AIBU to want to be a single mother?

(46 Posts)
SomeoneOld Thu 07-Nov-13 12:32:25

I don't like my H and haven't for a while. He is selfish, childish, and a liar. He doesn't care about me and our relationship is not equal. I found horrible porn videos on his phone yesterday, I object to porn on the whole but they were just awful. Don't know where they came from, he has form for camming with other women.

Thing is, he's manipulative and has everyone believe he is the victim, he hates his job and his wife is a nag, he's depressed etc. Whenever I find he's done something he just denies, denies, denies and makes out like I'm crazy. MIL begs me not to leave because he's 'vulnerable' hmm

I can't imagine being with another man, I don't want any of this shite again, it's not worth it. I would be happy to be alone, just me and my baby, forever. I wonder if anyone else has made this choice and is happy with it?

ThisWayForCrazy Fri 08-Nov-13 15:07:43

I would become single in a second if this was my life.

In fact, I did just that, and have never looked back.

Spirulina Fri 08-Nov-13 14:45:30

thepig is right.....a court would not condone the removal of him from the childs life over porn....its a rape type scenario.....yes,disgusting,but he hasn't broken the law. he may have viewed it the once and decided not to ever look at that type again. op doesn't say

thepig Fri 08-Nov-13 13:40:41

Sorry where did I say he would be a great role model?

And to the other poster please explain the need to insult me, I'm all ears smile

YouTheCat Fri 08-Nov-13 12:31:11

Indeed. Of course he'll be a wonderful role model. hmm What a ridiculous thing to say, Thepig - seriously.

Monetbyhimself Fri 08-Nov-13 12:21:05

Wow Thepig. Appropriate user name.

harticus Fri 08-Nov-13 11:57:50

There would be a lot of kids without fathers if we based the right to parent on the type of porn someone watches...

If a man is watching rape porn he is a useless imbecilic shithead of the first order.
If he is watching rape porn and has a young daughter he is beyond redemption.
OP - get rid of him asap for both your sakes.

thepig Fri 08-Nov-13 11:48:53

He is dd dad as much as you are her mum. You have no right to decide he can't be in her life just because you don't like the porn he's watched ffs.

What if he said he had decided you wouldn't play a part in her life for some arbitrary reason?

There would be a lot of kids without fathers if we based the right to parent on the type of porn someone watches...

As for your original question. YANBU. Sounds like you'd be much better off alone. He sounds like a dick.

spongebobmum Fri 08-Nov-13 11:19:44

I did, my exp was a liar as well as lazy, inconsiderate, a heavy drinker and verabally abusive on occasion... I had enough one day when our son was just a few months old and finished it, things were so much better for me once he left... despite the financial strain I was left with paying a mortgage and everything alone, I knew where I stood and wasn't putting up with his shit... I'm now with someone else but I was v happy alone and the day I left exp is the day I got my life back. Good luck whatever you decide op

xCupidStuntx Fri 08-Nov-13 09:50:59

I did!! But my ex sounds like a much nicer man than your DH if I'm honest, but it wasn't working out anymore I felt all the magic had gone from the relationship, he had stopped making any effort for me.
Now it's just me and my daughter and I can't begin to tell you how much I enjoy it, never bad atmosphere in the house, always laughing together, doing our own thing, she's much more secure now and well behaved because they sense when things aren't right.
I feel bad saying this because ex isn't a bad person at all but it's one of the best decisions I've ever made!

Monetbyhimself Fri 08-Nov-13 09:39:38

You deserve better. My abusive marriage finally ended when he had an affair. I was scared shitless smd had yo deal with his suicide/murder threats at the end. He is trying now, with the help of OW, to financially destroy me. I do think you have to be prepared for someone like your Ex to try to keep control of you no matter what. But there are plenty of strong, independent single mums in the lone parents board who can offer you advice and support.

samandi Fri 08-Nov-13 08:50:11

Oops, sorry got the wrong end of the stick. Yes, if you have a kid then leave him already.

samandi Fri 08-Nov-13 08:48:30

You'd be better off having a kid with a sperm donor.

samandi Fri 08-Nov-13 08:48:06

Why would you want to have a kid with someone like that? That would tie you to him for the next 18 years or so. Arranging access, payments etc. would be a complete nightmare.

Mattissy Thu 07-Nov-13 17:34:43

Shot, not shit (that was my ex, not my chances at life, lol)

Mattissy Thu 07-Nov-13 17:33:49

Leave, you can't stay with someone out of pity or misguided duty, you only have one shit at life, make it a happy one!

Best thing I ever did was leaving my tosser of an ex, slightly different as we weren't married and had no kids but still stayed with him as I thought I was making his life better and he'd suffer without me. Regret staying so long now, I was just putting off the inevitable.

Good luck Someone. Any advice you need you will find it in 'relationships' topic thanks

Spirulina Thu 07-Nov-13 17:20:19

don't underestimate a man who has had his control removed

SomeoneOld Thu 07-Nov-13 17:18:38

tbh I won't need to 'block' contact, if I take DD more than walking distance away from here he won't bother to visit.

Spirulina Thu 07-Nov-13 17:13:14

twosteps that financial independence takes some getting used to doesn't it! feels good though...

Spirulina Thu 07-Nov-13 17:12:06

there is no specific 'help' for lone parents......its all a caseof wether you qualify for certain benefits. its a myth that there are lone parent benefits. there aren't!

so....are you going to block contact on the basis that he viewed porn? that wont work if it gets to court. you have a long stressful road ahead of you if you think you can block contact

HowlingTrap Thu 07-Nov-13 17:09:26

he has form for camming with other women.

jesus u deserve a medal for still being there!

TwoStepsBeyond Thu 07-Nov-13 17:01:05

He sounds awful, do LTB, I did for much less than this and I've never been happier. Being single mum to 3 with all the responsibility that entails, is still far better than being a downtrodden emotionally abused wife.

And fwiw I'm financially better off now, as I do get help wi tax credits etc and his maintenance but the main difference is I can choose how that money is spent, not him, so if I want to buy a new coat for DS or a jumper for myself, I can do it without 20 questions when I get home.

Mia4 Thu 07-Nov-13 16:55:40

OP, forget the whole single mother thing, your question should be: Do I want to continue being in a relationship with a childish, manipulative, useless liar. Sounds like the answers no and I think everyone would be echoing the same in your situation.

My friend got free of someone who was dragging her badly down like this, she was pregnant at the time and it was a really hard step especially when he didn't want to give up all the benefits he got by being with her. She's stronger for it-takes no shit and knows immediately now when people are starting to play games. She now has a lovely DP who is a better dad to her child then his biological father.

whatshallwedo Thu 07-Nov-13 16:28:36

Thank you, you could do it too if you believe you would be happier (not doubting that you would be but only you can make that decision)

I do wonder npw though how I could ever trust another man after all of his lies but that is something to work on for the future.

He does see dd frequently and I think we will both have a better relationship with her as our home life is much more relaxed.

SomeoneOld Thu 07-Nov-13 16:10:26

Sounds just like my H, well done for getting free.

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