DS hitting other kids in preschool - AIBU to not know how they want me to react?(20 Posts)
DS is four and a half, he started preschool in September as we're in scotland. He's been getting on fine until last week when the staff started reporting ear day that he'd been hitting another child. This has happened every day for the past week. I'm increasingly dreading going to get him as they are very serious about it , saying things like " he was laughing about it" and " the other child is scared of him".
I'm mortified and worried obviously, and we've have reinforced DS's boundaries, talked to him about it lots and lots, put in place rewards and consequences, talked to his other nursery about it , and they have no concerns. I've even spoken to the parents of the children who he has hit about it, who have said not to worry, they aren't, they are just glad it's not the other way round just now.
The preschool keep telling me about his behaviour every day though in a very concerned way and i'm not sure what else to do. Am I wrong to think that it's probably just a phase that'll pass, and in the meantime everyone should just keep consistent and not over react? My son also had some special needs, and while i don't wish to excuse him, i kind've wish they wouldd come at the issue from how they can support him rather than how badly he's behaved. This is my first child in preschool, what am i meant to do? parent's evening tomorrow. help?
Bring it up. I would say ask for a meeting but you have a parents evening so that's a good place to start. You are clearly concerned at how the behaviour is being perceived so open the lines of communication. While I wouldn't say its normal its not abnormal either, its just behaviour
I would bring it up with them. Haven't been through this personally but imagine the nursery also have to take a part in making sure it doesn't continue.
We've already met with them a couple of weeks ago with regards to his special needs, to arrange for his OT and Physio to go in to the nursery on a regular basis. So the channels are open on that and they have been receptive. I'm not sure how to approach this though
I would ask them two things. What they plan to do about it, and what you can do at home to support them.
How do they deal with his behaviour at nursery ? Perhsps having an agreed action plan with them would help them ?
They haven't really said what they'll do about it, it's just been them telling me how badly he's behaved when i've picked him up
How about being proactive and saying "Am I taking the right steps? This is how I intend on dealing with the situation is there anything that you will be implementing so that it can be a consistent message both at home and at nursery."
How about role playing the situation at home? Is something bothering him? Has me made a circle of friends or have the other children but not him and so he now feels left out? Is he hitting as a response to not being able to access something like not knowing how to ask for a toy that someone else has?
I think he's partly normal 4 year old boy going through a phase, and partly a frustrated wee boy of challenged mobility and ability trying to keep up with 40 of his peers. He's told me he doesn't like it when people push past him and come too close to him. He has got a big temper though, I see that at home. He lashes out without thinking. I don't think he even realises what's happened alot of the time
Role play might help him empathise how it feels to be hit by someone (clearly not hitting him) 'he could 'put on someone else's shoes' literally and get into character. How about giving him something to work with, say for example if someone pushes past give him a bank of acceptable things to do or say.
"Please don't push past me, you might knock me over"
"Please be careful you hurt me when you pushed past"
"I don't like it when you do that"
"Can you not play too close to me I am worried you will bump into my tower"
"Stop! You are too close to me and I don't like it".
Get him to practise saying them to family members until he feels confident enough to use it at school.
I think you need to know. You have to be kept in the loop. And yes you do need to know that the other child is scared or he was laughing whilst hitting. You need to support them in challenging his behaviour.
It's all very well nursery keep bringing it up, they need plans in place to address it, as youare trying at home.
OP i really feel for you. We went through this two years ago its incredibly hard. Ds has speech and language problems and hit out in frustration.
Firstly ask how they would like you to support them but also tell them "you cannot control him when you are not there!"
Ask what their behaviour management plan is and if you don't think it will work for your Ds suggest a different one. Ours was if they saw Ds do something good/ kind they gave a sticker, if he hit he lost it. Three stickers at end of day and we rewarded him at home.
Also ask for a home/school communication book so you don't get called in by teacher every day. They will write in the book and you can reply. Also ask them to record all incidents and what was going on around at the time so patterns can be identified as to when hitting most likely to occur. Lastly decide on a more appropriate reaction for your Ds eg. to tell instead of hitting and get staff to encourage this and if he does reward with eg. the sticker. So for our Ds we would have said "no your not allowed to hit you have to use your words".
It does get better. We also got support through statementing process.HTH
marking my place, I've been/ am here.
make sure you are hearing all sides!
It took me a year to be told by another SM 'I want you to know its not just him,other kids provoke sometimes knowing how he'll react' he's under CDC investigation atm I suspect Asperger tendencies, I suspect it runs in DH family and Autism is in mine.
So after all that time to hear an aspect of bullying was at play make the situation totally different,
Talk about it with him at home, at times of calm,
I have some of the most honest, revealing convos at bedtime.
if your son has special needs then you really need to speak to the sen at the school is the preschool attached to the primary , and ask what they are going to do to help him not hit other children, also do say to them that you are doing you can to set boundries for him and you are upset that other children are being hit , and again ask what THEY are doing about it, if your son has sn then he needs better support and supervision , I hope you get it sorted and remember the nursery may not be having a g o at you but just telling you how he was that day
They need to work out when he's hitting and from that, why. Could he have some sensory issues I wonder...he doesn't like it when others brush past him or push him....if he's highly senstive he could be needing some care over that. My friend's child has some sensory issues and to him, a brush feels like a punch.
I would see the SENCO and also the GP about it.
Sounds like they're just tell tailing without doing anything or suggesting anything to improve his behaviour. That would make me angry.
When dd went through a similar phase at nursery at around age 3 the nursery discussed a plan with me to nip her behaviour at the bud. It involved loads of praise for good behaviour, incentives at home and talking in a group about how not to upset your friends and moving her into the room with older children for a few hours a day to make her feel special and less frustrated as it was thought the younger children couldn't interact with her the way she wanted.
It took about 2 weeks of me telling dd at home that if she had a good day at nursery she'd get an ice lolly when we got home.
You need to work with the nursery to put an end to this. If they're not suggesting anything then it's not a very good place for your DS.
this is all really helpful, thanks so much. making notes for parents evening x
OP how did u get on at parents evening?
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