To be annoyed at dh

[Tristanandisolde]

Probably I am being really childish but I can't help but be annoyed.

I feel like dh constantly hijacks my 'friendly/nice' ideas to be even more seen as the nice guy.

The thing is, he is friendly and easygoing all the bloody time anyway so everyone, and I mean everyone, likes him. I on the other side am less easy with social situations and more comfortable having 'meaningful' conversations than idle chit chat. Therefore i am less in contact with certain people (for example neighbours) because he has established himself as the go to person. So far, so ok. C'est la vie.

However, whenever I suggest to get a gift (birthday card, bottle of wine, chocolates from holidays or when a neighbour is ill) he grumbles a bit and indicates that it will be 'expensive' or whatever. BUT THEN, he always, without a fail, takes the item and delivers it to said person without even checking with me . As a result, even though he says it's from us everyone thinks it was his idea. they send him text messages and emails saying thank you for x,y,z and he becomes even more the 'go to person' for everyone, never me.

Aibu to feel disgruntled as my way of relating to people is taken away from me and I end up feeling sidelined or even isolated?

[bundaberg]

well why don't you take control? take the item to the people before he has a chance to?

have you talked to him about this? he probably doesn't realise you feel this way, in his eyes he is just doing what you've discussed and won't see the issue

[Tristanandisolde]

For example, on our last day on the beach on holiday I suggested we leave our beach tennis and a nice parasol to a group of epode we had met whilst there. Without hesitating he took the rackets of me, walked over and gave it to them. Of course everyone thanked him enthusiastically and I was left feeling .

[Tristanandisolde]

I have talked to him. He just keeps on doing it.

[HumphreyCobbler]

Don't suggest stuff to him, just do it yourself

[JuneauWhoIAm]

Just be the doer then.
He probably thinks you're asking him to do these things in a way.
If he has always been the one to do things and if you tell him you're uncomfortable making idle chit-chat he will just do as he has always done.

Stop looking to him for reassurance, just do it.

[someonestolemynick]

Say:

"Hey husband, I'm going to give/ buy [item] to/ for". Go over and do it.

He might think he is helping you, because you find social situations difficult.

Alternatively, just go with him when he goes to carry out your nice idea.

[Tristanandisolde]

I went away on a work trip recently and brought back some special sweets from that country for our next door neighbour. Dh took the sweets and said, I'm popping over anyways, I'll give this to them.

[someonestolemynick]

Method a) "Wait a sec, I'll get my coat and join you."

Method b) "Could you leave them here please, I want to give them myself."

Speak up, you're not 12.

[Tristanandisolde]

But I feel like 12 when he outshines me this happens time and time and am quite ready to sulk or even (whispers) throw a temper tantrum .

I think he is the unreasonable one by not realising that he is stepping on my toes. He says he sees us as a team and that it doesn't matter who delivers the gift but I don't aaaaaaalways want to be a team [stamps foot].

realises that maybe, just maybe, this is to do with the fact that I am on ml and at home with two toddlers and don't get to ever do anything just on my own (still bf)

[Trills]

I agree with someone stolemynick

"Method a) "Wait a sec, I'll get my coat and join you."

This works and sounds reasonable

Method b) "Could you leave them here please, I want to give them myself"

This will make you sound a little odd as he almost certainly isn't doing it on purpose, but will both work and make him think next time he follows up on a suggestion you have made.

[trashcanjunkie]

Yeah, just try and hold back with your suggestions, which might feel a bit odd at first. When you've gone and given the gift/made the suggestion or whatever you can let your dh know, that way your setting a new way up of doing things. He'll still get to as well, but it will feel more equal, and you'll be able to feel less isolated in your community. He may not mean it, but he's being a bit controlling.

[Ifcatshadthumbs]

He's a blatant stealer of thunder! I would stop sharing your ideas and just get on and do them. Tell him afterwards that you popped round to xyz to give a gift.

[wakemeupnow]

Stop telling him before.. Do it yourself and present it as a fait a commplit. By the way you sound very kind and thoughtful.

[YouTheCat]

Tell him after you have given the gift.

[dreamingbohemian]

YABU

Surely you can pop next door for 5 minutes even if you're breastfeeding

You can order gifts for people online and have them delivered

I can see why you're annoyed but at the same time there are rather easy solutions to this problem

[Tristanandisolde]

Dream, I definitely would have time to pop across to neighbours for a bit (can always take the baby with me) it is precisely that dh always beats me to it that I take issue with.

[dreamingbohemian]

Oh good, but in that case, just stop telling him anything beforehand and go yourself.

Don't get me wrong, I think it's really weird he does that, especially if you've told him point blank not to. Deeply weird, even red-flaggy. It just seems like there's a pretty easy solution.

[Tristanandisolde]

Dream, why red flaggy?

[Retroformica]

Take control. Don't tell him your idea beforehand. Tell him after you have delivered flowers etc.

[Retroformica]

It really is as simple as not telling him what you have planned (hiding the gift) and telling him after. Take the little ones with you and be prompt with deliveries.

If he passes comment, use the 'don't worry we are a team, it's from both of us' line

[dreamingbohemian]

Because you've specifically asked him not to do this, a number of times, and he does it anyway. Because he grumbles privately about the expense then goes over all cheery like he's Mr Great Guy. I don't know. It's kind of weird and passive-aggressive and inauthentic.

Sorry I'm probably extrapolating too much. If this is his only quirk then it's harmless enough, plus avoidable. I just think it's weird.

[daisychain01]

Does your DH have narcissistic tendencies, ie always likes the glory, must be the centre of attention to the detriment of your involvement? Sounds like he just wants you to fade into the background.

Bugger that, get stuck in, don't let him steal the limelight, show him what you're made of!! Otherwise he will always trample on your feelings

[RenterNomad]

If you're on M, there's all the more reason for you to act as s person in your own right, and to be a full and plenipotentiary representstive of your "team".

Definitely stop telling hin your ideas. You will get his acknowledgement no matter what, but it seems that it's others' acknowledgemnt that you are starved of, and that's something there's very little of, on maternity leave, so don't keep sacrificing it! (nor let it be sacrificed/ appropriated!)

[RenterNomad]

Mind that you don't wrest all the relationship stuff from him, though, or you'll end up one of the doormats who daily tell their unhappy tales on MN...