout out.. I AM, WHAT I AM

redshifter Mon 30-Jun-14 20:24:52

And FUCK you sexist, controlling cunts who judge me on the clothes I wear.

I am not allowed to to wear the same clotbes as you because I have a penis.

You sexist, bigoted, bastards.

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