To think my "d" h is a horrible twat?

(55 Posts)
Pinupgirl Sun 10-Nov-13 14:05:46

Far too much background to go into but dh and I are having a seriously bad patch. I actually really dislike him at the moment.

Anyway we go to the inlaws on a sunday for dinner.We get ready to leave to go to inlaws and our street is like an ice rink-literally. You cannot get to the car park without going down 2 flights of stairs which are treacherous at the best of times.

Dh marches on ahead despite me asking him to hold toddlers hand. So toddler I and I try to get down the stairs slipping and sliding everywhere. An elderly gentlemen coming along the street very kindly stops and asks if we did his help. I decline politely and point out that my dh is sat in the car watching us,to which the old man replies-"you should ditch him my love"

And you know what I just thought he is so right!!! I mean would your dh sit there and watch you struggle? Is that normal?

I managed to get toddler to the car and told dh I was no longer going to his parents as I couldn't trust myself not to lose it in front of them.

I am now sat here in tears and don't really know whysad

LondonNinja Sun 10-Nov-13 14:12:59

Is he always like that? And did he go alone?

Sorry you're upset. YANBU.

Financeprincess Sun 10-Nov-13 14:15:25

I'd be annoyed too. Selfish b*gger. Have you had a discussion about his behaviour yet? Sounds like he's sulking and trying to punish you. Don't let him.

Pinupgirl Sun 10-Nov-13 14:16:55

Yes he went with the kids. Yes he is always like this-I fell down a few of the stairs while hovering a few weeks ago. I screamed really loudly as I had twisted my leg under iyswim? He came out of room,asked what was wrong and then gave me a hmm look and just carried on!!

I posted under another name a few months back too when we were both ill with flu-its the worst I have felt in years as I never get sick. He came home from work early and stayed in bed for 3 days while I just had to get on with it-then he threw a strop as I didn't make the dinner one night as was too illangry

Yep he is a twat.

Pinupgirl Sun 10-Nov-13 14:19:28

I have had to just go and be sick. I feel shaky and anxious-need to get a bloody grip.

MammaTJ Sun 10-Nov-13 14:19:31

He was well enough to eat dinner, yet stayed in bed not helping you, when you were ill too.

Not helping with your child in slippery situation.

You had wise words from an old man! Listen to him!

HandMini Sun 10-Nov-13 14:20:37

Hi Pinup, sorry you're having this horrible time. I think I've seen you on S&B threads (sorry if I've got that wrong) and you always seem so lovely and friendly that I felt compelled to reply.

Is this a "bad patch"? Do you know what's caused it? Is there history?

You did the right thing in not going to the ILs. Sounds like you need some space to think.

HandMini Sun 10-Nov-13 14:22:34

And I don't mean to be alarmist but your shaky/sick reaction is pretty extreme - is that because he was so awful this time or because you are having serious doubts about the relationship and its all a bigger issue?

The reason I ask is that DH and I have rows pretty frequently but I've never felt physically ill from it.

Mumof3xx Sun 10-Nov-13 14:22:57

I would be asking what his bloody problem is!

Being lazy is one thing but watching you struggle on slippery steps with a toddler is awful, what if you had fallen!

BitOutOfPractice Sun 10-Nov-13 14:23:43

In answer to your question, my DP would not sit and watch me struggle.. In fact my DP would not have watched YOU struggle.

So no, YANBU

LondonNinja Sun 10-Nov-13 14:23:54

Does the thought of living life without him make you feel hopeful or regretful?

He sounds dreadful, OP.

RevelsRoulette Sun 10-Nov-13 14:23:54

No, it's not normal to watch someone struggle and not bother to help them.

EeyoreIsh Sun 10-Nov-13 14:25:45

How awful, that is really unacceptable behaviour.

RevelsRoulette Sun 10-Nov-13 14:25:54

Just read your later posts.

Doesn't sound like he gives a shit about you.

phantomhairpuller Sun 10-Nov-13 14:25:58

I saw your thread about when you were both ill. He sounds like a pig, I'm sorry.

You'll be better off without him by the sounds of things.

Keep your chin up.

Pinupgirl Sun 10-Nov-13 14:26:35

Yes I am always on s&b-talking about fashion is a hobby and a good outlet for me.

Yes there is huge history-far too long to go into but the jist of it is that he is financially abusive. I am a sahm to 4 dcs,he works long hours in a professional job.

He resents the fact that I don't "work"hmm and is very much of the attitude that his money is his. He refuses to discuss any practical solutions re me returning to work-eg how would be manage child care with his hours etc.

I have had some good advice on here and the financial situation improved a bit but he still treats me like a skivvy at home.

We have literally barely spoken a word to each other in monthssad but I cant find the strength to end it.

Groovee Sun 10-Nov-13 14:27:19

That's really sad, but I think the lovely elderly man is probably right.

canweseethebunnies Sun 10-Nov-13 14:27:59

He is treating you with utter contempt, and you are obviously seething with repressed rage! (Hence the shaking, feeling sick after a seemingly minor incident)

I very sorry you are in this situation. Once these dynamics are formed I think they're difficult to break (I've been there with xp).

Is there a reason that he has so much resentment towards you? Is it something you could talk through? Or is he just an epic twat?

SecretWitch Sun 10-Nov-13 14:29:55

Honey, I'm very sorry this happened to you. I wonder if your physical reaction is your body's way of telling you that you have had enough? The lovely old gent might have been spot on with his advice. Please be kind to yourself the rest of the day..

RevelsRoulette Sun 10-Nov-13 14:30:12

Think of it this way - you had your child and he was happy to see not only you but his child struggle and your child could have fallen and he didn't care.

So it's not only you he doesn't give a shit about, but your child too.

madmomma Sun 10-Nov-13 14:31:03

Oh pin that's awful.xx I do actually think you would be better off without him, and I don't say that lightly.

Think the elderly gentleman was right frankly.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships here; surely not this awful role model of one?.

Financial abuse is abusive behaviour on his part towards you.

I would also suggest you now start posting on the Relationships part of this website if you have not already done so. There is support to get you out of this situation but you have to take the first, often the most hardest of steps, to access it.

Pinupgirl Sun 10-Nov-13 14:34:28

I see how different my friends marriages are and it makes mesad-they actually like and respect each other. I don't think dh has ever really liked me as a person.

I know I should leave but its too scary to contemplate at the moment.

canweseethebunnies Sun 10-Nov-13 14:35:08

Ah, x post! (The reason he's unjustifiably cross with you!)

SpottedDickandCustard Sun 10-Nov-13 14:36:04

You may find yourself better off financially if you tell him to leave. Use the calculators to see how much you are entitled to.

Benefits here:

www.entitledto.co.uk

Plus you will be entitled to a % of his salary

www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance

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