About new partners' nudity in front of the children

(137 Posts)
Oxy81 Sun 10-Nov-13 11:56:59

I have past abuse issues so my opinion might be skewed on this one, but I've found out that our children (6 and 3) sometimes share showers with my ex's new gf and she often wanders round the house naked or in her underwear with them.

Now I'm sure nothing untoward is going on, but I am not sure about encouraging an environment where nudity and showers with other adults is just taken for granted as ok. I have no problem with nudity within the family, but with girlfriends and boyfriends of me or my ex it seems to be overstepping a boundary. What do we think? My barometer on this may be set to "weird" because of my past experiences.

kinkyfuckery Sun 10-Nov-13 11:58:11

I cannot think of a reason why it would be necessary for 3 and 6 year old children to shower with a new partner.

Mylovelyboy Sun 10-Nov-13 12:00:03

OP i totally agree with you. Its not right and not necessary. Please do not think you are weird because you are not.

clam Sun 10-Nov-13 12:00:33

Well, I have no issues around past abuse, and I would NOT be happy about this either. YANBU.

How receptive will your ex be if you raise it with him?

meditrina Sun 10-Nov-13 12:01:19

I think you're right to be concerned.

Wandering round naked happens, frequently and totally innocuously, in many households and that in itself wouldn't concern me.

Assisting small DC to wash is also normal.

But actually showering with them? I think that's a step too far.

FarOverTheRainbow Sun 10-Nov-13 12:02:17

I agree with you too OP

Oxy81 Sun 10-Nov-13 12:02:31

I've raised it with him, and he says he doesn't have my past experience so does not see it as weird.

I asked him how he would feel if they'd become used to this culture, and then there were a situation where a boyfriend of mine asked my daughter to shower with him, or stripped off in front of her, and she thought to herself "it must be ok as we do it all the time with other adults". I'm not sure if I'm being paranoid though, obviously. Helpful to hear others' opinions on this.

gemmal88 Sun 10-Nov-13 12:03:34

YANBU

It's completely unnecessary for her to be doing this, I'd speak to your ex about it. Even if there is nothing untoward going it's not right IMO

Mosschops30 Sun 10-Nov-13 12:03:49

I agree, not right and I wouldn't be happy.

AgentZigzag Sun 10-Nov-13 12:04:37

I had to tell a close family member that I didn't want DD showering with them when she was younger, children getting in with their parents is different, but this woman sounds a relative stranger, why would she want to?

I wasn't fussed what the person thought of me saying because it's my choice as her parent, and wouldn't that stand for you too? That you have a right to feel uncomfortable about this?

How is your ex likely to take you bringing it up?

Tabliope Sun 10-Nov-13 12:05:22

Completely agree with the others. Too familiar.

bragmatic Sun 10-Nov-13 12:05:38

I think it is very odd. I think the new girlfriend is very odd and wonder if they are both encouraging it. I guess it isn't impossible for little children to want to shower with a new girlfriend, but, well…It's just strange.

Oxy81 Sun 10-Nov-13 12:06:12

My only other experience of this is with my ex's own children (i.e. my step-children) who have been in my life for ten years since they were 2 and 4 themselves, and I always closed the door to change, wash, go to the loo etc. Not for prudish reasons, just because I don't think it's violates their own boundaries somehow.

AgentZigzag Sun 10-Nov-13 12:06:25

I don't have any abuse issues in my past either, or have any problems with having nowt on.

JinglingRexManningDay Sun 10-Nov-13 12:06:38

Why is his new girlfriend showering the children? Surely its the parents job to do that. How new is she?

Oxy81 Sun 10-Nov-13 12:08:16

When I say "new" they have been dating for a fair while but don't live together, and the children have spent some time with her. But we're not talking about a live-in situation, it's a situation where she has come for a date while they've been there, and so they've bumped into each other in the morning.

The kids really like her and I guess were just wanting to spend time with her. As I say, I'm not worried that anything is happening to them, it just seems to cross a line.

AgentZigzag Sun 10-Nov-13 12:08:19

Would he be OK with them showering with a man you hadn't known long?

Wandering about is different to nipping to get some clothes because wandering is a deliberate thing not to get dressed.

xCupidStuntx Sun 10-Nov-13 12:09:28

I'm all for boobs and bums on beaches and I'd like my DD to grow up knowing bodies are just natural if you know what I mean but I wouldn't be happy with this at all.
How would your ex feel if you had a man parading his hairy arse and bouncing balls around his kids?

Vivacia Sun 10-Nov-13 12:11:18

I think you're right and I think you're dealing with it correctly to - challenging the idea/habit rather than criticising the woman herself.

monicalewinski Sun 10-Nov-13 12:11:19

I have no previous history of abuse, so I have nothing to colour my opinion either way and I would not think this was ok.

At 3 & 6 there is no need to be sharing showers with an adult anyway and for what it's worth I agree with you re normalising nakedness in front of 'other adults' (ie not close family).

Please don't think you're weird, you're not.

fairy1303 Sun 10-Nov-13 12:12:47

I don't think YABU.

BUT

I will just add

When I first moved in with DH and his (then 4) year old daughter - she was OBSESSED with coming in the bath with me.

She would wander in when I was in there, cry about wanting to, be desperate to.

I didn't want to upset her and after discussing it with DH she used to come in with me quite regularly and was a really nice thing that helped us to bond.

That situation is different because she lives with DH, and I became a bit of a 'stand in mummy' in the absence on her own crap one,

but sometimes kids do desperately want it out of novelty.

I'm not saying that is right and I'm not saying in this situation it is ok, and of course, if you feel uncomfortable, that is your call, but I just wanted to offer another perspective.

SkullyAndBones Sun 10-Nov-13 12:12:54

the wandering around in the undies wouldnt bother me, wandering around naked and the showering would.

JinglingRexManningDay Sun 10-Nov-13 12:13:16

So she's not been in their lives long at all. No not comfortable with it at all. Their father should be seeing to their bathing needs.

SkullyAndBones Sun 10-Nov-13 12:16:19

i should add, i'm also a stepmum, but my DSD was 10 when i moved in with DH and 12 when she started doing overnights with us after DH & I married.. so she did come across me in my undies and fairly skimpy nightwear as our bathroom is downstairs. It didnt phase either of us.

Tikkamasala Sun 10-Nov-13 12:17:05

YANBU, I would not be comfortable with this

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