To think that trapping your dp into pregnancy is shocking?

(130 Posts)
annabanana84 Sat 09-Nov-13 13:34:42

I'm having issues with dp at the moment. I'm 29, he's 43 and we've been together over 3 years. We have lived together for all of this time. I have uterine fibroids and have become very broody. I realise that because of my illness and ages of me and dp, time is against us. I've just had my coil out in the view that dp and I can start ttc but he's now retracted and decided we should save up over the course of a year or so before we start ttc. To say I'm bloody disappointed is an understatement. I've been thinking about leaving dp because I'm so desperate for a baby, but we are slowly working through this and I've accepted that I have to wait til dp is ready.

I've confided my problems with a few friends and both of their solutions really shocked me. They both suggested pricking holes into condoms. I could never do that! When I have a baby with dp, I want it to be the right time for both of us! Also, dp would never forgive me if he found out!

annabanana84 Sat 09-Nov-13 16:21:27

What's wrong wally? What's with that face?

Boaty Sat 09-Nov-13 16:30:13

I'm very hmm and shock at this!
DIL came off the pill without telling my DS because she wanted a second child, he didn't, the idiot didn't use condoms because she didn't want him to she got pregnant, a couple of weeks later they had a major bust up over existing problems in their relationship, she threw him out.
So, they have 2 children, under 2, a very acrimonious relationship...but she has got her 2 children! confused
I am trying very hard to be a good MIL grin

Writerwannabe83 Sat 09-Nov-13 16:41:08

Was your son not suspicious when he was asked not to use condoms??? hmm

Gileswithachainsaw Sat 09-Nov-13 16:41:16

I think fry might have a point. He's 43 if he's not ready now when will he be. HE seems to have backed off now it's become a reality. You were in the same financial situation then as you area now and he was prepared to try.

I think he will just keep finding reasons why not to have kids tbh. I think you need to had a serious think about things.

But yanbu it is if course very wrong.

SilverApples Sat 09-Nov-13 16:41:42

Anna, no one should treat you with such little respect and trust. That last post shows him to be a complete arsehole.

annabanana84 Sat 09-Nov-13 17:11:16

Thanks once again for your replies. Maybe I've been more excited about babies than he has but that's because I know we may not have much time because if my uterine fibroids and our ages, well more his age.

I've told him all about my fibroids and what it could mean regarding fertility, I cried my eyes out on him when he said for the final time that we can't have a baby.

Tbh, all I feel like is a maid and cook at home. A baby would bring purpose to that and my whole body is crying
Out for a child of our own. I've waited such a long
Time for one and now we have a lovely home that I have tended to to make it beautiful, I have wonderful
In-laws and I feel, although financially it
Will most certainly be difficult, I have a whole heart full of love to give a baby. I'll make sure it never goes without where love and nurturing is concerned. I just can't wait a year or until P decides we have enough money saved up. What if we haven't saved anything next year, which is highly likely, and then he makes us wait longer?

Boaty Sat 09-Nov-13 17:22:18

She made a great thing about 'trust'! hmm He admits he was foolish to take her at face value, a whole thread on its own, and adores his children but its not an ideal situation and one I would not recommend to anyone!

TartinaTiara Sat 09-Nov-13 17:51:19

YANBU, it's despicable for anyone to trick their partner into becoming a parent. However, it's also despicable to string a partner along with promises that you'll TTC next year, or the year after, or in five years' time, knowing that you may be depriving them of the opportunity to have children.

Fair play to you for refusing to do the former, and only you know if he's capable of doing the latter, or if he's just trying to get you both into the best possible position to have children in a year or so.

It's not clear whether you've had a calm talk about this, and tried to agree what your (both of your) expectations and hopes are, and what timescales you're both willing to agree to. I'd be concerned in your shoes that if he's not willing to consider children at 43, it's possible that he doesn't want children at all.

You don't sound particularly happy in the relationship from your last couple of posts, but I know that something as major as whether to have children can colour how you feel - but if you feel like nothing but a cook and housemaid now, that'll be magnified 100x if you have a baby and he doesn't do his share, so this is really something you need to be agreed on.

HeartVHead Sat 09-Nov-13 17:54:24

Uh, don't read my posts in relationships...

Have a think about what your relationship with this man is actually like, OP. It does sound a bit as though he calls the shots - and he's a lot older than you. He might be the sort of man who likes having young, pretty girlfriends that he can basically be the boss of, and may even be considering dumping you for a newer model.

If you don't feel that he sees you as an equal, or as a person, then bin him anyway and find a nice man to have DC with. Also, if what you really want, most of all, is to have DC then remember that you don't have to have a couple-relationship with a man to do so - sperm banks, adoption etc are available as well, and those are a better idea than persisting in a crappy relationship just for the sake of having children.

Handbagsonnhold Sat 09-Nov-13 18:04:09

Hi Op....sounds like you have enough integrity to ignore you friends ridiculous 'advice' I hope you can talk this through with him. I'm younger than my partner....(slightly)....he was 46 when we had our first and will be 50 when our next arrives. He is fit....healthy....has a fabulous career and just didnt feel ready before. The pressure for men is just not the same as for us I'm afraid....I of course understand your perspective....

Good luck with your pending discussions.... Take care x

Handbagsonnhold Sat 09-Nov-13 18:11:53

Anna I have just re read thread and realised I had missed one of your earlier posts....I certainly wouldn't have written my prev reply had I have read that....I am so sorry you are obviously experiencing a huge lack of understanding on his behalf and to be honest it sounds like you deserve so much more....I hope you manage to sort things out.... sounds like he finds negatives when you clearly have so many positives....if it came down to actually affording a baby I don't think any of us would probably have one!!!!

Huge hugs....hope it works out x

Clargo55 Sat 09-Nov-13 18:21:56

This is your 3rd or 4th thread about this?
I think you should leave him if you ever want children.
He will make you wait until its too late, he doesn't seem to want them at all.

toffeesponge Sat 09-Nov-13 18:50:49

OP - this man is not the man to have children with, seriously.

BTW my mother got pregnant with me to trap my father. It did not work. He left her. She abandoned me.

Look for someone mature to have your family with.

nosleeptillbedtime Sat 09-Nov-13 19:00:50

Bit depressing how many people think 43 is totally ancient here. Me and my dh will be trying again when he is 44 and me 41. As for your age op, fertility only declines very slightly from 35 to 40 in women, despite the popular perception. I don't know about the impact of your medical condition but from your age alone things are fine for a while.
Writer seems to think 50 is nearly dead, but I know new dads who are 50 and doing fine.

Handbagsonnhold Sat 09-Nov-13 19:03:07

NoSleep....you've made me feel better thought it was just me!

HappyMummyOfOne Sat 09-Nov-13 19:04:03

He makes a very wise point, babys need more than love to survive and if things are tight now then how will you find the money for an extra person as well as expensive childcare?

Make a plan, work out what you can save, how you will fund childcare etc and talk about it like adults.

You are quite right not to trap him, very unfair on the man and child and makes for a dispicable human that could do that to others.

Phineyj Sat 09-Nov-13 19:12:15

We have recently had a baby. DH is 46 and it did take him a long time to be ready (but I dithered too).

But age is not the problem here.

You can find someone nicer than this.

Phineyj Sat 09-Nov-13 19:14:12

I am thinking someone I once knew, who said they couldn't afford children, until it was too late to have them. IME no-one who really wants children, does this.

Phineyj Sat 09-Nov-13 19:14:33

Thinking of

TheDoctrineOfWho Sat 09-Nov-13 19:18:41

Saving up for a year will not solve your paying for childcare issues.

Has he a target? Have you both starting putting money into an account? Do you think you will be getting married at some point?

If you are struggling financially now, then in a year, you'll be in the same position.

And from your posts, it sound to me that he doesn't want them at all, just a maid/cook with benefits. I do not believe this chap will willingly have children with you.

inadreamworld Sat 09-Nov-13 19:29:44

I don't think you should trap him into fathering a child but I do think you should dump him and find a man who does want to try for a baby. From your last post I feel that he is really really scared and he may never change his mind. You are young - but with your potential fertility issues you can't afford to waste time.

What are your incomes? Would you be entitled to tax credits?

As another poster asked .... are you (both) actively saving, or just talking about saving?

Just trying to work out if he's right about whether you would struggle to afford a child or not, or if the 'skintness' is just perceived.

FortyDoorsToNowhere Sat 09-Nov-13 19:37:19

If a baby is more important than your relationship you are in the wrong relationship.

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