AIBU and a bit sensitive ... school mums

(62 Posts)
kikibrooke2593 Sat 02-Nov-13 17:28:28

I am 21 years old and have 2 children, 7 and 2 yrs old.
my ds goes to the local catholic school. he has 3 best friends at school and they love doing things with each other at the weekends. the 3 other boys go out with the boys mums in alternative weeks and even a sleep over.
but i cant help feel he gets left out, a few weeks ago the boys come running over excited asking if they could sleep over lets say bobs house, and the mum said no sleep over this weekend, fair enough. but then on the Monday my lil boy found out they did have a sleep over.

my sons bday was recently and he wanted to invite them all out for the day with us and then for dinner at ours .. all 3 declined.

am I reading in to it too much to probably think there is an issue with me. the other mums r from a diff lifestyle too .. I don't know if this has anything to do with it.

oscarwilde Mon 04-Nov-13 10:55:01

I would take NynaevesSister's advice. Be direct and call them on their behaviour.

I am in my late 30's - to be honest, I doubt we would have much in common apart from our kids. I was leaving school when you were born! That said, I wouldn't snub you at the gate but to be honest I don't think I'd be going out of my way to become friends on the possibly mistaken assumption that at 21 you'd have the energy to do more in the evening than watch TV

If our kids were friends I certainly wouldn't be snubbing your child or his birthday. That is rude and petty and since all 3 declined, I suspect that they were all aware that they were declining. That's really sad for your son. Try to widen his social circle if you can.

bababababoom Mon 04-Nov-13 10:13:12

I'm mid thirties, and my friends with children range in age from ten years younger to ten years older. I'd be surprised if it was that tbh - and whilst it wouldn't enter my head to stop DS going to a play date because his friend lived on a council estate, I wouldn't want him playing out without me present (not just on a council estate, anywhere) - unless it was an enclosed, private garden.

Could you invite one at a time round with their parent so that they get to know you and see the level of supervision etc? Just say, "wondered if you'd like to come round for a coffee one day after school with DS, I'd like to get to know his friends' mums a bit better" - they'd have to be a complete dick to turn that down.

If you can afford it, can you invite them to soft play or something similar? Might give you a chance to get to know the other moms? If they declined such an invite, I'd work on encouraging other friendships.

For a few years, I also didn't really get to know many school moms. I felt I was older than most other moms, and that was the reason. In the end, I think I was shy and just needed to get to know them slowly. I am on very good terms with my DDs friend's moms now.

Hang in there, it does get easier as they get older, and more involved in organising their own playdates.

bubalou Sat 02-Nov-13 22:58:22

Hi Kiki.

Sorry u are having to put up with this.

I am 27 but luckily or unluckily enough I get told all the time I look about 18. Ds is now year one and had been at his school over a year.

I knew 1 of the mums already but literally put up with funny looks (100% not being paranoid) and no talk for the 1st 6 months at the school gates.

Parents have since got to know me and been much warmer and I have had their kids round and they all came to ds's 5th birthday on August. They have been much warmer since then.

I really do believe that it was my age that was the issue. Try and give them the chance to get to know you but make sure you know that if it doesn't work, there's nothing wrong with you - it's their prejudice.

CrapBag Sat 02-Nov-13 22:47:42

Its possibly a combination of your age and perhaps they are snobs about the area you live.

I was friendly with a group of women who I found to be quite snobbish. At first I thought I was on their wavelength but after I while I realised I didn't fit in with them at all, they all get on fabulously however because they are all total snobs together. Could be a similar thing here?

It really is a shame for your DS though. Is there no one else you could encourage him to be friends with?

I was once slightly wary of inviting DS's best friend over because English isn't his first language and according to DS he didn't speak English and I was worried about him not understanding me, or me not understanding him if was upset or something. But I thought that he must speak some so I just got over it and invited him because he is my child's best friend. Luckily he does speak enough so it was fine but it should be about your children. They don't sound like they are the type to think like that though, sadly.

kennyp Sat 02-Nov-13 21:32:05

some people are as shallow as a bloody bird bath. i am friends with people who are nice. i made a new besty best friend in a 95 year old woman the other day in the charity shop. obviously we never swapped numbers or names and i'll never see her again but she was a hoot and was getting herself a new winter wardrobe.

.... theres no point to this post .... except maybe they ARE being judgy and rude regarding your age. people like that are probably not the sort of people you'd want your son to be staying with?? it's so tough on your son though. my son has been let down loads with "friends" at school. all i can do is give him a mini roll (or similar!) and a hug. it's really tough.

maddening Sat 02-Nov-13 21:26:22

I am 35 and would not judge you for your age - nor for your social standing - what a vacuous way to find friends - and a high chance of missing some good eggs along the way.

My current friend group ranges from 25 - 50 smile

imnotwhoyouthinkiam Sat 02-Nov-13 21:19:43

Sounds to me like you arr being snubbed sad

There are mums at my dcs school who have, imo,.snubbed me. Not due to age, as one of them is younger than me, but they are all married homeowners, and I'm a single mum who rents.
To begin with it hurt, then I came to the conclusion that I don't want to be friends with such shallow people anyway! Luckily my dc and there's have drifted apart, whether this is because we didn't socialise outside of school or just coincidence I don't know. smile

mumofweeboys Sat 02-Nov-13 21:02:22

Hi

I would say your being snubbed for whatever reason they have. I would get your son to cultivate friendships outside of school through different hobbies like scouts, martial arts classes, sports ect. Those parents won't change so just ignore them. I would be so upset too and annoyed.

manicinsomniac Sat 02-Nov-13 19:44:51

If it is age then I don't think they are people you are losing anything by not being friends with. It's very unkind of them not to include your son though, if they are a group of 4 friends. Two of my closest friends are 18 and 55 and I'm almost 30. Age should be irrelevant to friendship.

I had my eldest at 19. It's true that most of my school and university friends either have toddlers or no kids at all but I have never found other school mums and dads a problem as casual friends despite the 10-30 year age gap (probably helps that I teach their kids too so they won't want to piss me off (joke!) wink).

If the other boys are from a very middle class area then I think that's the more likely reason. But even if the other mums have decided, for whatever reason, that your estate isn't a suitable place for their sons to play then it shouldn't stop them including him in sleepovers etc. They don't sound like very nice people at all.

BridgetJonesStoleMyPants Sat 02-Nov-13 19:20:48

Hiya OP.

I am 22, I have a two year old.

I have so far, been lucky? that I have not received any negativity as yet that I feel is linked to my age.

a few days ago I met another mum at a group (not a child related group)..she was with her mum. I'm a happy talk to anyone type and begun chatting away. Her mum asked me my age (which I was a bit surprised at tbh, but they were a bit more loud and curt than I am- I'm over sensitive and worry about offending! ) She asked if I'd ever had any negative response to being a mother at my age. She then told me her daughter was constantly being snubbed for being a mother of three at 24. We spoke a bit more and we chatted about were we lived etc.

Now, I am young, but I have worked hard and together with my stbdh we are lucky enough to live in a large house in a nice area, have good jobs etc. Most of my friends pre-dc were older and most friends made after are too. They live a simalar lifestyle, although they are probably still better off than us! Anyway a few months back I invited a friend from school, who has a son a few months older than my own to a social event with two other friends. School friend has an unstable relationship with dc dad, is housed via council etc.

I was really upset with how my friends treated her. And since have distanced myself- I certainly don't want to be friends with people who judge others like that.

Anyway. My point is that I have realised some mums just don't like to mix with those from different circumstances or age groups- how sad. School friend is a lovely person and I value her friendship very much so.

I would consider giving these mums a wide berth, a disappointment for your dc perhaps- but they can continue playing at nursery. If these women really are declining invites because of your age, would you really consider them the sort of people you'd want to form friendships with?

forget them, OP.

Thatisall Sat 02-Nov-13 19:15:29

LEM that's good advice

LEMisafucker Sat 02-Nov-13 19:07:07

kiki - for me, it would be your age but please don't think that it would be because i would judge you, i most definately wouldn't - Don't get me wrong, i judge like fuck but i judge on actions not ages. The only thing for me would be, would i have a friendship with someone half my age? So maybe we wouldn't get to the playdate stage. It would be just that - however, i wouldn't exclude you if your ds was friends with my DD. I just tend to socialise with mums my own age, which i guess you tend to socialise with folk your own age.

Because of this, you have to make the effort a bit more but you come across as really mature and a lovely mum, so once they see this maybe they will come round. Another tip - if you can bear it, join the PFA. In my experience it tends to be the less middleclassy type women woh do the pfa (im the secretary at our school - so that says it all wink ).

Also, you only have to look on the boards here and you'll find loads of threads by people who struggle with school mums - its not just you. I just think that the age gap is the issue but not because people are judging.

kikibrooke2593 Sat 02-Nov-13 19:02:43

the thing is they do know me lol r boys have been friends since nursery.

kikibrooke2593 Sat 02-Nov-13 18:59:03

yes I had my ds at 14, and had 2 by the age of 20 but that's beside th epoint because they r loved and looked after .. but I do wonder if this is the problem. maybe they don't think im older enough to look after 4 7 yr olds ?

bamboostalks Sat 02-Nov-13 18:47:42

How do they know you're 21?

Unplastered Sat 02-Nov-13 18:42:26

What a very rude comment AveryJessup.
I'm in my 30s and there were several girls in my (naice, rural, Outstanding rated, affluent) secondary school who had babies aged 14-16. It happens all the time, everywhere, and is nothing to be ashamed of.

NynaevesSister Sat 02-Nov-13 18:37:44

I would take one of the mums involved, say to her our son's are best friends and my son would love to have him over to play. However I do appreciate that you don't know me, that I am a young mother and live on a council estate. It oils be perfectly understandable for you to wonder about the type of household and parenting that might be involved. So I would like it if you could let me know a day you are available for an hour to come to our house after school?

It would be VERY difficult to decline that to your face without looking like a knob, and they can't say they are busy every single day of term.

Do not tell your son about it. If they are knobs they may cancel at the last minute and let him down. If they don't then it will be a fab surprise.

lisad123everybodydancenow Sat 02-Nov-13 18:34:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SeaSickSal Sat 02-Nov-13 18:33:40

I can sort of understand why she mentions this as it may be that these women are being a bit judgey based on their own interpretation of their religion.

But actually the Catholic Church are often quite supportive of young mothers in such situations as once the deed is done they see the decision to have the child as preferable to an abortion.

I would love it if a 21 year old Mum wanted to be friends with me (35). Would make me feel vicariously young!

BuntyPenfold Sat 02-Nov-13 18:32:28

I assumed the op mentioned her age because she thought it might be partly the issue with the other mums, combined possibly with a less expensive address. Tbh it could easily be both.

I agree with whoever suggested inviting one child at a time and trying to get to know their parents one at a time as well. Also, out of school activities such as cubs, good for socialising.

foreverondiet Sat 02-Nov-13 18:32:16

My Ds is 7, and at a "middle class faith school" (ie faith school in middle class suburb). In terms of what you said - I would be very happy to invite any of his friends round to play, but although would be happy about him going to play at someone's house I didn't know, wouldn't want him play outside unless an adult was watching (ie wouldn't want him playing out with other kids) and would be slightly concerned about going to someone's house I don't know as I wouldn't know what level of supervision there would be. I think mean to exclude your son, not sure what to do about it. Could you go to church and see some of the mums there?

Abbierhodes Sat 02-Nov-13 18:28:45

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

TidyDancer Sat 02-Nov-13 18:28:01

Avery! shock

Why on earth would that be a wind up?!

Abbierhodes Sat 02-Nov-13 18:27:16

So Catholic digs are fine but you can't mention the age? Which is obviously very unusual and might hold the root of the issue?

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