...to be slightly repulsed by DP?

(85 Posts)

OK, I laughed this off at first. And I am TRYING to be understanding. But it's actually getting seriously impactful now.

DP, about 6 months ago, developed this really weird habit. I had thought it was just because he had a cold. He basically grunts really loudly (I mean REALLY loudly) and hoiks up all the phlegm in his mouth, and then gobs it all (even more loudly) in the nearest receptacle. Repeatedly.

He does it in earshot of guests (though, tellingly, not his DPs). In front of the twins (so they have started copying the noise, which he just finds amusing). He does it A LOT first thing in the morning during his ablutions. And - which is where it's impacting - last thing at night. I'm trying soooo hard to ignore it, but it doesn't make for a Barry White moment. It's actually making my skin crawl and my teeth shiver and it's REALLY REALLY hard to fancy him and leap into his arms when he comes to bed.

Once, in his sleep, he even did it on my head. I jest not. That was a new low...

I've tried mentioning it in a non-naggy way only to be dismissed. I once even read out an article about things we find disgusting and why, which included chesty things like this, because at a subconscious level we see it as a sign of illness and therefore find it physically repellent because we don't want to be infected.

Do you think he IS ill? Do normal people have that amount of phlegm/catarrh? He doesn't have a cough/wheeze. He IS overweight (which doesn't help either, and he also SNORES like a particularly choked up walrus).

How can I make him aware of it? A bit more discreet? Just to TONE IT DOWN A BIT? I really don't want to be whingey, because I'm not like that at all, and I'm sure I have my own irritating habits. But he genuinely would get more action if he could just STOP BEING SO DISGUSTING!

Suggestions ladies please. Has anyone else had this or similar? How did you gently get them to desist?

Thumbwitch Wed 20-Nov-13 08:43:00

Could be sinus issues.

BUT that aside, it's utterly disgusting and I couldn't live with it, it's one of my pet hates in the appalling disgusting habit stakes.

I really hope the ENT referral brings some relief for you both! And if it doesn't, then PLEASE insist he does it in a tissue, not in any old receptacle! Beyond unacceptable. <<shudders>>

nennypops Wed 20-Nov-13 07:48:59

I don't get why he claims not to be aware of it, if he manages not to do it round his dps. And he surely has to be aware of disgusting things like gobbing into waste baskets. I really hope you make him empty them.

wontletmesignin Wed 20-Nov-13 07:40:22

My ex done this also. Morning and night, like your oh.
It was down to him smoking cannabis constantly.
It drove me mad. He should be respecting your views though.
I dont like how he can contain himself around his dp, but nobody else.

ZillionChocolate Wed 20-Nov-13 07:17:04

Revolting. Glad you're making progress. If its allergy related, it'd be easy to trial anti histamines for a couple of weeks. Certirizine one a day is cheap in supermarkets/home bargains etc.

FreckleyGirlAbroad Wed 20-Nov-13 06:04:12

Glad you have wielded your influence and hopefully the docs appointments will start things on the right track!!!

I used to work in a call centre and a girl who sat a few booths from me used to do this then spit into the waste paper bin next to her. You could see everyone else rolling their eyes over the tops of the booth dividers!!! angry

GingerBlondecat Wed 20-Nov-13 04:12:52

I wouldnt drink that coffee ..............................

JudyJudgypants Wed 20-Nov-13 03:38:59

Use your phone to film him doing it, get quite a few clips first, then play it back to him and let him explain how its meant to enhance your relationship?

ArtexMonkey Wed 20-Nov-13 00:37:19

Doing it on you in bed is proper fucking horrible.

Are you sure he was 'asleep'?

Had you had a go at him about it earlier that day?

Hmm. Good news about the ENT though.

Oh, and I got my boyfriend to stop smoking around me by repeatedly telling him he was going to make me ill. So that works too.

I get this a lot, especially in winter and when I'm outdoors a lot. If he brings up a lot of oddly-coloured mucus he needs an expectorant, possibly a humidifier as well, and needs to shield his mouth. That'll reduce the amount of times he'll need to clear the passageways, so to speak.

As for the spitting, I have never spit publicly into anything other than a discreetly held tissue. There is no need to be disgusting about it. If he accuses you of nagging, just keep it up because it's awful, and a health hazard. If he's sick, he needs medicine, if he's not, he needs to manage his effluvia better.

hackmum he has the odd friends/work evening out where he goes a bit kerazee (in a middle aged Dad way!) but not a problem, no. Just maybe a bit tiresome (I'm teetotal). I was worried about him a couple of years so maybe it was that?? In which case you have a VERY good memory!

He did acknowledge last night though that social drinking/smoking/overeating won't be helping at all. Which is good. I do think there is some other explanation though.

JumpingJackSprat Tue 19-Nov-13 17:44:59

Im glad he is taking you seriously because if my DP did that, specially doing it ON me I think I want to kill him. Some dirty little gobshite spat like that on my schoolbag at school once. I should have retaliated by puking on him.

hackmum Tue 19-Nov-13 17:39:41

OP, is your DP the one who has an alcohol problem? Or am I confusing you with someone else?

Just thought there might be a connection. It is indeed revolting - yanbu.

EvenBetter Tue 19-Nov-13 17:31:27

That is ab.so.lutely. disgusting
Even if he did have a medical condition he didn't bother his hole to sort it out himself like an adult. And he can control it. An he spat on you

I heave anytime I see some filth merchant hawking phlegm in the street, I can believe women who have sex with such creatures exist!! (Obviously excluding CF sufferers an people with actual medical problems, although I'm sure they wouldn't do what OPs husband does)

whois Tue 19-Nov-13 16:59:04

That is fucking gross. Coughing up is to be done in the bathroom only behind closed doors!

Can't believe he coughed up phlegm on your head in his sleep! EWWWWWWW

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay Tue 19-Nov-13 16:25:32

A while ago I worked with a woman that was quite pretty (but a bit opinionated) and was always moaning about the fact that she couldn't keep a boyfriend for more than a date or two. Then she did what you have described (but without the spitting bit) and I thought, 'Mmmm...there's yer answer love! She did it a lot - boak!

valiumredhead Tue 19-Nov-13 16:23:26

I'd go along the 'if you ever want sex again you'll stop this immediately!' routewink

manticlimactic Tue 19-Nov-13 16:16:28

Glad he's realised and is off to the docs though smile

manticlimactic Tue 19-Nov-13 16:16:06

out the car window shock

That, along with the rest of the 'receptacles', is awful. If my OH(if I had one) did this he'd soon stop as I'd be throwing up every time he did it <retch>

SueDoku Tue 19-Nov-13 16:00:15

Just a quick mention to say that your original OP talked about him being overweight and snoring - your GP might want to refer him to a sleep apnoea clinic to investigate, as this would tie in with the other symptoms and can be quite serious... hmm

BlinkeyBlimey Tue 19-Nov-13 15:21:00

On your head? shock

Objection Tue 19-Nov-13 15:19:19

Start doing it yourself smile or develop and equally disgusting habit and making it a disgusting habit war.

mitchsta Tue 19-Nov-13 14:27:44

I seem to get lots of phlegm in the evenings. I'm sure it's related to the heating being on/temperature as I used to get it in my friend's car when the heating was on full blast. Although our heating is set fairly low and it doesn't happen every evening, so I'm really not sure what the cause is. Anyway, it does result in quite a lot of throat clearing, which I'm sure is annoying enough for my OH, but I would never, ever, EVER hoik it up and then gob it out. There's just no need. It's disgusting and a really bad example to set your kids.

I constantly have to slap my OH's hand when I see him fiddling around down his pants. When he claims it's normal/natural, etc I have to point out that he never does it when we're with our parents or other couples, etc. Just me. So he gets a slap.

reelingintheyears Tue 19-Nov-13 13:24:01

Oh good Lord, stab him, repeatedly.

That is vile.

Right. Well, it has been a constructive 24 hours on the phlegm front, kicked off by all the hardline support here! Galvanised, I went into polite battle.

He is seeing the GP next week, and an ENT consultant the week after. Hallelujah.

I asked whether it would be helpful for me to write a list of what I observed his symptoms to be and, using that pretext, had a little word about the gobbing. I said it just wasn't natural. he said 'really?' Er, NOOOOO DP. He claimed not to be aware of it most of the time. I said therefore I would point it out to him when he did it smile.

Last night I heard him creep into the bathroom, shut the door, and run the shower to disguise the noise of the hoiking.

This is all a good start as regards the house training. So thank you good women of MN grin.

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