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AIBU? Worried about the future.(89 Posts)
Buckle up, this is long...
OH has always had a temper. He has never been violent to me or the children but he has always been the sort to keep things pent up until he explodes - at which point something usually gets broken. He absolutely will not speak to anyone about this - I have tried going down that route before. In fairness these instances have become farther apart over the years (which is why I have never seen it as that big a deal)
Ds is 12, dd is 7. He has been asked every day for the last month or so to tidy his room. As I said, he is 12 so unless I am standing over him it usually doesn't get done!
We were all ill over the weekend (some kind of bug), they all had it Saturday and I had it on Sunday. It really hit me quite hard so I stayed in bed pretty much all day - on the Saturday OH and DS were laid on the sofa watching films all day.
I got quite irked yesterday because while I was trying to relax so I could feel better I could hear OH grumbling about how messy the place was. It was ONE day. He pays all the bills so usually I take care of the house but this was ONE fucking day. I managed to go downstairs at around 6 to ask what they were having to eat - fuck knows was his reply. I didn't have the energy to argue so I pointed out that there was food in the freezer and went back to bed. More grumbling and pans crashing could be heard.
I got up at about 9pm for all of about an hour and he was fine.
Woke up this morning and of course he hadn't bothered getting anything ready for school today so spent the morning running around like a headless chicken. I made him a sandwich which I left on the worktop with other things for his lunch and went off to take the children to school.
Came back as he was leaving. He didn't so much as make eye contact, just stormed out.
I went upstairs to find he had trashed DS' room. Pulled all the books off the bookshelves, pulled the shelves off, his lamps on the floor, his clothes rails been chucked out of his wardrobe and his wardrobe door wrenched off the wardrobe.
I phoned him at work (after a few hours of trying to calm down) to ask him why exactly he did that. He said "he had dirty clothes on his floor, hes been fucking told to tidy it and if he doesn't like it he can move out"
erm WTF? he is 12!! I am so pissed off and upset that I just cannot think straight. I don't for a second think this has anything to do with ds but everything to do with OH and I but what the hell can I do or say!?
The DS has no choices here, he has no power.
The OP can choose to stay, it is a 'rock and a hard place' decision certainly.
But still, she has choices the children don't.
She is also not learning that this is how a man behaves, either by learning how to be a man, or learning what to put up with in one - her children are.
So yes, Poor DS.
This isn't 'normal' behaviour OP. He does it because he likes it. He can control himself, he just chooses not too because he doesn't care how you feel as long as he is happy.
Actions speak louder than words, and destroying your little boy's room because you are pissed off with his sick mother is a pretty loud action.
Whatever it takes.... Do it.
Tell him to fuck off.
I wouldn't stand for any grown man to trash my child's bedroom.
That's the bottom line. Whatever it takes.
My mother's partner did shit like this. It took me years to forgive her (l never forgave him, of course).
Rightly or wrongly I felt my mother prioritised an aggressive bully over her own child, and I lost almost all respect for her as a result.
Decades on I have every sympathy for you, OP, but I also know full well that your children need you to stand up for them. If you do nothing, you're letting them down. Sorry.
I find it more worrying that he trashed the room in cold blood - not over the weekend in the heat of the moment. He waited until everyone was out of the house and deliberately and methodically trashed a 12 year olds bedroom.
That's fucking scary
Elskovs You might think it's bollocks that I was welling up at the thought of her poor DS.
I can assure you I was terrified when my father did that sort of thing, even though he never "laid a finger" on my mum or us DCs. It was still terrifying.
I feel for you op.Don't trivialize it to your dc's though,they need to see that this behaviour is very wrong and not acceptable.I know how hard it is to leave,been there myself and one day he will do something that makes that decision for you (not violence necessarily) perhaps he will trash something else and you will say enough is enough.
I have said it a few times on here but if you really think LTBing him is not an option (at this point in time, I hope) then the only other option IS to tell him he NEEDS to see his GP and address whatever issues he has (and he clearly has them, we all get angry, we just don't choose to wrench wardrobe doors off handles or smash things up) That isn't a "normal" way of dealing with anger and I wouldn't want my children witnessing that and seeing that as a normal way of dealing with emotions and feelings. You said you can't talk to him, could you not write him a letter? I'm afraid in this situation you would have to issue him an ultimatium? Either he speaks to someone about it, or you do leave. He can't have it all. Also with writing it down in a letter you can say everything without him inturrupting you to?
Yes. Why not say "Poor you OP" ?
Your intention was to make her feel guilty.
And you gleaned all that from me saying 'your poor ds'?
I feel more sorry for OP than her DS. He will be fine, he has his mother to look after him.
Its so insulting, insinuating that by not reacting strongly enough she is letting her son down and is somehow a inadequate mother. As if she needs strangers on the internet to look out for her son. All that bollocks about some poster welling up at the thought of her terrified DS... please.
Posts like yours LadyBeagle ARE accusatory, and totally unsupportive.
Ok, so you aren't going to leave him, so what are you going to do?
Not talking to him is temporary, and this will happen again. He won't recognise that he has a problem and that this is unacceptable. So far you are just putting up with it, which isn't going to solve anything.
He has to realise you won't be tolerating it anymore, and mean it.
sorry I have not replied for a while. OH came home just as we were getting ready to go to the shops so I left him to it and took ds with me. Had a good long chat with ds about the situation and reassured him that he wasn't to blame and that OH was being childish which is why we were going to leave ds' room alone and let OH deal with it.
Got back to find that OH had put some of the room back together (shelves back up and bookcase back together but there's not a lot can be done about the wardrobe, he can sodding well buy him a new one) and he and dd had gone into the workshop to do some jobs he had started last week. I have not spoken to him, just asked dd to come inside for dinner.
I did take pics of it before OH got home in case I need them. Its easy to say LTB but in reality it IS more complicated and I don't want to do that unless every other avenue has been explored. I am not not talking to him because I am afraid, I am livid that he's put me in this position and also I know I am trivialising this to ds but I don't want to actually come out and say "you are being a fucking moron" in front of them.
So you don't feel sorry for the ds elskovs..
He's 12 and his violent father has trashed his room.
How you can go from my 3 word sentence to accusing me of blaming the op is bewildering.
Elskov, no where am I blaming the OP for her DH's behaviour or saying leave him. But the DH had learnt behaviour from his dad and the DS will grow up with the same behaviour. So yes it is something the OP should be considering. There's no need to be insulting. Personally I think your post is bollocks.
Elskovs, not at all.
Op is not to blame for her dh behaviour, and it is in no way her fault. Its a horrible situation for her to be in.
That is not normal OP and I'd be very worried if DH did something like that. Smashing things counts as intimidation; it's like he's saying 'I could do this to you'.
Unfortunately you are bringing up a son to see what adult males supposedly behave like! Well - most men do not behave like this, and he is condemning his son to a lifetime of the same unless he sorts his shit out!
That's seriously fucked up op.The fact that he was fine at 9pm for an hour,then went to bed then got up this morning and trashed your 12 year olds bedroom is just,well,I can't even find the words.Your ds does not deserve to have his room trashed because he won't tidy up!What kind of adult reacts like that? I find it quite sinister actually.Hope your ok op and definitely get some legal advice and see where you stand.You deserve more than this
Pobble your post makes you sound like a total cow, same to you LadyBeagleEyes and Lavenderhoney - do you really imagine you care more about OPs son than OP does herself?
Do you realise you sound as if you are blaming OP?
I hate it when posters get cross at the OP for not immediately agreeing to LTB.
He has smashed stuff up before? Its a horrible way to live, and not normal. Did his dm put up with it? To keep the family together? It hasn't ended well, has it
Normalising it and thinking its funny are coping strategies, but in the long run you must see this is no way to live. Your ds shouldn't have to cope with all this. Smashing up his safe place, his room.. How would your dh feel if someone smashed his stuff up? Does he smash up things at work? No- because its not tolerated.
If you want to stay with him, its your choice as an adult to stay, as there are other options - but your ds has no choice, unless he runs away. Is there a grandparent he could live with that would provide him with a safe and secure, happy home whilst your dh works his issues?
I hope your ds has a school teacher or someone to talk to- you should encourage that, however unpleasant for you. He should not be expected to keep his df dirty secrets to present a front of a happy family.
How will you feel if your DS grows up with the same behaviour having learnt it from your DH. Are you ok with that?
I am a firm believer that the apple never falks far from the tree. His Dad was the same and if you don't show this this behaviour is unacceptable, your son could end up being the same.
You need to take action on this and show your child that this is not normal behaviour. I would suggest, as other posters have said, seeking legal advice, calling the police and changing the locks. He will not change, they never do. The damage has been done by him growing up experiencing violent behaviour as the norm. Don't expose your children to it for a minute longer.
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