To feel that prospective Brides need to accept that their future Husband had relationships and family before they met.

(129 Posts)
diaimchlo Wed 06-Nov-13 07:31:38

Will try to keep this as short as I possibly can.... (sorry will be long though)

After leaving my EXH 14 years ago our relationship has been up and down, I have tried to keep it on good terms for the sake of my 5 DCs. When he remarried he lost all contact with our DCs and his close family due to the new wife and her actions.

When they separated finally a couple of years ago he got in contact and we talked loads as he seemed to ring me to offload his feelings and problems. There has never been a chance of us reuniting it was like being good friends and he started rebuilding his relationships with our DCs and their children.

He told me in April this year he had met someone else and was going to be taking it slow as he needed to be sure that there would be trust in the relationship. Then a couple of months later they announce their engagement, which he said would be a long one. All of the DCs were invited to the engagement party and voiced that they liked her and their Dad was happy. But over the last couple of months things seem to be coming to the surface and my DCs are voicing their dislike and disgust in her.

Now to get to the point. It was my daughter's wedding on Saturday and her Dad was giving her away. So obviously his fiance was invited but insisted that she sat next to my Ex, which I felt disrespectful to myself, I told my daughter this but said that I would tolerate it as she was scared that her Dad may not give her away if we did not allow it. I would like to add I had not met her till the day of the wedding. My Ex was still ringing me when he was at work mainly talking about his Dad who is terminally ill and the wedding, he was scared he would not make it to give my daughter away. My DD phoned him and she answered the phone saying that my Ex was at work, so my DD said she would ring him, only to be told by her not to do so. My daughter disregarded what she said and rang him. She let her know 2 days before the wedding she was not speaking to her because she disobeyed her, am pleased to say that my DD put her in her place.

On Saturday I saw her for the first time, she sat next to my Ex, grabbed his hand as soon as he sat down after giving DD away, had a face like a slapped backside all the time..... both her and my Ex left straight after the ceremony, he wanted to get back to his Dad, which I fully appreciate, but he promised to stay to give his speech. He was only on one photo a big one including all the guests and low and behold she barged next to him, he was standing next to DD so I just stood at the very end. She went to my DD and said they were going, never said goodbye, not at any point did she congratulate or made comment to my DD about how beautiful she looked. She basically got him out of there as fast as she could.

Since then my Ex has rung me once a short 5 min call to ask how my Dd was.... he never mentioned his OH but it was obvious there had been tension, he said that he would ring me if there was any news on his Dad, which sent me the message don't ring me I'll ring you.....

I can see the same happening again and even though my DCs are adults now it does not hurt any less.........

Morgause Wed 06-Nov-13 07:38:19

She sounds a nightmare but it's your ex who needs to deal with it. He's allowing this behaviour.

LovelyMarchHare Wed 06-Nov-13 07:43:12

She hasn't done herself any favours has she? You did very well not to say something and good on your DD for standing up for herself. However, I agree your Ex needs to put a stop to this nonsense as, at the moment, he is clearly allowing it to happen.

mamapants Wed 06-Nov-13 07:56:51

Agree she's being a nightmare but not really sure where you expected her to sit in a ceremony where she won't have known anyone.

WooWooOwl Wed 06-Nov-13 08:07:52

To answer your title, YANBU. But whether this woman is unreasonable or not isn't the point.

Your ex is the parent here, it's up to him to prevent himself from being henpecked to within an inch of his life and stick up for his relationship with his adult children. The responsibility is his, not hers.

lottiegarbanzo Wed 06-Nov-13 08:14:13

Where would your dd have chosen to seat her? Anywhere other than next to her partner would seem a bit odd to me. It's not as if you are recently separated and pretending all is united for the sake of the wedding.

It sounds as if it's you who needs to accept that he's moved on and will have other significant relationships.

His behaviour was his. Rushing off before giving his speech, with no prior warning, was pretty awful. Even if his father is at death's door, he could have warned your dd that leaving suddenly was a possibility.

futureforward Wed 06-Nov-13 08:18:58

The relationship with this woman is not going to last, and one day in the future he is going to look back on his daughter's wedding day and feel such regret.

diaimchlo Wed 06-Nov-13 08:19:55

She did know others and tbh if the boot had been on the other foot I would have been respectful and sat behind with family members I knew. Other guests at the wedding voiced their opinions on her rudeness...

I agree my Ex needs to grow a pair and sort this situation out amicably but oh dear poor thing is scared of being on his own and going on past issues history is repeating itself and that worries me.

there is a lot more to this story but that would have meant writing a full length book and i am sure you would all have got bored.

apachepony Wed 06-Nov-13 08:21:20

Your ex doesn't sound like much of a man, if he were he wouldn't have lost contact with his children on the say so of his ex wife.
But confused as to why current lady wouldn't sit beside her fiancé at your daughter's wedding? Sounds like you might be a bit difficult hence why the fiancée may not be the warmest?
No matter how difficult you are (or his ex wife) still no excuse for him previously losing contact with his children, you've let him off v lightly there

LittleBairn Wed 06-Nov-13 08:23:19

He sounds like a very weak man. YANBU while it may not be your place to infer they are still your children I can understand it hurts to see them treated this way. But it's their father who is at fault for being pathetic not the woman in his life.

Canthaveitall Wed 06-Nov-13 08:23:34

She sounds like my step mother who did a similar thing at my wedding. She even walked back up the aisle with my FIL leaving my mother trailing behind in her own. Your ex needs to sort this out. I wouldn't say anything it will only make you look bad.

Anchoress Wed 06-Nov-13 08:35:48

Look, I can see why you were unnerved in the circumstances, given that ExH has a history of abandoning his children when in a relationship. But I think you need to lay that squarely at his door, even though you are happy being on amiable terms as co-parents, not at his partners. This woman sounds insensitive, but your daughter is an adult and not a vulnerable child, and can handle her own relationships now. Let it go.

Tailtwister Wed 06-Nov-13 08:40:04

At our wedding my father sat next to my mother at the church and his new partner sat with her parents who were also invited. During the meal dad sat next to my MIL and my DM next to my FIL as is traditional. IMO the new partner/wife should take a back seat on the day.

Meglet Wed 06-Nov-13 08:47:26

Why didn't you let your ex sit next to his new fiance? confused . Sounds like everyone's being a bit childish TBH.

diaimchlo Wed 06-Nov-13 08:50:46

apachepony Sounds like you might be a bit difficult hence why the fiancée may not be the warmest?

Did you really mean to be so rude??? She had never met me, I have never done or said anything to this woman!!! have you actually read the whole post. Out of respect for my family I kept quiet because I put their feelings first.

Anchoress I do lay the blame very squarely at his door. TBH seeing my daughter in tears regarding the situation the day after her wedding does not remove the maternal instinct, however old they are they are still your babies.

My youngest DS, 21, has suffered through all of this to the point he has a social phobia, he finds it difficult to embark on any relationship in case he loses it, so being adults does not always make them able to cope.

ilovesooty Wed 06-Nov-13 08:52:06

You sound determined to blame his fiancee for his weaknesses and his total lack of commitment to his children. I feel a bit sorry for her. She'll soon find out what an apology for a human being he is. However you are coming over as someone saying 'poor thing, he's only a man, and it's all that nasty woman's fault' and you're apparently happy to overlook the inconvenient truth that he is responsible for his own actions.
He could have been a decent father but he wasn't. You're colluding with him while he hides behind his fiancee's skirts. Most unpleasant.

diaimchlo Wed 06-Nov-13 08:53:11

Meglet read the opening post, she did!!!!!!!! It was me that allowed that I could have been difficult but hey that is not in my make up.

diaimchlo Wed 06-Nov-13 08:53:56

Tailtwister thankyou smile

ilovesooty Wed 06-Nov-13 08:54:08

Cross post. Your OP still focuses on blaming his fiancee though.

TheFabulousIdiot Wed 06-Nov-13 08:56:32

The problem seems to be equally that of your ex.

diddl Wed 06-Nov-13 08:58:15

So it's never his fault, just the women he chooses?hmm

diaimchlo Wed 06-Nov-13 08:58:38

ilovesooty

"I agree my Ex needs to grow a pair and sort this situation out amicably but *oh dear poor thing is scared of being on his own*"

If that is what you are referring to that was an attempt at being sarcastic!!!!

I have actually told him he has made his bed and he must lie on it FGS.

I do not blame her at all for his weakness, what I blame her for is the total disrespect shown at the wedding!!!! and a few other tricks she has pulled over the last few weeks. There lies another story.

ilovesooty Wed 06-Nov-13 08:59:18

The whole OP is couched in really hostile language towards the fiancee. Hardly a word of criticism about your ex. And you do sound difficult to me, I'm afraid.

ilovesooty Wed 06-Nov-13 09:02:29

She is his partner now and wanted to sit with him. I don't think that qualifies as a 'total lack of respect'. Nearly all your account is coloured by your own interpretation and simply indicates that you don't like her. That's how you cone over to me anyway.

diaimchlo Wed 06-Nov-13 09:03:37

Well you learn something new every day on MN.....

Today my lesson is that I sound difficult. Thank you

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