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AIBU?

Should I breakup with boyfriend who is not ready for kids

109 replies

Hellokitty00 · 16/11/2013 18:10

I am 32 and my boy-friend of 2.5 years is 5 years younger than I am.
2 years ago I fell pregnant and as we were both not ready, I had an abortion. I have regretted this decision ever since.
Then earlier ths year I was very unwell for a period and during this time discovered I was pregnant. I was delighted and surprised and wanted to keep it, however my boy-friend did not and became a monster, becoming quite verbally unpleasant. He pleaaded and begged for me to have another abortion saying we would have kids in 2 years time, not having any consideration for what risks there may be, and after realising I would not give in, he threatened to leave me and said some very hurtful things. The stress was immense from the constant arguing and I miscarried.
Becoming pregnant again has awaken my biological clock and now I have such a strong urge for children and am terrified of leaving it much longer as I am not a spring chicken.
I asked him about kids and he now says that he does not know when he will be ready for kids, and that the whole "2 years time" nonsense was said in panic. But that he definately wants kids with me in the future.
He thinks that everything has gone back to normal and that we can just carry on as before however I am offended how against our baby he was, and my parents has expressed that I should have more self esteem and find a better man who will look after me in the emotional sense, as my current boy-friend is like a teenage boy who never grew up.
However I am in love and I do believe that he is in love with me. We are both British but met working abroad. He gave up his job and moved to my city to be together / we h ave shared so much. But I know in my heart that we have no future because of the baby situation, but I am scared of the heart ache and loneliness that will follow if I break up with him. We live together and it will tear me apart seeing him go.
I am crying as I write this. I would like to bear from other ladies who were/Are in simular situations and how you got through it.
Thanks x

OP posts:

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IneedAsockamnesty · 16/11/2013 18:11

How about you just leave him because he's a manipulative cunt.

expatinscotland · 16/11/2013 18:12

You need to leave now. Don't waste anymore time on him.

VikingVagine · 16/11/2013 18:15

Good god woman, have you actually read your OP? What a nasty cunt he sounds.

BadgersRetreat · 16/11/2013 18:15

He sounds very unpleasant and childish. Hardly great husband and father material. Leave him and find a nice man who treats you properly, this one's a twat

Tulip26 · 16/11/2013 18:15

Sounds like my ex who wouldn't even give me a hug after I had a miscarriage - for two months! He said he "didn't want me to get pregnant again."? I left him. I suggest you give him an ultimatum - you have a baby or you're leaving. And mean it. Life is too short.

WorraLiberty · 16/11/2013 18:17

I'm sorry but if he treats you like that while you believe he loves you, I'd hate to think how he treats people he doesn't claim to love.

Read your OP back...it's all about him.

He really doesn't sound as though he gives a shit

KatAndKit · 16/11/2013 18:19

I wouldn't bother with the ultimatum. Find someone else, don't get him to become a reluctant parent.

Wallison · 16/11/2013 18:21

Do you really want to have children with this man? I mean, with him as a person? As in, have him as a role model, a guide through life, responsible for their needs, helping them to fulfil their desires? Because from where I'm sitting, he doesn't really sound up to the job. You must be feeling emotionally battered by the miscarriage and his response to it and it doesn't sound like he is supportive at all. He might have moved to be with you, but is he really life partner material? If you think he is (and I have to say that he doesn't sound it), then stay. But really you know what the answer is. It's hard, and tough, and scary, but you would be better off on your own and then you at least stand a fighting chance of finding a decent, kind life partner.

MistressDeeCee · 16/11/2013 18:22

Reading your post made me quite sad, OP. Listen to your parents. Also think: what advice would you give to a very good friend who was in this situation? Im pretty sure you'd tell her to leave, wouldnt you? There are good men out there but you wont meet them if you waste your good years on an insensitive, callous waste of space.

ccsays · 16/11/2013 18:24

I was delighted and surprised and wanted to keep it, however my boy-friend did not and became a monster, becoming quite verbally unpleasant. He pleaaded and begged for me to have another abortion saying we would have kids in 2 years time, not having any consideration for what risks there may be, and after realising I would not give in, he threatened to leave me and said some very hurtful things.

This is why you should leave him. It's emotionally abusive behaviour.

However I am in love and I do believe that he is in love with me

He's not. Someone who loved you would not treat you like this. Someone once said to me that a good rule is not to have kids with someone that you wouldn't be proud to have a child like. Would you be proud to have a son that treats someone like this?

MySiamese · 16/11/2013 18:25

Good god what an awful man.

Yes you should break up with him.

StanleyLambchop · 16/11/2013 18:27

my boy-friend did not and became a monster, becoming quite verbally unpleasant.

Read that bit back to yourself, and then ask yourself if he would be any great loss? Do not have a baby with this man. Your parents are right. There are nice men out there!

tickingboxes · 16/11/2013 18:28

That's terrible, I'm so sorry OP.

My DP is the same age as your boyfriend, if it's any comparison. I'm also a bit older. He ideally doesn't want kids just yet but I know he would never force me to have an abortion and he says what I do with my own body is my business. If I accidentally or not-so-accidentally fall pregnant I know he would stand by me.

You need to find yourself a man with strength of character and someone who will stand by you no matter what happens.

HRHLadyG · 16/11/2013 18:28

Please find the courage to leave this 'man'. He will not change. You don't want to build a life with someone who appears to disregard your feelings. You owe it to yourself and your future to give yourself better than this.
Would you really want him to be the father of your children?
Everything you need to be healthy and happy is within you....be strong x

PresidentServalan · 16/11/2013 18:28

Some people will never be emotionally ready for children - you need to leave him.

BigBoobiedBertha · 16/11/2013 18:30

He sounds awful but don't listen to a bunch of strangers on the internet. Presumably your parents have met him and they know you. Listen to what they are telling you. They are right from what you have said. It will hurt horribly to break up but then again, think about whether you will still be in love with this man 10 years from now, when you don't have children (he doesn't want them, you can count on that) and you are most likely too old to have any with anybody else. That would be worse surely? To have wasted all that time and your chance for children on somebody who doesn't want the same things as you.

fifi669 · 16/11/2013 18:31

Not sure why you want a child with him? You say yourself he's like an overgrown teenager.

That said I wanted and had a child with a ridiculous choice if man myself so I won't judge too harshly!

SueDoku · 16/11/2013 18:31

He. Does. Not. Love. You. He loves himself.

I'm sorry, but please, please look at what you have written - and LTB.

wherethewildthingis · 16/11/2013 18:35

He sounds horrible, you should definitely get rid of him.

monkeynuts123 · 16/11/2013 19:46

Do not have children with this man. I am sorry for your losses. Go and meet the right person and have babies together.

harticus · 16/11/2013 19:49

Do not stay with this man.
And when you do leave him slap a warning notice on him so that other poor women don't have to put up with his shite.

LaurieFairyCake · 16/11/2013 19:50

Unless you're Cruella de Ville you deserve better.

He's an absolute turd. Leave.

You've wasted enough time on this man.

Justforlaughs · 16/11/2013 19:52

Someone once said to me that a good rule is not to have kids with someone that you wouldn't be proud to have a child like. Would you be proud to have a son that treats someone like this?

^^ this. He might have redeeming features, he might not. People on this page tend to post when they are emotional or just want other people to agree with them, but nothing in your OP suggests that I would ever want my own child to turn out like this man. Do you?

PiratePanda · 16/11/2013 19:54

Your OP is chilling. Your boyfriend is HORRIBLE. Please take everyone's advice and leave now. There are plenty of decent men out there who'd love to start a family, and if not it's completely possible to do it on your own.

Girlwhoplayedwithsapphire · 16/11/2013 20:22

Yes leave him while you can still find your happiness....., before he eventually leaves you, marries someone else and has 6 kids with them

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