Should I breakup with boyfriend who is not ready for kids

(110 Posts)
Hellokitty00 Sat 16-Nov-13 18:10:32

I am 32 and my boy-friend of 2.5 years is 5 years younger than I am.
2 years ago I fell pregnant and as we were both not ready, I had an abortion. I have regretted this decision ever since.
Then earlier ths year I was very unwell for a period and during this time discovered I was pregnant. I was delighted and surprised and wanted to keep it, however my boy-friend did not and became a monster, becoming quite verbally unpleasant. He pleaaded and begged for me to have another abortion saying we would have kids in 2 years time, not having any consideration for what risks there may be, and after realising I would not give in, he threatened to leave me and said some very hurtful things. The stress was immense from the constant arguing and I miscarried.
Becoming pregnant again has awaken my biological clock and now I have such a strong urge for children and am terrified of leaving it much longer as I am not a spring chicken.
I asked him about kids and he now says that he does not know when he will be ready for kids, and that the whole "2 years time" nonsense was said in panic. But that he definately wants kids with me in the future.
He thinks that everything has gone back to normal and that we can just carry on as before however I am offended how against our baby he was, and my parents has expressed that I should have more self esteem and find a better man who will look after me in the emotional sense, as my current boy-friend is like a teenage boy who never grew up.
However I am in love and I do believe that he is in love with me. We are both British but met working abroad. He gave up his job and moved to my city to be together / we h ave shared so much. But I know in my heart that we have no future because of the baby situation, but I am scared of the heart ache and loneliness that will follow if I break up with him. We live together and it will tear me apart seeing him go.
I am crying as I write this. I would like to bear from other ladies who were/Are in simular situations and how you got through it.
Thanks x

fromparistoberlin Fri 22-Nov-13 14:48:33

everyone has said what needed to be said

good luck OP, be happy and LTB

I am sorry you have been through this x

IfNotNowThenWhen Fri 22-Nov-13 16:12:59

" If you're greedy you don't stuff yourself with chocolate all day, just because you like it?"

I do actually! grin

PoppyFleur Fri 22-Nov-13 17:03:48

OP - the pain of ending a relationship is minimal to the pain of not having a child. If you desire a family then I think you know this isn't the relationship that will give you what you want.

32 yrs is not old, end this relationship soon & you have ample opportunity to meet a better man to have a family with. Many men want a family, my husband was far keener than I to have a child.

Good luck!

Yes, having children was my husband's idea too. I had to be persuaded! Plenty of men are keen to have children.

Hellokitty00 Mon 25-Nov-13 22:11:17

So I had the 'chat' with BF, said I am keen to kids and that I love him but cannot wait for him if he is unsure when he'll be ready. Said I was still angry at how he reacted, also that I never felt I got closure on losing the baby. He got upset and said he needed to move out. Then about 10 mins later he hugged me and said he loved me. So for past few days we've been just carrying on as normal ! So now I'm confused where we are with relationship and obviously haven't resolved anything!

Slatecross Mon 25-Nov-13 22:15:57

He's still there, sadly, because he doesn't have a better option to move to. Honestly you need to bin him.

Anyone who leaves you wondering what's happening, has just taken all the power in the relationship. How about you call the shots for a change?

samandi Tue 26-Nov-13 08:11:36

He's still there, sadly, because he doesn't have a better option to move to.

This.

And in his mind kids are still off the cards.

OTheHugeManatee Tue 26-Nov-13 08:34:56

You need to tell him to leave. Or better still, bag up his stuff and leave it on the drive. I don't think he will start taking your wishes and needs seriously unless you make him.

shewhowines Tue 26-Nov-13 08:50:21

Are you more scared of being on your own or are you more scared of never being a mother? Only you can decide.

Of course the third outcome is that you leave it too late to have kids and then he leaves you anyway.

DazzleU Tue 26-Nov-13 10:21:36

Op I think you should talk to a good counsellor about your low self esteem and why all your relationships may have been with men who have not been good people

^^This.

And think why are you so scared to be by yourself? It would certainly be easier to be by yourself than be a single parent few years down the line especially if ex is awkward.

You are 32 there is plenty of time for motherhood. Though not if you wait round years for someone who doesn't value you and is clearly stringing you along with the whole will have DC at some point thing.

Perhaps you should see the whole thing as a challenge and look at all areas of your current life - is there something you desperately want to do before or that could be easier before motherhood like travel - live somewhere else, change careers. Now could be that time for that change as well. Stop settling.

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