to think weddings are a rip off?(74 Posts)
£3.50 for chair covers?! £400 for a harpist for a 20 minute ceremony?!
These things were the final straw today, the costs are actually making me feel sick. Its not even value for money. I refuse to buy in to this industry. But in laws (to be) think im being unreasonable as, apparently, we must have this, that and the next thing - what is a going away outfit anyway?! Thing is, it is the in laws that wish to fund all this but I still can't bring myself to spend such massive amounts of money, even if its not mine.
No one remembers the chair covers at a wedding they went to. People are far more likely to remember a free bar.
The nicest weddings I've been to have been in places like a church hall with a hog roast, booking out a restaurant, or going to a pub.
Add wedding to the word dress, cake, car, meal, venue, photographer, etc and you can add a 0 on the end of the normal price.
No matter whose money it was, I could not spend £thousands on one day, there are so many things you could spend your money on, which would make a difference to the rest of your life, not just one day.
My parents gave me a large chunk of money as my first home deposit, my friend's parents paid a similar amount for her wedding, around the same time. I'm now mortgage free, she is divorced and still screwed by negative equity, as it took her all the house price boom years to save the deposit to finally buy somewhere. I see big weddings as a really quick way to ruin the rest of your life, but maybe that's just me!
You don't have to spend a lot of money. just have a quiet wedding. Why do you need a harpist?
just to clarify, the chair covers and harpist were not my ideas but ILs lastest must haves.
Whatever you do someone will moan so just do whatever you want! A week after all they will remember is that it was a lovely day
If it were me, I would tell them that while I appreciate their very very kind gesture, I cannot accept their money as I do not want a big wedding.
My ILs paid for their daughter's wedding reception and took it upon themselves to invite a lot of people SIL didn't know. They already know that OH won't let them do the same, he will return their money.
It's your day, don't let this overshadow it x
I think weddings are a bit like children's names - it's best not to discuss your plans before they are finalised. It gets more tricky when PILs are helping to pay.
Kiss - why not suggest that the money you're saving by having a low-key affair could be put towards a vow renewal, filled with MILs 'must haves'?! Doves, albino peacocks, ice sculptures... She can go mad
on unnecessary tat
Don't have an incredibly expensive wedding you don't want especially if someone else is paying for it as on the day you will be walking around feeling sick at all the expense and won't enjoy it. Then afterwards you'll have to be grateful for years and pretend you enjoyed it or the PILs will get all huffy at your "ingratitude".
I'm eternally grateful We got married as students and that neither DH, me or our parents had the money to contemplate a hotel wedding reception and all the nonsense that goes with it.
Stardust def lay down the law. It's got to be what you and your dp want. No one will remember chair covers. Harps are bland. Don't let your ILs live vicariously through your wedding, making it what they want.
Know what you mean about not wanting to spend other people's money on overpriced nonsense. Better to spend your own money on the day you like not on ILs big day.
Don't wait for it to spiral into an unstoppable behemoth of a wedding. Politely thank them and say no to everything you don't want. Research & source what you do want. Can you afford to pay for things yourself?
I turned down £10,000 offer from ILs as I didn't think a wedding should cost that much & anyway we were planning on marrying abroad. I also didnt need it and did want things to be on mine & dh's terms.I did eventually spend a decent amount of my own money but mainly on a fab holiday not the actual wedding.
You also need to watch for ILs inviting all their friends & family that you don't want there. I got random add ons at the last minute that MIL 'couldn't say no to'!!!! She said she'd pay for them but I don't think they ever did. It didn't matter, they took the whole wedding party out for loads of meals when we were on holiday!
Pretty much just repetition of the above but... weddings don't have to be expensive. Costs £50 to get married Mon-Thu at our local registry office, £90 on a Friday and somewhere around £150 on a Saturday. No Sundays or public holidays. I know of people who've gone along with the minimum required guests - 2, to serve as witnesses - in just regular clothes and been in and out in 10mins.
Not saying you have to be at the other extreme end of the spectrum, just agree that it doesn't have to be a mega blowout on the budget. What's more, if your ILs are set on something a bit 'swish' a lot of it can be done without spending lots of money. Like others say, it's only when you attach the label 'wedding' to it that it becomes so expensive.
PS here's a tip if they really want a live musician: hire a music student from a reputable college/university locally! They're very talented and very cheap
Btw I agree with everyone else though, it's about the atmosphere of the day and if you don't want an OTT experience in the typical sense then you and your DP especially need to be able to communicate that to them. I think it's okay to accommodate some of their ideas or suggestions, DH and I certainly did things we didn't plan on doing originally because of close relatives who were funding it, but it all had to stay within some pretty key criteria of what we wanted from our wedding. Yes, just because someone else pays for it doesn't mean that they own it!
When they say these things could you just say something like 'thanks, but if we are going to spend an extra £350, I'd rather we got the band to play for an extra hour/put it behind the bar/give our guests a gold bar each' or similar?
Someone else money = someone elses wedding.
Say thanks but no thanks and elope.
It's your damn wedding, and it shouldn't be stressing you out. If it is, thank your in-laws sincerely for their generosity, and elope.
DH and I had a big wedding. We just wanted something simple, but succumbed to pressure from my parents and my in-laws. It was a logistical nightmare, and don't even get me started on the cost of everything. My mom especially was determined we should have the wedding of her dreams, mostly because when she and my dad got married they had very little money and were forced to have a tiny wedding by circumstance. As she orchestrated my wedding, I often found myself wishing she'd had a big wedding of her own back in the day and gotten it out of her system when she was the bride.
DH's sister also had a big wedding, but they were filing for divorce barely two years later. She revealed much later that she'd had second thoughts about marrying the guy starting a few weeks before the wedding, but she suppressed them because the whole production was already in progress and was "too big to fail".
Yes - it is a rip off!!
And the flowers
YANBU. Good luck finding what you want.
I had to push very hard to get the wedding I wanted - and even then it was a massive compromise. Luckily I find frilly things such as harpists and chair covers quite vomitous.... had those been arranged I would have made my excuses. It's 28 years ago and I don't have particularly positive memories - do have very positive memories of the last 28 years though!!!!
Going through this at the moment too. £1500 for photos when you know only you and your parents will want any of them and really one decent photo will do; etc etc etc. I'd happily elope but dp really wants his family and friends there. Bah humbug.
Skimmed the thread, sorry if repeating:
OP listen - cancel everything. Seriously. Do it sooner rather than later and stop the madness.
Start afresh and do it your way. Honestly. Don't have the wedding of your Inlaws dreams, have the wedding of YOUR dreams. Other wise you will spend the next X no. of years looking at your wedding pics and thinking they are a reminder of how you didn't stand up for yourself.
It will take one difficult conversation (i hate confrontation too, i know it'll be hard) - but once it's done it's done.
You are obviously very welcome into their family, so they'll have the hump for a bit probably, but the dust will settle quite quickly i recon.
You will feel so liberated afterwards, and free to plan it how you and DP want it.
They are definitely a rip off. Right from the engagament ring stage "rare diamond must be 3x's your monthly wage" crap it tries to suck you in.
Reception venues aren't even secretive about how they rip you off. Just ask them how much to host a party for 100 as opposed to hosting a wedding reception for 100. They will triple the price.
Last Summer I went to a very pricey wedding which was traditional, far too long and a bit dull. The bride had been saving since she was first engaged 10 years earlier. She spent the entire reception and evening do outside feeling faint, possibly from the stress and feeling overwhelmed.
In contrast we attended a fun ceremony in a bar/restaurant. They had slideshows of the couple growing up and all of their friends. Lots of fun stories and quirky individual ideas all put together very cheaply by their friends. I loved that wedding.
If I get married I'd just sign a piece of paper with 2 witnesses and enjoy a nice honeymoon.
What does your DP want/think about it? Is it because they've spent the same kind of money on siblings' weddings and want to treat them all equally?
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