AIBU to assume that the majority of people in the relationships forum...

(58 Posts)
Joysmum Mon 11-Nov-13 09:26:48

...are there because they have had (and are still hurting from), or are in the middle of, unhappy relationships?

DeepThought Mon 11-Nov-13 09:29:42

Goady much

happy to be shown I am wrong natch

Repeatedlydoingthetwist Mon 11-Nov-13 09:31:04

Does it really matter why people are there OP?

SPsDoesntLikeChaffingFishnets Mon 11-Nov-13 09:31:49

Why does it matter?

VodkaJelly Mon 11-Nov-13 09:31:56

no, people are there to give advice, same as every other forum

Purple2012 Mon 11-Nov-13 09:32:27

Thats natural. You wouldn't post for advice if everything was wonderful would you?

Why else would they be there? hmm

gamerchick Mon 11-Nov-13 09:32:58

No.. but I do know where you're coming from. Do you just read the ones in active convos or do you read the whole board? It might give you more of a balanced view.

Not necessarily. MN has helped me massively over a long period of time, and by going there sometimes even to "hand-hold" is a way of trying to give something back to people who helped me when I was at my lowest.

There are also a great many people who have had shit times in the past and offer others the benefit of their experience. It's good to know sometimes that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and that things can get better.

LookingThroughTheFog Mon 11-Nov-13 09:34:23

No. I'm married and happy and not going through any marital problems at all. I'm often in the Relationship forum because I know that people often need support and an outside eye.

I don't think you need to have experienced the problems first hand to be able to sympathise.

onetiredmummy Mon 11-Nov-13 09:34:45

People post because they are having relationship problems .

People answer because they are able to help, have been there and can offer advice, are human and don't want people in need to go unanswered.

I can't really get your point?

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 11-Nov-13 09:34:58

YANBU about the people starting the threads. Few would post about a problem-free relationship on a message board. Those responding may or may not have had unhappy relationships but, if they have experienced the same things as someone in difficulty, that is going to make their answers more meaningful and helpful.

Anchoress Mon 11-Nov-13 09:35:10

Duh, the people posting for advice are in difficult, often unhappy situations, usually. Which is why they are asking for advice, obviously. What I suspect you mean, and if so, it's pretty mean-spirited, is that the people who respond with comments are also in unhappy relationships. I assume some are, some aren't, like any sample of the population.

Atari Mon 11-Nov-13 09:35:18

This thought has occurred to me op (but will be hugely unpopular) Lots of outrage and lab advice from people who like you say have been hurt or hurting. Not so much on the it takes two and all relationships require effort front.

Almost be definition - if you have lots of relationships experience, you haven't been that successful. Which could be for all sorts of reasons but i do wonder if it puts you in the best place to offer advice

ebayauctivahelp Mon 11-Nov-13 09:36:11

No. Nor would you be unreasonable to think that people on the General Health thread are not feeling 100% or that people on the Recipe thread are currently involved in thinking about food.

Atari Mon 11-Nov-13 09:36:30

lab ltb

Joysmum Mon 11-Nov-13 09:37:57

It matters because we all post based on our own experiences.

Those with controlling partners are more likely to think others are in controlling relationships, those living with abuse may think others are going to be be abused, those in perfectly happy relationships can't see what all the fuss is about and a bit more relaxed about things.

SilverApples Mon 11-Nov-13 09:40:07

I have the board hidden. There are some amazing posters there, patient, non-judgemental and hugely supportive of many of the bewildered and unhappy who also post there. It's a fantastic source of knowledge and gives some an outside perspective of their situation that they lack IRL.
Not all of them are still hurting, many have survived and thrived after a bad relationship and some just have compassion and skill despite not having had negative experiences.
I don't participate because I am too tempted to yell 'FFS get a grip, remember you are a vertebrate and do something to change your life'
Which in the majority of cases is not helpful.
But I do respect and admire those who can and do help.

onetiredmummy Mon 11-Nov-13 09:42:11

You are massively simplistic. Just because I'm in a stable relationship doesn't mean I ignore those who aren't .

Yabu. And nasty as well.

fluffyraggies Mon 11-Nov-13 09:44:38

Those with controlling partners are more likely to think others are in controlling relationships, those living with abuse may think others are going to be be abused, those in perfectly happy relationships can't see what all the fuss is about and a bit more relaxed about things.

But that's life isn't it? If you confide in a personal friend their own experiences of life will colour their response.

At least on a big forum you can take the general view point given over 20/50/100 answers. MN never pretends to be a professional councelling service.

cannotfuckingbelievethis Mon 11-Nov-13 09:45:09

Bit like assuming you've just came on here and posted that looking for fight....

LookingThroughTheFog Mon 11-Nov-13 09:46:28

those in perfectly happy relationships can't see what all the fuss is about and a bit more relaxed about things.

No. Some of us in happy relaxed relationships can identify abuse when it happens.

Anchoress Mon 11-Nov-13 09:50:46

OP, perhaps you are only able to see other people through the lens of your own hang-ups. Other people in happy, stable relationships may feel that their experience of an equal partnership (assuming we are talking primarily about marriages and partnerships) puts them in a good position to identify abuse in someone's else's situation.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 11-Nov-13 09:50:53

OP... if you don't like the advice you've been given on the Relationships Board you're under no obligation to take it. But, as someone said upthread, if you talk to any group of people you're going to get a wide range of opinions, some of which are bound not to chime with your own. That's the strength/weakness of using a message board rather than a trained counsellor or similar.

LadyInDisguise Mon 11-Nov-13 09:53:41

It matters because we all post based on our own experiences.

You're right and thanks to that they are able to make appropriate comments on subjects other people will never be able to.

EG: If I had been in an abusive relationship, I would listen to someone who had been in the same boat more than someone who has always had a 'lived ever happily after' type of marriage because they would be unlikely to have any idea of what it means.

Of course, because of the way life is, it is quite possible for someone who has never been in an abusive relationship to spot the signs (eg because a good friend/a family member has been there). But they won't have 'lived' to tell the tale iyswim.

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