Harsh friend - Aibu & what would you do

(40 Posts)
Sunbeam22 Sun 10-Nov-13 20:25:25

I have a friend who I have known since I was 18. We get on well, have never argued.

For the past two years all she has done when we meet up is complain and criticise other people. People at work and especially her cousin. My friend H is soo harsh that sometimes I want to challenge her reg her comments. I'm at the point where I'm saying that I'm not available to meet up just aiming to limit the amount of time with her. We don't meet up much say every month. She would ring me and rant.

She often gets huffy when I don't agree with her. I.e H always complains about her cousin meeting up 10 mins late due to having a baby. So friend H says "I'm sick of cousins putting that baby before me". I would say H it's hard getting out of the house with a young baby, all of a sudden a nappy needs changing you can't control it.

Then my friend tells me how she doesn't like her cousins little baby girl, or the girl always winges when mummy leaves the room. I always say its normal!

H cousin fell pregnant again and all H my friend did was ring me to complain I kept my mouth shut as i thought if I open it I would have said what I was thinking (none of your business!). H was saying why can't cousin be happy with just one baby why did she have to have another - I'm like wtf?! H cousin have cysts and I told h that she will be friend whilst pregnan she will get extra care and tell her contrtulations from me it's fab news, all I could hear was pouting.

My friend h is now pregnant but she is still not happy. She even said "my baby will not rule me" type comments. H mother is a chronic complainer. The type where they can drain you. I think she is turning into her mother.

I'm a bit pissed off and have found she has been winging about me. Her mother rang left a voice mail on behalf of my friend H and started complaining and forgot to put the phone down and I could hear my friend in the background laughing.

Im going off her completely. Can anyone relate?

I really want to limit the contact or do you think I should be up front and tell her how I feel ? I just don't want that type of person in my life soooo draining.

I think it's important to have a bitch and a moan and be here or tour friends but to be a chronic complainer when there is nothing to complain about is just doing my head in.

Any advice?

MrsLouisTheroux Sun 10-Nov-13 20:27:02

Is she depressed?

Sunbeam22 Sun 10-Nov-13 20:31:30

Good point. I'm not sure as she has never said anything.

I have tried the approached of 'is wverything ok have you fallen out with your cousin etc and she says no. So I have been trying to get to the bottom of it but not getting anyway.

She used to be an easy going person. I just feel like she has hanged loads and I'm quite sad about it. She never thinks about other people's point of view. Everyone else is always wrong.

Sunbeam22 Sun 10-Nov-13 20:32:16

^ not getting anywhere

Sorry for typos!

Sunbeam22 Sun 10-Nov-13 20:33:07

Will take my time and check before posting wow lots of typos....:/

WandaDoff Sun 10-Nov-13 20:35:23

She sounds like a fucking dementor, sucking all the happiness out of life.

I'd get rid.

RevelsRoulette Sun 10-Nov-13 20:37:03

Don't you wonder what she says about you behind your back?

I'd be asking her why she's so hostile about people and telling her that it's really not a nice trait and asking what is going on in her life that has turned her into this.

It's really up to her what she wants to do with that, but in the end, if she carries on like this, nobody at all is going to want to have much to do with her.

RevelsRoulette Sun 10-Nov-13 20:38:35

oh, sorry, missed the bit of your post where you say that you have discovered she does indeed bitch about you too. No great surprise there though, I bet?

Rest of it stands - I'd just ask her outright. What do you have to lose?

You aren't going to want to stay friends with her if she stays like this.

CombineBananaFister Sun 10-Nov-13 20:39:32

It's okay to have a whinge and a moan, everyone does it but if that's ALL you do then no, it's not acceptable.
Some people enjoy being miserable/angry and wallow in it, I don't know her mental health status etc and that would change things but from what you've said all you get is negativity. She sounds draining, maybe it's just beat to limit your time so you don't end up in the same mindset.

looseleaf Sun 10-Nov-13 20:39:56

This doesn't sound a normal friendship at all, draining instead as you say, and I think i would definitely distance myself. Whether or not you should say anything or just become a bit less available to chat is hard to say- I'd be tempted to edge away and not contact her and if she ever asks say you're finding things a bit draining as miss the easier-going fun times you used to have and feel you can never sort the things she's getting bothered by?
Whatever you do, don't continue letting her rant to you as it sounds hard and very negative! Or could you try saying kindly well (eg about the cousin being late) that wouldn't bother me as I'm not perfect either ie to show her a kinder way to be?
She sounds very childish being put out or jealous of get cousin's baby and I don't think any if this is good for her but it's hard to point out or help sometimes!

bonzo77 Sun 10-Nov-13 20:40:11

She sounds like a two faced bitch. As well as boring. What exactly does she contribute that is positive to the friendship?

CombineBananaFister Sun 10-Nov-13 20:40:37

*best. tired sorry.

WooWooOwl Sun 10-Nov-13 20:42:12

You aren't obliged to remain friends with this woman just because you found common ground in your teens.

Get rid. Friends should not require you to give away this much happiness and mental energy.

bellablot Sun 10-Nov-13 20:47:16

I find throughout your life you make friends and lose them, to me it's no big deal. You've outgrown her, maybe she's always been like this but you've never quite noticed as the things she now complains about actually touch a nerve.

Just stop contact with her, toxic people are draining, don't stress about it, it's life after all.

CanucksoontobeinLondon Sun 10-Nov-13 20:49:12

This sounds like an unhealthy friendship with an unhealthy person. I would gradually distance yourself and allow the friendship to gradually fizzle out if I were you.

PedantMarina Sun 10-Nov-13 20:53:22

I was ready to say the "leave the bitch" thing most others are doing until I got to the bit about her mother. I kind of feel sorry for her.

I think you need to be harsh with her. Tell her a version of what you've been telling us, that you don't want to be around that amount of draining, and that she really should sort herself out. Esp now that she might be doing the same thing with her own child. Then disengage.

And point her in our direction, esp the Emotional Abuse/toxic parents freds.

Sunbeam22 Sun 10-Nov-13 20:54:06

Thanks for your comments.

I just hope to think when her baby comes along. She will be happier and we will have nice things to talk about.

Honestly, the conversation I have with her are annoying.

I.e she has bought an isofix for the car seat. She said that one of the lads at work who has just had a baby didn't get one as he thought it wasn't worth it as his wife wouldn't be using the car. . So H my friend said that he was jealous of her I mean come on what a childish comment.

I don't have an isofix so does that mean I am jealous of her?! Jeez! Conversations are annoying with her. I can go and get an isofix but what's the point when we don't drive much as everything is local..... Urg!

Sunbeam22 Sun 10-Nov-13 20:57:50

Part of me does want to say something to her then let go and see what happens. Then at least I have tried.

I'm quite a tactful person (I hope to think) so will think it through. If she doesn't change then I need to move on. I hate the feelings I get before meeting up, the dread of having to listen to her and trying to bite my tongue.

Panzee Sun 10-Nov-13 21:00:33

If you dread meeting her then pleae don't. Nobody needs friends who make them. Feel like that.

HearMyRoar Sun 10-Nov-13 21:04:03

Being friends with someone should be fun, yes you might have ups and downs in a long friendship but if you are dreading seeing her that much it really is time to walk away inmho.

greenfolder Sun 10-Nov-13 21:06:18

Drop her you are getting nothing from this relationship

Sunbeam22 Sun 10-Nov-13 21:08:02

Deep down I know you are all right to walk away. I think it's because we have been friends for a long time.

I blame her mother rubbing off on her. She is awful. I'm just disappointed that she has changed and is not the person i used to know.

Nearlygran1 Sun 10-Nov-13 21:19:05

It took me until I was well into my late 40's- 10 years ago- to realise that school friends don't have to be best friends forever. Lives change and people too. Very recently my dearest, most longstanding and loyal friend died suddenly.

I have taken a big step back from a woman who I thought previously was a great friend for the last 10 years, who has just proved to be very self absorbed and not at all supportive during months of hospital, funeral and since. We probably all have different friends and acquaintances for different phases of our lives. Perhaps we have unrealistic expectations of them. You may not want to "never " see this friend of yours again. Perhaps you'll still see each other in the future. Other posters have said distance yourself for a while and it's good advice IME. Don't let this friend drain you. It's an exhausting and thankless task.

daisychain01 Sun 10-Nov-13 21:20:14

Sadly some relationships endure long past their sell by date. Just staying friends (toxic ones especially!) because of "tradition" and the passage of time, isn't a good basis really. Sounds like you get no joy from your contact with her and just a load of boring malicious wingeing. hmm

The expression "friends for a reason, friends for a season or friends for life" springs to mind. I think you are drawing your own conclusions the more you confide in us on this thread!

Hopefully she will be so busy and tied up with the new baby, you wont hear from her much any more. Job done!

PedantMarina Sun 10-Nov-13 21:20:45

Sorry, sunbeam, I don't see upon what that hope is based. Clearly, having a baby didn't make her mum happy or less of a whinger.

I still think you should both talk to her and disengage.

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