Should I breakup with boyfriend who is not ready for kids

(110 Posts)
Hellokitty00 Sat 16-Nov-13 18:10:32

I am 32 and my boy-friend of 2.5 years is 5 years younger than I am.
2 years ago I fell pregnant and as we were both not ready, I had an abortion. I have regretted this decision ever since.
Then earlier ths year I was very unwell for a period and during this time discovered I was pregnant. I was delighted and surprised and wanted to keep it, however my boy-friend did not and became a monster, becoming quite verbally unpleasant. He pleaaded and begged for me to have another abortion saying we would have kids in 2 years time, not having any consideration for what risks there may be, and after realising I would not give in, he threatened to leave me and said some very hurtful things. The stress was immense from the constant arguing and I miscarried.
Becoming pregnant again has awaken my biological clock and now I have such a strong urge for children and am terrified of leaving it much longer as I am not a spring chicken.
I asked him about kids and he now says that he does not know when he will be ready for kids, and that the whole "2 years time" nonsense was said in panic. But that he definately wants kids with me in the future.
He thinks that everything has gone back to normal and that we can just carry on as before however I am offended how against our baby he was, and my parents has expressed that I should have more self esteem and find a better man who will look after me in the emotional sense, as my current boy-friend is like a teenage boy who never grew up.
However I am in love and I do believe that he is in love with me. We are both British but met working abroad. He gave up his job and moved to my city to be together / we h ave shared so much. But I know in my heart that we have no future because of the baby situation, but I am scared of the heart ache and loneliness that will follow if I break up with him. We live together and it will tear me apart seeing him go.
I am crying as I write this. I would like to bear from other ladies who were/Are in simular situations and how you got through it.
Thanks x

DazzleU Tue 26-Nov-13 10:21:36

Op I think you should talk to a good counsellor about your low self esteem and why all your relationships may have been with men who have not been good people

^^This.

And think why are you so scared to be by yourself? It would certainly be easier to be by yourself than be a single parent few years down the line especially if ex is awkward.

You are 32 there is plenty of time for motherhood. Though not if you wait round years for someone who doesn't value you and is clearly stringing you along with the whole will have DC at some point thing.

Perhaps you should see the whole thing as a challenge and look at all areas of your current life - is there something you desperately want to do before or that could be easier before motherhood like travel - live somewhere else, change careers. Now could be that time for that change as well. Stop settling.

shewhowines Tue 26-Nov-13 08:50:21

Are you more scared of being on your own or are you more scared of never being a mother? Only you can decide.

Of course the third outcome is that you leave it too late to have kids and then he leaves you anyway.

OTheHugeManatee Tue 26-Nov-13 08:34:56

You need to tell him to leave. Or better still, bag up his stuff and leave it on the drive. I don't think he will start taking your wishes and needs seriously unless you make him.

samandi Tue 26-Nov-13 08:11:36

He's still there, sadly, because he doesn't have a better option to move to.

This.

And in his mind kids are still off the cards.

Slatecross Mon 25-Nov-13 22:15:57

He's still there, sadly, because he doesn't have a better option to move to. Honestly you need to bin him.

Anyone who leaves you wondering what's happening, has just taken all the power in the relationship. How about you call the shots for a change?

Hellokitty00 Mon 25-Nov-13 22:11:17

So I had the 'chat' with BF, said I am keen to kids and that I love him but cannot wait for him if he is unsure when he'll be ready. Said I was still angry at how he reacted, also that I never felt I got closure on losing the baby. He got upset and said he needed to move out. Then about 10 mins later he hugged me and said he loved me. So for past few days we've been just carrying on as normal ! So now I'm confused where we are with relationship and obviously haven't resolved anything!

Yes, having children was my husband's idea too. I had to be persuaded! Plenty of men are keen to have children.

PoppyFleur Fri 22-Nov-13 17:03:48

OP - the pain of ending a relationship is minimal to the pain of not having a child. If you desire a family then I think you know this isn't the relationship that will give you what you want.

32 yrs is not old, end this relationship soon & you have ample opportunity to meet a better man to have a family with. Many men want a family, my husband was far keener than I to have a child.

Good luck!

IfNotNowThenWhen Fri 22-Nov-13 16:12:59

" If you're greedy you don't stuff yourself with chocolate all day, just because you like it?"

I do actually! grin

fromparistoberlin Fri 22-Nov-13 14:48:33

everyone has said what needed to be said

good luck OP, be happy and LTB

I am sorry you have been through this x

mitchsta Fri 22-Nov-13 14:26:53

Sorry, but not that many men honestly want kids.

What an absurd thing to say. If you were trying to provoke a reaction, then congratulations. Otherwise, I agree with samandi - it sounds like you're making a massive generalisation based on your own experiences. In my experience, men do want kids. I include my own OH when I say that. We do not currently have children.

we don't have to put up with babies everywhere everywhere? Really? Babies everywhere?!? What should we 'put up' with? Taxing paying, working aged, high earning professionals? Never gonna happen, I'm afraid.

OP I can see how it might seem scary to see all the responses on here too. But I really hope it helps you to see that you can make positive changes to your life now by making a clean break from this man.

Lambzig Fri 22-Nov-13 09:10:29

I think we should ignore Sugarmouse and focus on supporting the OP.

It must be scary and seeing almost unanimous views on your thread, but it doesn't sound as if this relationship is going to give you what you want in life. Please be optimistic about a different future and get away from this man who clearly doesn't love you.

samandi Fri 22-Nov-13 08:38:28

Sugarmouse - well, presumably THOSE men didn't want kids. Perhaps that has been your only experience due to your demographic/the kind of circles you move in. In my demographic/social circles, most men in relationships do want kids - often more than the women.

There are also lots of men and women who don't want kids of course. Many women also find themselves pressurised to have kids by their male partners and families.

waterrat Thu 21-Nov-13 21:06:25

Op I think you should talk to a good counsellor about your low self esteem and why all your relationships may have been with men who have not been good people

This man turned nasty at your most vulnerable point - he knows you want children and has been dishonest and uncaring about this

He is not a good person and if your parents are telling you to leave then I bet you are also ignoring many ba points because of your own self esteem

Please get some help to get away from him and begin again with a new confidence that there really are good men out there

Better to be single for a little while and thn meet the right person than throw your life away with a man you cannot trust

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot Thu 21-Nov-13 20:54:48

Your preaching about a strain on the NHS and society by having kids, have you contributed to that strain?

SugarMouse1 Thu 21-Nov-13 20:51:49

Why?

Feeling broody is a stupid reason to have a child. If you feel angry, you don't go and act on it, do you? If you're greedy you don't stuff yourself with chocolate all day, just because you like it?

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot Thu 21-Nov-13 20:48:59

I hope you dont have kids SugarMouse, otherwise you'd be a hypocrite.

Ullapull Thu 21-Nov-13 20:45:10

The leading cause of death in pregnant women? Being killed by their partner.

The red flags are there OP - please don't stay, the sooner you leave the sooner you can rebuild your life and your self esteem. So sorry about your pregnancies.

SugarMouse1 Thu 21-Nov-13 20:34:26

And just for the record 'feeling broody' is NOT a good enough reason to create human life. Why can't you think about what you can actually offer a child and actually think about other people, do we actually need any more mouths to feed in this economically fucked country?

SugarMouse1 Thu 21-Nov-13 20:31:36

Samandi-

Really? Well why are so many men trapped/ forced into becoming fathers and why do so many pay zero child support if they wanted kids?

SugarMouse1 Thu 21-Nov-13 20:29:54

BigBertha-

No, we don't, we could just invite more immigrants if that becomes the case. Much cheaper and we don't have to put up with babies everywhere

WoTmania Thu 21-Nov-13 18:42:50

It's amazing how people show their true colours in times of stress. He sounds like he has very little respect for you or consideration for your feelings.
If you really want children leave him and find someone who does want them. Otherwise I fear he'll keep moving the goalposts, promising you babies 'when he's ready' etc.

Blondeshavemorefun Thu 21-Nov-13 17:54:42

regardless if he turns round tomorrow and says he wants kids, and thats very unlikely, he isnt the man for you and no reason to stay with someone as you may not find better

you will easily find better thanks

and you are 32, which tbh is still young enough to find another man, have a year or two with him, then have kids

he is immature, he is only 27 and obv kids doesnt come into his agenda at the moment, but possibly will in 5 years, when he is your age

sorry to hear about your mc sad but dont let that be a reason to stay with a man who obv doesnt love you

FortyDoorsToNowhere Thu 21-Nov-13 16:34:02

Reported sugarmouse post, what a goady post

zatyaballerina Thu 21-Nov-13 15:50:28

SugarMouse; that's bollocks, I know more than a few men who really want children, men can be just as broody as women, it's just a matter of meeting the right person.

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