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To think that trapping your dp into pregnancy is shocking?

(130 Posts)
annabanana84 Sat 09-Nov-13 13:34:42

I'm having issues with dp at the moment. I'm 29, he's 43 and we've been together over 3 years. We have lived together for all of this time. I have uterine fibroids and have become very broody. I realise that because of my illness and ages of me and dp, time is against us. I've just had my coil out in the view that dp and I can start ttc but he's now retracted and decided we should save up over the course of a year or so before we start ttc. To say I'm bloody disappointed is an understatement. I've been thinking about leaving dp because I'm so desperate for a baby, but we are slowly working through this and I've accepted that I have to wait til dp is ready.

I've confided my problems with a few friends and both of their solutions really shocked me. They both suggested pricking holes into condoms. I could never do that! When I have a baby with dp, I want it to be the right time for both of us! Also, dp would never forgive me if he found out!

janey68 Sat 09-Nov-13 13:37:39

YANBU of course it's shocking. Totally selfish act. Deeply unfair to consider bringing a child into the world when you know the father of that child doesn't want it

MammaTJ Sat 09-Nov-13 13:46:56

As far as your age, you have quite a bit of time yet, and as far as he is concerned, loads of time.

I had my first at 27 and my last at 39.

But, yes, I agree, trapping him into having achild he does not want is very wrong. My ExH did not want any more after DD, and I did think about this. Decided against it. It is hard enough bringing up a child you both want, let alone one only one of you wants.

RandomMess Sat 09-Nov-13 13:47:48

Yep it's wrong, and stupid.

However are you sure that the goalposts aren't going to get changed again? Does your dp really want to have dc?

DziezkoDisco Sat 09-Nov-13 13:52:26

He's 43, how ild does he need to be to be ready hmm

The trapping thing is terrible ( it's how dss was concieved, as his mum reasily admits! The olnly good thing is DSS exsists.)

akachan Sat 09-Nov-13 14:04:08

Pricking holes in condoms isn't going to work anyway. Suggest you get less stupid friends.

PukingCat Sat 09-Nov-13 14:12:00

Considering his age i can't imagine why he would want to wait or think its a good idea. As well as your health issues and how the combination of these two things means you may have real trouble conceiving, then to wait seems a really stupid idea.

Is he stupid op?

Or do you think that actually its a commitment issue and he may be delaying in the hope it never happens at all?

Does he actually understand the fertility issues? I would make sure he does and then make your decision.

toffeesponge Sat 09-Nov-13 14:21:50

Having a baby and being a parent is one of the hardest things you will ever do. Incredibly difficult even with a partner to support you but harder on your own for some people. If the child is born in resentment then the father could find it very difficult to bond with him/her and that just is not fair to the child.

You know your partner. Do you believe him that he wants to save then try and if so, why only thinking that now? You do have more time but another year for him to say no, still need longer than that is another 12 months you aren't available to meet someone who realises that you can't physically save enough money to bring up a child as they are an on-going expense and that when you are ready, you are ready.

Plenty of time we have read on here of men who say not yet, not yet then have a baby within a year with someone new.

Writerwannabe83 Sat 09-Nov-13 14:25:06

I'd be asking if he really wants children - I just can't understand why a man of that age would want to delay things???

Ok, he may have lots of time left speaking form a biological clock angle, but why would he choose to be such an older dad? Why would anyone want a toddler to run round after when they are nearly 50??

I'm currently pregnant with mine and my hubby's first baby and he is 31. It is very unlikely we will have a 2nd child but he said that if we did he would want us to have it by the time he is 35 maximum!!

I don't blame you for having thought about leaving...... hmm

Thumbwitch Sat 09-Nov-13 14:26:52

YANBU to be shocked, it's no way to deal with the situation.

However - will he ever be "ready"? I think there are many people who don't feel ready to have children - if we all waited until we were "ready" there'd be far fewer children in the world! I wasn't ready at 40, but by then I was already pregnant with DS1 so it was a bit tough, really! grin

Think long and hard about your DP and his reluctance - as others have said, it could just be an excuse. He could easily have thought a bit harder about the financial aspect of having a child before you had your coil removed, but oh no, he waited until afterwards - which suggests it's just an excuse.

Might be time to move on anyway - children never do work as cement in a relationship, although some may appear to on the surface - deep down, it isn't right.

WorraLiberty England Sat 09-Nov-13 14:28:49

Of course it's shocking...and just plain wrong.

ArtexMonkey Sat 09-Nov-13 14:39:58

Of course it's wrong, I don't think you'll get anyone telling you it isn't.

Otoh, your dp sounds like a commitmentphobic ditherer to me. I split with a similarly dithery partner when I was 29 (i was completely heartbroken btw) but met dh a few months later and had our first dc three weeks before I turned 31. smile when you know what you want you should go for it. To me there's no relationship in the world that could be better than having my dc.

annabanana84 Sat 09-Nov-13 14:44:06

Thank you for your replies. Because two friends in two totally separate situations suggested trapping him, I thought that maybe I was being the one that was unreasonable for feeling such shock at them. If I did get pregnant I would then have to lie yet again about the condom maybe being faulty. It would be a whole barrage of lies and dp and I pride ourselves on the trust we have in our relationship.

FreudiansSlipper Sat 09-Nov-13 14:49:56

of course it is wrong to try and trap anyone you know this

you both really need to be honest amd open about what you want and what your options are but do not wait forever for someone to change their mind when ou know what you want

For him to retract after you had your coil removed strongly suggests to me that he doesn't want to commit, and that babies are not high on his priority list.

I feel that if you wait for a year to save up, he'll find another reason why not to have a baby once that year is up. It's just an excuse.

I would never suggest to anyone to lie and deliberately get pregnant, because as you say, it's all about trust.

But I'd look at my priorities and if having a baby is so important to you, you seriously need to look at whether your DP is the right bloke to have them with.

ApocalypseThen Sat 09-Nov-13 15:01:26

If having a baby is this important to you, it sounds like it could be a deal breaker in your relationship. Personally, I think you're better off finding a relationship with someone who shares your life goals than tricking someone into enduring them.

But I wish you the best, whatever you decide.

toffeesponge Sat 09-Nov-13 15:07:14

I think FryOne has made a good point. Presumably you talked for a long time about trying for a baby before you had your coil removed so was he being totally honest now he has said no, let's wait once it has been removed? If he suddenly felt panicky he should have said. What plans for contraception now?

He is not the only man in the world but you do only get a certain amount of time to have a baby.

Give yourself a secret timetable for how long you are willing to wait and then if no baby then maybe it is new man time. Or have you already agreed to the year? What then if he says no, need longer?

TheRealAmandaClarke Sat 09-Nov-13 15:19:34

Well, it's not a good idea IMHO.
But I don't actually find it shocking tbh.
Has he changed his mind? What's he saving up for? For your mat leave?
Keep talking.

teacherandguideleader Sat 09-Nov-13 15:28:05

I think it is wrong to trap someone.

However, I think you should tell him that you want a baby and if that isn't what he wants then you will walk away (unless you would rather be with your partner child free than have children without him).

I am 29, DP is 40. He wants a baby, I don't right now and have put him off a few times as I have some big changes career wise coming up. If he told me it was now or goodbye I would seriously reconsider my career plans. Maybe your DP just needs a kick up the bum?

SilverApples Sat 09-Nov-13 15:30:22

Considering how many people seem to get pregnant accidently, you may not have to do anything at all. Condoms appear to fail on a regular basis.

SilverApples Sat 09-Nov-13 15:33:43

Oh, and I think being dishonest about your motives to anyone is not good, let alone something as important as a baby.

Sparkleandshine Sat 09-Nov-13 15:38:46

Just one other perspective here, my DH, agreed then changed his mind, agreed then changed his mind, then agreed then changed his mind, all in the space of about a month.... I stopped and started the pill 3 times.

He then agreed to TTC again, at which point i had a rant we had a discussion about how it was the last mind change and now irrevocable and he needed to be sure.... and no more mind changes... grin and that was that. do you think it might be nerves? mind you there's no way I'd wait a year to see...

annabanana84 Sat 09-Nov-13 15:50:32

ThA

annabanana84 Sat 09-Nov-13 16:10:54

ThAK you for all your replies. Before I had the coil out he would talk about how he would love to bring our kids to the caravan we stay at when we have them, things like that.

He's saying that he works all the hours god sends to pay the bills and we just cannot afford a baby. The things like childcare when I go back to work is what he says is the problem. I've cried to him, fallen out with him, threatened to leave etc...nothing. Now I have to wait and see what happens when we supposedly save for a baby. FFS, we. Struggle to save on an ordinary basis and our financial situation, jobs etc aren't about to change. He's dead set against babies and he won't come anywhere near me with his naked dick. He's too scared to shag me even with a condom, we haven't had sex for 3 weeks almost! We used to have sex every other day! We've tried twice. First time because he thought the lube I put on me was a baby making lotion or something and other time we were humping and his bare cock was touching the outside of my bottom and he got all scared and put his underpants back on and carried on trying to hump me. I just burst into tears and went to sleep on the sofa.

WallyBantersJunkBox Sat 09-Nov-13 16:13:59

hmm

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