to be frustrated with the way dh cares for dd?

(35 Posts)
FigRolls Tue 05-Nov-13 22:31:36

I work from home and have my youngest who's one with me while my eldest is at school. Dh hasone weekday off where he has our one year old so I can make calls for work etc. On this day (today) he's supposed to be in charge of the school run, looking after dd then school pick up and taking to extra curricular activity.

I showered this morning, made packed lunches for both children, walked the dog and packed dds book and after school activity bag. Woke dd for school, brushed her teeth, did her hair, got her breakfast etc. I hear one year old stirring at 8.10. They need to leave at 8.25. It goes quiet and I go up to find dh shushing her back to sleep...! I explain the time and say dd needs to be up and dressed, he goes to brush his teeth etc so I get dd dressed and fed, he strolls down at 8.20 and puts the kettle on!? He then went to his mum's for the day, dd hardly ate a thing, she'd only had 20 mins nap and so was starving and worn out after dds activity. She's clung to me all night, has been really tired so too fussy to eat properly and so also hungry. Tomorrow I know she'll be catching up on sleep and probably nap for 3+ hours which means we can never do anything the day after he's looked after her. Aibu to think he should care for her properly rather than just 'make it through' the one day he has her?

No worries, xmas ! It's hard tbh. Dd started cruising at 7 1/2 months and is nearly totally walking now and her party piece is closing my laptop or mashing the buttons hmm

Lancelottie Wed 06-Nov-13 12:19:13

Oh dear.
Having seen both your current threads I stand by my comment that he sounds really annoying.

Any idea why the previous relationship broke down? <whistles...>

mummymeister Wed 06-Nov-13 12:14:20

agree with mitchsa. so long as you keep doing it then so will he. he is an adult. you are an adult. you manage to get up and deal with the children then so should he. you just have to grit your teeth and let it fail next time or it will never change. If you aren't prepared or able to do this then stop moaning about it and accept it as it is. if you don't then this half way house where you don't like it but wont deal with it will eat away at you and your relationship. make a plan for the next time, stick to it.

He sees it as a sign that she's securely attached to him, but not me

Sorry but your partner (ha!!) Sounds like a total prick. He is lazy, and is undermining your confidence and relationship with your children.

Not only does he leave you to do everything, but he makes ridiculous statements like the one above.

I would put money on there being more to this. Does he say anything else like this to you OP? Does he criticise you?

mitchsta Wed 06-Nov-13 12:07:23

He's like this because he can be. Others are right when they say it's up to you to stop doing everything for him if you want him to start making the effort. He needs to learn to get himself and the kids up and ready - no questions. No doing it for him if he doesn't. No making sure he's doing things your way - let him figure it out for himself and shut yourself away to get on with your work. He's an adult. You're making excuses for him every time you reply here. Unless you're willing to do something differently, things will stay the same and your frustration will grow.

LayMeDown Wed 06-Nov-13 11:53:28

Look FigRolls your husband has (I assume) no SN. He is as far as we know a fully functioning adult man. There is no earthly reason that he can't get himself and two children up, ready and out of the house for school. He manages a demanding job, I am sure he can cope with this. He just doesn't choose to, because he doesn't have to. You enable him in this.
Now if you are happy to accept this lazy attitude to you and your children then fine, but you are not happy to are you? Are you seriously telling me that left to his own devices (if say you dropped dead in the morning) your child would never get to school. Of course she would. He will behave like an adult if he is expected to.
By not expecting him to do his job you are making life difficult to yourself. Make him get up with the baby, she will get used to it. Feed her and hand her over to him to settle. The first couple of times she may kick off but he's her Dad fgs she loves him. She'll stay with him if you remove yourself from her sight. It'll be unpleasant in the first few days but worth it. Do this in the evenings to and spend time with elder DD.
Or if you prefer to stay with her in the evening get DH to do homework with DD and you settle her and spend time with DD once she's asleep. If she's that shattered she won't take that long to settle.
Or you can continue to do it all with both of them morning and evening, let H off the hook for the consequences of his sub standard care and get increasingly more frustrated.
Its your like <shrug>

noblegiraffe Wed 06-Nov-13 09:42:27

You were up packing lunches and making breakfast and stuff, why didn't you kick his lazy arse out of bed?
There was a long thread the other week about a DH who spent all morning making elaborate toast breakfasts instead of getting ready, he didn't get much MN sympathy either!

EvaBeaversProtege Wed 06-Nov-13 09:39:41

The child "wouldn't tolerate" her father getting up with her in the mornings hmm

FigRolls Wed 06-Nov-13 09:05:33

Unfortunately not - he was late last week but still not up until 8.10 yesterday. Bf has been the reason he hasn't got up with dd too. Elder dd wants me to do homework, reading book and stories after not seeing me all day and I want to see her too.

LayMeDown Wed 06-Nov-13 06:49:46

So he doesn't get up until 9.30, so what? He'll have to deal with the consequences of that. Bring DD in late for school, deal with teacher, write note, go back with a.lunch if he hasn't made one. The next week he will get up earlier.
He only stays in bed because he gets away with it. I always got up with DS2 for first year as I was bf, but once he was weaned H got up to him. Yes first couple of nights he protested but he got used to it. So insist H gets up to her if she's restless through his fault.
What about my idea of him taking older DD and doing homework while you settle baby early?

Xmasbaby11 Tue 05-Nov-13 23:30:58

Sorry Bunty - it's not a criticism, I'm just surprised as I wouldn't have been able to do that when DD was 1, as she was on the move and needed watching all the time. It's always been hard to get anything done and I wonder if I could have done anything different (she's 22mo now).

Xmasbaby11 Tue 05-Nov-13 23:28:07

V jealous you can get work done with a 1yo. Since DD has been on the move I've barely been able to make a cup of tea, apart from nap time which was only 1 hour.

Sorry ..completely irrelevant!

Bus? Taxi? Lift?

YANBU.

xmas I work from home and look after my 10 month old - what's your point?

Xmasbaby11 Tue 05-Nov-13 23:25:41

YANBU. He sounds thoughtless if he doesn't care about how dd struggles when she doesn't get enough nap time. Is there any way you can make it clearer to him?

FigRolls Tue 05-Nov-13 23:23:52

Yes, I do xmas.

Good thinking sparkle but there's nowhere in walking distance and they need the car for school.

It's a contradiction in terms, I know, but can you do your work from home somewhere else, even if it's just between 8am and 12pm? Have all your calls diverted to your mobile and sit at a friends place drinking coffee and working on your laptop? (if indeed, you do your work on a laptop)

Xmasbaby11 Tue 05-Nov-13 23:21:13

You work from home at the same time as looking after your 1 year old?

FigRolls Tue 05-Nov-13 23:20:13

Thepig - I don't have a 'military routine'. She has a two hour nap at some point, depending on what we're doing. I feed her when she's hungry. I don't think it's controlling to want him to feed her and have her nap particularly when it IS doing harm by affecting her sleep tonight and tomorrow and preventing her from doing her planned activities tomorrow.

BackforGood Tue 05-Nov-13 23:20:11

I thought it unlikely (from my own experience) but was quoting you
"Tomorrow I know she'll be catching up on sleep and probably nap for 3+ hours"

thepig Tue 05-Nov-13 23:14:53

yabu.

Firstly, stop picking up the pieces in the morning.

Secondly, don't try and control how he looks after dd. Most babies that age don't have a military routine. A routine yes, but they have to fit in with your life too. One day a week doing different things and eating different things will do no harm at all.

I suspect really this is about you thinking he's having an easy time of it compared to you when you look after her.

Just let him get on with it!

FigRolls Tue 05-Nov-13 23:10:37

Nice theory, backforgood, but actually she'll be restless tonight, have to be woken for school run, then overtired and clingy in the morning and so will probably only settle for a nap on my lap meaning lots of lap top balancing and actually less work done.

If I did that, laymedown, they'd all still be in bed at 9.30. He's never got up with dd and she wouldn't tolerate it now. I want to spend time with her after not seeing her all day but it's constant shrieking, whining and eye rubbing bless her. When he's been at work she runs up to say hello then continues playing. He sees it as a sign that she's securely attached to him, but not me confused

FigRolls Tue 05-Nov-13 23:03:04

Unfortunately that's not fair on the kids though. He knows full well what needs doing and when but he is off he's rarely out of bed before 8.10. I don't mind doing lunches, hair etc before school but do think he should do better with dd during the day rather than just muddle through. He also tends to let her do/eat things that I don't and then I have the fallout of that to deal with too.

LayMeDown Tue 05-Nov-13 23:01:24

But why are you doing all this? I don't understand. Get up, get yourself ready and lock yourself in your study/ work area. Leave him to his own devices and he will soon figure out a routine in the morning.
Naps and meals for the little one is frustrating. I would leave him to deal with the consequences of an over tired clingy baby by refusing to take over when he comes back, and insisting he get up to her if she is restless. Or if the baby must be with you, telling him to take older DD off to furtherest point in house from baby's room, and do hw with her while you settle baby as early as possible

BackforGood Tue 05-Nov-13 22:59:59

but surely if she' actually will sleep for 3 hours in the day today, then that gives you longer to get some work done ? I'm not sure how you can work from home normally if you have a 1 yr old at home with you?

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