Partner doing recreational cocaine whilst I'm pregnant

(102 Posts)
bunglesmum12 Mon 11-Nov-13 04:54:34

I am 9 weeks pregnant. My partner proposed to me last weekend. I was thrilled! The only thing is, he's is still doing cocaine recreationally.

He said he would stop once I became pregnant and he hasn't. He has stopped smoking weed every day (thank fully!) he stopped about two weeks ago.

But I just found out on Saturday that he had done coke the night before. I then also found out that he did it two weeks ago at a friends birthday. I don't know what to do!

He isn't some down and out Jeremy Kyle type, he is a successful lawyer and runs his own firm. It's not like he's doing coke every day, it's just once a week, but I know it could potentially end up being more frequent as time goes on.

He is having a "lads night" this Saturday. His mates all do coke, smoke weed and do pills. I know he will end up doing something.

Am I being unreasonable asking him to stop taking drugs? It's stressing me out and I can't sleep at night.

He thinks I'm being unreasonable. He thinks I'm being over emotional about it and making a big deal over nothing.

Should I stand up for myself, refuse to back down on the drug taking and risk losing everything? Or should I just keep quiet about it and accept it?

Comments greatly appreciated

FesterAddams Mon 11-Nov-13 05:05:12

With respect, it's not about whether you're being unreasonable or he's being unreasonable.
He's unlikely to stop because you're moaning at him, and the fact that he said he would stop the cocaine but hasn't (and hid the fact that he hasn't) makes me doubt that he will stay off the weed either.
So really it's about whether you want a relationship / marriage with someone who uses recreational drugs or not. To be blunt, if you don't want to, then leave. There's a remote possibility that you leaving will make him decide to give up the drugs in order to win you back, but don't bank on it.

MadameLeBean Mon 11-Nov-13 05:09:16

Can't believe you agreed to marry this guy .. Sorry but isn't it time to grow up now?! Even if you were okay with the drugs before, he agreed to stop but hasn't, therefore it seems he doesn't respect you. If he is having trouble stopping because he is addicted he should seek help, not ignore it and your agreement

bunglesmum12 Mon 11-Nov-13 05:27:38

Thank you ladies, I know he needs to grow up. He's 39! He's acting like he's 15 or something. I have some very big decisions to make.

I haven't told anyone else about my pregnancy yet. I'm very reluctant to as well. I'm embarrassed to be in this situation to be honest, and disappointed in myself.

I don't want to be a single mum again so if I do leave then I won't go through with the pregnancy. Is breaking my heart to think this might actually end in me leaving, moving out and having a termination. I don't want it to come to that, I just want him to stop sad

FergusSingsTheBlues Mon 11-Nov-13 05:34:54

Spell it out to him in those exact terms. Hopefully his blood will run cold and he'll quit.

But tbh, I left someone for the same reasons...usage can escalate sharply and you can't live with the worry of that either.

Is he excited about the baby or in denial?

JoinYourPlayfellows Mon 11-Nov-13 05:49:55

So he told you he'd stop taking coke once you were pregnant but now that you are pregnant and he thinks you have no way out, he's just lying about it and telling you you're unreasonable when you ask him to live up to his promises to you?

Um, he's a dick.

Get out.

paxtecum Mon 11-Nov-13 06:08:37

OP: The drug use goes hand in hand with his boys night out. Which he won't won't to give up.

The drugs and his nights out will be more important to him than you and his baby.
He already things you are fussing about nothing.

He wants to have you, a baby and carry on with his lad's life.

I was married to a 'recreational' drug user for 30 years.
It was not a good life.
I always thought it would get better, but it didn't.

You do have a very difficult decision to make and time is not on your side.

Best wishes to you.

paxtecum Mon 11-Nov-13 06:09:12

He already thinks you are fussing about nothing.

JoinYourPlayfellows Mon 11-Nov-13 06:18:56

Also, cokeheads are such tedious wankers.

It will become unbearable once you have a 24/7 shared commitment (all of which will be left to you).

CoffeeTea103 Mon 11-Nov-13 06:26:06

You need to do a lot more research about drug use to know what life you are in for. If he thinks you are being unreasonable for wanting him to stop then this says it all.

intitgrand Mon 11-Nov-13 06:27:13

why did you not get all this sorted out before making a babytogether?

RoadToTuapeka Mon 11-Nov-13 07:00:25

For me, this would be a deal breaker. For all the reasons people upthread have said. In addition, (and I know this will sound silly and alarmist) but when children are not involved, and in the unlikely event things go horribly wrong (accidental od, bad gear etc) that is always tragic but ultimately he/you are the main affected party. With a baby/child losing a parent to drugs would be dreadful, this unlikely possibility is what keeps me away from them at the odd party where they are available!

Plus the waste of money, his selfishness as you and baby will be lower priorities if he's under the weather as a result. I would be throwing ultimatums about and scary as it would be to leave, I'd be considering it. Certainly not marrying the problem. Good luck with your pregnancy and whatever you decide to do.

RoadToTuapeka Mon 11-Nov-13 07:02:40

For me, this would be a deal breaker. For all the reasons people upthread have said. In addition, (and I know this will sound silly and alarmist) but when children are not involved, and in the unlikely event things go horribly wrong (accidental od, bad gear etc) that is always tragic but ultimately he/you are the main affected party. With a baby/child losing a parent to drugs would be dreadful, this unlikely possibility is what keeps me away from them at the odd party where they are available!

Plus the waste of money, his selfishness as you and baby will be lower priorities if he's under the weather as a result. I would be throwing ultimatums about and scary as it would be to leave, I'd be considering it. Certainly not marrying the problem. Good luck with your pregnancy and whatever you decide to do.

NicknameIncomplete Mon 11-Nov-13 07:06:08

As soon as i found out someone took drugs i would be off like a shot. I wouldnt care if it was the occasional smoke or sniff.

Do you really want drugs around your kids?

paxtecum Mon 11-Nov-13 07:07:12

Initgrand: not all babies are planned. Some are a surprise.

8thplace Mon 11-Nov-13 07:14:14

He sounds really irresponsible. A Lawyer too! Crazy.

One police caution on drug related activities or A+E admission (no matter how recreational he considers his usage) will finish his career.

You may well end up supporting this guy financially as well as emotionally in the future. Are you prepared to do this?

Think about yourself and your child/ children. These are serious class A drugs he is taking. Its dangerous.

ImagineJL Mon 11-Nov-13 07:24:52

Total deal beaker for me too.

This is meant to be the easy time - you've just got engaged, you're pregnant but not slowed down by it yet, no baby to think about at the moment and so on - yet still he is incapable of curbing his party lifestyle.

Fast forward a few months - you've got a tiny baby, you're exhausted, you're both grumpy, he feels entitled to some "treats" now and then - if he can't cope with a life without drugs when the going is easy, how's he going to manage when the going gets tough?

And as for the legal aspect of it - words fail me. Losing your livelihood when you're young free and single is scary, but losing it when you have a child to support is a total nightmare. Does he think he's above the law?

He has shown compete lack of respect for you and your wishes at a time when things are relatively easy for you both. If you stay with him I can only see it getting worse. And don't believe it if he says "I'll quit when the baby's here"!

chrome100 Mon 11-Nov-13 07:28:09

I don't think that either of you is being unreasonable - in my opinion recreational drugs are ok in moderation and you don't really have a right to "make" him stop.

That said, I am not sure they are consistent with the arrival of a new baby and it would be nice if he made the decision himself to stop so I can see why you're annoyed.

You asking him to stop is unlikely to work, he'll just lie to you about it. I am not sure what the solution is here, hopefully he will change by himself

MadameLeBean Mon 11-Nov-13 07:32:38

Chrome : The point is that he agreed to stop and hasn't, surely? Lying and reneging on an agreement should be a deal breaker regardless of your or Op's opinion on drug use

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 11-Nov-13 07:36:14

Don't marry a liar that breaks promises. If he was only doing this once a week, why would it be so hard for him to give up? Once you know someone is dishonesty, you can't believe anything they say.

ZillionChocolate Mon 11-Nov-13 07:40:55

Bunglesmum, don't think you should feel disappointed in yourself. You cannot control another adult's behaviour.

Charotte31 Mon 11-Nov-13 07:43:27

Don't marry him! Pack up and leave! He sounds like a total loser! Do not let him be a father to your child unless he gets clean and sorts his life out!
Good luck and be strong!

Pearlsaplenty Mon 11-Nov-13 07:46:23

I'm sorry op but I don't think he is interested in you or the baby or having a family. sad

TallGiraffe Mon 11-Nov-13 07:52:54

You say single mum again. How old are your other DC? Do you want them around a loser that takes drugs?

marriedinwhiteisback Mon 11-Nov-13 07:54:59

It's up to you whether you keep the baby but in my opinion you need to ditch the man immediately. He is a liar, he is untrustworthy, he is addicted and he is treating you badly at the beginning of a relationship. I would wonder too why at 39 he isn't already settled down and married or are is there a broken marriage or string of unhappy relationships behind him.

I am sorry you are in this situation but you have time to get yourself out of it and I think would be well advised to do so. Being a single parent without an addicted, deceitful partner will be emotionally easier than with that partner. There is also an option which is a legal one available to you which you can take and move on to the rest of your life. Sadly you have made a mistake with this chap.

Further down the road, if he is caught in possession of cocaine he will get a criminal record, this will have to be declared every time his practicing certificate is renewed and I don't know what the impact is on this but without a practicing certificate he cannot practice as a solicitor and he will lose his business.

Recreational drugs are sadly becoming more common amongst lawyers. It can be a very high pressure job and they the have the money to pay for it. However they tend not to the be the ones who end up with long term careers and without other problems because the problems and the reasons they get involved in the first place get in the way of success and maintaining it.

My DH is seeing this more and more. If a member of his firm (he isn't a solicitor) starts getting involved they get one stern talking to and I know an induction that counsels against lifestyles that would bring either the person or the chambers into disrepute has been introduced. There are support systems available if they get involved in this sort of stuff but it's a close knit professional community and any aberration is negative and seen negatively - particularly if it affects their work, they are seen by a client, etc.

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