to want to rip DSDs stupid mothers head off

(54 Posts)
fairy1303 Tue 05-Nov-13 19:29:09

DSD lives with us full time.

Her mother consistently let's her down. Makes empty promises, swears she will be at plays, concerts, parties etc. She has failed to turn up to all. The last one I remember her being at DSD was 5. She is nearly 9 now.

DSD has recently started a new school as we have moved house.
We have to put her details on as mother as she is still in contact but DH has made it very clear that I am firat point of contact in emergency as I am at home and main carer. We had incident few years back when school called her, she didn't pick her up, didn't tell anyone, DH and I both worked an hour away from home at the time so DSD wasn't picked up for ages.

We have just found out that mum has been getting info texts from school she didn't tell us because 'they were just pointless annoying messages'.

We have dealt with the school now but it really annoys me that she wouldn't mention to us that she was getting them so that we could make sure WE got them!

The latest thing is, the other day I overheard mummy promising she would be picking up DSD from school next year. She has not discussed this with DH and has promised this many times before and never delivered.

I am just sooo angry and fed up with the whole thing. DH won't confront her so I'm in limbo.

In reality I know I can't do anything but would it BU to have even a gently word with her about please PLEASE not promising things she can't deliver on??

Maryz Tue 05-Nov-13 19:31:54

You know you can't talk to her directly. You have to deal with the school -they are the ones at fault.

And you are probably going to get flamed - fair enough to be angry, but ripping people's heads off is never a good idea.

fairy1303 Tue 05-Nov-13 19:34:15

I wouldn't really rip her head off. We've never even really had much past heated words and that was after a really really nasty incident.

But I am angry, yes. I'm really angry that she is doing this, again.

KerwhizzedMyself Tue 05-Nov-13 19:36:32

It's not up to you to have words with her unfortunately. It's your DH who needs to be stepping up for his daughter and doing it. It's just be hard to stand by and watch him being so weak and letting his daughter down.

KerwhizzedMyself Tue 05-Nov-13 19:37:00

It must be* even!

WorraLiberty Tue 05-Nov-13 19:37:03

If she thought they were pointless, annoying messages...maybe she thought you were also receiving them? You know like group call?

KungFuBustle Tue 05-Nov-13 19:37:35

Is this the same DH that wouldn't deal with his MIL?

Maybe DH needs to step up and stop leaving you to sort his Mother and his ex.

I've seen your previous threads and know you're a bloody brilliant parent to you DsD, a bit of back up and recognition of how hard this is on you wouldn't go amiss.

IsThatTrue Tue 05-Nov-13 19:39:01

Poor DSD.

I have this problem with XH and SM promising the dcs things they go back on. Dd has just turned 9 and is just realising to take it with a pinch of salt.

My advise is to leave well alone. Remind DSD that sometimes people let us down which is sad but you and DH are always there for her. As she gets older she will see through the empty promises.

I would suggest you ahve a talk to the school. They should be ensuring that your DH gets exactly the same communications as DSD's mum.

Also a talk with them to ensure that if she does say to you that she'll collect DSD and then doesn't turn up, that you'll be contacted to ensure DSD doesn't get left for ages.

I know you are angry on DSD's behalf, but there's not a lot you can do. However, eventually DSD will work things out herself and realise her mum can't be relied upon And that's when you'll be needed, to help her realise it's not her fault, it's her mum who can't deliver.

Lamu Tue 05-Nov-13 19:40:07

"DH won't confront her so I'm in limbo."

I think that's a bigger issue imo. As much as you're DSD's main carer etc. you are not her bio. Mum. Any discussion should be happening between your DH and his ex wrt DSD.

PrincessWellington Tue 05-Nov-13 19:40:28

Op I could have written your post! My dh has confronted and it doesn't work. All she thinks about is herself and how what you said hurts her feelings. Don't waste your breath! Your DSD will soon see for herself her mother is full of shit.

mrsjay Tue 05-Nov-13 19:41:37

he needs to sort it out he needs to deal with her not you he sounds like he cba to get into a confrontation with her sadly it is the little girl who gets hurt, could you get him to get the school to take her off as contact does he not sort out some sort of legal contact for her, it all seems to informal its not fair on your stepdaughter and you for having to deal with it alone,

HissyFucker Tue 05-Nov-13 19:42:01

Your issue is with the school, you are thé first point of contact and you/your H are thé text recipients.

You need to work with your DSD and make sure that she knows that some people promise things, but they don't always mean it, and that it's not a reflection on her, only those that make the empty promises.

Your DSD will know in her heart what you are talking about, even if you don't think she does. She won't want to believe it, but if you can show her that this is her 'mother's' choice, and it means nothing about the lovely young girl she is, you will go a long way to giving her the tools she needs to not let this screw her up.

PrincessWellington Tue 05-Nov-13 19:42:37

And as far as 'bio' mum goes, that means jack IMO when they act as they are portrayed here and in my situation.

HissyFucker Tue 05-Nov-13 19:45:10

I'd take the poisonous woman OFF the contact list tbh, she's only caused trouble by being on it! She certainly has abused her place on it.

Stop allowing her the space to her this little girl.

GreenVelvet Tue 05-Nov-13 19:47:40

Why such completely vicious wording in a title? Vile.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 05-Nov-13 19:48:52

Unfortunately I can only see a gentle word with DSD's mother somehow backfiring. I think you have to bite your tongue. DH otoh could stand up for his DD but again depending on his ex's take on the world, her DD and your place in DD's life, it might just make a lousy situation worse.
Stick to dealing with the school.

Sorry OP, focus on DSD, you have a good heart.

AgentZigzag Tue 05-Nov-13 19:50:59

It's OK to have a good vent when you can't in RL.

The fact that you're so angry with her speaks volumes about how you feel about your DSD.

Fantasizing about what you'd say can be just as good as doing it for real, but without the fallout smile

mrsjay Tue 05-Nov-13 19:53:02

'd take the poisonous woman OFF the contact list tbh, she's only caused trouble by being on it! She certainly has abused her place on it.

so would I they seem a bother to her what a horrible woman

KerwhizzedMyself Tue 05-Nov-13 19:54:52

You can't just take someone with PR off a contact list, can you? Assuming she has it.

PrincessWellington Tue 05-Nov-13 19:57:11

The contact list is easy - op has dealt with it.
She just has the feckless oaf of a 'mother' to deal with for the minimum of the next 9 years. Good luck op

PrincessWellington Tue 05-Nov-13 19:59:09

My dsds mother isn't on the contact list, and hasn't been for years. School won't query it unless the 'mother' does. Can't see that happening, can you?

HissyFucker Tue 05-Nov-13 20:00:28

Of course you can! My ex isn't on the contact list!

This woman has nothing to do with her DD, she lets her down repeatedly, including just not bothering to collect her when asked to, and worse not telling anyone she wasn't going to get her.

This woman shouldn't be allowed to collect this girl from school without written authorisation from the DH or our OP.

PR doesn't mean you HAVE to step up as a parent. Being a parent means that, but it's irrelevant if that person's not bothered.

If I were you love, i'd look into adopting DSD. You're more of a mum to her than the one on her birth certificate.

KerwhizzedMyself Tue 05-Nov-13 20:03:12

APOLOGIES LADIES

I thought if you had PR you could demand details etc from school regardless of the other parent's opinion.

HissyFucker Tue 05-Nov-13 20:05:50

You can demand details.

But only if you can be bothered...

My ex wouldn't know that there is no trace of his details at DS school.

This woman doesn't want to be involved, so she won't demand a thing, she'll be glad of the silence.

She doesn't want to be DSD's parent, not if it puts her to any bother.

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