to tell adult DD she is not welcome

(185 Posts)
yerase Mon 18-Nov-13 18:13:19

DS has just graduated from uni and is currently a temp for a well known agency placed in the public sector (don't want to say anymore for fear of this being recognised). It is pretty poorly paid and he absolutely hates it. DD graduated from uni three years ago walked straight into a grad scheme has really taken off from there. Everytime she sees him she teases and taunts him about it (I've spoken to her about it before). However yesterday she popped in she took it a stage further and she asked him whether he was looking forward to another week in job paradise and how many cabinets would be filed this week etc.

DS stormed off into his room really upset and he locked himself away for the rest of the evening (until she'd gone). I'm really disgusted at her partly for her obnoxious attitude and I don't feel like I want her visiting if she is going to carry on like this as DS is really unhappy at the moment and can do without this nastiness when he's at home.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 18-Nov-13 18:36:14

Have they always been like this together or is is just since the summer?

yerase Mon 18-Nov-13 18:36:23

wigglesrock- No she moved out entirely on her own accord.

yerase Mon 18-Nov-13 18:37:02

DonkeysDontRideBicycles- No they were really close during their teenage years.

Maryz Mon 18-Nov-13 18:41:07

What MrsDeVere says.

You need to talk to her as an adult, and ask her how she intends to carry on. And if she laughs and says she doesn't intend to change then you can consider limiting how often she can visit.

But I wonder does she think she is just "teasing"?

sunbathe Mon 18-Nov-13 18:41:54

I suppose it's possible that she knows he can do better than this job and believes attacking his pride is the way to get him motivated? hmm

What was their relationship like before uni? Did they get along generally, look out for each other?

NewtRipley Mon 18-Nov-13 18:43:27

Strange that of she thought she was just teaching she made no move to go and talk to him. Is that out of character too?

Is it normal for him to storm off?

NewtRipley Mon 18-Nov-13 18:43:52

teasing not teaching

Beastofburden Mon 18-Nov-13 18:44:17

Does she understand that he is miserable and vulnerable? Would that just make her more unkind? I would explain to her that DS needs his family to back him up and help him, in this very difficult job market, not attack.

If she's doing so well, can she keep an eye out for some job openings he could apply for?

bakingaddict Mon 18-Nov-13 18:44:35

I agree with newgirl, there must be a reason why she feels the need to goad him in this way.

Have her achievements never been recognised? People who constantly need to put other people down are seeking validation in some way

CoffeeTea103 Mon 18-Nov-13 18:45:11

Sorry but your dd sounds horrible, she's an adult and should behave like one! I don't think it's being insecure, it's just that she enjoys being mean.

Seeing as they are both adults they should really sort it out. But seriously make it clear to her that she is being really nasty and if she feels like she cants stop then she should visit when she's ready to be an adult.

usualsuspect Mon 18-Nov-13 18:45:58

Your DS need to tell her to STFU stop being a twat.

Why doesn't he stand up to her?

forgetmenots Mon 18-Nov-13 18:46:07

What mrsdevere said.

I think maybe sitting them down together would work, so that they can each voice their issues. You would have to e careful not to interfere too heavily though.

FortyDoorsToNowhere Mon 18-Nov-13 18:47:36

I would spin it around and ask her if she would like it if you went into her home and started goading her guest.

malovitt Mon 18-Nov-13 18:48:09

I wouldn't have her in my house, sorry.

No way would I put up with one of my children behaving like that to another who was thoroughly miserable at work.

It's vile.

WhoNickedMyName Mon 18-Nov-13 18:48:15

Did she know he'd gone off upset? Was she bothered by it?

You need to tell her straight, there's a big difference between a bit of teasing and being a nasty little madam and she crossed the line.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 18-Nov-13 18:50:13

It is a shame she sees this as an achilles heel so now is pouncing on it every time she sees him. Did he achieve a better degree or was she always scornful about his course choice?

If you can talk to her, comment he is down about his current situation and remind her that the longer she keeps this up the further apart they'll grow. Stress and anxiety over employment and poor prospects can lead to depression so support from loved ones is really important.

yerase Mon 18-Nov-13 18:50:28

When I mentioned it to her yesterday she just rolled her eyes and said he'll bounce back

I would intervene and tell her to pack it in.

But, in the nicest possible way, I think your ds being so upset he locks himself away (if he is a graduate he is also an adult?) he is over reacting too. As a life long public sector worker I can tell him he is in for a lot of this if he sticks with it. He needs a thicker skin and a withering look.

yerase Mon 18-Nov-13 18:51:49

I will concede that my initial thoughts are perhaps clouded by the fact I am deeply worried for him at the moment.

morethanpotatoprints Mon 18-Nov-13 18:52:01

I think her behaviour for a grown woman was despicable, but I wouldn't ban her as others have said, may end up biting you on the bum.
Is it just their usual relationship or do you think there's more to it?
I would be telling her whatever her problem is it upsets you when she talks to her db in this way and you expect better from her now.
I'd also remind her that however old she is you don't take that type of behaviour in your house and she was brought up better than that.
Then ask if she is ok, what is bothering her. Sounds like she may have a problem or unresolved issues if this is not normal behaviour from her.
Good luck. They don't get easier as they grow up, do they?

Maryz Mon 18-Nov-13 18:53:14

You need to not "mention" it.

You need to sit down and tell her you want to have a serious conversation with her. That she may not realise it, but the way she speaks to her brother isn't acceptable.

Ask her would she talk to her friends like that.

I would actually consider telling her that you are worried. If she doesn't live there she may have absolutely no idea how difficult life is for him at the moment.

thebody Mon 18-Nov-13 18:54:55

no would not be allowed in my house..

house rules include being supportive and kind. teasing to a certain level is healthy but your dd is being spiteful.

my ok her grown up kids have been through rough work patches, they support each other, that's the deal.

tell your dd in no uncertain terms to shut up and grow up. also your ds needs to remember he is actually lucky to have a job. my older grad ds was flipping burgers.

IAlwaysThought Mon 18-Nov-13 19:01:11

Is it possible your DD is trying to hurt your feelings rather than your sons. Perhaps she thinks you mollycoddle him or whatever and is resentful of what you do? confused

EverythingInMjiniature Mon 18-Nov-13 19:01:38

She is being vile, and clearly upsetting her brother, which is unacceptable behaviour at any age, and ridiculous for someone in her mid twenties. You are within your right to put your foot down.

However, I do wonder what is causing this. You say they were really close as teens and the bullying is a recent thing and very much job related. I wonder if she feels as if her achievements are being minimised? You talk about how she 'walked into a graduate job' as if it was luck (which it may have been) but she probably feels she worked hard at uni/interview/new job and you may not be recognising this.

I speak as someone with who was in a similar position to your DD a couple of years ago, when DB was having expensive courses paid for, house deposit funded, cash every time he went home. It stirred all sorts of resentments in me from our childhoods where I felt he was effectively 'rewarded' for not working as hard (eg I got a part time job to learn to drive, he didn't, so our parents funded a car and lessons).

With a more mature brain I can see that you need to parent children as individuals, and DB needed more support an encouragement than I did, but at the time it stung.

On the other hand I would never have taken it out on him, and what she says is very spiteful.

HoleyGhost Mon 18-Nov-13 19:01:57

Is he open with you? The great thing about being a temp is that if you don't like where you work, you move on quickly until you find a better fit.

I admit to feeling massively frustrated with a sibling who was in a horrible work situation and did nothing to get out of it besides endless moaning - for 5 years. Looking back I wonder if goading might have helped because being supportive and listening just meant misery was dumped on me for years on end.

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