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AIBU?

to be frustrated with the way dh cares for dd?

34 replies

FigRolls · 05/11/2013 22:31

I work from home and have my youngest who's one with me while my eldest is at school. Dh hasone weekday off where he has our one year old so I can make calls for work etc. On this day (today) he's supposed to be in charge of the school run, looking after dd then school pick up and taking to extra curricular activity.

I showered this morning, made packed lunches for both children, walked the dog and packed dds book and after school activity bag. Woke dd for school, brushed her teeth, did her hair, got her breakfast etc. I hear one year old stirring at 8.10. They need to leave at 8.25. It goes quiet and I go up to find dh shushing her back to sleep...! I explain the time and say dd needs to be up and dressed, he goes to brush his teeth etc so I get dd dressed and fed, he strolls down at 8.20 and puts the kettle on!? He then went to his mum's for the day, dd hardly ate a thing, she'd only had 20 mins nap and so was starving and worn out after dds activity. She's clung to me all night, has been really tired so too fussy to eat properly and so also hungry. Tomorrow I know she'll be catching up on sleep and probably nap for 3+ hours which means we can never do anything the day after he's looked after her. Aibu to think he should care for her properly rather than just 'make it through' the one day he has her?

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noblegiraffe · 05/11/2013 22:34

Does he actually know her routine?

LindyHemming · 05/11/2013 22:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

defineme · 05/11/2013 22:39

You're not being unreasonable.
What have you said to your partner?
Does he understand the impact the lack of nap has on the next day?

FigRolls · 05/11/2013 22:47

Yes he knows she usually sleeps for 2 hours and much earlier than she did today. He thinks she's whiny and clingy when they come back because she's missed me but she's just plain worn out and hungry. It frustrates me as his family and friends seem to think he's a hero for having her one day a week as he has 'such a demanding job.' He claims to anyone who'll listen that he works a 96 hour week because he's on call the four nights he works during the day. However, he's only everaactually called out about twice per month!

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DoubleLifeIsALifeOfSorts · 05/11/2013 22:50

Oh yes the super hero dad who 'baby sits' his own baby. That irritates the hell out of me!

FigRolls · 05/11/2013 22:50

Yes, defineme, he knows she then sleeps longer the following day. His thinking is that less daytime sleep = early night and bigger sleep then but realistically she can't go to bed any earlier because elder dd is up/has homework to do with me etc. Therefore it results in an overtired baby and a restless night for her (and me.)

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FigRolls · 05/11/2013 22:53

Seriously, his mum Cooked him lunch and ran him a bath so he could have a rest...! I haven't had a bath for years I do shower every day, for the record

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noblegiraffe · 05/11/2013 22:54

It sounds like because you always pick up the pieces (getting them dressed, fed etc when it's his day to do it) he has never actually learned how to look after them properly.

Have you tried giving him a set of timings and meals to stick to? Then at least you can ask him why he didn't do it properly when it goes wrong.

noblegiraffe · 05/11/2013 22:55

Maybe you should go away for a weekend. Then you can have a bath and he can suffer the effects of the crap nap.

BackforGood · 05/11/2013 22:59

but surely if she' actually will sleep for 3 hours in the day today, then that gives you longer to get some work done ? I'm not sure how you can work from home normally if you have a 1 yr old at home with you?

LayMeDown · 05/11/2013 23:01

But why are you doing all this? I don't understand. Get up, get yourself ready and lock yourself in your study/ work area. Leave him to his own devices and he will soon figure out a routine in the morning.
Naps and meals for the little one is frustrating. I would leave him to deal with the consequences of an over tired clingy baby by refusing to take over when he comes back, and insisting he get up to her if she is restless. Or if the baby must be with you, telling him to take older DD off to furtherest point in house from baby's room, and do hw with her while you settle baby as early as possible

FigRolls · 05/11/2013 23:03

Unfortunately that's not fair on the kids though. He knows full well what needs doing and when but he is off he's rarely out of bed before 8.10. I don't mind doing lunches, hair etc before school but do think he should do better with dd during the day rather than just muddle through. He also tends to let her do/eat things that I don't and then I have the fallout of that to deal with too.

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FigRolls · 05/11/2013 23:10

Nice theory, backforgood, but actually she'll be restless tonight, have to be woken for school run, then overtired and clingy in the morning and so will probably only settle for a nap on my lap meaning lots of lap top balancing and actually less work done.

If I did that, laymedown, they'd all still be in bed at 9.30. He's never got up with dd and she wouldn't tolerate it now. I want to spend time with her after not seeing her all day but it's constant shrieking, whining and eye rubbing bless her. When he's been at work she runs up to say hello then continues playing. He sees it as a sign that she's securely attached to him, but not me

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thepig · 05/11/2013 23:14

yabu.

Firstly, stop picking up the pieces in the morning.

Secondly, don't try and control how he looks after dd. Most babies that age don't have a military routine. A routine yes, but they have to fit in with your life too. One day a week doing different things and eating different things will do no harm at all.

I suspect really this is about you thinking he's having an easy time of it compared to you when you look after her.

Just let him get on with it!

BackforGood · 05/11/2013 23:20

I thought it unlikely (from my own experience) but was quoting you
"Tomorrow I know she'll be catching up on sleep and probably nap for 3+ hours"

FigRolls · 05/11/2013 23:20

Thepig - I don't have a 'military routine'. She has a two hour nap at some point, depending on what we're doing. I feed her when she's hungry. I don't think it's controlling to want him to feed her and have her nap particularly when it IS doing harm by affecting her sleep tonight and tomorrow and preventing her from doing her planned activities tomorrow.

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Xmasbaby11 · 05/11/2013 23:21

You work from home at the same time as looking after your 1 year old?

Sparkletshirt · 05/11/2013 23:21

It's a contradiction in terms, I know, but can you do your work from home somewhere else, even if it's just between 8am and 12pm? Have all your calls diverted to your mobile and sit at a friends place drinking coffee and working on your laptop? (if indeed, you do your work on a laptop)

FigRolls · 05/11/2013 23:23

Yes, I do xmas.

Good thinking sparkle but there's nowhere in walking distance and they need the car for school.

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Xmasbaby11 · 05/11/2013 23:25

YANBU. He sounds thoughtless if he doesn't care about how dd struggles when she doesn't get enough nap time. Is there any way you can make it clearer to him?

BuntyCollocks · 05/11/2013 23:25

YANBU.

xmas I work from home and look after my 10 month old - what's your point?

Sparkletshirt · 05/11/2013 23:27

Bus? Taxi? Lift?

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Xmasbaby11 · 05/11/2013 23:28

V jealous you can get work done with a 1yo. Since DD has been on the move I've barely been able to make a cup of tea, apart from nap time which was only 1 hour.

Sorry ..completely irrelevant!

Xmasbaby11 · 05/11/2013 23:30

Sorry Bunty - it's not a criticism, I'm just surprised as I wouldn't have been able to do that when DD was 1, as she was on the move and needed watching all the time. It's always been hard to get anything done and I wonder if I could have done anything different (she's 22mo now).

LayMeDown · 06/11/2013 06:49

So he doesn't get up until 9.30, so what? He'll have to deal with the consequences of that. Bring DD in late for school, deal with teacher, write note, go back with a.lunch if he hasn't made one. The next week he will get up earlier.
He only stays in bed because he gets away with it. I always got up with DS2 for first year as I was bf, but once he was weaned H got up to him. Yes first couple of nights he protested but he got used to it. So insist H gets up to her if she's restless through his fault.
What about my idea of him taking older DD and doing homework while you settle baby early?

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