AIBU to be "Difficult" ; and "Demanding" ; Over my Brother's Wedding?

(133 Posts)
FixItUpChappie Fri 15-Nov-13 04:29:56

My one and only sibling is getting married. When he was visiting us in late summer we were out to dinner and chatted about some of his venue ideas…they were considering his fiancée’s home town, where they currently reside and were considering somewhere abroad. When he mentioned Mexico, I diplomatically said that he is the only person in the world I would consider going to Mexico for as I have a lot of safety concerns about bring the children to Mexico (not to derail the thread over debates on the merits of Mexico!). It was a light conversation over possibilities, a ribbing over me being a worrywart etc – nothing had been decided or even looked into in the slightest.

We’ve now been notified that the wedding will be in Hawaii in just over a year. My mum is totally stressed about the cost. She looked into fares and called to inform me that an 8+ hour flight to Hawaii will cost DH and I upwards of $6000 with the kids (who will be 2 and 4 years respectively) – not including hotel, food, transport etc, etc. She took it upon herself to email him that she was worried about the cost especially for my family and about the travel (she has never travelled outside North America and has some mobility issues).

He apparently immediately called her on the angry offensive advising they are giving plenty of notice, that nobody else has any problems with the plan – just us. To object is to be “difficult” and “demanding” apparently. That it wouldn’t be so expensive if I hadn’t vetoed Mexico shockhmm. He pointed out his fiancée’s sister has young children and has no issue with attending. He suggested a range of ideas for me and DH coming without the kids (not going to happen) or me going alone and basically advised that he wants expects his only sister to be there.

This is so much pressure. I think there is no way in hell we will be able to save up the required amount. Even my going alone will be a huge financial pressure. I personally have no desire to be that far from my young children either TBH. I am at the tail end of my 2nd maternity leave in 3 years….we are up to our nose hairs in debt.

I know the cardinal rule of Destinations weddings is fine as long as there is no pressure for guests to attend…but what about the burden on immediate family?! I just think it’s massively selfish. Ahh! I don’t want to miss my brother’s wedding or cause strife but seriously – this is just an incredible burden on us! AIBU to even consider not going?

Inertia Fri 15-Nov-13 07:03:58

If he expects you to attend he needs to have his wedding somewhere you can afford to go to, or he can pay. Don't get over your heads in debt to accede to his demands and petulance. Why can't they honeymoon in Hawaii?

SatinSandals Fri 15-Nov-13 07:05:01

I wouldn't get into an argument, just say that much as you would love to go you can't afford it ad leave it at that. If he argues just keep calm and say 'sorry, we don't have the money' and repeat as necessary.

He cannot expect anything of you that costs upwards of six grand, tell him to get a grip.

nooka Fri 15-Nov-13 07:06:59

We had a holiday in Hawaii last summer. It was not hugely expensive, and where we live (West Coast Canada) it's about as popular as Mexico at a fairly similar cost for a package. So the cost entirely depends on where you live and how much of a compromise you are prepared to make on how long it takes to get you there (we did three flights and it was quite painful!)

However if it's too expensive for the OP it's too expensive. My brother got married this year and it was a very expensive family trip for us (different circumstances as we moved abroad so were going 'home'). If we couldn't have taken the whole family I would have gone on my own - I wouldn't have missed my brother's wedding for the world. Bu then he's not have said anything except that he would miss me if I couldn't have gone for any reason.

Normalisavariantofcrazy Fri 15-Nov-13 07:36:48

My vote is on this being a bridezilla issue and he's just the mouth piece

PansOnFire Fri 15-Nov-13 07:44:36

I'd sit down with my brother and have this out. It probably does sound a bit bratty coming from your mum but once he sees you are trying to find a way to attend you might find he's more understanding. He's being completely unreasonable, I wonder what his fiancé thinks?

What is it about weddings that makes people forget all common and social decency? Just because a couple wish to spend loads on a wedding doesn't mean the guests also want to! Destination weddings are selfish for loads of reasons, the cost being only one of them.

FunkyBoldRibena Fri 15-Nov-13 07:51:59

I'd wait until i received an invite, then look at the costs and then either accept or send your apologies.

DeepThought Fri 15-Nov-13 08:32:07

Why is your Mum stirring? Does she have form for it?

WooWooOwl Fri 15-Nov-13 08:32:52

I feel for you, I'd hate to be in a position where I'd either have to get my family into more debt or miss my only brothers wedding.

I feel for your brother too. He probably does understand that it will be difficult for you but is being swept away by what his bride wants and is trying to keep her happy. If she is telling him that her family are happy to attend and that the destination wedding is what she wants more than anything, then your bother is being stuck in a difficult position.

If you really won't be able to go I think you need to tell him ASAP.

Strumpetron Fri 15-Nov-13 08:36:16

How is the mum 'stirring' isn't she allowed to discuss family issues with her daughter FFS?

OP I wouldn't go. It'd be far too much stress on yourself and your finances. He is being selfish and going mad at your for it is ridiculous.

NotYoMomma Fri 15-Nov-13 08:39:04

is he on smack or does he just want one?

tell him to jog on

Theodorous Fri 15-Nov-13 08:44:52

I would say it's massively selfish (and it is) but I personally rejoice at these situations. You don't have to go! All the tediousness and faff of other people's weddings avoided. Have a lovely day out instead and think of it as a lucky escape from what sounds like an up-it's-own-arse day.

Matchthecase Fri 15-Nov-13 08:47:30

YANBU.

I think there is no way in hell we will be able to save up the required amount. Even my going alone will be a huge financial pressure. I personally have no desire to be that far from my young children either TBH. I am at the tail end of my 2nd maternity leave in 3 years….we are up to our nose hairs in debt.

You can't afford to go, end of story. You need to tell him this. You will be putting your family in further debt by going that could take years to pay off. It's sad but you have to put your foot down and explain this to your brother.

flowery Fri 15-Nov-13 08:51:32

Normally I'd be saying, it's your brother, and however irritating, when it's a very close family member like that, you just deal with it, and pull whatever strings you can to be there.

However, expecting anyone to fork out that amount of money for someone else's wedding is absolutely beyond the pale. You simply cannot afford it. It's not a case of you wanting to prioritise other things. The money just isn't there. Simple.

His fiancée's sister may have no issue with attending, good for her, presumably she has no issue with finding that amount of money. That's not relevant to you.

I wouldn't be happy about your mum for taking it upon herself to contact your brother about it, but her motives were good and it doesn't alter the facts.

jenniferlawrence Fri 15-Nov-13 08:56:14

YANBU, he is. I usually think that family members should be supportive of what the bride and groom want as its their day but expecting you to travel around the world for a holiday is a different thing altogether.

I wouldn't want to feel forced into taking my family on a long haul trip and there's no way I'd go without them. If they really want to get married there and really want you to attend they'll have to help you pay for it.

I suspect they'll end up changing their plans as its unlikely many people will be able to afford it.

intitgrand Fri 15-Nov-13 08:59:38

'My vote is on this being a bridezilla issue and he's just the mouth piece'

'being swept away by what his bride wants'

Nowhere does he allude to it being the bride's decision! Shame on you and your mysogenist comments!!

DeepThought Fri 15-Nov-13 09:02:00

The Mum stirred by taking upon herself to email the brother bleating about cost then relayed the subsequent convo with DB back to OP remembering to include 'difficult' and 'demanding'. I bet OP would have spoken to her DB carefully and couched terms in a way so as to avoid or reduce upset and conflict.

Poor you OP. Look into the costs yourself, unsociable hours flight and that can reduce £££

Peekingduck Fri 15-Nov-13 09:02:22

Nope. Just send regrets, you can't attend. Don't go into detail at all. Let's face it, even if you did save enough for you to go alone, you've surely got much more pressing things you need to spend the money on.

ENormaSnob Fri 15-Nov-13 09:02:28

He can stick his wedding up his shitter.

CoolJazz Fri 15-Nov-13 09:10:56

Find out the actual costs involved, don't just go on the figure your mother has quoted.

You had indicated you'd go to Mexico, so you need to establish how much more expensive Hawaii will be than Mexico, as unless it's a lot you will seem unreasonable and difficult to your brother.

If after this you find the cost for all of you is prohibitive, you'll have to tell your brother you can't all attend.

You could then consider attending on your own with your mother, which I imagine will be less expensive than the whole family to Mexico.

As you and your mum are his only Famiky, it might be important to do this, even though it's not your first choice, as I think you may regret a Famiky rift in future years.

intitgrand Fri 15-Nov-13 09:21:27

'The Mum stirred by taking upon herself to email the brother bleating about cost '
But the mum is worried about the cost too!!

ZenNudist Fri 15-Nov-13 09:27:44

I got married in Cyprus (family travelled from UK). I didn't require people to come. I did have slightly harsh words with my sister who has form for being stingey & hundreds of thousands in savings, no kids and well paid job. I told of she never did anything fun she'd have nothing good to look back on!

Meanwhile my bro, stationed in Germany with his army job at the time said it would be ££££ for him to attend & I was happy for him to turn up to UK do. I wouldn't/didn't hold it against either of them for not coming. It turned out my dsis had a good time& I think she was glad she came.

I deliberately got married somewhere that appealed to my and dh's parents. And rejected far flung destinations as too costly for my m&d.

I think you need to talk face to face with your db. Not email or phone. Just decline for your good reasons. He'll see you're upset. Say you support him in his decision to get married where he wants & you won't hold it against them that his plans effectively exclude your family on grounds of cost.

People have destination weddings for lots of reasons. I did it as I didn't want to get into rigmarole of massive expensive UK do. Did not want a massive wedding & didn't feel I'd get the small wedding I wanted in the UK without offending family anyway.

Your db's df might have similar issues.

SconeForAStroll Fri 15-Nov-13 09:30:58

What a difficult situation for you sad ultimately though if you can't afford it you can't go.

And if you are in the US it would mean sacrificing a good portion of whatever college fund you are building up for the dc.

Or you ask him to pay a proportion if he wants expects you to drop everything you there that much.

Preciousbane Fri 15-Nov-13 09:31:30

Hawaii is one of the most expensive places to travel to I have heard it is full of honeymooners and very rich retired Americans, sort of holiday of a lifetime destination.

Just don't go, I get the feeling your an American but in British terms your bro is being a wanker.

SkinnybitchWannabe Fri 15-Nov-13 09:35:04

Your brother sounds like a selfish dick.
You cant afford it so simply say sorry but you wont be attending.
A friend of mine got married in Las Vegas and had webcam thing (still dont know what they exactly did) so family and friends could watch the wedding live online.
I would not spend that amount of money because someone decided to get married abroad.

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