...to be slightly repulsed by DP?

(85 Posts)

OK, I laughed this off at first. And I am TRYING to be understanding. But it's actually getting seriously impactful now.

DP, about 6 months ago, developed this really weird habit. I had thought it was just because he had a cold. He basically grunts really loudly (I mean REALLY loudly) and hoiks up all the phlegm in his mouth, and then gobs it all (even more loudly) in the nearest receptacle. Repeatedly.

He does it in earshot of guests (though, tellingly, not his DPs). In front of the twins (so they have started copying the noise, which he just finds amusing). He does it A LOT first thing in the morning during his ablutions. And - which is where it's impacting - last thing at night. I'm trying soooo hard to ignore it, but it doesn't make for a Barry White moment. It's actually making my skin crawl and my teeth shiver and it's REALLY REALLY hard to fancy him and leap into his arms when he comes to bed.

Once, in his sleep, he even did it on my head. I jest not. That was a new low...

I've tried mentioning it in a non-naggy way only to be dismissed. I once even read out an article about things we find disgusting and why, which included chesty things like this, because at a subconscious level we see it as a sign of illness and therefore find it physically repellent because we don't want to be infected.

Do you think he IS ill? Do normal people have that amount of phlegm/catarrh? He doesn't have a cough/wheeze. He IS overweight (which doesn't help either, and he also SNORES like a particularly choked up walrus).

How can I make him aware of it? A bit more discreet? Just to TONE IT DOWN A BIT? I really don't want to be whingey, because I'm not like that at all, and I'm sure I have my own irritating habits. But he genuinely would get more action if he could just STOP BEING SO DISGUSTING!

Suggestions ladies please. Has anyone else had this or similar? How did you gently get them to desist?

sparklysilversequins Mon 18-Nov-13 09:30:50

I felt sick just reading that. I would find it extremely hard to live with.

I would say "I find you deeply unattractive when you do that, it's really poor manners, please see a doctor"

Sounds like he could have allergies. Is he asthmatic by any chance?

Peekingduck Mon 18-Nov-13 09:34:24

I would literally heave if anyone was constantly doing that around me. He needs to go to the doctor. It's not just the possibility of a physical problem though really is it? It's his total lack of consideration for you and others around him. I find it very telling that he doesn't do it when his parents are present, which seems to indicate he does it deliberately and hasn't got any physical reason. I think he's just being a filthy, nasty, inconsiderate git.
In which case... what does that mean in terms of respect in your marriage?
How bloody horrible for you.

Peekingduck Mon 18-Nov-13 09:35:41

p.s. I'd also find it almost impossible to have a sexual relationship, constantly wondering if he was going to do that revolting thing at some point.
He sounds a real prize. sad

SaucyJack Mon 18-Nov-13 09:35:51

I think you need to separate his physical phlegm problem from his really anti-social way of dealing with it.

He can't help the first, but he can absolutely help the second and don't feel bad about telling him.

Joysmum Mon 18-Nov-13 09:38:43

There's 2 issues here, firstly the medical issue and I'd be advising he visit a doctor if it's been going on for any length of time.

Secondly is the manners and consideration of others issue. I'd not accept that behaviour and distance myself from him explaining it makes me feel sick and that his lack of consideration for my feelings was the most upsetting aspect of it all.

If that sorted the issue, all well and good. If he continued to deliberately dismiss my feelings I'd then see it as disrespectful and a sign if something seriously wrong in his attitude towards me and our relationship and that would escalate things for me. We'd be in real trouble.

steppemum Mon 18-Nov-13 09:38:49

Tell him, very honestly, sit down and say just what you have said in your OP. I would even say 'you don't do it in front of your DPs, which suggests that you know it isn't on'

If it is a problem, he needs to see GP if it is a habit, he needs to know that it is affecting your sex life. He will be shocked at that (hopefully) so it should be a wake up call.

I would be nice, admit that you know neither of you are perfect, don't want to hurt his feelings, but he needs to know.

The allergy thought's an interesting one. And even if that's not the case, suggesting I think he might be ill gives me 'permission' to bring it up in a 'nice' way, I guess. Plus the nookie bit.

He really is so considerate about almost everything else, it's quite odd. Like this morning I got greeted with a coffee in bed and the news he'd pushed back a meeting so he could drive me and the girls to nursery because it's chucking it down.

(Sorry, am doing what I HATE, which is OPs slating their partner's behaviour and then leaping to their defence!! I say 'almost everything else' because there is a bit of a theme of other things which irritate me eg STUFF JUST LEFT LYING AROUND EVERYWHERE being dismissed when I mention it, though DMIL did bring his messiness/disrespect up too, which he mentioned to me, smiling and saying he'd had a telling off, so...)

nocarsgo Mon 18-Nov-13 09:54:10

The fact that he's afflicted with loads if phlegm is totally separate from the OTT and completely disgusting way he chooses to deal with it. It's absolutely repellent and shows he has no manners or class or respect for you and how it makes you feel.

FWIW my FIL is a bitter, twisted, anti-social nutcase and he does this. Every time I've ever stayed at the in laws' house over the last twelve years I've woken up to the sound of him snorting and hocking up phlegm in the bathroom. For ages. With the door open. He just doesn't give a shit about how disgusting it is because he's, well, not a very nice person.

lottiegarbanzo Mon 18-Nov-13 09:59:53

That makes me feel sick.

I'd be really blunt. It's disgusting and you're disgusted by it. I couldn't feel attracted to one one oung that and would say so. I'd also point out that he's too rude and disgusting to be taken anywhere and you'll be asking him to go out when you have friends round in future if he can't restrain himself. His choice!

Nagoo Mon 18-Nov-13 10:00:20

YANBU, it's disgusting. I work in a public place, and I asked a man to desist hawking up phlegm on the floor. He looked surprised to be asked to stop doing it. Why it is a shock to anyone that others are offended and disgusted by them gobbing all over the place is beyond my understanding.

Also, who gets to wash out the 'receptacle'? envy

BergholtStuttleyJohnson Mon 18-Nov-13 10:01:02

My DH does this, it makes me feel sick but he does have a reason for it, in his case it's to do with being born with a cleft lip and palette, he's more mucousy than most, I think it doesn't drain properly or something. I get really pissed off if dh does it front of me, if he goes to the bathroom that's fine. One thing I also remember is that it's not pleasant for him either. Medical reason or not though he shouldn't be doing it in front of people.

valiumredhead Mon 18-Nov-13 10:01:46

Ewwww, you are only SLIGHTLY repulsed by this?shock

get him to the doctors

scarletforya Mon 18-Nov-13 10:09:32

Why are you being so soft about this?

You're worried about nagging him? Seriously?

Read him the riot act. What he is doing is disgusting and totally unacceptable. Are you telling us he's spitting phlegm everywhere, even on you one time?

Jesus, op put your foot down.

steppemum Mon 18-Nov-13 10:11:46

Does he smoke? That could cause the excess phlegm.

DaddyPigsMistress Mon 18-Nov-13 10:33:12

No. Just no, its grim

Id have to leave the dirty bastard

Gosh, maybe I AM too soft!! Are you genuinely this firm with your other halves??

He doesn't do it all over the place BTW. Just in various loos with, like nocarsgo's FIL, the doors ajar. And in waste paper baskets. And the kitchen sink. And out the car window...

Euuuuuuugggghhhhhhh....

Sparrowghost Mon 18-Nov-13 10:40:57

KITCHEN SINK?!?!? OMFG!!!

TheCrumpetQueen Mon 18-Nov-13 10:41:40

He gobbed on your head? LTB

TooExtraImmatureCheddar Mon 18-Nov-13 10:42:51

He did it on your head, OP! Ewwwww! I am not that tough with DH but something like this I would have to say something - assuming I had not screamed loudly and shrieked 'that's disgusting! Get away from me!' when he did it on my head. Which I would have done, because ewwwwwwww.

steppemum Mon 18-Nov-13 10:43:37

well, yes I would be that firm, if it is something disgusting like this.
I have been really cross and firm over one or two things which are hygiene, manners.

There is a place, it is in the bathroom with the door shut. Not sink/waste basket (yuck) or out of car window.

I really think he needs to see GP though as he does seem to have a lot of phlegm.

DaddyPigsMistress Mon 18-Nov-13 10:44:08

I honestly truly belives spitters should have their faces rubbed in the spit.its fucking dirty.

Spiiting on the street is horrific.

I come over all 'hang the fuckers' when i see someone doing it

forgetmenots Mon 18-Nov-13 10:46:39

Boak. No, I'm with the hard liners OP. Would he like you doing it? If not, then get him told.

bundaberg Mon 18-Nov-13 10:47:22

that is really disgusting! the fact that he doesn't do it when his parents are around shows quite clearly that he can control it and is choosing to do it.

if he claims he "needs" to do it then send him to the bloody doctor

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