When do you "allow" your kids to delete you from FB

(53 Posts)
Gossipmonster Tue 05-Nov-13 22:54:56

DS1 is 16. He's a good kid, doesn't go our much, very image conscious (won't invite anyone over as we are "embarrassing" - we are quite normal). I am a single mum most of the time as OH (not his dad) is in the Navy and lives on base 600 miles away.

Made him wait till 14 to have FB he is now 16 and wants to delete me although has my parents sister etc on there. He is respectful of what he sees as my pretty strict rules (for his 16th bday he was allowed to play 18 games).

I kind of understand though that he wants his privacy and really want him to feel able to have his mates over and that I trust him - but he has his wider family on there (including his dad and his dads family who live abroad and all hate me and have blocked me) so I kind of want to monitor what he is putting out there.

Argh what do I do? Or do I just tell him to make another account for just his mates?

Strumpetron Tue 05-Nov-13 22:56:37

Christ my brothers go through spells of deleting my mum then re-adding her (usually when they get with and split up with girls)

I think if he's old enough to have a social networking account, he's old enough to not have you have you as a friend.

Gossipmonster Tue 05-Nov-13 22:57:48

They had them at 14 on the proviso I was their friend and had their password (although I have never snooped).

SwedishEdith Tue 05-Nov-13 23:00:29

I think 16 is old enough to delete you.

Strumpetron Tue 05-Nov-13 23:01:56

Ah right, in my humble opinion I think you should let him delete you, cut the strings a bit and give him a bit of freedom online. At 16 he should be able to know what is and what isn't acceptable to say when wider family can see it.

If it's the wider family that's the main issue - does he really want to have them on or is it just a matter of they added him, he kept them on?

MammaTJ Tue 05-Nov-13 23:03:51

This has never come up with my 18 year old DD, but you should let him delete you at 16. That was when my DD had her own, unknown to me, password!

Gossipmonster Tue 05-Nov-13 23:04:51

I think my biggest fear is him doing something out of order or ill advised and his dad/dads family pointing it out to me and it being used as more ammunition to tell me what a crap parent I am sad

usualsuspect Tue 05-Nov-13 23:05:19

I think at 16 he's old enough to decide he doesn't want you on his fb anymore.

YesterdayI Tue 05-Nov-13 23:06:07

I got deleted when my kids were about 16'ish. I was always very strict about Internet usage and Facebook but I thought my kids were responsible enough at 16'ish. They don't use their proper names, have faked birthdays (off by a day or so) and have their privacy settings set. There Facebook accounts are also linked to a Facebook-only email account which is not linked to their usual Email accounts.

If he is a good kid then I think you have to trust him at some point. Now my eldest kids are at University I positively don't won't to see their Facebook pages. grin

I deleted my Facebook account a couple of years ago so I couldn't be their friend now even if they let me.

Gossipmonster Tue 05-Nov-13 23:07:39

And also hard for me for him to have all those people on there who have done nothing towards his upbringing but delete me.

I know the rationale is that I am too closely involved in his day to day life to be on there.

Maybe I can just ask my sister to keep an eye?

Gossipmonster Tue 05-Nov-13 23:09:03

Not delete me :S

Be horrible and slag me off.

KissesBreakingWave Tue 05-Nov-13 23:10:40

I think someone needs to quietly explain to the lad that what he does is sort his privacy settings so you don't get to see the juicy stuff. While you have a sneaky 'not me honest' account on his friends list - put there because you have access, which you should test regularly - so that if there's a real life-or-death deal you actually get to see it.

Since he hasn't rumbled point one - yet - you won't have to play paranoia games of figuring out if your mole account has been rumbled yet and is being fed disinformation and so on.

I figure when DS2 has learned enough to keep me out of his business, he's earned the privacy. Meanwhile, he's learning lots, fast. He's still not tumbled to how I'm really getting in, and I'm not posting that on here because he's nearly good enough to track me. Wotcha, kaiju. grin

MistAllChuckingFrighty Tue 05-Nov-13 23:13:04

16 is ok, IMO

Gossipmonster Tue 05-Nov-13 23:14:35

Thinking regarding the family situation I might just suggest he has another account for his mates/personal life.

If he hasn't already.

Miniph Tue 05-Nov-13 23:25:54

He doesn't need a seperate account, just to add all the family people to a list, then set his post visibility to 'custom - friends, except 'family''. Then if he wants everyone to see something it's just a quick change to 'posts visible to friends'.

Strumpetron Tue 05-Nov-13 23:31:11

^Thinking regarding the family situation I might just suggest he has another account for his mates/personal life.

If he hasn't already^

Seems a bit of a rigmarole for him, also Facebook doesn't allow duplicate accounts. I think the issue here is your feelings towards what people will think about you, not your DS's usage. I don't think it's fair on him to let that happen.

YesterdayI Tue 05-Nov-13 23:45:44

Facebook is a bit crap at regulating itself. It is quite a bit harder than it was to have two accounts but nothing past the capabilities of most teens

SwedishEdith Tue 05-Nov-13 23:54:15

Don't you just need 2 email accounts to set up a bogus account? My bogus account always used to pop up as a friend suggestion for me. But, yes, making a group for Family would be more straightforward

Strumpetron Tue 05-Nov-13 23:56:51

Yeah I know but it seems silly to do so just because the OP is worried about opinions of others. Like people have suggested he can stop them being able to read his posts etc.

HarryStottle Wed 06-Nov-13 07:41:32

I told my son he could unfriend me at 16. A few months later I'm still there. However I suspect his settings are such that I don't see his posts.

DixonBainbridge Wed 06-Nov-13 08:11:39

My lad unfriended me when he was 16. He's got my mum & all my relatives as friends though!! I think we're too close to home for him TBH & it came across as snooping (and it did almost feel like reading his diary).

I do sometimes get "OMG, how's XXX? He said YYY" texted from my Mum & have to confess that I don't know what he's written, sometimes its worrying stuff (he's sad, fed up, upset), other times he's blagging them! His older brother (21) is a friend & keeps an eye on him for me, but it's not something I lose too much sleep over....

mitchsta Wed 06-Nov-13 13:09:49

I think he's old enough to delete you. I'm well old now (30) but there are still some family members I'm happy to have as my FB friends (80 YO great uncle who lives in the States, an aunty, my mum's friend, etc) and some that I'm not ('gossipy' aunt who would use anything she possibly could as a way to dis my DM's parenting skills... even now! - her own kids won't add her either probably because there are almost daily photos of them completely paralytic on their uni nights out ) I love my parents dearly, but at 16, hell would have frozen over before I befriended my dad on Facebook.

My point is, there are all kinds of reasons that he might want to remove you and not other relatives. He might not even know why. Or it could just be something like "it's too weird." Maybe he doesn't give as much of a sh1t what his dad thinks of him, but doesn't want to risk you seeing things that might disappoint/worry/upset you or whatever. I really have no idea, just speculating.

Don't worry about what other people think. If they use FB to judge your parenting skills, they're wankers.

OHforDUCKScake Wed 06-Nov-13 13:20:04

They delete you?!

That sucks!

sonu678 Wed 06-Nov-13 13:24:53

I think the op is being excessively controlling. The child is 16, that means he can get married without his mothers permission. In two years time he will be old enough to go off to war. IN america he is old enough to have the death penalty enforced on him. I could go on and on and on. Let the kid grow up a little, and I am not referring only to fb. You want your son to be a man, not tied to mummy's apron strings.
That sounds a bit more harsh than I mean it to. But I'm not sure how to say so without being harsh. And yes,I am still mad at my ds for deleting me from his fb account. He is also a good kid like you have described, but he doesnt want his mom on there.

Gossipmonster Wed 06-Nov-13 14:34:33

Erm - he would need my permission to get married in the UK.... hmm

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