AIBU to think DD should be Star of the sodding Day?

(106 Posts)
PFBoftheDay Tue 05-Nov-13 18:16:52

I know I am, and I have n/c because I am probably being embarrassingly PFB.

DD is 6, and there are 21 children in her class. Her teacher does something called 'Star of the Day', which is,as far as I can gather, where the child who has been 'the goodest' all day, gets a star sticker and a prize (bouncy ball,sweets or bubbles) at hometime.

This has been an everyday occurrence from the start of the year, and DD was naturally desperate to be SotD and a bit disappointed when she wasn't. I, naturally, told her that she would have to keep trying, that the teacher would notice good behaviour, etc etc.

Just before school broke up for half term, and in the last few days she has started back, she has been getting really, really upset about it. There are a few children who have been SotD more than once, and on one occasion, a boy in the class who struggles with his behaviour got it, even though he hit another boy in the playground that day (though this is according to DD). I know the teacher was probably trying to encourage his good behaviour rather than discouraging him (and rightly so) and I explained this to DD.

However, today she came home in tears, because a girl who was horrible to DD and her friends at breaktime today (they told the teacher etc) got SotD. This girl can be very bossy and controlling and does put the other children's backs up at times. DD now basically thinks that the children who misbehave are getting rewarded.

I do think I see what the teacher is trying to do, and the reasoning behind it, but I feel this is really unfair on DD. She is a very well behaved child, we had Parent Teacher evening a few weeks ago and everything was positive. She works hard- she is very ahead in her reading & writing- and is as friendly and polite as you can expect of a 6 year old. The only thing she did struggle with was forgetting to put her hand up before answering a question, but she has tried really hard to remember, and at Parent Teacher, I asked about it specifically and her teacher said she had no problems.

I know I am being PFB, but she is quite a sensitive little thing, and I feel awful that she is trying so hard and getting so disheartened.

kerala Tue 05-Nov-13 18:44:12

My DD has excellent reading skills - is weirdly good at reading and is well behaved and eager to please. She got a star of the day sticker for..."good sitting". I was hmm

harticus Tue 05-Nov-13 18:47:04

My son's school does this weekly - it is primarily used as a carrot for the ... uhum ... less disciplined children.
It has zero value because more than half the class, the well behaved hard working half, never ever get it.
My son has always understood that this is twaddle and really isn't bothered if he gets it or not.
You either sign up to this stuff as a family or you don't.

OHforDUCKScake Tue 05-Nov-13 18:48:33

I dont think you are being PFB. But thats coming from someone also with a 6yo who is my PFB.

If anything really upsets mine, to the point where hes mentioned it a few times and hes upset by it I always mention it. Which so far has only been twice in just over 2 years at school.

Id have no problem mentioning SotD to the teacher, she will totally understand. Things like that are huge deals to younger ones, she probably just doesnt realise how much it means to your DD.

Dobbiesmum Tue 05-Nov-13 18:48:33

that's half the problem I think, sometimes the children who just get on with it get overlooked. It's hard to see them so upset about it, a quiet word won't hurt.

Chocotrekkie Tue 05-Nov-13 18:50:23

I've had this too - I went and asked the teacher if she could let me know what dd has to do to be star as she doesn't understand why she hadn't been chosen.

Next person chosen was her smile

Maryz Tue 05-Nov-13 18:51:16

ds2 came home one day and said to me "I know how to get the pupil of the week - I just have to be really bad for two weeks, and then quite good for a few days".

He did it, and lo and behold, certificate for him angry

One ridiculous year dd (who is exceptionally well-behaved all the fecking time) didn't get it once. Whereas both the ds's (not well behaved at all) had got it more than once. In fact, ds1 got it three times that year.

Rant at talk to the teacher.

PFBoftheDay Tue 05-Nov-13 18:51:21

Crohnicallytired - I was the same in secondary school- went to a primary school where good behaviour and working hard was noted- not rewarded, necessarily, but acknowledged and encouraged- then went to a massive secondary school where unless you were a)really terribly behaved or b)in a sports team, you were absolutely ignored. It was a massive shock to the system and I did think 'well they don't care, so why should I' for a while- luckily a few of the teachers made a point of noticing and encouraging the more academically minded students.

Anja1Cam Tue 05-Nov-13 18:52:58

It's annoying isn't it? Our school has a more flexible system of 5-star pupil, that can be earned over time. However when I saw how many stars certain other pupils of challenging habits had racked up in the time where my average-behaved DD had managed 5..., I asked the teacher to explain and she told me not to read too much into it, as it was definitely to encourage the pupils who needed it. Luckily my DD never got disheartened and didn't cotton on until much later.

I think you will gently need to inform the teacher that her system is causing distress though.

missmapp Tue 05-Nov-13 18:53:01

As a teacher, can I say that we do notice the constantly well behaved ones, but , as you know they can be given star of the week any week, you tend to give the more challenging children the award when they are good as you know it could well be a blink and you miss it moment, wheras the reliable ones can be left til the next week.

However, as a child who was never rewarded at school and the mother to two quiet and good boys who rarely get star of the week, I do know how hard it is and I give little prizes/take home certificates at odd moments throughout the week as well as the star.

I have never, never come across a time when it hasn't been a simple oversight on the part of the teacher, which is easily sorted by quietly asking what your DC needs to work on to get star of the day.

Don't stress and worry - just talk to the teacher.

PFBoftheDay Tue 05-Nov-13 18:54:15

& I'm quite glad I've not been tooo disgustingly PFB as obviously not alone in my criticism of the SotD system grin

I will give it to the end of this week, just on the off chance, then speak to the teacher next Monday I think

Meglet Tue 05-Nov-13 18:56:03

You could leave it for a while and do what I did blush....... By the start of Year 1 DS hadn't had a single class certificate, some had received 2 in reception year alone. Because I had a pile of every weekly school letter I created a spreadsheet of his entire class and counted up how many certificates they'd all had, and he was the only one without. I spoke to his teacher after that, she was lovely (and didn't laugh too much when I told her I had a spreadsheet) and he got one the following week.

Lilacroses Tue 05-Nov-13 18:56:06

These things are very divisive and upsetting for the quieter, always well behaved children I completely sympathise with your Dd. My Dd is very like that too...one that always behaves and her teachers have told me several times they sit her next to children "that don't know how to behave so she rubs off on them" which is often really unpleasant for my Dd. I do understand, I'm a teacher myself but I don't agree with it. There MUST be a way to acknowledge the efforts of all children at some point. I manage to do it in my class. Do mention it to the teacher, tell her/him some of the things you have told us. I think they should be very concerned at the fact that your Dd is feeling very disillusioned.

VodkaJelly Tue 05-Nov-13 18:57:20

My DS never got a star of the week in Year 6. Not once. He was really upset about it as he was a well behaved boy who worked hard and was very bright.

He never found out why he was overlooked but didnt tell me about it incase I went into the school "and made a scene" hmm

Mim78 Tue 05-Nov-13 19:00:26

I would have a word. These things usually don't work out IMO because teachers seem to lose track!

tracypenisbeaker Tue 05-Nov-13 19:03:24

I don't think you are being unreasonable. It's really shitty to be overlooked when you feel like you have put in extra effort. I remember playing netball at primary school, and I was really good at it and was one of the best despite joining a whole year after the other girls (NOT an exaggeration, literally all the other girls went except me)- I scored loads of goals, was brilliant at goal defense etc. I was a good team player.

Of course, the worst slowest girl who needed patting on the head and patronising every five seconds ended up winning Player of the Year AND Most Improved (her mum was a coach, but meh). She was a fucking spoilt, pampered shit who was always indulged because she whined. Lovely girl now, but back then she was ME ME ME ME.

My point is, in life you will sometimes be overlooked. It is not a reflection of you as a person and your abilities, but rather a desperation to mollycoddle those who need a bit of a kick up the arse. It is my view that we should be encouraging high achievers to flourish, as they are the people who others will look to and aspire to be like them. Who knows? Maybe even PUSH themselves and rise to the challenge. This has got nothing to do with branding children as 'badly behaved,' or leaving out children because they have behavioural problems, surely there is a middle ground though as opposed to treating them like they are the best thing since sliced bread just because they haven't hit someone that week/ sworn/ had a tantrum. Grown up life won't be so kind and easy going on these people.

I suppose that is the best lesson your DD can learn from this. If you go in and speak to the teacher, yes, she will probably award your daughter the star thing. But RL doesn't work like that, where you can get your mum to go in and make everything alright. Just let her know that as long as she is secure in herself and proud of her achievements, then that is what is really important.

AntiJamDidi Tue 05-Nov-13 19:07:22

Dd1 was a quiet and well behaved girl but by Christmas of year 1 she had sussed the star chart system. She didn't just moan quietly to me though, she shouted and stamped her feet at her teacher while explaining very articulately why the system wasn't fair blush That was the one and only time I was called in to discuss her behavior but lo and behold she was given stars for the next couple of days and earned her prize.

PFBoftheDay Tue 05-Nov-13 19:08:28

Lila my DD is also seated beside challenging children- one boy in particular she was always next to, and he really tortured her and it was really ruining her day tbh- she was coming home crying that he'd once again scribbled over her work etc. After yet another term in which she was once again put next to this boy, even though all the other tables had been changed round I went in to the teacher, and was told that DD was put there because 'she was the only child in the class who could handle being beside him!" (DD was quite grown up about ignoring bad behaviour from other children and/or telling teacher, for her age at the time)

Carriemac Tue 05-Nov-13 19:09:34

My ds was like this in primary school . Quiet and well behaved . Got no attention for it. Same in secondary, good at sport , bright but not a star. On GCSE results day he got 9A*s . One of the best in his school. Oh my god we were chuffed. And a little surprises end as he was always below the radar. He is now treated differently in 6th form, it's weird. As if the teachers hadn't really noticed him before and now they do.

curlew Tue 05-Nov-13 19:09:35

My dp's a football coach. I think he finds making sure he dishes out "player of the match" fairly but making sure everyone gets it the most difficult bit of the job!

he has a spreadsheet. On his phone.

labtest Tue 05-Nov-13 19:24:52

You are not being unreasonable. My daughter is 6 and in year 2. In nursery she was diagnosed with leukaemia and only finished treatment last month. Throughout treatment she has remained on the top table, exceeded nc targets, maintained an almost 79% attendance and taken part in pe lessons and after school clubs. Her teacher told me she is well behaved and kind to the other children in her class. However, she has never been awarded the worker of the week award!

Last year she was tormented by a particular girl in her class who mocked her for the way she ran (steroids and chemo have affected her muscles and nerve endings) and encouraged others to do so. This girl has been awarded the worker of the week certificate a disproportionate amount of times. There are 19 in the class and my daughter didnt get it once all year, not even the week she came top in spellings on the Friday then needed two blood transfusions on the Saturday morning.

In the end I complained and was told because Beth didnt draw attention to herself she was being overlooked. After my complaint she was inundated with certificates and even got one for good singing (which was really pushing it) but ironically still no worker of the week!

Forgive my rant and overuse of exclamation marks but I'm still bitter now.

Clutterbugsmum Tue 05-Nov-13 19:27:48

You are not being PFB.

We had this when dd1 was in year R and year 1. The children who were the were the worst behaved were the one's getting the stickers for doing what was expected to do anyway.

So those children who were well behaved or did as they were told are missed.

We now changed it around so the well behaved children got the reward and through peer pressure get those other children to behave.

Clawdy Tue 05-Nov-13 19:40:41

At most of the schools I worked in, every child received the award or star at some time so no child felt left out. But I did work in one school years ago where the "stars of the week" went to the front at each Friday assembly to receive a certificate. One week,a little girl sitting next to me whispered "It's always the naughty ones,isn't it,Miss?" She was right,too.

ILoveAFullFridge Tue 05-Nov-13 19:56:21

In our school each of the infants classes has a ladder chart with different colour rungs. They all have their names on a clothes peg, and every morning all the clothes pegs start on the same rung somewhere just above the middle. Good behaviour moves your peg up a rung, bad behaviour moves your peg down a rung. But you can always climb back up.

At the end of the day every child whose peg is above a certain colour (one below the start of the day) gets a tiny sticker. At the end of the week every child who has had a sticker every day gets a special sticker.

This system rewards both the visibly-making-an-effort-good and the invisibly-good. It is transparent and understood by all the children. Some of them are gutted to miss out on a sticker and really make an effort as a result.

YANB(PFB)U

labtest* that's awful. I wish her all the best with her recovery.

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