Husband vs my parents situation

(571 Posts)
bountyicecream Sun 17-Nov-13 17:12:25

This is something that happened a year ago but we are currently going through marriage counselling and this keeps been brought up. It is clear that the counsellors opinion is with my husband on this and so I'm really questioning whether I'm right at all.

So 18 months ago my husband had a falling out with my parents. 9 months before this situation happened. It was over a trivial thing as these things so often are. Basically my husband felt that I should have supported him when he objected to something ( minor) that my mum was doing with out dd. She was pre- loading the spoons when dd was eating, h felt that dd should be doing it herself ( we were blw). Anyway I didn't think it warranted the rebuke that my h gave to my mum, and so h stormed off as I was 'siding with her'.

During marriage counselling it has become apparent that h feels I have never supported him and have always allowed my parents to influence me. I dispute this as I feel I am v independent. I actually feel I have a much close relationship than many of my friends do with their parents. We only speak every couple of weeks and see each other monthly. I've never been on for discussing personal things with her.

Anyway the big issue came at dd's 2nd birthday party a year ago. I hired a hall and invited 7 other children and their parents plus both sets of grandparents. H's parents didn't come (predictably although I'd have loved them to be there). H refused to come if my parents were there.

My parents agreed to be polite and friendly but not try to discuss any issues or heal the rift in public.

H refused to come unless I uninvited them.

I didn't uninvite my parents. I felt that the party was about dd, not my husband, and that she would love to have her grandparents there.

I counselling h has gone on about how I excluded him from dd's party. I used to reply that he excluded himself as he was always welcome. If my parents had refused to come if h was there then obviously I would have told them not to come. Bt they didn't. They were willing to be friendly for dd's sake.

So this is being trotted out as an example of where I put my secondary family before my primary family. Normally I would say that dads are more important than grandparents and that primary family does come first.

Should I have backed down over this and uninvited my parents. This was the first time I'd ever stood up to my husband. And now he bangs on about it as the thing that has hurt him most ever in his life.

The counsellor just reinforces that primary family is more important than secondary family, which I do agree with, so WIBU here?

Sorry so long

bountyicecream Sun 17-Nov-13 17:13:38

Should say "much less close relationship with my parents"

tickingboxes Sun 17-Nov-13 17:14:25

You shouldn't have to feel like you have to choose between any of your family. IMO the counsellor is talking bollocks.

Is your DH normally this controlling, OP? Does he try and influence who you see/what you do in other areas of your life?

Morgause Sun 17-Nov-13 17:14:48

No you weren't he's an arse.

I'm really surprised the counsellor thought his POV was reasonable.

Twirlychair Sun 17-Nov-13 17:16:11

Why wasn't your husband involved in planning the party?

bountyicecream Sun 17-Nov-13 17:16:13

He can be quite controlling. Mostly about seeing my family. I have been wavering as to whether he is emotionally abusive. Often I think he is. I have been on the EA support thread a lot

Tee2072 Sun 17-Nov-13 17:16:25

If I was your counselor I would say 'you're all acting like children, you all need to grow the fuck up.'

Which is why I am not a counselor of any sort.

Seriously, this is stupid on all sides. Yours. Your husband's. Your parent's.

It was over nothing. Move on, all of you.

basgetti Sun 17-Nov-13 17:16:42

You shouldn't have to side with your husband when he is being a manipulative arse.

Tryingteacher Sun 17-Nov-13 17:17:19

He's pissed off at his own parents and is taking it out on your parents, perhaps?

Thurlow Sun 17-Nov-13 17:20:06

He sounds like an arse. Falling out with his in-laws over something as minor as pre-loading a spoon? Stupid. I'd have been furious if DP had actually fallen out with my parents, independently of me. But to see that as enough reason to not invite them to your DD's party is pretty awful.

I don't think it's stupid on all sides as you shouldn't have to worry about upsetting your husband over something as trivial as this. That's not normal adult behaviour from him.

kalidanger Sun 17-Nov-13 17:21:20

Is this an example if why MN generally says that going to counselling with abusive partners should be avoided?

He's EA, he's controlling, and the counsellor has now given him official and professional justification plus some new jargon to use as a stick to beat you further.

Please go back to the EA support thread thanks I think you'll get a lot of misunderstanding in Aibu.

bountyicecream Sun 17-Nov-13 17:22:11

twirly he wasn't that fussed in parties at things at that age. Tbh he struggled a lot with the baby years. This year he has been much more involved in the party planning. The first party I forced him to come saying he should be at dd's 1st party and he hated it and sat in the corner feeling miserable.

I probably should have consulted him about the guest list before sending out invitations. But I knew he would most likely veto my parents. ( he did this year)

fuzzywuzzy Sun 17-Nov-13 17:22:12

Your husband sounds abusive and controlling, why would you be you're to someone who's filling up a toddlers spoon with food at mealtime, saves a lot of mess and faffing if he didn't like it he could have spoken to your mum nicely or fed your dd himself.

You sound like you have barely much contact with your parents anyway.

Whys the counsellor taking the side of a grown man who the a hissy fit and deprived his child of his presence during her birthday? Did you explain it to her?

WooWooOwl Sun 17-Nov-13 17:23:34

Tbh, I think you should have supported your husband over the BLW thing and the party.

You say your the party was about your dd and she would have wanted her grandparents there, but wouldn't she also have wanted her Dad there? Her father is more important that her grandparents.

If your DH is telling you that he feels like unsupported as a parent and as if you think your family are more important to his child than he is, then you need to listen to that.

If you are just going to insist that he's wrong to feel that way then there really isn't any point in you going to counselling. How both of you feels is valid, and it's what has to be dealt with.

Twirlychair Sun 17-Nov-13 17:23:42

We'll if wasn't prepared to participate in the donkey work he can't get the hump when it's not done how he'd like it, can he....

bountyicecream Sun 17-Nov-13 17:25:32

Thanks kali. I have a fairly thick skin! I know the EA thread will say that I was right, but they kind of know me now. I really need to see if there is any way that my judgement is wrong as I'm so surprised that the counsellor feels that h was totally n the right here. I'm trying to understand that view point and thought people won't be afraid of giving me an answer I don't like here

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 17-Nov-13 17:28:13

When he had a dig at your mother did she then say anything along the lies of "fuck off you useless <insert any isum at all> cunt"

If so I understand his reaction,if not then he's a manipulative twat.

WhoNickedMyName Sun 17-Nov-13 17:28:47

How many times do women post on here about trivial shit issues with their in-laws and not feeling supported by their partners.

They're nearly always told that their partners need to "grow a backbone", "man up", "grow some balls" and support the poster, their life partner over their own parents, even if that means falling out with the parents.

bouncysmiley Sun 17-Nov-13 17:29:14

Your husband was being unreasonable making you choose but you should not have gone ahead with the party without him. Cancelling and doing something just as a family would have been preferable - at 2 dd would not feel she was missing out. Your husband is obviously feeling insecure and needs to know you are with him. Take the opportunity to acknowledge this but be clear on what you need from him, eg for him to be an adult and resolve things with your parents and never give you an ultimatum like that again. I am sorry you are going through this.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay Sun 17-Nov-13 17:29:17

Seriously? He expected you to un-invite your parents? He really needs to grow a set and stop whining at counselling meetings ffs. Falling out with your DPs over this is ridiculous. He should be making it his lifes work to not fall out with them over anything really but this? MMMMM....

Are you quite sure the counsellor said that? confused

I just can't imagine saying the words 'your primary family always comes first'.

Ask him/her what they meant.

Get a different therapist.

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 17-Nov-13 17:30:48

Out of interest with the spoon incident what did he say to her?

diddl Sun 17-Nov-13 17:31:19

From what you've put, I think that you should have supported him on the BLW tbh.

Did he ask you to say something but you didn't-therefore he chose to himself?

As for the party-don't your parents sound magnanimous-whilst all the time knowing he wouldn't go if they did!

basgetti Sun 17-Nov-13 17:31:24

WhoNickedMyName, I doubt any woman would get much support on these boards if she wanted to dis-invite her MIL from her child's birthday party because she pre loaded a spoon instead of following BLW.

bountyicecream Sun 17-Nov-13 17:32:54

woo I accept that I should have supported my husband over the blw thing. The annoying thing is that I had seen him doing the very same thing with dd before. The counsellor is very big on saying marriage should be "us against the world" and so I realise now that in that situation I should have supported him publically and the in private discussed whether his reaction was ott

I agree that her father is more important than her gps. But if h had sucked it up and agreed to tolerate 2 hrs in a room with my parents then she could have had everyone there. If my parents had refused to come with h there then obviously I would have told them that they couldn't come

I do listen when he feels that I don't support him. The problem is that he is used to a very different level of contact with his parents. They maybe speak and see each other 3-4 times per year. He would call me phoning for a chat pointless as I shouldn't be telling them private information such as where we've been on holidays, what dd has been saying, doing etc. to me that is just normal friendly chit chat. I'm never discussing what I would regard a personal matters. I've really tried to support him. I used to send a fw holiday pictures to our parents, siblings etc but have stopped as h felt this was personal stuff just for us.

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