Note: Please bear in mind that whilst this topic does canvass opinions, it is not a fight club. You may disagree with other posters but we do ask you please to stick to our Talk Guidelines and to be civil. We don't allow personal attacks or troll-hunting. Do please report any. Thanks, MNHQ.

AIBU? Worried about the future.

(89 Posts)
CocacolaMum Mon 11-Nov-13 14:19:41

Buckle up, this is long...

OH has always had a temper. He has never been violent to me or the children but he has always been the sort to keep things pent up until he explodes - at which point something usually gets broken. He absolutely will not speak to anyone about this - I have tried going down that route before. In fairness these instances have become farther apart over the years (which is why I have never seen it as that big a deal)

Ds is 12, dd is 7. He has been asked every day for the last month or so to tidy his room. As I said, he is 12 so unless I am standing over him it usually doesn't get done!

We were all ill over the weekend (some kind of bug), they all had it Saturday and I had it on Sunday. It really hit me quite hard so I stayed in bed pretty much all day - on the Saturday OH and DS were laid on the sofa watching films all day.

I got quite irked yesterday because while I was trying to relax so I could feel better I could hear OH grumbling about how messy the place was. It was ONE day. He pays all the bills so usually I take care of the house but this was ONE fucking day. I managed to go downstairs at around 6 to ask what they were having to eat - fuck knows was his reply. I didn't have the energy to argue so I pointed out that there was food in the freezer and went back to bed. More grumbling and pans crashing could be heard.

I got up at about 9pm for all of about an hour and he was fine.

Woke up this morning and of course he hadn't bothered getting anything ready for school today so spent the morning running around like a headless chicken. I made him a sandwich which I left on the worktop with other things for his lunch and went off to take the children to school.

Came back as he was leaving. He didn't so much as make eye contact, just stormed out.

I went upstairs to find he had trashed DS' room. Pulled all the books off the bookshelves, pulled the shelves off, his lamps on the floor, his clothes rails been chucked out of his wardrobe and his wardrobe door wrenched off the wardrobe.

I phoned him at work (after a few hours of trying to calm down) to ask him why exactly he did that. He said "he had dirty clothes on his floor, hes been fucking told to tidy it and if he doesn't like it he can move out"

erm WTF? he is 12!! I am so pissed off and upset that I just cannot think straight. I don't for a second think this has anything to do with ds but everything to do with OH and I but what the hell can I do or say!?

Spirulina Mon 11-Nov-13 14:28:54

yanbu! id be worried too

your poor ds

JanineStHubbins Mon 11-Nov-13 14:30:32

I went upstairs to find he had trashed DS' room. Pulled all the books off the bookshelves, pulled the shelves off, his lamps on the floor, his clothes rails been chucked out of his wardrobe and his wardrobe door wrenched off the wardrobe.

shock Your OH is the one who needs to move out.

Lavenderhoney Mon 11-Nov-13 14:32:53

That's awful. And wrenching doors off? I have never heard of that, except in a situation where I would say leave at once as he sounds unstable.

How did he work up such a temper to do all that in an empty house whilst you were taking dc to school and after such a poorly weekend?

Your poor ds, will you support him by helping him sort his room and what about your dh? Will he apologise to your ds? Because its not a normal reaction to a 12 year old who has an untidy room.

Strumpetron Mon 11-Nov-13 14:33:59

This is disgusting and vile.

I feel sorry for your DS. The exact same thing used to happen to my best friend, she often came to school in tears because her stepdad had trashed her room for fuck all, just taking his temper out on anything. They were all walking on egg shells. She eventually ran away from home and came to my house, you really don't what this for your DS.

What you can do is either leave him, or give him an ultimatum.But I have to say people like this don't change overnight, there will be more tantrums and more fear from you and your family.

Spirulina Mon 11-Nov-13 14:34:59

lavender that's what I thought too. he was still so so angry even after sleeping on it

Lilacroses Mon 11-Nov-13 14:39:15

That's so horrible. Both his pathetic behaviour when you were ill and his nasty overreaction to your ds and his untidy room.....he even wrenched the wardrobe door off it's hinges??? That is some temper. I don't blame you for feeling worried. Alot rests on how he behaves after that outburst.

CocacolaMum Mon 11-Nov-13 14:40:19

Of course I will support him. I am trying to straighten up what I can before he gets home sad

We have a joint mortgage and because he has always paid all of it and the bills he would never leave - last time we rowed and I told him to get out he said as much and that because I haven't paid anything I would not be entitled to stay which I suspect is untrue. I don't want to break up our family (which 99% of the time is a happy home) but I know deep down that its unacceptable to live wondering when he will next lose his temper. I just wish he could see that it doesn't do him any favours. I really don't want him to come home tonight.

JanineStHubbins Mon 11-Nov-13 14:41:49

Maybe ask for your thread to be moved to Relationships, OP. There are lots of posters there who will be able to advise you.

CocacolaMum Mon 11-Nov-13 14:42:27

I highly doubt he will apologise. I know this post makes him sound like a monster but if you met him you would see how out of character it is. which is possibly why I feel so worried.

shock I think it's him that needs to bloody move out!!!!

Is your poor DS going to come home and see his room absolutely trashed? Dont see how a door that's been ripped off can be fixed.

I'm sorry but he sounds vile.

Why did you make him a sandwich this morning while you were rushing around? Did you think it would be better to make him one than have him mad at you? sad

JanineStHubbins Mon 11-Nov-13 14:43:30

If it's out of character, why won't he apologise?

That's not good at all. He shouldn't be so shitty to you, and that's an appalling way to treat a child.

It's not how loving relationships are.

You have to hit someone to use violence to control them, often breaking things works well to keep people on their toes. This is domestic violence, you know.

You are right it's not true. Of course you would be entitled to stay you are the primary carer to your dcs.

angelsgo Mon 11-Nov-13 14:44:23

so sorry to hear about your husband - I do agree with other posters that its him and not you, he was probably just annoyed that you were poorly and he had to fend for himself so he just took it out on your son. I hope you can sort everything out soon.

happydaze77 Mon 11-Nov-13 14:45:33

Op, I understand that you want to remain a family and that you are dependant on him financially, but that is no way to live your life. Nobody should have to live in fear of violence.

I think you need to sit down and speak to him, calmly. Tell him that you love him and will stick by him, but that he must acknowledge that he has a problem and get help.

struggling100 Mon 11-Nov-13 14:45:34

To state the obvious: your OH has anger issues. He really needs to address these, pronto, but first step towards that is getting him to acknowledge that this behaviour is unusual and extreme!

Perhaps it's time for a long, serious-but-supportive heart-to-heart, to find out what is wrong (chronic stress at work? repeating of parental patterns of behaviour?) and how you might address it together as a couple. I definitely think this isn't the time for blame or recrimination (however angry you rightly feel, you'll likely get further with him by remaining positive and supportive).

I am a bit worried by your financial situation, however. Am I right in thinking you are not married, and the mortgage is entirely in his name?

Plumpcious Mon 11-Nov-13 14:45:44

Have you tidied up the room yet? If not, can you take photos in case you need them in future?

JanineStHubbins Mon 11-Nov-13 14:45:57

he was probably just annoyed that you were poorly and he had to fend for himself so he just took it out on your son.

On what planet is that acceptable?

CocacolaMum Mon 11-Nov-13 14:46:49

because from what he said on the phone he believes that he was justified in getting angry whereas I think it was an enormous overreaction over something trivial. Ok so it has been going on for a while but still

I always make his lunch in the morning, I am not afraid of him being violent to me. If we split though I would have nowhere to go - a big reason why I don't want to leave.

If you do want him to leave and he has been violent (which he has - breaking property to intimidate you counts) then the police should help. Ask to speak to the domestic violence team.

Women's Aid can help with advice.

As long as your name's on the deeds it doesn't matter who pays the mortgage.

angelsgo Mon 11-Nov-13 14:47:26

so sorry to hear about your husband - I do agree with other posters that its him and not you, he was probably just annoyed that you were poorly and he had to fend for himself so he just took it out on your son. I hope you can sort everything out soon.

CocacolaMum Mon 11-Nov-13 14:47:42

No we are married and the mortgage is joint but all payments have always come from him as he is on a good wage and I am a SAHM

Strumpetron Mon 11-Nov-13 14:48:51

because from what he said on the phone he believes that he was justified in getting angry whereas I think it was an enormous overreaction over something trivial. Ok so it has been going on for a while but still

That is a massive problem OP. If he can't see what he's done is wrong, it's even more likely it will happen again in the future.

You are really going to have to be firm here. Don't let him make excuses.

Lilacroses Mon 11-Nov-13 14:49:58

Has he got alot on at the moment? Stress at work or illness.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now